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I was an OM once - do you have any questions?

29K views 269 replies 55 participants last post by  alte Dame 
#1 ·
I was an OM who married his lover (I was single). We had two kids together. After 8 years of being together, she cheated and left me for someone else. I became the BS.

I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the OM mindset as I experienced it.
 
#3 ·
You presume people want to ask you questions...

You will get a lot of "Karma bus" and "You got what you deserved" posts I predict.


?
Ha, that was my first response when I read the post but didnt want to say when you get with a cheater, dont be shocked when they cheat on you.

I really dont understand the point of this thread.

What questions are you expecting?

How did it feel betraying your kids? how did it feel taking another mans wife and destroying his family?
 
#4 ·
I created this thread because I've seen a lot of people trying to understand the mindset of the OM. I've seen great insights and misunderstandings, but I can only refer to my personal experience.

This is a support forum, and if I can any way help people in any way I won't to be able to do that. I've been on WS forums who are actively engaged in an A so I can see through their bull. But only via hindsight and as a BS myself.

No, I didn't destroy anyone's family. She did not have kids at the time. I know myself and that's not something I would have ever gotten involved in. Especially not at the stage I was in my life.
 
#6 ·
1 - Did you ever think of what would happen to you, in terms of 'retribution' if and when the husband found out about you and his wife?

2 - As an OM, did you ever get any signs or 'heads-up' on when your wife was having an affair?

('if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you')
 
#23 ·
1. He was with her when we met. It was a brief getting to know one another. After she left him, there was a very brief encounter when he came to get something from her/their previous place. I was the one who gave it to him. No one words were exchanged. If anything, I felt very ****sure of myself. Obviously, he was the better man. I probably would have beat me up out of anger. He definitely deserved better than what happened to him. There was nothing wrong with him. They got together young, married years later (I don't think she really wanted to, thus she lacked courage to end it), and he had his heart torn apart. I think she lost romantic interest in him and felt she had grown into someone else. Or some self-serving excuse like that.

2. No, I did not. Looking back, all the signs were there, though. My affair with her did not require as much secrecy as hers did. We were not in the same city or anything like that. Obviously, I knew something was wrong but thought we were going through a 'rough spot'. Once you have kids and think you are in a loving marriage, the tendency is to feel secure, right? Even despite our origins.
 
#77 ·


I have found that many former OM/OW in this forum are some of the best contributors and have helped many members here. Let's not project anger onto the OP here. He is not the OM in your situation. He's offering to help understand the mindset of one in the fog of the affair. Isn't that something that we, as BSs, ask our WS? Why they did it and what were they thinking when they were having the affair?

Many here experienced recent DDay's and are hurting. This thread is probably best avoided if it triggers you.
 
#8 ·
Did you have any compassion at all for the betrayed spouse?

Has your recent experience given you an insight into what he felt?

Did you have only lies by your ex wife to go on regarding her ex?

Is she now telling lies, rewriting the marital history with you?


Most importantly would you do the same again?
 
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#195 ·
Did you have any compassion at all for the betrayed spouse? Not as much as I should have. I was enjoying myself too much.

Has your recent experience given you an insight into what he felt? Absolutely. No one deserves to go through that kind of pain.

Did you have only lies by your ex wife to go on regarding her ex?
I only had what she told me. She did not say that he was a bad guy, actually the opposite. That he put her on a pedestal.

Is she now telling lies, rewriting the marital history with you?
Yes and yes. Probably one of the hardest things to deal with.

Most importantly would you do the same again? What a difficult question. Part of me says "No" because I would have avoided inflicting all the pain that I did, and I would be leading a more virtuous life. Part of me says "Yes" because if I hadn't my children would not exist. I probably would have had children with someone else, but the reality is I have my children. I also had a great love for my wife, even if some of it was delusional in nature.
Sorry, I never answered this. Please see bold above.
 
#10 ·
Did you ever look at the WAW like a cheater and a lier, someone perhaps you should not trust. Because if she's lying to her husband and cheating on him, she may be doing the same thing to you?
 
#16 ·
Honestly, no.

Call it ignorance or naiveté. But I had never been cheated on before nor had I cheated on anyone before. And my longest relationship had been 1.5 years. I preferred my time single but I also enjoyed the company of women. This was my 20's. I was attractive and charming enough to meet women, and I considered myself a good person overall. Honest, loyal, optimistic, and placed a high value on truth. So in part, I bought into the WS's rewriting and devaluation of her marriage (though she did not have a laundry list of flaws or anything like that).

At the beginning, it was romantic, it was erotic, it was ego-fulfilling, but it did turn into love. Keep in mind that not all OM are the ones hitting on the married women. She pursued me, but I welcomed it. Should that have been a red flag? Yes, of course. But there are some women who are so charming and alluring, that many men will fall prey. I had good self-esteem, I was very cautious and reserved about being involved as a third party. But I did it. Because I wanted to, and I was able to preserve my self-image at the same time. That's the simple truth.
 
#13 ·
Well, just because she didn't have kids with her first husband doesn't mean a family wasn't destroyed. Both could have had important, meaningful relationships with their respective inlaws, nephews, nieces etc. In any event a marriage was destroyed.

I have a really good friend, while he was engaged and then married to his first wife, he was seeing another woman. Finally after only two months of marriage, he left the wife for the girlfriend. Married to wife number two for a few years, then got another girl on the side. When wife found out, she went scorched earth all over Facebook etc. all her friends came to her defense, and my friend was portrayed as the scumbag. But my argument to wife was what the heck did you expect? She had no problem breaking up his first relationship, but then loved playing the victim when the shoe was on the other foot.
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#107 ·
It's extremely amazing how the OM/OW play the victim when it happens to them. I'm not implying you StayStrong. I'm talking in general terms. When OW came to my house in October to discuss "questions" she needed answers too, about a relationship I had with my ex husband. Was so shocking. He faked a reconciliation with me, while being in a relationship with her. All along lying to both of us about each other. She totally forgot that she slept with my husband while he was married and while she was married. And couldn't see her part in destroying my marriage, let alone her own. And felt I needed to apologize to her for what pain she had gone through. Instead of her apologizing to me and my daughter for what her part and/or actions caused. All they have is their delusions. And so it must come as an extreme shock when reality sets in and their forced to see what their "soulmate" did to them. Remember affairs aren't based on reality and true emotions. They're based on lies, deception and mutually shared delusions. So yeah! What do they expect when it happens to them.
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#22 ·
Just asking, but as the woman pursued you, and you found out she had kids, would you have broken it off or continued on? I know it was years ago so who knows but figured I'd ask.
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#25 ·
I would have thought she was weak and a terrible mother, though I probably would have been sympathetic to her plight. In the 'we're all human' way of looking at things.

I would have told her to go work things out with her husband. And I would have been angry that she used me. A cheating mother does not constitute my definition of a good mother.
 
#24 ·
Let's not get into a discussion of the definition of family. Let's hear what the man has to say. I had a few of these encounters myself, not prolonged affairs, mind you, where I had any consideration of how this might affect anyone. Here is my question: The woman you had an affair with, which you considered to be an exit affair, what did you think of her? What do you think she thought of you?
 
#29 ·
I though she was captivating, self-assured, sexually open, interesting, stylish, humorous, vulnerable in an endearing way, sensitive, intuitive, gregarious, fun, feminine, loving, talented and many other things. To be honest, I never thought she was as principled as I was. I know that sounds ironic, but betraying someone is much different than being part of the betrayal.

I think she saw me as independent, virile, exciting, adventurous, intelligent, self-directed, passionate, intense, kind, noble, empathic and full of vision and life.

The kinds of things that stir a man and woman to be attracted to one another in any other given scenario.
 
#26 · (Edited)
Staystrong: I heartily commend you for what you are offering to do. To that end, here was my situation:

My rich, skanky XW, 56, got hooked on FB in 2009/2010 in our 4th/5th year of marriage, with only my fleetingly, limited, but trusting knowledge.

She made connections with two different men of her past: (A) in 2010, a divorced 55 y.o. "lardass" guy who had years hence been a co-worker and best friend of my XW's deceased first husband in the engineering business, and who was located some 3 hours from our hometown. He had retired from engineering and had become a free-lance C&W musician, and (B) her old boyfriend from high school who had gone on to become a medical practitioner in another city some 3 hours in another direction. This guy was married with 5 kids, all but one grown. She had lost all contact with both for many, many years!

Cell phone/texting revealed that she made several out of town overnight trips to see them both. Later text message records confirmed their affairs which started as EA's, escalating into PA's.

In time, both seemingly got their carnal desires met by her for a period of about a year before our separation, all transpiring without a scintilla of knowledge on my part. In the early months of 2011, she then dictated a "trial separation" which fastly escalated into a divorce filing, all while she continued to see both men simultaneously well into the divorce process.

The doctor ended up dropping her like a hot rock in the fall of 2011 after having a lengthy EA/PA with her. But the musician actually continued seeing her, but in 2013 moved away to the Pacific Northwest.

In your limited opinion, what do you think happened to effect these illicit relationships with my XW, and what do you think that these guys true mindsets were at the time that she hooked up with her? IMHO, I cannot help but believe that she was the one who initiated the contact, and they just naturally reacted to it.

And do you think that either of them really cared that she was married, knowing that she in all likelihood was coming back home to me as her husband and no doubt occasionally performing her wifely sexual duties? Does knowing that she's intimate with her husband a detractor to the OM in any way? Or is she just "a loose piece of meat" to get off to without the benefit of any real emotional attachment?

Additionally, when and if the affair is "outed," do you think that disclosure to either the OM's family/wife and the WS's family serves any viable purpose?

Many thanks for your thoughtful analysis!
 
#27 ·
Interesting idea for a thread SS. I hope you get what you want out of this.

Perhaps another good idea for a thread could be titled, "If I were you W/H's OM/OW, what would you want to ask me?"

You weren't married with children. Your partner had no children. That takes 90% of my questions off the table.
 
#28 ·
FFS people, there are TONS of former waywards, affair partners, OM, OW, cheaters, however you choose to refer to them, on the site.

Some are great contributors, but they don't openly post about their infidelity. As is obvious why.

You have a question, challenging or otherwise for the OP, then ask.

If you're looking for something else I suggest you don't post.
 
#31 ·
At what point do you think you could have been turned away from this married woman?
What kinds of things would have turned you away from her?
 
#39 ·
Knowing her husband as a person. The moral aspect of hurting another person.

Getting to know her flaws, issues, or secretive manner better. Maybe. She has so many redeeming qualities, though, that they are easy to overlook when falling in love. There were no major 'red flags' in terms of our connection. There was enough overlap and mutual attraction to override those things. Were we a perfect match? No. Would we have gotten together if we were both single? Yes, I think so.

Obviously, the ability to deceive someone who loves you at the level that she did is the major red flag. I can only see that in hindsight as a BS. I didn't understand the depth of the lies, deception and disrespect. Again, my ignorance or my willingness to put blinders on for sex, love, excitement and the promise of a future together.
 
#40 ·
Why? They say the way you enter a relationship is the way you will leave it was you expecting that? What does it take for the woman you where with for you to believe anything she said knowing that she couldn't hold true to the vows she made to him. You thought she would keep true to them with you? Was there a part of you that felt bad about the fact of tearing a family part?
 
#43 ·
I said previously that I don't consider a couple to be a family.

It's part of the power of romantic love and the self-deception. The fog is strong.

In terms of believing her, as I said earlier, I had no experience in infidelity either way. This was all new to me. And it 'felt right' even if I knew it was not conventionally right. I'm just being honest here.

There are examples of people who left for someone else and remain married decades later. Her father is an example, so I guess that served as her/my model even if I did not know him at the time. Truth be told, her father's decision F'ed my ex in many many ways that I think she doesn't even understand.
 
#53 ·
I believe, if you truly want to help a BS, who never wants to experience that again, it's important to know what he can do to turn his wife away from the AP. That is why I ask these questions.

It is deeply reflective to consider what might have stopped you. I know it's not easy, but it's important. Husbands realise, too late, that they are in trouble. They don't usually, "get it", until it's gone too far and they are harmed immeasurably. It's much easier to deal with marital issues before a PA than after.

So, basically, you would have had to have some respectful feelings for this woman to keep you from going physical? You looked at her as a prize that took hard work to attain and once you had sex with her, the brain chemicals took it from there?

I'm getting the impression there is nothing short of the woman telling you, "no", or maybe not giving signals, that would have stopped you.

I don't think it's very likely a husband would have the ability to calm himself enough to respect an AP enough to make friends. I guess it's possible. At some point, though, that would cause the husband to lose all respect for his wife. He would get to know that you were always available and just waiting for the green light from his wife.

What could the husband have done to show you she is a respectable woman and not an object to win and possess for your pleasure?

Send you pictures of them going out and having fun? Could he have sent you copies of love letters and cards that they shared? Could he have written a heartfelt letter? I think that makes him look weak, but I think, in many cases, a husband who loves his wife would do almost anything to turn her away from the AP.

I ask these tough questions, not to bring you down, but for you to honestly help a husband who loves his wife, try to keep the EA from going to PA. I think, once the fog takes over, there is not turning back. You have even stated that you were deep in the fog and married the woman.
 
#56 ·
This is a great post.

It's hard to be hypothetical about it, I'm afraid. TBH, if I had been confronted by the husband early on (e.g. he had found our email exchanges) and he had expressed to me he loved his wife and I was interfering with their marriage, I would have broken it off. Keep in mind that ours was an immediate connection, not a slow isolation-escalation-instigation build up. Even if I knew how she felt about him (the lack of love), I would have felt honor bound to end it.

I showed my X's OM pictures of our children. I told him to go back to his wife and leave our family alone. But, if you've read enough threads, this doesn't work because while the AP may feel some guilt, ultimately they are interested in maintaining the A. My WS had told him so many things about us, he was probably inclined to believe he was rescuing her. Much like I had believed about our A. However, extremely different circumstances.

Don't compete with AP, don't validate them as a person. Not if you want to maintain a good sense of reality and consider R. Try not to denigrate them either if you want to R, at least not to the extent it pushes your WS away. Yes, expose them. Shame them, humiliate them, ruin them if you want. They deserve it. I deserved to be shamed as the former OM. That's the only way someone learns, or otherwise they will continue their self-gratification. Yes, they are people, they're not always evil, but they are interfering with your marriage. The real issue is between the husband and wife, though the A needs to be destroyed as well as possible. There's a window of opportunity in which to do that and strategies to use. The best strategy is to focus on yourself, but this is easy to say and often hard to do when you're on the roller coaster.
 
#55 ·
Well you missed my other questions.

What about these three?

What would you say to the OM if you could sit across the table from him?

What would you say to the BS if you were sat across the table from him?


Did you ever hear what became of the BS? I know you have been through a lot from reading your threads but it would be karma like and rather ironic if he moved on and has had a good life and started a family with a good faithful woman.
 
#57 ·
Take my threads with a grain of salt. I lurked on TAM when the A was confessed and I regret not starting my own thread. It would have been helpful. Lurkers, start your own thread now!

I was suffering from PTSD (it's real, don't get me started) as a result of the affair and separation, so you will see some very emotionally charged posts.

What would I say to the OM? I would have said different things at different times. I have said things to him. Right now, I would say nothing to him. Too much time has passed. I do think their relationship is built on quicksand. They both think they were being honest with each other, but they were fooling themselves (I saw some of the texts). But I am sure he had ulterior motives in the beginning. I think he saw vulnerability and opportunity and he tested that. And she was probably flattered and infatuated.

To the BS? What can I say.. an apology probably means nothing to him. He's in a foreign country now and married. I hope he's happier than he's ever been and that he did not suffer too much. That he's able to trust again, that his wife will be faithful, that he'll have kids and be happy. I would be fine if he got satisfaction out of the demise of me and his ex. Better yet, I hope he would be so moved on that he didn't care.
 
#60 ·
These might sound like strange questions but at various times I've heard OM's bragging about things like this and I don't know how much of it is locker room bravado among young men and how much of it might be real.

Did "doing" someone else's wife make you feel more powerful and therefore it added a more exciting element to it (even if you may have known it was wrong or felt bad about it)? Did you like to do sex acts to her that you thought would humiliate HIM even more?

Because of her being married to another guy, did you ever think differently about sex acts as you did them with her? For example, were you more dominant with her because she was also with another guy and you wanted to make sure that she was "your bi___" and not his? Sorry for being crude, didn't know how else to say it.

Did the fact that she was a cheater "cheapen" her sexually in your eyes or make you have less respect for her in a sexual sense? Did this impact how you felt when you had sex with her or what you wanted to do to her.
 
#63 ·
It's a typical outcome. At the ages and mindset that you do these things at, you don't understand that what she did to him is what she can do to you.

After you been through these situations and educated by TAM, you understand how it all tends to work and stay out of messy situations.
 
#64 ·
HB, this is the ultimate question for anyone who gets into a relationship which started as an affair.

The answer to your question, is No I did not. I trusted her. Affairs are a place of great openness as well as great deception.

I even asked my ex at one point, "How can you trust each other?". She said they talk about that. But it's not like they are going into deep therapy right now? These are ostensibly good at the moment .. but what about 5, 10, 15 years from now. Things are the kinds of questions you tend to avoid asking yourself in any meaningful way when things are going swimmingly.

She had a baby early with me (not planned together), she's having one early with him (I'm assuming planned together). There's not a lot of future thought involved, just optimism and living in the feeling of the day. And we're not talking about unintelligent people here.
 
#74 ·
Utter and complete shock. I feel As much as if we had not been AP's beforehand. I thought she was crazy for doing "it" again, after seeing how much pain she had caused her first H. And the pain she would cause our children after being a child of divorce herself? I got the whole "I deserve to be happy; children are resilient" speech. I swear, there really is a cheater's script.

Our bond was tight, secure.. or so I thought. The family love was abundant, but I suppose she lost attraction or respect at some point. Maybe she's just easily frustrated and conflict avoidant. It's hard to say what goes on in the mind of a wayward. It's all so ugly, cold and self-absorbed while being cloaked under the guise of something liberating, passionate and life-affirming. Like many others here, I was blindsided. No overt warnings, no "I'm unhappy", nothing of the kind. But of course, I was boring, controlling, etc. The usual fare. The BH doesn't see his wife pulling away, and she starts to despise him for not being the man she wants him to be, though she's not forthright about what she wants.
 
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