08-23-2010, 10:00 PM
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#4 (permalink)
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Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 2,539
|  Re: I Don't Care
Well there are two issues here--one is "deserving" and the other is "does the loyal spouse have a part"? And yogachick, I'm going to use your example first as a way to answer!
You used the example of a person who says "my spouse doesn't make enough money to satisfy me so I'm going to rob a bank" and then you say "does he have a part?" and conclude that you don't think so.
My example that I try to get people to see is that if you are a materialistic, entitled princess and the issue is all you and no matter how much money he made you'd never be satisfied...but he TRIED and worked three jobs...then clearly it's all you and 100% your choice. But what's usually happening before an affair is the wife who can not feed the children, and she says, "Honey I can't feed the kids! I need you to do something to earn some money!" and he ignores her and sits at home drinking beer. After the third day of having nothing to eat, she tries to bring it up again and he meets her pleas for help with anger and screams at her to SHUT UP! and blames her for his own lacks...and gives her the silent treatment and slams doors. After the fifth day of having nothing to eat, with the kids crying for days straight and starting to be dehydrated...in desperation she goes out and robs a bank.
Is she responsible for her choice to resort to a life of crime and rob a bank? Oh yes 100%! Should she be personally responsible for her choice? Yes! Could she have made other choices (like file for foodstamps?) Yes. But did her spouse contribute? Yes, most definitely!!
Thus clearly it's conceivable that after examining yourself and being really honest that the issues really were all "with the disloyal" and that the loyal spouse was a very good spouse and had not been doing love extinguishers and had continued love kindlers....but it's somewhat unlikely. Usually it's closer to the second example.
Regarding the "deserving" thing--I'd say that no human being can do anything on the planet that would justify being cheated on, but I get a little concerned when I see the word "deserved" because that's a word that verges on entitlement thinking. After all, the disloyal "deserved to be happy for once" and "deserved to think of themselves" and that's how lots of them justify their affair! So I think the word "deserved" is a little scary because it implies someone is entitled to something or they "have it coming." With THAT kind of concept I greatly disagree. First no loyal has the pain of an affair "coming to them" even if they did contribute to the downfall of the marriage. I've known of disloyals who were best described as nutcases completely unattached to reality, who had nothing by vitriol and spite coming from their heart--and even then they didn't have it "coming to them." Neither does a loyal spouse have "happiness and love" coming to them simply by being in existence. A human being alive on this planet does not have food, medical care, or decent treatment "coming to them." In a marriage, you can not treat your spouse with utter contempt, raging and controlling them, and think that you "deserve" love because you're married.
So rather than saying "no one deserves the pain of an affair" I would say that an affair is the most painful thing that a living human can endure (other than possibly the death of a child) and that choosing to inflict that kind of pain on someone who is in an intimate relationship with you is excruciating. The loyal spouse does not "deserve" and the disloyal spouse does not "deserve." If they want to be loved and trusted and intimate, they have to determine in the heads and hearts to do the work required to have love, trust and intimacy in their lives. If I want to be loved, I have to act in a loving way and even then it's no guarantee that I'll get it! It also requires that my partner wants love and volunteers to act lovingly toward me.
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