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I think my wife MIGHT be having affair…

225K views 507 replies 130 participants last post by  eastsouth2000 
#1 ·
I think my wife MIGHT be having affair…she’s asleep right now and I’m looking for some thoughts...

So here’s my story and few things that have happened to me in my brief marriage.

Met my wife three years ago, instant mutual attraction, off the charts sex, and we were engaged 10 months later. She is 27, I’m 30. Wonderful wedding day, good honeymoon - but immediately afterwards things went sour and I’m not sure why. We are approaching the third year of marriage.

Some notes:

1. I worked a lot of long hours in our first year of marriage. Like 10-12 hour days. She did not like this, but I was a manager and we working against some tight deadlines.

2. After the honeymoon was over, it took us three months to have sex again. Then another two months afterwards to have sex again.

3. After our first year of marriage, she gained a ton of weight, at least 35 lbs. She has been seeing a counselor, and has been on Strattera, Lamictal, and Cymbalta. She was on another drug that I forget the name of. She has went through bouts of depression her entire life.

4. I am getting yelled at, ALL THE TIME. I will be sitting watching TV with her, and she will start picking a fight with me for no real reason. She picks on me for being too thin and it’s ruining myself esteem. I asked if she thought I was good looking and she did not answer.

5. I am often told that I do not make enough money. She works at a company where a lot of guys are making great money and she has to travel for her job, so she is around other men a lot. I make a decent living, but we are not rich.

6. We went on a trip for our second anniversary and she refused to sleep with me, and she gave me a dirty look when I tried to initiate sex. I would say that we maybe have had sex 10-15 times in our entire marriage (2 years, 9 months total)

7. She does not like to be hugged by me at all. I tried kissing her on the cheek the other morning prior to us leaving for work and she winced.

8. This past December, we went to her companies Holiday party together and her co-workers were acting kind of weird around me. They would stare at me for a long time and look confused, and look away. Maybe I’m being too paranoid.

9. She talks, at least once a week, about her female co-workers flirting with other guys in the office. Married men going out to lunch with married women.

10. We are in marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor once asked her if she thought would be OK if I had my needs met by another woman. She really didn’t have a response.

11. My wife seems to have no friends, except her mom. She seems to get home everyday at 5:15pm. So, if she is with someone, it’s on her lunch breaks ONLY. She doesn’t leave my sight during the weekends.

Obviously, my marriage is in shambles, I have been thinking about divorce since Christmas. But I love this woman so much…I just feel like something is up.

Thoughts?
 
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#295 ·
I wish I could buy Troy a beer and give him a hug.

A manly hug. A "bro-hug", if you will.

(Oddly enough, I recall saying something similar in one of WhiteRaven's threads a few months back...)
 
#298 ·
If you want bro, Give me a timeline of everything like when the weight loss started and other red flags...

I am SCARY good at the logistical timing thing. I see patterns others don't and have had access to dozens of affairs inside info.

Again only if you want, but if it will ease your mind. I will help.

Btw did you ask this coworker when they noticed it?
 
#299 ·
You can see earlier in my thread that she started losing tons of weight just prior to me moving out. So she was lining this guy up probably weeks after I asked to separate.

It is eerily similar to how our relationship started. She was overweight when we met, drastic weightloss to seduce me.

I am so depressed. I loved this woman so much and she just kicked the crap out of me.

What's worse is that the guy she's dating is overweight and not good looking at all. I'm sorry, but he's ugly. I am being judgmental but I'm hurt because she was ridiculously hard on me about everything and had such high standards. This is so f**cked.
 
#302 ·
What's worse is that the guy she's dating is overweight and not good looking at all. I'm sorry, but he's ugly. I am being judgmental but I'm hurt because she was ridiculously hard on me about everything and had such high standards. This is so f**cked.
True...but you have to look at things like: "He must have something...or she wouldn't have blown up our marriage"

If he was tall, physically fit, chiseled-looks, good salary, driving a BMW and did parachuting at 10,000ft for fun...would you feel any worse...or would it be 'fair game'?
 
#300 ·
You're just going to have to accept that she's broken, man. All of this sh*t is in her f*cked up nature.

I know it's hard right now, but at some point you'll realize how lucky you were to get out of your marriage with as little baggage as possible.
 
#304 ·
Troy, she's probably just angling for someone around/with whom she'd feel more comfortable letting herself go. Think about it -- she was always putting you down for being "too skinny". Right now she's losing weight herself because she's learned that that's what she has to do in order to attract a mate. Once she's fooled this poor sap into meeting her at the alter, she'll start packing the pounds back on, and it'll be the same BS all over again. However, Fugly McFatty is probably much less likely to tell her to hit the bricks. That's how she sees things anyway, even if only subconsciously.

Make sense?
 
#305 ·
She's not having an affair, you're divorced.

I just read all 20 pages of this thread and I still haven't heard why Troy is so in love with this woman.

Yes, she needs help but probably won't get it but.......

Troy, you need some serious individual counseling to be so "in love" with this woman even after 3 years of what sounds like complete hell.

You're not listening to anyone here about being grateful to be out of this situation and free with no kids.

I fear you may end up with someone just like her if you don't get to the bottom of your own want of this kind of woman.

Please consider individual counseling for yourself.
 
#310 ·
I agree with a lot of what you are saying. I do. But I made a vow to love my wife, and I tried everything. I put in a lot of emotional effort and I married her with the intentions of starting a family. I just don't understand the behavior. It's obvious she doesn't love me and probably never did.

I am not ready to date anyone at this time. I'm a little too shaken to contribute to a new relationship.

As to why I loved her. She was beautiful, and very sweet and nice in the beginning. Very eager to spend all of her time with me and even though I was good about giving us a good amount of space between dates (I sort of pushed her away and tried to not move so fast), I think I felt confident we could make it.

I was wrong. It was a Jekyll/Hyde scenario. She had an agenda, and still does. This has nothing to do with me, it always about her. My love was real, her's never was apparently, because if she really did, she would have never behaved this way and wouldn't have jumped into a relationship this quickly.
 
#306 ·
IF you want help in figuring timing. If not just say no thanks. I am harder than hell to offend but you seemed to want to figure
out the timing.

3. After our first year of marriage, she gained a ton of weight, at least 35 lbs. She has been seeing a counselor, and has been on Strattera, Lamictal, and Cymbalta. She was on another drug that I forget the name of. She has went through bouts of depression her entire life.

When did this reverse? (Mo/year)

4. I am getting yelled at, ALL THE TIME. I will be sitting watching TV with her, and she will start picking a fight with me for no real reason. She picks on me for being too thin and it’s ruining myself esteem. I asked if she thought I was good looking and she did not answer.

When did that start? (Mo/Year)

5. I am often told that I do not make enough money. She works at a company where a lot of guys are making great money and she has to travel for her job, so she is around other men a lot. I make a decent living, but we are not rich.

Does Jabba the Hut (OM) make more than you and by what factor?

7. She does not like to be hugged by me at all. I tried kissing her on the cheek the other morning prior to us leaving for work and she winced.

approx when did this start and when did it become hardcore?

8. This past December, we went to her companies Holiday party together and her co-workers were acting kind of weird around me. They would stare at me for a long time and look confused, and look away. Maybe I’m being too paranoid.

This is huge

9. She talks, at least once a week, about her female co-workers flirting with other guys in the office. Married men going out to lunch with married women.

Did she stop reporting this at any point?

11. My wife seems to have no friends, except her mom. She seems to get home everyday at 5:15pm. So, if she is with someone, it’s on her lunch breaks ONLY. She doesn’t leave my sight during the weekends.

Did this change from post 1 to now besides OM?
 
#313 · (Edited)
Okay now I will start pulling this mess apart for you. I can only go by statistics but I rock at them.

A) Get some LOW level meds for anxiety. Tell your doc you just found out your stbx was having an affair while married and it is affecting you. Low level meds wont kill the pain but will have the effect of dulling it. IE you may wake up but instead of 2AM and lying awake it will be 5AM.
B) This marriage appears doomed from the start.

>3. After our first year of marriage, she gained a ton of weight, at least 35 lbs. She has been seeing a counselor, and has been on Strattera, Lamictal, and Cymbalta. She was on another drug that I forget the name of. She has went through bouts of depression her entire life.

When did this reverse? (Mo/year)

She started losing weight like a month before I moved out.<

I think this was not her trying to attract but rather to keep him. This is a bit atypical but fits the rest of my timeline.

4. I am getting yelled at, ALL THE TIME. I will be sitting watching TV with her, and she will start picking a fight with me for no real reason. She picks on me for being too thin and it’s ruining myself esteem. I asked if she thought I was good looking and she did not answer.

When did that start? (Mo/Year)

Last December (2013) we were ready to go to a party, I was dressed really well, and I asked her that. But, as far as the yelling, pretty much after we got married two plus years ago. We got married in the summer and that summer she would give me crap almost everyday after work.

They were AT LEAST at the inappropriate and they know it stage. This enhances it and see below.

5. I am often told that I do not make enough money. She works at a company where a lot of guys are making great money and she has to travel for her job, so she is around other men a lot. I make a decent living, but we are not rich.

Does Jabba the Hut (OM) make more than you and by what factor?

I imagine he does. I have resisted the urge to google him. The people at her company are well paid. The funny thing is that I did work with the guy briefly many years ago because we all worked at the same company but didn't know who he was. The OM would walk by my desk on the way to the bathroom, but I never met him.

My ex-wife chased me around the office until we finally started dating, so the OM is the second guy from this company that she has dated.

Pattern

7. She does not like to be hugged by me at all. I tried kissing her on the cheek the other morning prior to us leaving for work and she winced.

approx when did this start and when did it become hardcore?

Last summer, 2013. But sex pretty much died after marriage.

8. This past December, we went to her companies Holiday party together and her co-workers were acting kind of weird around me. They would stare at me for a long time and look confused, and look away. Maybe I’m being too paranoid.

This is huge

At least the inappropriate and known stage. Likely physical by this time. I get the impression of a fast flare up likely around Thanksgiving.

CAN YOU REMEMBER ANY INCIDENTS FROM LABOR DAY THRU SAY DEC 15?


9. She talks, at least once a week, about her female co-workers flirting with other guys in the office. Married men going out to lunch with married women.

Did she stop reporting this at any point?

Earlier this year, but I remember these conversations started last summer.

She was at the innocent but talking stage in 2013 summer and likely sexting or dirty email/ calls at least by Thanksgiving. By spring 2014 it was serious enough she finally shut up because she was guilty.

11. My wife seems to have no friends, except her mom. She seems to get home everyday at 5:15pm. So, if she is with someone, it’s on her lunch breaks ONLY. She doesn’t leave my sight during the weekends.

Did this change from post 1 to now besides OM?
This never stopped. She would still come home every day at 5:15pm when we separated. My guess is that as soon as it came out that she was single/separated, they hooked up - or - this was going on for a long time and I didn't know. Whatever. That company was ripe with a lot of affairs and inter-office dating when I worked there. I hated that place, hated my boss, that's why I left.

Dont be surprised. Long lunches. Unreported days off etc. Been there seen that.

I think she felt she "had" me until I moved out, noticed I wasn't budging on the my decision to divorce, and quickly started the weightloss to pull this guy in. I remember her crying when I moved out, but she needs to SURVIVE and the only way she can do this is dropping her panties to her co-workers (including me).

Disagree just a bit. I read the weight loss as her holding him not the initially attracting him.

Here is a bombshell for you. Do NOT be surprised if something happened right around your honeymoon. Perhaps at the bachelorette party. Do NOT be surprised if you learn Jabba is OM #2.

Ive seen ~4 threads with the same pre-post honeymoon disconnect and like three of them were affairs and IIRC two of them were 'accidental' ONS. This explains not only the drop in sex, but also the drop in attitude.
 
#317 ·
Sorry. Troy. I don't pull punches. You seem to want closure and to figure it out. You are not my first thread. Hell you aint my hundredth. I have inside timing info never published.

I bet if you think you will find an incident in the timeframe I mentioned.

GET THOSE MEDS! It wont kill the pain. It WILL make it bearable.
 
#318 ·
Why was she crying. She 'loved' you still in some ways. Her sex was aimed at someone else.

I know of DOZENS of wives who loved the OM and cried as their husbands left or at the final divorce hearing. Part of her died and a chapter of her life was closed and she knew it. It does NOT mean you were wrong.
 
#326 ·
You have to take a minute and SERIOUSLY think to yourself, "what was I getting out of her?" Seriously......what?!?! Here's what I think the issue is, and frankly, I think it's an inherent problem with a LOT of relationships, and especially marriages: somehow, you were getting "validation of yourself" from her, or from being married, or being attached, whatever. And that's wrong. And it's dangerous.

The bottom line is, you are letting this wreck your self-esteem. D NOT mistake that for, something is now missing from your life BECAUSE she is gone. Your wife is 99% likely BPD, which is serious, and 100% treated you like dog s**t. It happens, bro, trust me, I know: my sister is also highly likely to be BPD, and has a WAKE of ex-boyfriends (and, finally, after a desperate attempt to find happiness, an ex-husband and four ex-stepkids!) behind her. But even if it wasn't BPD...hey, it didn't work. Relationships, and moreso marriages, are freakin' hard, if not impossible at times. You are FREE AND CLEAR, with all of your income still belonging to you, and no little people to take care of. Embrace the possibilities, my man, you have a long life ahead of you!
 
#329 ·
Just threw out a bunch of our wedding photos tonight. And...started crying again. I thought about her all day today and I'm getting these terrible mind movies about the two of them together. I was doing OK until I found everything out, I really was. I would have been fine if a year from now I found out she was with someone but the wounds are still way too fresh.

I've never felt so betrayed. I just don't understand it. I wonder how her co-workers view her. It's embarrassing.

I'm trying to do all the right things in order to move on.
 
#331 ·
Troy PM 3putt he's on the east coast so he may reply on Wed.
Dude it hurts but when he tells you his story...I think it would help others if he put it here again but I don't want to trigger him.
His is much worse than yours.
Like some say in AA you are not alone and you are not special.:)
PM 3putt!!!
Tell him I sent you I'll take the blame.;)
 
#333 ·
Troy - you have to listen closely. You are turning the way she treated you, the way she acted in your marriage and now the subsequent positives you THINK she's experiencing without you, without the marriage, into: "I was not good enough, this other guy IS," and you are romanticizing her as someone desirable and worth being with.

I am not going to take personal digs at your wife, because BPD is some crazy ****, but suffice it to say: she is not mentally healthy, she is not equipped to be in a relationship with someone, let alone a long-term one. Even IF this other relationship lasts, it's going to be because he's bringing some other dysfunction to the table and the two of them are going to make symbiotic crazy work.

The point is: do not make this about YOU. Honestly, don't even make it about her. The two of you - regardless of reason - simply do not, will not, work. There's twenty million other people in the world you couldn't manage to have a marriage with, now there's twenty million and one. Good news! There's like, ya know, BILLIONS of people in the world, so your options are still plenty!
 
#340 ·
So I got a text from her yesterday...we have to meet to take care of some stuff from the sale of our house/financial crap. I haven't responded yet. I'm dreading this - but I want to rip her to shreds and tell her what a POS she is.

I thinking I might be able to get away with not seeing her and trying to handle the financial stuff over the phone.

Doing a little bit better this week. I've booked a vacation to Nova Scotia the first week of October. I just told my boss I have to get out for awhile for personal reasons, as he's aware of my divorce. The price was not cheap, but I don't care.

I was in tough shape last week. I just don't understand it sometimes. I hate her so much, then love her so much.
 
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