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I think my wife MIGHT be having affair…

225K views 507 replies 130 participants last post by  eastsouth2000 
#1 ·
I think my wife MIGHT be having affair…she’s asleep right now and I’m looking for some thoughts...

So here’s my story and few things that have happened to me in my brief marriage.

Met my wife three years ago, instant mutual attraction, off the charts sex, and we were engaged 10 months later. She is 27, I’m 30. Wonderful wedding day, good honeymoon - but immediately afterwards things went sour and I’m not sure why. We are approaching the third year of marriage.

Some notes:

1. I worked a lot of long hours in our first year of marriage. Like 10-12 hour days. She did not like this, but I was a manager and we working against some tight deadlines.

2. After the honeymoon was over, it took us three months to have sex again. Then another two months afterwards to have sex again.

3. After our first year of marriage, she gained a ton of weight, at least 35 lbs. She has been seeing a counselor, and has been on Strattera, Lamictal, and Cymbalta. She was on another drug that I forget the name of. She has went through bouts of depression her entire life.

4. I am getting yelled at, ALL THE TIME. I will be sitting watching TV with her, and she will start picking a fight with me for no real reason. She picks on me for being too thin and it’s ruining myself esteem. I asked if she thought I was good looking and she did not answer.

5. I am often told that I do not make enough money. She works at a company where a lot of guys are making great money and she has to travel for her job, so she is around other men a lot. I make a decent living, but we are not rich.

6. We went on a trip for our second anniversary and she refused to sleep with me, and she gave me a dirty look when I tried to initiate sex. I would say that we maybe have had sex 10-15 times in our entire marriage (2 years, 9 months total)

7. She does not like to be hugged by me at all. I tried kissing her on the cheek the other morning prior to us leaving for work and she winced.

8. This past December, we went to her companies Holiday party together and her co-workers were acting kind of weird around me. They would stare at me for a long time and look confused, and look away. Maybe I’m being too paranoid.

9. She talks, at least once a week, about her female co-workers flirting with other guys in the office. Married men going out to lunch with married women.

10. We are in marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor once asked her if she thought would be OK if I had my needs met by another woman. She really didn’t have a response.

11. My wife seems to have no friends, except her mom. She seems to get home everyday at 5:15pm. So, if she is with someone, it’s on her lunch breaks ONLY. She doesn’t leave my sight during the weekends.

Obviously, my marriage is in shambles, I have been thinking about divorce since Christmas. But I love this woman so much…I just feel like something is up.

Thoughts?
 
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#130 ·
Let me say this in y'all's favor: depression medication or anything that alters your hormones can be a death sentence for intimacy. 15 months ago, my wife was on Yaz. She was on it for seven years. Well, for those seven years she wanted to have nothing to do with me. She was void of emotion. She was indifferent about EVERYTHING. Bra, it sounds JUST LIKE the medication is altering her. She's not the same. It took my wife about six months of not taking medication to start coming alive again. Now we're great. I really think if she came off the medicine, you'd notice a difference after a while. To battle depression, I've immersed myself in the gym. I've bounced from Insanity to Crossfit to the gym to P90x and now the gym again. It helps, especially when those endorphins are released. Now, I am no doctor, but it may very well be the medicine. I'd be willing to bet a lot of money on it.
 
#137 ·
I just want to say that I have not been a perfect individual in this relationship. Many times, out of frustration, I have fought back when she got out of line and started picking the fights. The big thing is that SHE CAN'T CONTROL me, which gets her angry and possibly depressed. It's like as soon as I stood my ground she became this completely different person. Is this a BPD trait?
Troy, you should download and read this:

http://iostopensando2.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/levenmeteenborderliner.pdf

"Stop walking on eggshells" describes almost all of the traits you've described in your wife.

FWIW, I know a guy, a really good guy (Army Ranger, honorable to the core) who DIDN'T divorce his BPD wife, he instead stuck around and tried to fix her and make her happy. 19 years later, he has two teenage daughters who are starting to take after their mother in personality and work ethic, she has had an affair on him and acts as crazy as ever. Everything, EVERYTHING wrong with their relationship, her life, her health, their finances, is his fault (she says). Everything. Well of course it isn't but that's what she says. He feels trapped because he doesn't want to leave the kids alone with her. She is just a miserable person and he doesn't know how to leave. It's horrible.

Please read the .pdf and take some time with it, let it soak in.

My opinion is that of many others here - let her go and get your life back. You can't fix her and you can't make her happy. She needs to fix herself.

Best,
FH
 
#143 ·
Well - I ended it last night.

I had enough.

She picked her last fight with me. She called me a loser and a something else...I don't remember...it's all a blur. Anyways I blew a gasket, told her I wanted a divorce, and I went to stay at friend's house. I'm still here now, we are watching hockey, and he told me to talk with him when I feel like it.

She is currently at our house and is crying. She is trying to talk with me via text and I'm not answering anything. Lot's of voicemails.

She is going to go home to her parent's house.

I'm just numb right now. I know I'm making the right move, but I'm in love with her. My parents have been informed my dad said the following:

"It's about time, son."

So they knew all the long....
 
#147 ·
Man, I hope so. This feels like someone died. I actually cried for the first time in many years. It was this incredible emotional release that had been pent up for three years.

I knew this wasn't going to end well - but I believed in this woman. My heart still beats a little quicker when I see her. That attraction is still there.

I even hugged her last night after our fight.

She keeps asking "what am I going to do! what am I going to do!"

I told her "the way you treat me, I can't do this anymore. You just treat me so bad. You don't even love me."
 
#148 ·
"What am I going to do"

Answer her.

Tell her this"

We are going to handle this divorce like adults. Fairly without any more nonsense.

You are not happy. I am no longer happy so I have decided it is time to cut our losses.

I will file for divorce and then we can sit down and figure how we are going to dissolve our relationship."

Have her try that on......
 
#152 ·
#155 · (Edited)
You can't change her, you can't control her.

You can only change how you act . You can only control you.

Learned through experience.
 
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#156 ·
You feel guilt because you care about the marriage.

She doesn't. As was said, she cares about how this affects her. Not ' you and her '. There is no 'you and her '.

It seems that from the first there was only ' her' and how you could help her.
 
#160 ·
I saw your post about still being in love. This was hard for me to learn, I am very thick headed. You are in love with what you thought she was and what you wanted your marriage to be. I have always been a big fan of R but......

Yes now that you made the choice even if she cannot act like and adult you can always be an adult. It will help you in the long run.
 
#167 ·
Same here.

Besides which money should not define your worth as a man. I've seen many men on high salaries who I would hesitate to call a man.
 
#170 ·
Thank you.

She made it back to her parents house tonight. I texted her and asked her to text me as soon as she arrived. I wanted to make sure she made it there safely.

I called her about a half hour ago, and she was still sobbing.

She said that every place she passed on the way home reminded her of me.

She also said she is "in hell". I just told her "I am sorry but i know you don't love me anymore and haven't for awhile now and that it's best that I disappear from your life."

She has told her mom and her mom keeps asking her "is he sure?"

My wife keeps asking why am I not even upset, and that I need to go home and see my family too, but for me, I am just too numb. The pain she inflicted has made virtually dead, sex starved, and sad. I don't feel any pain at all really at this moment, just in this weird suspended state.

I'm asking myself if this was right from the beginning. Her only duty was just to love me. A simple hug would have been fine. :confused:
 
#172 ·
And here's the problem. I know precisely how this is going to play out. As soon as I'm gone she'll miraculously get her act together and become the woman I want her to be and get with some other dude. I know this will happen. I'm not supposed to be this woman's teacher or mentor. She's a grown adult.

I will have served as a guy who merely kept the seat warm and this is not fair at all. Why can't she get her act together now?

I don't think I've ever loved and hated someone before. is this normal feel this way?
 
#183 ·
Just back from the bar and broke the news to a friend and his girlfriend.

I told her some of the things of that have happened. I didn't reveal too much, because it's still sort of raw, and not fair to my wife.

Last summer, she carefully observed my wife while at a wedding reception and she could tell something was wrong with her. She said that she seemed "disconnected". She didn't want to say too much, but admitted that she also found her really "moody" and "picky" about everything.

I was not born yesterday. They were hiding what they really felt about her, and I could the look of disgust that they were trying hide from me. I guess it's pretty universal in our social circle that she isn't well liked.

No calls from the wife at all today. I guess that says a lot, right?

She returns Sunday night...I'm not sure what I'm in for.

Thank you for all of the responses. I'll try to post an update next week if something happens.
 
#184 ·
If she's like my ex, she'll go dark on her friends and family, and when pushed she'll spin some BS story.

I had a few of her family members approach me because they were actually concerned for my mental health -- she had them convinced I was crazy.

Within 6 months it was clear who had their crap together and who didn't.

The truth comes out in time; my recommendation is to be open and honest without going into verbal diarrhoea with the gory details and make it clear to friends and family that they don't have to pick sides. That alone engendered a lot of support.
 
#185 ·
She returned last night.

I managed to ignore her until just before bed, when she corners me and in this b!tchy-tone asks me how I’ve felt since she’s been away and I tell her, “To be honest, it’s been far less stressful with you gone.”

She says “well, that about says it all.” She disappears and goes back into her room.

You know, if she would have came back and tried to be friendly with me (I was ready to be good to her and listen), I might have reconsidered reconciliation. But every interaction with her has been bad since our big blowout. She is just about the least tactful person I’ve ever met. I don’t even understand her approach. At least attempt to be enduring to give me a reason to reconsider!

I know she doesn’t love me, but wants to stay married because she doesn’t want the social stigma or to be seen as a failure. She’s such a phony.

We have contacted a real estate agent to put our house on the market. I have no plans of leaving our house until it sells.
 
#189 ·
I think like many on here Troy, including myself, you have forgotten what it's like to be in love and to be loved.

In fact I know you have.

This strange vortex we get caught up in as a result of rejection and/or betrayal is actually as far from love as we can get.

Have a look at a couple you know who love each other, are happy and content together, are faithful to each other, care and look out for each other, have fun together.

That's love.

Then look at what you have had.

Make it a clean break.

No texting to see how she is, checking if she's OK and so on.

It's tough to do.

If after you split you still look out for her, go down memory lane about how wonderful it was and hold on to a faint little hope that you will somehow work it out, then you might as well just stay.

My son is going through what you are now - with his girlfriend of 12 months. It wasn't as bad but it was heading that way. I told him 2 weeks ago to call/text me when he feels like phoning her. He has been doing that. Enlist a friend or your Mum and do the same. Resist the urge because it will take ALL your strength.

I told him that because the hold such people have on us is very powerful - intense even - because we have forgotten how the real world operates - the loving world that is.

Sure you can think she will now meet a guy and turn into an amazing woman. Yeah right. Even if she does I can tell you it will have a similar trajectory. If you spend time thinking like that you might as well stay with her too.

Also be mindful that she will likely beg you to stay and be ready for that too.

Get out of the vortex Troy. Now!

Think of it like this - what is your alternative.
 
#190 ·
OK Guys - some updates.

We are still living under the same roof. Not saying much to each other. I'm sleeping in the guest room. We have pets and we take turns babysitting them on the weekend. She'll go out with a friend, or go home to her parents. I'll do basically the same thing.

We are still Facebook friends.

Things have been pretty quiet. I'm talking to my friend who is a lawyer and he's guiding me through paperwork, educating me, etc. He's drafting up some paperwork for me to serve her the papers. She has also consulted a lawyer.

At this point. We have agreed to split everything in half. Half of our checking, joint savings, she'll take one car, I'll take the other. Our house is on the market and we are getting some good interest and a few offers. I've started to look for apartments.

Two things out of curiousity have happened.

1. I was eating dinner one night at our kitchen table. I was feeling pretty bad about everything. She noticed my expression and said "What is going on? Why do you look that way." I said "This is really really hard." She got angry and half-scolded me "If you want to stay in this you need to let me know". I looked at her and thought to myself "You know, if you would have phrased it differently with some compassion, I would reconsider just a little bit."

So, obviously, she doesn't want it to end. But treats me poorly.

2. Her weight loss has started. Her clothes are starting to hang on her. We had to meet with a real estate agent and my wife would not even look me in the eye at the meeting. Seemed very avoidant. That night I creeped her Facebook page and didn't see anything suspicious. She is not going out on the weekdays...but I'm noticing something is off. Like she is firmly detaching from me and treats me like stranger. It is like a switch has gone off.

I'll keep ya'll posted.
 
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