I agree with blueyes. You guys have been trashing this lady and she hasn't even posted since the 24th. You have no idea what she has or hasn't done. I think instead of giving helpful advice you (Init, esp.) are just getting your own rocks off being ugly for fun.
I agree with blueyes. You guys have been trashing this lady and she hasn't even posted since the 24th. You have no idea what she has or hasn't done. I think instead of giving helpful advice you (Init, esp.) are just getting your own rocks off being ugly for fun.
Thats true , its really funny to see people taking out their frustrations & anger on someone who knows already knows he/she has made a mistake & wants to correct it . That kind of attitude of trashing someone just because she asked for advice is pathetic .
Thats true , its really funny to see people taking out their frustrations & anger on someone who knows already knows he/she has made a mistake & wants to correct it . That kind of attitude of trashing someone just because she asked for advice is pathetic .
that is because a good number of folks on here are still quite bitter about their own lives and mirror that right onto this forum. Most of the advice is positive but some of it is downright ridiculous.
Looks like a cheaters convention. So my comments hurt peoples feelings. Imagine how your spouses would feel if you all told them that you were cheating on them? So instead of that you grouse at me for driving cheaters away. All I do is confront them with what they are doing to their spouses and families in hopes that they will turn from their (your) affairs and work on their (your) marriages. Maybe, just maybe they will feel enough guilt to go to their spouses and confess.
The funny thing is, I may make cheaters feel uncomfortable by explaining to cheaters what their spouses feel or give them analogies of their cheating ways. But THEY (YOU) are actually DOING these things to your husbands and wives. You tell me how hurtful the things I am saying to you are. All I have done is shine a light on the things you are actually doing to people you are suppose to love. So tell me again how cruel I am. Ouch, the truth hurts.
Have any of you read the title of this blog? It says Coping with Infidelity: Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity Just how exactly does supporting the cheaters that come on here who have not confessed their infidelities to their spouses, help their relationships recover from the destructiveness of THEIR infidelity? The recovery starts when you all start to tell the truth. If I make one of you feel bad or guilty enough to go to your husband or wife and beg their forgiveness, then that's a win in my eyes. So go ahead and flame me, if it allows you to focus your anger on me instead of yourselves for what you're doing. You still have to look at yourselves in the mirror.
Havent been on in a while, have been dealing with things and working alot, not really avoiding the subject. And I do appreciate the support, and the constructive criticism alike, just not necessarily any name calling, but I do respect everyone's right to an opinion. And i do agree that what I did was despicable, I dont think you can make generalizations like "everyone who cheats is a horrible person/has no morals/is promiscuous, etc." especially without knowing the person at all. But anyways, that being said (which was not my original point but I got sidetracked!) I DID talk to my husband and tell him the truth, contrary to what some may have believed. It was not pretty at all, of course, but did go better than I expected. We have discussed things at length for the past week, pretty much night and day, not really sleeping, and are going to at least try to make things work. We have both been unhappy for a while, and both have had doubts, but agree that we need to at least try. I honestly do not know what to expect at this point, but I hope that we can both find some happiness. I am taking this very seriously, but right now feel so drained and exhausted, and kind of numb. I am just not really sure where to go from here now.
You need to break the emotional link with the OM first this could take months, so be patient and work through the hurt on a day to day basis.
You need to go into a hard no contact with the OM, absolutely no contact what so ever.
In the interim keep your mind very busy.
Talking to your H is good, together you can move forward. At the moment there are going to be no right answers.
Do not be judgemental and hone on things that annoy you as these are exacerbated by the affair and will be as you go through withdrawal.
There will come a stage when the OM means nothing to you and you can see things for what they are. Then and only then can you reflect on your marriage.
Havent been on in a while, have been dealing with things and working alot, not really avoiding the subject. And I do appreciate the support, and the constructive criticism alike, just not necessarily any name calling, but I do respect everyone's right to an opinion. And i do agree that what I did was despicable, I dont think you can make generalizations like "everyone who cheats is a horrible person/has no morals/is promiscuous, etc." especially without knowing the person at all. But anyways, that being said (which was not my original point but I got sidetracked!) I DID talk to my husband and tell him the truth, contrary to what some may have believed. It was not pretty at all, of course, but did go better than I expected. We have discussed things at length for the past week, pretty much night and day, not really sleeping, and are going to at least try to make things work. We have both been unhappy for a while, and both have had doubts, but agree that we need to at least try. I honestly do not know what to expect at this point, but I hope that we can both find some happiness. I am taking this very seriously, but right now feel so drained and exhausted, and kind of numb. I am just not really sure where to go from here now.
I'm so happy for you and I wish you guys all the best. It can work, it did and is for my wife and I. One thing that really helped us in the begining and that I recomend for you is to go to the marriagebuilders site and pull down the love busters and emotional needs quiz's and do both of them (both quizes, and one for each of you). Take a day or two to put some real thought into it. Then come together and sit down and talk through them together. It will really help you.
I'm only going to say that I admire your courage for coming here in the first place, being honest, actually struggling with the right thing, being brave enough to face yourself and DO what you were afraid to do...
...and all while being torn apart here. I am virtually sickened by some of the responses here, not only because I am just one of the "sick disloyals" but also because here you are someone really looking for some help to do right thing, and do people give you the encouragement to do what's right? No, they tear you down, call you names, make horrifying generalizations, and act all "holier than thou." Here's one thing I've learned: "There but for the grace of God go I!"
On behalf of MOST of the posters here on Talk About Marriage I deeply apologize for the treatment you've received here and hope you'll continue to post to those of us who are not so mean-spirited and judgmental. I hope you'll see that there is a community here that will in no way condone unfaithfulness, but if that is where you are we will help you get out of it and rebuild the love in your marriage.
On your behalf, frankly I am VERY offended and will be adding two names to my ignore list as people whom I believe are just here to hurt others. To add people to your own ignore list, you can click on their name, click "View Public Profile", click on the User List drop down arrow, and select "Add to Ignore List." When it asks for confirmation, click "Yes." Then you will never again have to see or read that vicious kind of talk.
I'm only going to say that I admire your courage for coming here in the first place, being honest, actually struggling with the right thing, being brave enough to face yourself and DO what you were afraid to do...
...and all while being torn apart here. I am virtually sickened by some of the responses here, not only because I am just one of the "sick disloyals" but also because here you are someone really looking for some help to do right thing, and do people give you the encouragement to do what's right? No, they tear you down, call you names, make horrifying generalizations, and act all "holier than thou." Here's one thing I've learned: "There but for the grace of God go I!"
On behalf of MOST of the posters here on Talk About Marriage I deeply apologize for the treatment you've received here and hope you'll continue to post to those of us who are not so mean-spirited and judgmental. I hope you'll see that there is a community here that will in no way condone unfaithfulness, but if that is where you are we will help you get out of it and rebuild the love in your marriage.
On your behalf, frankly I am VERY offended and will be adding two names to my ignore list as people whom I believe are just here to hurt others. To add people to your own ignore list, you can click on their name, click "View Public Profile", click on the User List drop down arrow, and select "Add to Ignore List." When it asks for confirmation, click "Yes." Then you will never again have to see or read that vicious kind of talk.
Thank you very much for that, I appreciate it. The thing is, I have never denied that what I did was terrible and hurtful. But the way some people have acted was surprising. No one is perfect, and I am sure we have all done bad things, or hurt someone, or have regrets. We are all human, we all mess up, and I have paid the consequences emotionally for this one, believe me. I guess there probably some people out there who habitually cheat and do not feel the guilt or stress, but I have been through a misery of guilt, hurt, desire, confusion, stress, etc. for months now, and I still do not feel much better. i am trying to do the right thing but am having trouble letting go of all of my bad feelings. I guess that in time it will get better, as everyone says. And thank you again, all I can say to people who only have unkind things to say is that we are all people, and I think we all deserve to be treated well. I have nothing against criticism or sterness, but I do not see why anyone would be pointlessly hurtful.
The 2x4s being swung at you were not pointlessly hurtful. They were swung because you were on the fence regarding confessing to your husband. Have you noticed since you confessed they stopped? The other cheaters here were worried that you were scared away. Apparently you weren't. Good for you. Tanelorn and affaircare offer really good advice. I do hope your marriage is restored. We all have an investment in each others marriages.
Looks like a cheaters convention. So my comments hurt peoples feelings. Imagine how your spouses would feel if you all told them that you were cheating on them? So instead of that you grouse at me for driving cheaters away. All I do is confront them with what they are doing to their spouses and families in hopes that they will turn from their (your) affairs and work on their (your) marriages. Maybe, just maybe they will feel enough guilt to go to their spouses and confess.
The funny thing is, I may make cheaters feel uncomfortable by explaining to cheaters what their spouses feel or give them analogies of their cheating ways. But THEY (YOU) are actually DOING these things to your husbands and wives. You tell me how hurtful the things I am saying to you are. All I have done is shine a light on the things you are actually doing to people you are suppose to love. So tell me again how cruel I am. Ouch, the truth hurts.
Have any of you read the title of this blog? It says Coping with Infidelity: Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity Just how exactly does supporting the cheaters that come on here who have not confessed their infidelities to their spouses, help their relationships recover from the destructiveness of THEIR infidelity? The recovery starts when you all start to tell the truth. If I make one of you feel bad or guilty enough to go to your husband or wife and beg their forgiveness, then that's a win in my eyes. So go ahead and flame me, if it allows you to focus your anger on me instead of yourselves for what you're doing. You still have to look at yourselves in the mirror.
1) I have been cheated on and I wish I never knew about it... telling is not always the best approach for every situation. Im glad it worked for you and some other here.
2) I have cheated and its not all up to the cheater to make ammends... there has usually been a history of some dynamic prior to the cheating. Not saying, that it causes the cheating in all cases... bc some still dont cheat in those circumstances (like me in my first marriage... cheating never crossed my mind). There are several here that know that both need to make ammends in different ways... healing together.
3) Coping with Infidelity... both parties are coping with it in some shape or fashion. But you bring up a good point. Perhaps there should be separate message boards for those having an affair and wanting to heal or move beyond it and those heling from being cheated on...OR, just disclipline ourselves to only respond to posters in our own positions instead of bashing the cheaters.
I think different message boards for people who have cheated and people who have been cheated on is a very good idea. I can absolutely see where it is hurtful/insulting for someone who has been cheated on to read a post from someone saying how hard it is to be the cheater. (I have been on both sides, I was cheated on by my ex who left me to marry the other woman, which is a whole other story), so I can see both sides. You would also think that someone who knows what it is like to be cheated on would never do it but sadly that does not seem to be the case. As far as the hurtful messages I mentioned, there were a couple that were a little pointlessly unkind and made assumptions that were wrong, but you also should have seen some of the PM's I received (most were very kind and helpful, and some, not so much), but thats not really the point- i think that there are reasons for every action and a person cannot be judged on their actions alone. As far as confessing, that was something I received tons of conflicting advice on, so that is a confusing issue. I also do not think it is right for every situation, I think the right course of action depends on the individual's relationship. All that being said, I do honestly appreciate everyone taking the time to weigh in and give advice, that is why I came on here, after all, even knowing the strong negative reaction some people were sure to have.
I too am sorry for your "spanking" u received here at TAM.
I too tend to try and tell it like it is but, one can see u r not making (too many) excuses nor feeling "great" about yer infidelity. While we all have some freedom of expression here at TAM and are likewise faulty human beings at times, we should all show some tact/wisdom responding to new posters
(especially)concerns here.
Perhaps if u'd gone on for 7-10 pgs of excuses, denials, etc then i'd have to side w/ the frustrated responders here.
But u didnt, and BRAVO! You were braver than most to tell yer
H who deserved to know the truth. U didnt wait till u were both 64 or on yer deathbeds (and such). I COMMEND YOU FOR THAT !
Time will tell what is to be for u both. Your marriage will never be the same (duh, right?). It may grow into something better than the fragile/boring/innocent state it was before, or may dissolve completely leading to new horizons for u both.
Yet either way u did the right thing. keep us posted if u wish.
Re: Need Advice on an Affair 
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