hitrockbottom

This seems to be where I am stuck....

I have opened myself up.
I offered up my journal.
I tell her where I am going...now she says she doesn't want me to do that...but I'm going to continue to show her that I want to.
I cut out the friends that were influencing me.
I quit drinking (mainly for myself also)
I got counseling...which I talk to her about
I'm not going out every night anymore.
I ask her to come where ever I go...she hasn't yet
I've started fixing up around the house.
I still respect her wishes as far as not sleeping in the same room goes.
I leave my phone in the open and when I get a text I immediately tell her who it is(same with phone calls)

It doesn't seem like I am getting through. She says that she doesn't want to check my emails, text, she actually refuses to answer my phone calls now.
She says she still doesn't trust me.
She says she respects me as a friend for the changes I have made but doesn't know how to trust me.


So what do I do?
I'm sick of sleeping in the basement. I haven't as much as kissed my wife since mothers day. She won't hold my hand. Yesterday she said she didn't want to hug me because she didn't want me to expect them. WTF?
What am I suppose to do?
Or is it too soon to tell?

I think I need to make a more impacting impression. I have a ring that I have had since I was 14yrs old, I've never taken it off. It was the first present/birthday my dad attended. It means the world to me. So I think I am going to offer it to her on a necklace. Tell her that I don't know how else to regain her trust so as a sacrifice of my love and a show of trust toward her I want her to hold onto the ring until she is ready/comfortable around me. I won't take it back until she is ready to work on our relationship. In the mean time she has a piece of me. That way every day she is reminded of what I am willing to do for her.

cao428

Man I wish my husband was like you! I don't know what to tell you..Are you two going to see a counselor?

Moonlight

Wow, I think that if there was one way to heal this wound, you are on the right track. I would keep up the commitment to no privacy, sounds silly but I think if you keep this up it will show her how dedicated and sorry you are. There's no way for me to know, and maybe you to know when and if she will be ready for you again. I think counseling would be a good idea if she agrees to it. Time will tell.

I admire your dedication to fix the wrong doings. I wish more men would be like this.

827Aug

You are awesome!!! If my husband would even do half of what you've done, we wouldn't be having problems. My husband says he has a right to his privacy. I would say keep doing what you're doing. If anything is going to work that should!

Hang in there!

hitrockbottom

If I had the money I would

cao428

I don't know if this will help but you can get a one time free email consult with Dr. Ellen Kreidman. She's pretty good...right to the point.

Marriage Counseling Alternative - Contact Dr. Ellen

Obviously it's going to take some time. Best of luck!

hitrockbottom

Thanks..Ill check it out

827Aug

Hi Hitrockbottom!

Many health insurance plans cover marriage counseling. Check and see if yours does. I have one of the rare plans that doesn't. I end up paying $50 per hour. I think it would be great if you could see a therapist; you are so sincere about saving your marriage. I wished my husband was so sincere. I've come to realize my husband is more concerned about keeping his #1 employee than keeping his wife. I believe we're going to counseling to end the marriage and still keep me working in the business. Good luck!

marie38

I would love if my husband showed half the effort that you have. I understand your wife's hurt and pain, but you are truly doing your best to help get your marriage back. I hope she realizes soon that you are sincere, or I fear she'll lose you again. No matter what- one person can't do all the work for a relationship to survive. She knows you can't take back what's been done, so she needs to decide if anything you do to make it better will ever be enough. I wish you both all the best. Marie

hitrockbottom

My health insurance only covers personal Therapy not marriage

believer

Another option for counseling - some employers either yours or your wife's offer employee assistance programs - where the 1st - 3 visits are free, etc. If either of your employers offer that - it usually also covers some legal advice, etc. Maybe one more option to check out to assist with the financial end.
Maybe you could hit the book store & try reading some self - help books to guide you through if professional help is not affordable?

As others have mentioned - it definitely sounds like you are remorseful & have gone above & beyond to show your wife you are committed to your marriage. Yes it may take her time to come around & unfortunately there is no text book answer for what is the right amount of time.
Have you asked your wife if there is anything else you could do to help her feel more comfortable? Sounds like you have exhausted most options but maybe there is something simple that you haven't thought of that she would like to be done.

Be patient & hopefully she will come around. I hope she realizes you can't fix everything on your own - that "repairing your marriage" will take both of you & open communication to accomplish that.
Best wishes . . .

hitrockbottom

Funny you mention self help books...ok I'm gonna say it but I hate to admit it....I got a few...yep there it is out in the open..
For real though I have bought some. One that stands out to me is called "THE POWER OF A PRAYING HUSBAND" Amazing book. WHat it can't help me with my marriage it can help me in my personal faith. I highly recommend it.

Also I have asked what I can do, she still says space. Last night we got into an argument about our situation..I was upset at her for not being by myside(I had to have my dog I grew up w/put to sleep.) But after thinking about it I realized that she must have felt the same pain when she found out about my infidelity: The resentment, anger, that loneliness in your heart. I asked if thats what she felt she said yes...I couldn't be angry anymore.
She went to Yoga, while she was gone I made dinner: Steak, Twice baked mashed potatoes, and fresh green beans. I went and got a movie she has been wanting to see.

When she got home she came straight into the kitchen and hugged me for like 10 minutes...told me she loved me. I tried to move in for a kiss and got the cheek(but hey you don't know till you try). We watched the movie together, she sat close to me but rejected my advances to hold her hand, just got a squeeze and relase, but she still sat next to me and we laughed, talked, and made light of our dark situation. So I know that there is something there. She said if she wanted it to be truely over she would have left already, thats really the only thing I'm holding onto....

cao428

Hi hitrockbottom,

That's great news! Sounds like the healing is beginning. Give it time, as you have to.

All the best!