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I think my wife MIGHT be having affair…

225K views 507 replies 130 participants last post by  eastsouth2000 
#1 ·
I think my wife MIGHT be having affair…she’s asleep right now and I’m looking for some thoughts...

So here’s my story and few things that have happened to me in my brief marriage.

Met my wife three years ago, instant mutual attraction, off the charts sex, and we were engaged 10 months later. She is 27, I’m 30. Wonderful wedding day, good honeymoon - but immediately afterwards things went sour and I’m not sure why. We are approaching the third year of marriage.

Some notes:

1. I worked a lot of long hours in our first year of marriage. Like 10-12 hour days. She did not like this, but I was a manager and we working against some tight deadlines.

2. After the honeymoon was over, it took us three months to have sex again. Then another two months afterwards to have sex again.

3. After our first year of marriage, she gained a ton of weight, at least 35 lbs. She has been seeing a counselor, and has been on Strattera, Lamictal, and Cymbalta. She was on another drug that I forget the name of. She has went through bouts of depression her entire life.

4. I am getting yelled at, ALL THE TIME. I will be sitting watching TV with her, and she will start picking a fight with me for no real reason. She picks on me for being too thin and it’s ruining myself esteem. I asked if she thought I was good looking and she did not answer.

5. I am often told that I do not make enough money. She works at a company where a lot of guys are making great money and she has to travel for her job, so she is around other men a lot. I make a decent living, but we are not rich.

6. We went on a trip for our second anniversary and she refused to sleep with me, and she gave me a dirty look when I tried to initiate sex. I would say that we maybe have had sex 10-15 times in our entire marriage (2 years, 9 months total)

7. She does not like to be hugged by me at all. I tried kissing her on the cheek the other morning prior to us leaving for work and she winced.

8. This past December, we went to her companies Holiday party together and her co-workers were acting kind of weird around me. They would stare at me for a long time and look confused, and look away. Maybe I’m being too paranoid.

9. She talks, at least once a week, about her female co-workers flirting with other guys in the office. Married men going out to lunch with married women.

10. We are in marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor once asked her if she thought would be OK if I had my needs met by another woman. She really didn’t have a response.

11. My wife seems to have no friends, except her mom. She seems to get home everyday at 5:15pm. So, if she is with someone, it’s on her lunch breaks ONLY. She doesn’t leave my sight during the weekends.

Obviously, my marriage is in shambles, I have been thinking about divorce since Christmas. But I love this woman so much…I just feel like something is up.

Thoughts?
 
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#75 ·
If the answer to the following two questions is a resounding yes then I would wager BPD more than plain depression or bipolar:

1 - can she regulate her emotions at the level expected of a 29 year old professional woman or does she become unglued at the first opportunity?

2 - does she behave like she despises you yet always needs to talk or interact with you?

If BPD is in the list of options a PA/EA would not be ruled out but I doubt it.
 
#78 ·
If the answer to the following two questions is a resounding yes then I would wager BPD more than plain depression or bipolar:

1 - can she regulate her emotions at the level expected of a 29 year old professional woman or does she become unglued at the first opportunity?
Unglued whenever I disagree with anything she says. I have to always pacify. The only way I can get in a word edge wise is when I talk with her over the phone while we are both at work. That way, her co-workers won't see her blow up.

2 - does she behave like she despises you yet always needs to talk or interact with you?
Yes. But it's more about how we don't have enough money (for her), or how someone is doing something better than we are. It's like she can't find anything positive in ANYTHING we do. I've never been treated like this in my entire life. I once told her "I feel like all you do is yell at me."
 
#80 ·
Yes, she seems to meet all the criteria. But part of me wonders if she is just a huge ***** or really disordered. I mean, she does seek counseling on her own so she knows something is up. But individual counseling and marriage counseling have done nothing for her. We'll come out marriage counseling and she'll just verbally beat the crap out of me later that night and forget everything the counselor said.

It's beyond frustrating.
 
#79 ·
@86857 post was materful.

Disagree on the EA PA part. The coworkers looking at you funny is really hitting my gut. Either she is doinking someone, trying to doink someone, or she said you beat her or something.
 
#84 ·
Moonshadows post was materful.

Disagree on the EA PA part. The coworkers looking at you funny is really hitting my gut. Either she is doinking someone, trying to doink someone, or she said you beat her or something.
What I'm thinking is that she is not cheating, but she is probably wondering if she can get a better deal since I'm so "awful" - which is a joke. I agree that if she was actually cheating, she would have lost a lot of weight to get with someone. She did not have a boyfriend when she met me, but she did lose weight in order to seduce me. I would be thinking this would be happening right now if another guy is in picture.
 
#82 ·
I agree with the PP, I believe its stories shes Probably been telling her co workers, I was going to say shes been telling them stuff about you, cant say what sort of things, but by what you have said by the people looking at you, Maybe they're checking you out trying to picture the things she has said, Maybe.

I cant say if shes having affair, from what you have said things had started to change as soon as the honeymoon period was over, so a bit quick.

Not liking the way shes treating you at all to be honest, what with her wincing when you kissed her on the CHEEK, this is the part that gets me thinking there is somebody else, as when my ex cheated he acted weird when i tried to touch him...

And the no sex.......... I feel for you.
 
#83 ·
Moonshadows post was masterful.

Disagree on her take on the EA PA part. The coworkers looking at you funny is really hitting my gut. Either she is doinking someone, trying to doink someone, or she said you beat her or something. ALL are bad.

I can identify with the parents thing. My parents want me to divorce and have as I found out recently for years not the months I thought. That one came as a shocker. Then when I told my dad I had to stay married because of career limbo so she will move with me if necessary he told me to get me "a NICE girlfriend." The emphasis was NOT on sex it was on nice meaning someone who treats you well. I explained I cant break my vows and cheat. He admired that in one way then told me I have a hard road. Tell me about it. Then again I read about thebadguy and well it COULD be worse.
 
#88 ·
Given the confirmation of two obvious traits of BPD I would say start looking for that direction. I would not worry about affairs at this point, likely what you see is attention seeking.

The curious looks from her coworkers could be due to the way she's painting you to them on office chit chat.

Read up on BPD and maybe other disorders like NPD and you will get a better feel if the symptoms and typical behaviors chime with what you're experiencing.
 
#92 · (Edited)
#95 ·
it sounds to me like your wife may have some serious self-esteem issues that go WAY back that she needs to deal with before she can be in a relationship. I agree with some other posters. I think your marriage is the least of her issues. Sorry you had to hear that. I know what it is like to love someone so involved in themselves.
Cut her loose and move on with your life. This sounds like a life nobody deserves.
 
#96 ·
OK - so were are basically just existing as a couple right now. It’s the same old, same old.

The thing is that I have a pretty full life outside of our relationship - but she seems to hate my hobbies and doesn’t like most of my friends. I am pretty happy with everything in my life, except my wife, and she is not happy in her personal life and our marriage.

Here’s the thing, when we do go out, she likes to talk crap about whoever was at the party or social gathering we just attended. So, on the car ride home she’ll will just complain about how the food wasn’t good, she was annoyed by a few of the people, etc. I’m just trying to help, but she just is doing the glass half empty thing.

We both have Facebook accounts but I don’t use mine very often. Last night I looked at her page and she had a few updates from the past couple of months. A lot of "woe is me" type stuff. "Only sunshine after the rain” was a post last month, and another was “Life…is this really it?”

So, obviously my wife is just miserable - maybe just too miserable to even cheat.

So I questioned her on those posts and she really didn’t say anything. She gave me a blank stare and kept watching TV.

Naturally, I got pissed off and I asked her why she wrote those things and her response was “why does this have to be so hard, I feel like our relationship is going nowhere.”

So, we are in a tough place. I am really close to ending it. I feel like I am no longer accountable for her happiness and that she needs to take charge of her own life.

Maybe she’s feels like she is getting a raw deal with me - but I can’t explain why she should feel this way. Like I stated earlier, we are well off, no debt, really nice house, no kids, two cats. I feel like I’ve done my part to make her life easy and good and she has done absolutely nothing for me personally.

Does she really feel like she can get a better deal? I feel like I’ve always measured up pretty well.

I don’t deserve this treatment.
 
#101 ·
Maybe she needs to find Jesus....

Seriously though, she just sounds like an unhappy person. Some people are just born unhappy, with a hole right through their middle, and nothing you can do or offer or give or share will fill that void.

I would say you need to D and move on. There is really nothing for you in this marriage other than circular codependency. You feed off her negativity and she feeds off your wanting to help her.

Doesn't work.
 
#102 ·
Well - she is religious (Catholic) - so that is part of the reason for her wanting to stay in our marriage.

So, just an observation. I caught a glimpse of her naked body getting out of the shower this morning and noticed her pubic area is not shaved. We have not had sex since early October. So, if I'm thinking if another guy is in picture, this area would have been cleaned up like it was when we were sexually active.

In our counseling meeting last night, we talked about "love languages" and how she likes praise and I, of course, like physical affection. I'm not talking sex per se, but just hugs, cuddling on the couch, back rubs/scratches. She goes on to say that she hates clinginess, PDA, because she never grew up with that type of affection. Her father never liked hugging her, praised her, etc. So she just expecting that all men are like her dad.

She then went on to say that I remind her way too much of her dad - driven, cold at times, good social standing with others. This might be why our relationship is strained, but on the flip side, she despised an ex-boyfriend for being too warm, cheesy, and try to show too much affection to her.

So, what exact route do I take? (other than packing up my belongings and moving into an apartment).
 
#104 ·
TroyN wife sounds my ex who was BPD.

The constant put downs and could never do anything right even getting swansons frozen peas was a problem.

Frigid, past sexual abuse. wincing at my advances.

constant blow ups and critisizing. never happy. constant lying and game playing. gaslighting and fogging.

went from adoring me to loathing me.
 
#106 ·
She could also just not respect him. My wife was a poster-child for BPD when we were having our problems. I went down the checklist of symptoms just saying to myself, "Yup... yup... that one too.... yup...."

Once I got my act together, she's done a 180 and is lovey-dovey.


Though, if you wife does have BPD... run. Just run.
 
#113 ·
So - I'm back.

So, Valentines Day went by a few days back and there was no sex or even a kiss. I had flowers delivered to her work earlier that day, and booked a nice dinner for us. By the time we get to bed, she says her back is sore, puts on her pajamas and goes to sleep. I remember staring at the back of her head in complete disgust and almost calling her out on the fact that we haven't been intimate since early October...but it wouldn't have mattered anyways.

We had a pretty bad fight tonight. I went to visit with an old college roommate earlier this evening who is visiting the area. She (my wife) wasn't feeling good (stomach ache is the usual excuse) and decided to not come out so I went alone. I was an hour late getting home and she ripped into me for leaving her all alone tonight on "our day off" (keep in mind I was home every night this week at 6:00pm, so she had my undivided attention all week).

She started on me by giving me silent treatment, and once I inquired why, she tore into me, which resulted in me leaving the house and going back to my office. Upon leaving, I told her that I'm done arguing and I'm not coming back until tomorrow.

I spoke to family tonight and for the first time I disclosed that my marriage is basically dead and has been since late 2011. They then disclosed that they do not like my wife and know that "she has A LOT of problems" but were afraid to tell me.

They want me to come this weekend and talk about things.
 
#117 ·
TroyN, I think you have two options.

One - Tell her that unless she get's into counseling, unless she completely changes her attitude toward you, unless she becomes sexually open to you again - and all of this immediately; that you will be divorcing her. Then do so, if she doesn't fully capitulate. At least you can say you gave her a final opportunity.

Two - Divorce her immediately.

I'd lean toward number two, but don't continue to waste your life on a broken woman.
 
#118 ·
I'd lean toward number two, but don't continue to waste your life on a broken woman.
I agree. She no longer deserves a "this is the final time after the last time before the time since that one." He's gotta stop being a white night and put his foot down IMO. Now, he'll have to explain what they talk about in counseling, but he said they have gone to counseling and nothing has changed. There is a point where you junk something, instead of continually throwing money at the problem.

Before someone takes that wrong, they have been in and out of marriage counseling. She has been in and out of individual counseling and neither type has fixed anything. At this point, if he tries again he is throwing more money at the problem.
 
#124 ·
So, we decided to meet for lunch today since I did not come home this morning, preferring to shower at our office and sleep on my office floor last night.

I told her that I want her to get out and get hobbies and contribute to this relationship in some way. She essentially works, complains about life, eats dinner, calls her mom, then lays on the couch every night. I told her that she relies on me for her happiness and that IS NOT fair to me because that is not in my skill set (nor is it anyone's for that matter).

I then told her that I'm fed up with the lack of intimacy and we are not having a child until that issue is resolved. I asked her why she doesn't feel like having sex and she doesn't know why, but she thinks it's her depression meds.

Finally, I told her that I loved her a lot but I'm done living in misery. Her attitude sucks and I'm fed up with it.

Throughout lunch, she told me that I'm insensitive and did a lot of "wow, really nice" in a sarcastic tone. She did a lot a "glaring" at me, and wrinkling up her nose. Typical "b!tch" reactions to being called out on the truth. She then criticized me for leaving last night and not staying and "working it out" with her when I got home.

So, unbeknownst to her, I've made a personal decision to leave her IF she doesn't get her act together by at least April.
 
#127 ·
Do not under any circumstances impregnate this woman. A child never solves marriage issues (I think you know that)

This woman just doesn't seem to give a damn. EVERYTHING is always your fault. You didn't stay to work things out, like if you did problems would be solved. She's in counseling, she's on meds. No improvement. I don't know, I'd cut bait at this point. Wish her a happy life.

Agree with above- don't wait til April.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#128 ·
Well, here's the thing. I don't want to have a child with her at all at this point. The constant berating gives me no confidence, among other things, that she wouldn't be a good mother. Impatient, moody, and probably or sex life would be non-existent again.

UGH. What the F*** is wrong with this woman!!!?
 
#129 ·
This is why you dont propose to a woman youve dated for 10 months...no offense but its easy to hide "crazy" in that small amount of time

Even if she was NOT cheating, she sounds like a loon who hid all her baggage/true self from you long enough to get you to marry her and afterwards unleashed the true "her"...do you want to spend the rest of your long life with a loon who betrayed you by misrepresenting herself to get you to marry her??

Id be GONE
 
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