I've been reading posts everyday for a few weeks now and I thought maybe someone could help me. I caught my h having an ea a little over a month ago with a girl at work( I know surprise right) they were texting pretty heavy for about a month probably started longer than that.
When I confronted him he admitted to it said that he would stop to save our family and he also admitted that he loved me but that his feelings have changed. Needless to say I was devastated and still am, ok here's the sad part my h was amazed at how upset I was.he felt like I didn't need him and she tells him how perfect he is and how good she will treat him etc. Let me fill some background I have been with my h for 20 years since I was 16 and we have been married for 13 we have 9 yrs. Old twins and we both work full time so needless to say we are busy and yes since I've found out I've really done some soul searching and I realize that we started taking each other for granted and so I can see how this girl could have eased her way in to the picture. I feel like we have been trying to save our marriage. I feel like maybe I'm working little harder at it then him. I know that my h is very unhappy at where he is in his career and he has some other issues I'm pretty sure he is suffering from depression and think it has been going on for about 6-8 mos. He even admits that he is being self destructive and that he doesn't understand why he's doing
With what he's doing. So yesterday since now I have a ton of trust issues I found this girl on my space and her status is "I haven't been in love in awhile, but I'm so f'in in love I can't stand it I love you h(name) so of course I freak out and I change his fb password and found that on august 13 he sent her a message " can't stop thinking about you babe, besos" when he got home from work I freaked a little and told him he had to leave begged him to set me free and stop hurting me. Here's the kicker he doesn't want to leave I'm crying he's crying he wants to be with me he's working hard to get his head out of the clouds.
I told him he has to end all contact with ow quit his job whatever it takes and he needs to fight for me. I don't if I can get past the message he sent her that message was sent 24 days after I found out initially I've cried and suffered every single day. Do I stay or do I go. He has never seen me like this before I think he knows I've had it. Please some advise sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading Posted via Mobile Device
I'm so so sorry to hear about your painful finding. There is not a huge amount positive to say about what he has done but there is one crucial factor. He is crying and wanting to be with you - he is showing some willing to still be in the marriage.
I have been in your position with the difference being my wife's 'EA' had been going almost 2 years so was harder to break. I have put EA in inverted commas because this is what she had me believe for a long time. I don't know enough about your situation to say for sure but you should probably prepare your self for two things. This has probably gone on for longer than you think (would they really be supposedly madly in love after a month). Also it may well have been physical. You may never know but after 3 months my wife decided to tell me the real truth.
What is crucial at this point is that he has no more contact with this woman. none. My wife has now left me for the 4th time in 4 months and this time it is final. Each time she came back she said she would have no contact with him but she worked with him and she now admits that every phone call, email, text had an effect on her as she was missing him. I did not insist she leave her job until the last time and it became clear by then she was not willing to do it. He will be scared about leaving his job - who wouldn't - but if he doesn't end all contact with her you you will not be able to stop this. Of that I am certain.
I wish you all the luck in the world. These things happen, people make mistakes and I'm sure I could have forgiven my wife if she showed me any sign of commitment, regret, effort on the marriage. If he quits OW and shows you signs I'm sure you will get past this
I'm so so sorry to hear about your painful finding. There is not a huge amount positive to say about what he has done but there is one crucial factor. He is crying and wanting to be with you - he is showing some willing to still be in the marriage.
I have been in your position with the difference being my wife's 'EA' had been going almost 2 years so was harder to break. I have put EA in inverted commas because this is what she had me believe for a long time. I don't know enough about your situation to say for sure but you should probably prepare your self for two things. This has probably gone on for longer than you think (would they really be supposedly madly in love after a month). Also it may well have been physical. You may never know but after 3 months my wife decided to tell me the real truth.
What is crucial at this point is that he has no more contact with this woman. none. My wife has now left me for the 4th time in 4 months and this time it is final. Each time she came back she said she would have no contact with him but she worked with him and she now admits that every phone call, email, text had an effect on her as she was missing him. I did not insist she leave her job until the last time and it became clear by then she was not willing to do it. He will be scared about leaving his job - who wouldn't - but if he doesn't end all contact with her you you will not be able to stop this. Of that I am certain.
I wish you all the luck in the world. These things happen, people make mistakes and I'm sure I could have forgiven my wife if she showed me any sign of commitment, regret, effort on the marriage. If he quits OW and shows you signs I'm sure you will get past this
Posted via Mobile Devicethank you for taking the time to read my post and I'm also very sorry for the pain that has been inflicted on you. I realize that if he doesn't leave his job that this will never end. But is it naïve of me to think that my h the man that I have dedicated my life should choose me? see my h had awful child hood and as I stated before we have been togehter since we were teenagers I have been the only person that has always stood at his side No matter what. I don't know if its possible to over come this betrayal I love him truly and deeply. But me loving him is not enough for me.
Well my h quit his job yesterday. I didn't think he was going to he was finding reasons to stay the thought of him being there with the ow is just to much for me. We have a lot to work on. right now I'm so destroyed I just feel hurt and pain every minute of everyday. I can't stop thinking about him choosing someone that was not me!! He says he will do anything to make it right for us. But he has lied and betrayed our marriage, is it really ever possible to have that blind trust ever again. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: broken and alone
Quote:
Originally Posted by hmm
is it really ever possible to have that blind trust ever again.
Blind Trust? Probably not. But with time the trust does come back but it will never be quite the same as you have been betrayed. Sometimes it takes months or even years but it can return. Your husband has taken a huge step in a positive direction but be prepared he may become depressed or withdrawn as he gets passed her. This is normal. He may even stub his toe and try to contact her again. Make sure he understands your boundaries and that you try and understand what he is going through now. With work and effort he can turn to you again as his emotional center, best friend and wife. If he has broken contact you can now concentrate on yourselves as a couple and not her. Good luck.
hmm,
Sorry for all the pain you are going through right now in your life, I know from experience what that feels like.....
This is a slow process, so don't expect anything, don't trust until you feel safe however long that takes......
I know myself what kind of pressure you feel from every angle of your life now......What to do.....how do you make it all right again, well the truth is you can't change the past, whatever happened, happened.......but you can decide to try to make a new normal for the two of you, your husband is willing to do anything, quitting his job shows you he is trying to mend what he has broken.....
In no way do you blame yourself for this or anything you did, this is about your husband and his inability to keep his word and promise he made to you, that is his weakness.....
Be the best woman you can be, live the best life you can.....you are worth the best and this might be your opportunity to get this......look at this long term and as an eye opener to your marriage......work at both being happy.......
stay calm, don't do anything without thinking it through, come here to vent and help with your life plan.....
First move is to get the OW out of your husband's life, NO CONTACT means nothing for any reason........
Remember when you make a choice in how your life will be, you are doing it for you and your future and once you make that choice you have to put 100% into that or it won't work......
Hopefully things will get better soon, it's sort of like a death.....the process that goes with that, there is like 5 stages you go through to get to recovery.........
good luck
So I have a update.. since my husband quit his job last week he spent friday and saturday hanging out with his friends, friday he had our kids and saturday he got them a sitter while I was at work. Which is fine whatever.. I know my insecurity at this point are mine and I need to deal.
Saturday evening as we are on the couch together his phone went off he thought it was a friend and had no problem pulling it out to look well I see there is a text and I say u have a text so he goes to that screen and turns the phone from me and low and behold it is from the ow a message that she misses him he immediately tried to delete it. But that pissed me off too. Full disclosure means full disclosure!! Anyways our daughter was home so I just went to our room he followed and we finally had our first real discussion of how this happened.
he went on and on about how our life just got into a routine since around jan and I wasn't paying him enough attention, he figured I was just there because we were like roommates etc. Etc. Also he kept making these comments about me wanting him to
Be someone he's not that I expect him to be the guy he was 10 years ago at this point I tell him I have no idea what he's talking about its like he has eveything worked out in his head about how I feel and don't feel and no matter what I say he's already convinced, its just crazy to me.
Okay I agree with some of what
he was saying we did both just go about our days I can see we probably got into a rut with just working and taking care of the kids but hey this is a two way street he acts like every minute of the last 8 months of our life has sucked and that's not true(and I really think he blames mostly me at least that's how it sounded). Me I'm guessing this is how he is rationalizing falling for another girl.
So back to this ow I told him I was going to contact her and tell her to stop contacting MY HUSBAND!!! He wants me to let him handle it. He is going to just ignore her texts and calls until she goes away. Please give me advise should I wait a couple of weeks and if she is still calling then should I call her? He says there is no reason to get confrontational is he serious? I'm fighting for my life.
Also everytime we have any type of small breakthrough or good time together the next day he is very standoffish so yesterday he basically ignored me all day. Slept on the couch most of the night came to bed early this morning and snuggled really tight with me. It was nice so I comment to him that I was cold all night until he came to bed and that when he snuggled me it warmed me up and he says yeah I was cold when I came to bed so I say oh is that the only reason u snuggled me and he says yeah. ( Okay could of been joking I'm not sure) just him being hot and cold to me is very hard for me to deal with not sure how long this can last Posted via Mobile Device
Is she married or in a relationship elsewhere, if so they must be told.
For your H to be in the marriage he has to be fully committed to you, anything else tells you he is playing with your emotions and hers as well.
There are no secrets, no hidden messages, change his mobile number if he cannot stop reading the text messages. He only has to read one to start all over again.
Your marriage will recover only if he fully commits to the steps required to regain your trust.
Well its been about 3 weeks since h left his job and as far as I know it has been 3 weeks since he has spoken to or seen the ow ( she did try to contact on 2 occasions. But was ignored and has not contacted in about 1 and half weeks now)
I wish I could say we are making progress but alas I don't think we are I'm totally in limbo while he is going through his adjustments. He is very hot and cold. I feel like he is just done and is sticking around for what? God only knows we talk but not really about anything. Its tough I got a couple of numbers today for some counselors gonna bring it up tonite when I get home from work. Wish me luck I don't know how much more of the cold shoulder I can take I feel like I live with a complete stranger and I'm doing all of the trying I just need to find the strength to carry on!!! Posted via Mobile Device
I don't think we are going to make it! We went to have a couple of drinks tonite and it already felt a little emotional some of the comments he was making right after my second drink I felt it was time to go he went to the restroom and I felt he was in there for a couple of minutes to long he came out shaking his head alittle I knew something was wrong when we got outside he told me the ow called his phone but didn't leave a message. This is supposedly the first time in a month that she has tried to call him.
Okay I handled it badly. But not at first I said somethings I can't remember exactly but the jist of it was that I wanted him to hand me his phone when we got home and let me call her ( I have never contacted her yet) and tell her to stop trying to contact my h. He refused so then I told him to call in front of me and tell her to stop calling him. He refused! And then that's whe things got ugly on part!!! I'm so pissed off!!!
My h tells me he is giving us everything he's got. Its a lie!!! I can feel him holding back. He basically told me his pride is more important then me. You see that's why he wouldn't give me his phone because he didn't want the call to look like he's lettuing his w call her!!
I told him last night I forgive him for everything it actually felt quite liberating! its crazy I'm the victim of this crap! And I'm the one doing the forgiving and apologizing.
Also towards the end he was going to leave. He keeps telling me if you want me to leave I will. You see I think in his head if I make him leave then I'm the one that wanted things to be over. I do want this to be over! I want to move on with my life but he doesn't know what he wants. He knows he's supposed to be with me and the kids but he doesn't want to be here. I wish there was a magic button that could make all of this go away!! Its been 9 weeks and it doesn't feel like anything is getting betterm Posted via Mobile Device
I read your entire posts and it sounds to me like he is being immature. He trying to do damage control on both ends (yours and the ow). If he is serious about breaking off with the ow, then he should make the call in front of you.
Both of you need to go to counseling. Did he ever say he would go to counseling? I am not a therapist but it seems as if his hot and cold spells towards you may be because he is torn between you and the ow. If she continues to call him insist he get an order of protection against her, preventing her from calling him. See what he says about that. He needs to realize the pain he caused you and if you feel he hasn't, then you will never get over this together.
Good luck and all I can say is get professional help together.
Ur situation is a little like mine. My husband was (is) having an emotional affair through FB. And they call each other occasionally. He refuses to let her go completely and I see their status updates. They are busy passing comments to each other. Dont know what else they cjat about in private.
His head is still somewhat in the clouds and he is still a bit in two places. In my own situation where my wife had the affair on me, it was about 2 to 3 months before she really effected 'no contact'. At first she was blatant about it, then she would claim she had but really be hiding it. Then hiding it better.
I know the pain and hurt you are going through. And yes he does need to very much so put a complete end to it, no contact. But I just want to say that there is hope. Just because he is dragging his heels ... doesn't mean he won't finally get there. He has been giving you at least SOME effort (in fact from reading your posts I would say you get or at least were getting good effort at some point/points) and that is something to build upon.
I can say this ... 9 months later my marriage has not only survived it, it is thriving. We are doing great and there is hope for you to get here too, if you are still willing to give it a try. That is the decision you have to make though. Are you willing to keep fighting for it, and is it worth it to you?
broken and alone 
