I have gotten some good advice, and I appreciate it. I certainly wasnt looking for approval for what I did, but it is nice to not be attacked either, and to get honest advice and opinions. I will see how this weekend goes, hopefully it will better than I am afraid it will. Ill check back Monday.
My first post was started by my suggestion to read back your first post as if someone else had wrote it. Why? Because it was written from an entirely immature and selfish position. What you received from me in my first posts were called 2x4s. They were meant to bring you back to reality and hopefully clear away some of the fog around your affair, so that you might realize what you are doing to your marriage. They were not meant to be advice.
Regarding your confession. One thing is imperative. DO NOT BLAME SHIFT. DO NOT BLAME YOUR HUSBAND IN ANYWAY FOR WHAT YOU DID. DO NOT USE THE PHRASE "BUT IF YOU HADN'T XXXXX, I WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED TO GO OUTSIDE OF OUR MARRIAGE"
Next, when you have confessed and he (God willing) is considering reconciling with you, NEVER, EVER, EVER, SAY "Can't we just put this behind us and move forward" YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER IT, UNTIL HE GETS OVER IT.
If he does consider reconciling. Tanelornpete and affaircare are good sources for advice on that. My advice tends to be black and white, which works in some situations, but not in others. Let me encourage your husband to start posting to share his feelings too. There are plenty of folks on here that can Identify with him regarding what you have put him through.
I would suggest also for you to look at the OM in the true light. He is NOT a nice guy! I am a nice guy and I can say that I have never slept with any of friends' wife, nor with any other married woman. Do you really want to be with a person whose moral fiber does not honor other people's wives?
At the same time your moral fiber has also gone through a tear and needs repairing. This repairing can be done with an honest to god confession to your spouse.
I have gotten some good advice, and I appreciate it. I certainly wasnt looking for approval for what I did, but it is nice to not be attacked either, and to get honest advice and opinions. I will see how this weekend goes, hopefully it will better than I am afraid it will. Ill check back Monday.
MMsmith1977~
Speaking as someone who was formerly disloyal (I like to think of myself as a recovered disloyalaholic LOL) I also agree with the other posters that the best thing you can do is confess to your husband and tell him the real truth. I know it is not going to be pretty, and it is going to hurt him, but the honest fact is that your action DID hurt him. It may sound backward, but you are actually respecting him more by telling him and allowing him to decide for himself what he wants to do. If you continue to keep it secret, what happens is that you're effectively saying, "I do not trust your ability to hear this kind of earth-shattering news and deal with it, not do I respect you enough to give you all the facts so you can be in charge of your own life."
Now regarding the OM and "just being friends" I do understand that anyone can make a mistake and without meaning to it goes too far. There's not particularly "judgement" here that this happened to you--but we also don't want to make the mistake of in any way indicating that we condone encourage or support infidelity. This isn't a support forum--it's a forum to talk about keeping your marriage and how to get OVER an affair! So that's partly why folks are harsh. And just to get a clearer picture of the OM, I would suggest that if you and I were friends, and you started to talk to me about the issues in your marriage, I might listen and I might say "Oh that's too bad" to give you a safe place to vent, but then as someone who REALLY YOUR FRIEND and someone with your best interests at heart, I would say something like, "Do you have any idea what you're going to do about it? You need to talk to your husband and tell him you feel like that! Do you know of a good counselor? I can help you look for one!" This is because someone who's really being a friend would help YOU be a better person...would encourage honesty, patience, gentleness, kindness, faithfulness, etc. A person who does not help you be a better person and behave with more character and quality is not a "friend"; they are a person who is using you or tearing you down.
In this instance I would suspect "using you" and probably for the thrill, the compliments/ego boost, and probably for a shot at sex.
Weekend was not too bad, end of last week was DISASTEROUS. I still have not had the courage to have a really serious talk, but I am thinking that with counseling we can possibly work things out in our marriage. I wish that I would not have been so stupid.
Did you tell him the full news, or just do an "oh, by the way." If you didn't tell him everything and plan on telling bits and pieces that's called Trickle Truth and from what I've seen does more harm than good. Because your husband will start thinking "what else is she keeping from me?" You have to tell him everything, all of it, at one time. It will be crushing, but he needs to hear it all.
You're sad for losing the OM emotional support but you're worried about hurting your husband's feelings for the affair. You're not really worried about your husband's feeling, your more worried for yourself at this point. The guilt you feel is for you, not for your marriage. Been there, done that. If you really are truly sorry and really full of guilt you'll confess to your husband.
To say, maybe I can just keep it a secret to spare my husband's feelings, WRONG, you want to spare your feelings. Been there, done that also. Lie all you want, if you really want it to work between your husband you'll tell him and work on the reason why you cheated in the 1st place with your husband.
Cheaters will always try to work it to the point saying that, I'm MAKING THIS HUGE SACRIFICE for my husband/wife's feelings. I'm doing it so I can spare them the hurt and pain and I'll be the martyr carrying this huge burden to save our marriage. We cheaters turn it that point to spare our feelings and to save us from the hurt we caused ourselves.
Yes there is always the chance your husband might leave you, but we made our beds and we have to sleep in them. If you bottle it up, eventually you'll resent the fact that you SETTLED for your husband and gave up the man who seemed so perfect for you. And the cheating starts again.
Tell your husband and let the chips fall where they fall at this point. If you lose him, you can only blame yourself and hope you learn from this lesson. I truly hope you both can work things out between your marriage though. Good luck to you.
The man that you had the affair with knew from the beginning that you were married and it didn't stop him from flirting, hanging out and eventually sleeping with you. Then he sleeps with you and decides that he doesn't want an affair. This is BS. This man only wanted to sleep with you. You were used. Plain and simple. He got it and now he doesn't want to be with you. He tossed you aside as easily as you tossed aside your vows to your husband. You would leave your husband and this man still won't want you because he knows firsthand that you can not be trusted. By sleeping with him you ruined any chance of having anything serious with him. If you did that to your husband of whatever amount of years he knows you would do it to him too and he therefore would never take you seriously. he will sleep with you only but would not wife you. You made a big mistake. Get over this affair by focusing on your marriage. I feel bad for your husband. If you honestly feel bad for being unfaithful then forgive yourself and never make this mistake again.
She didn't tell him. If she had taken our advice, she would have probably come back and asked for advice on how to get past it. How she could help him heal. Nope, my money is on her remaining a cheat and liar. Just read her first post again. It was all I,I,I. Poor guy. He doesn't know what trash he is saddled with.
Did you tell him the full news, or just do an "oh, by the way." If you didn't tell him everything and plan on telling bits and pieces that's called Trickle Truth and from what I've seen does more harm than good. Because your husband will start thinking "what else is she keeping from me?" You have to tell him everything, all of it, at one time. It will be crushing, but he needs to hear it all.
Very true. My wife did the bits and pieces with me (which of course the scenario changed from one time to another). I still am hurt because I have many questions, but don't want to reopen the issue again.
Remember this.....you are continuing to humilate your husband by having this coworker, he works closely with, have sexual knowledge of his wife and he doesn't even know it!!!! If you really care even a little for your husband you will stop this and tell him the truth.
Initforthedoration, I'm sorry but there is no reason for u saying the things u r saying on here. People come on here for help and by u bullying them and name calling is just immature and not right. She probably won't come back on here now for some help, so that did a lot of good didn't it.I am sorry for what u went through, but everyone has different situations and no its not right but stuff happens. We want people to come and get advice(help) not be scared away.
Cheaters often have different opinions regarding my posts. I sincerely get a positive response from most. Why? Because they want to be confronted. They want to repair their marriages and they realize that continuing to lie and cheat work against that goal. If you have read many of my posts, you will find that I am tough and direct with cheaters initially. Then after they confess to their spouse the 2x4s generally go away. I believe the best way to heal a marriage is for the truth to come out. You may disagree. A lot of cheaters feel that way. I have no use for the ones that come here and confess but won't confess to the wronged party. And sorry but "stuff happens" is to kind regarding the destruction that comes after EA/PAs. Just try using your "stuff happens" with your husband. Will saying that to him help or hurt his healing? I will guarantee you that any betrayed spouse hearing that will be set back to day one.
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