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I think my wife MIGHT be having affair…

225K views 507 replies 130 participants last post by  eastsouth2000 
#1 ·
I think my wife MIGHT be having affair…she’s asleep right now and I’m looking for some thoughts...

So here’s my story and few things that have happened to me in my brief marriage.

Met my wife three years ago, instant mutual attraction, off the charts sex, and we were engaged 10 months later. She is 27, I’m 30. Wonderful wedding day, good honeymoon - but immediately afterwards things went sour and I’m not sure why. We are approaching the third year of marriage.

Some notes:

1. I worked a lot of long hours in our first year of marriage. Like 10-12 hour days. She did not like this, but I was a manager and we working against some tight deadlines.

2. After the honeymoon was over, it took us three months to have sex again. Then another two months afterwards to have sex again.

3. After our first year of marriage, she gained a ton of weight, at least 35 lbs. She has been seeing a counselor, and has been on Strattera, Lamictal, and Cymbalta. She was on another drug that I forget the name of. She has went through bouts of depression her entire life.

4. I am getting yelled at, ALL THE TIME. I will be sitting watching TV with her, and she will start picking a fight with me for no real reason. She picks on me for being too thin and it’s ruining myself esteem. I asked if she thought I was good looking and she did not answer.

5. I am often told that I do not make enough money. She works at a company where a lot of guys are making great money and she has to travel for her job, so she is around other men a lot. I make a decent living, but we are not rich.

6. We went on a trip for our second anniversary and she refused to sleep with me, and she gave me a dirty look when I tried to initiate sex. I would say that we maybe have had sex 10-15 times in our entire marriage (2 years, 9 months total)

7. She does not like to be hugged by me at all. I tried kissing her on the cheek the other morning prior to us leaving for work and she winced.

8. This past December, we went to her companies Holiday party together and her co-workers were acting kind of weird around me. They would stare at me for a long time and look confused, and look away. Maybe I’m being too paranoid.

9. She talks, at least once a week, about her female co-workers flirting with other guys in the office. Married men going out to lunch with married women.

10. We are in marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor once asked her if she thought would be OK if I had my needs met by another woman. She really didn’t have a response.

11. My wife seems to have no friends, except her mom. She seems to get home everyday at 5:15pm. So, if she is with someone, it’s on her lunch breaks ONLY. She doesn’t leave my sight during the weekends.

Obviously, my marriage is in shambles, I have been thinking about divorce since Christmas. But I love this woman so much…I just feel like something is up.

Thoughts?
 
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#343 ·
We get married, we move along in blissful ignorance, taking our spouses for granted more and more the longer we're married. We blissfully believe this is it, this is 'our' marriage. Until the whole thing is upset by our spouse cheating or leaving - without our permission. Wait a minute, you can't do that! This is MY life you're messing with! I'm gonna get you back (even if I really didn't even care that much in the first place). I've seen many men cheated on who were even planning on leaving, but when the wife cheated, it was suddenly oh no, I lurve her! I can't lose her! But it often has less to do with real love as much as losing control over your situation. It's hard to separate all the thoughts and feelings in your brain, hard to tell if what you're feeling really IS love, or just panic, or hating to lose control over your own destiny, or even simply not wanting to lose. Fight or flight and all that. Which is why we usually advise not to make decisions swiftly. Give your brain time to breathe, time to think, so you can separate rash feelings from real feelings. So you'll know what you really want to do.
 
#350 ·
I'm back from my trip and beginning to feel better each passing day.

I got a little more intel on what has happened from various sources, mainly how thoroughly emeshed they are already. I guess one of our old mutual friends saw them together somewhere and she had no idea they were together. She knows both my ex-wife and her boyfriend as she works with both of them. It's sort of confusing story, but essentially my ex-wife wouldn't even say hello to my friend.

Tried not to think about what has happened and I'm working on trying to get a new job and move out of the town I live in. I don't want to be around her and her new boyfriend or bump into them. I'm wanting to wipe the slate clean and start over with my life.

The hurt is still pretty bad, though. I just don't understand how someone can move on that fast.

Unfortunately, I need to see her in two weeks. We have some real estate paper work that needs to be taken care of.
 
#352 ·
I'm back from my trip and beginning to feel better each passing day.

I got a little more intel on what has happened from various sources, mainly how thoroughly emeshed they are already. I guess one of our old mutual friends saw them together somewhere and she had no idea they were together. She knows both my ex-wife and her boyfriend as she works with both of them. It's sort of confusing story, but essentially my ex-wife wouldn't even say hello to my friend.

Tried not to think about what has happened and I'm working on trying to get a new job and move out of the town I live in. I don't want to be around her and her new boyfriend or bump into them. I'm wanting to wipe the slate clean and start over with my life.

The hurt is still pretty bad, though. I just don't understand how someone can move on that fast.
Unfortunately, I need to see her in two weeks. We have some real estate paper work that needs to be taken care of.
Because, she wasn't that attached in the first place.
 
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#351 ·
TroyN

Glad you are back from your trip and that each day you are getting over your Ex.

And everytime you feel hurt or sad that you go back to your very first post and reread it.

It will serve as a reminder why you are better off without "her" in your life.

In fact print out that very first post, tape to your mirror or refrigerator door until you only think about your brighter, happier future.

HM
 
#355 · (Edited)
Troy,

Her boyfriend may well show up on TAM or some other forum and describe how he watched a colleague of his balloon up in weight and then become attractive again after she separated from her loser husband. Once he realized she was interested they became inseparable, having exhausting sex. But then after getting married, she started trying to change him, undermining his sense of self.

Of course, she won the power struggle. And the sex ended after the honeymoon. Her explanation is that the H1 (you) traumatized her and he is not empathetic enough about the suffering she experienced in her first marriage.

He feels that he is guilty for what you did but he is not you and wonders if he is losing his sanity.

Stay in your town and within 5 years, you'll run into him and you'll see a tortured look in his eyes.

Too bad Mavash isn't here, she'd have explained everything with stunning accuracy. Don't run away unless you really need to leave the area for objective reasons.

She'll probably save momentos of her first marriage that will drive him wild. The wedding pictures, the ring, whatever.

Man count your blessings that you did not have child with her. Your selfish gene instinct is top notch.
 
#362 ·
I truly don't know. My belief is that as soon as I pulled the plug, she began looking for a new husband right away. Or she always had a thing for him and couldn't do much about it because she was married.

Many pages back, after I called it off, she ran away for a week and went to her parent's house. She was crying from their house and was passively pleading. She kept asking "are you sure?" and told me "my life is over"

But that was the extent of her trying to get me back. She never came to me directly and said "I love you and I want us to be together."

We lived together for a couple months after this and she would just stew in our bedroom and watch TV in the living and not do anything. She didn't even care.

I did some research on the guy and he has been with that company for almost 10 years. So they've been around each other on a pretty consistent basis for a long time. He makes pretty decent money, so I believe that was the appeal, because he is pretty ugly.

Based on her timing and weight loss, he for sure was in the picture before it was finalized. I had moved out and pretty much he was right in. She prettied herself up to get this guy.
 
#366 ·
From a guy that's been there...

One day you will wake up and just not care what the reason was that made her do the things she did.

And one day, perhaps long after that day, it will come to you why.

In my first marriage, my wife acted very similarly. I was devastated. It took six months of questioning that was literally driving me insane. Six months of hell. Six months of being stuck.

And then one day, I just didn't care.

For me, that day coincided with me starting to date someone I was really into. You might be different, I dunno.

And now as I look back I know exactly why she cheated. I know the things I did that enabled it, I know the mistakes I made. And I know that she's a deeply flawed and "surface" person who just doesn't form deep relationships with others.

Some people are just like this. They're like a bucket with a hole in the bottom. You can keep shoving stuff in the top, but it just keeps draining away. So they're always empty inside. And I know she's still there, still single, still wondering why she's empty.

Objectivity man. You're not there yet.

But you will be.
 
#367 · (Edited)
Was thinking about this the other day, and my own experience with a perpetually unhappy woman. Tried to save that relationship. Tried harder than I should have. What a nightmare my life was. Not as bad as OP's, but pretty close. Only reason I stayed as long as I did was our child. I was stuck to some degree. Would have bailed much earlier had it not been for that.

Anyway, bad enough it turned me off of dating for a lot of years, and I remained single with no interest in a relationship with a woman. For a long time.

Were I to have "saved" that relationship, I'd have never met my present W. Sitting there the other night looking at her, and thinking just how damned lucky I am, and how PEACEFUL and ENJOYABLE my life is now, and how comfortable and good we are together. No drama. No arguments. Virtually never a disagreement, and when there is it is discussed. No need to "win" an argument. No name calling, ever, not once. No resentment. She loves sex with me. No craziness. Just a couple people enjoying being together. Just day in and day out contentment and happiness. So completely polar opposite of my first W. Our "bad days" are such an anomaly with us, it's hard to remember the last time we got truly bent out of shape at each other.

Someday, you will get to this same place, and look back on your present situation and wonder what the hell was wrong with you that you tried to save this. Trust me. Next time, just be sure to date long enough that you have an opportunity to see the bad / hidden traits before you marry. Anyone can "stand on their head" and put on a good front for a year or two. Give it a few years at least, and you'll have a much better idea what you'll be dealing with in marriage.
 
#368 · (Edited)
Troy...

It's time to MOVE ON!!!!

No kids, no long marriage, she is damaged, LET IT GO!!!!

In time you will find someone who exceeds your wildest expectations... :)

Keep reading books and continue (or start) therapy for yourself. NEVER sell yourself short again.

You have a lot to offer a partner. Sadly, your wife is warped and could not recognize this...
 
#369 ·
Well, I need to see her next week. She emailed me today to confirm our meet up at the bank to split a check that needs my signature. So, this is probably the last time I'll ever see her in person. I want to rip her apart but that's allowing her to win.

Applied for a few new jobs this week which are in a town about 3 hours away and one of them has actually called me already. So, I'll be literally "moving on" if this works out.

Also, my co-worker friend is trying to set me up with his girlfriend's friend. She is decent looking - not my type - but I'm thinking about giving it a shot. She saw my FB profile and some of my pics from Nova Scotia and thought I was "really hot" so that's nice to hear.

However, I still feel pretty broken and empty. I think I need some counseling to be honest as to why I still care about this person. I hate this feeling.

Thanks for support, TAM people.
 
#371 ·
Just read this whole thread. Holy sh**.

Counseling will help to an extent but the OP needs to make some changes on his own.

First off, what were you thinking dating a girl for only a year and then proposing to her? This is on you man. You thought you might have known her, but you can hide the crazy in that short amount of time. You date someone for at least 2-3 years before making this type of commitment. If they balk at this then they are clearly only in the relationship for self-serving reasons and don't care about you. In fact, they should respect your decisions.

Secondly, if my wife were shut off intimacy that quickly after marriage I would have gotten an annulment. You should have bolted after four months dude!

Lastly - your ex-wife is complete cluster-B whack job. She never loved you. This is why she is able to bang her co-worker that quickly after you to were over.

You were nothing but an acquisition to her. Your "ugly" replacement is in for a similar ride because she does not love him either. This is how cluster-B's work. People are just objects to her, and all of their relationships are failures.

She was near thirty, her clock was ticking, and she put on a full court press to drag you to the altar and she'll do the same to this guy.

I'm not sure why you are envious of this guy because he's going to end up in the same place you are in about 5 years. Only I'm willing to bet he won't be as lucky because he'll probably be stuck with her after being foolish enough to get her pregnant. But I guess he deserves it, afterall, because this is what you get when sleeping with a separated woman. His fat bank account won't be so fat anymore after alimony, support, etc.

Move on, dude!!!! Do better the next time around. When she gets word via social media or some other source that you are banging someone hotter it will ruin her. Cluster B's have huge egos, and can't stand it when you make an upgrade!

God bless!
 
#373 ·
Lastly - your ex-wife is complete cluster-B whack job. She never loved you. This is why she is able to bang her co-worker that quickly after you to were over.

You were nothing but an acquisition to her. Your "ugly" replacement is in for a similar ride because she does not love him either. This is how cluster-B's work. People are just objects to her, and all of their relationships are failures.
:iagree::iagree:
 
#372 ·
Oh and I gotta add that when you see her in a week, do not try to interact with her in any way. Act upbeat and confident. Ignore her and when she asks you any questions by dismissive and short with her. Try to get out of that meeting as fast as possible.

If you waver or get soft and try to have some sort of meaningful conversation with her, she will be a huge b*tch to you and try to hurt you. This is what BPD women do. They find weak points and try to exploit them. I could go into long details about why they do this but the jist of it is that they hate themselves and want you to suffer like they do on the weekly basis.
 
#374 ·
So I did something last night which I shouldn't have done, but a lot of people do. I went and dug through the guy's Facebook page and clicked on a few profiles of my ex-wife's and his mutual friends and family. I was in a lousy mood - angry about life, etc.

It sickens me how thoroughly integrated they already are. Even some of photos are comments from her co-workers like "you guys look so happy!!" I feel like the biggest fool, it's like that entire company was in on relationship and I didn't even have a clue. It makes me wonder what kind of smear campaign she was on. Like I was somehow responsible for all of her depression and self-loathing.

But what really got to me the most was a particular photo of the guy. He bares strong resemblance to an ex-boyfriend of hers from college that she desperately wanted a relationship with but he wouldn't give in to her. Her ex boyfriend and this new guy are both overweight, short, stocky, with military style haircuts and light brown/blonde hair. Neither were good looking.

I'm the exact opposite of both of these guys! lean, 6-2, dark brown hair, narrower face, medium length hair.

It solidifies that I never really was her type, that this is what she wanted. I wonder why she even came after me in the first place. FML!
 
#380 ·
Okay Troy
Time to listen up.
I’m going to tell you something that you aren’t going to like but you NEED to understand.

The people in a BPD’s life aren’t really “people” as much as they are “objects that represent something”.
You were her “I’m normal” object. The crown jewel of her collection. “Look! I have a marriage and a husband and I’m doing it all by the numbers! I’m normal!!!”

The problem comes when she realizes that she hates having to prove she is normal because of her inherent deficiency which is self-generating. BPD people are ALL about how other people view them because they have no concrete view of themselves. Their view of themselves has EVERYTHING to do with what people say about them. They are sensitive to words and that’s why they can tear you up so expertly with them.
The object space you occupied both gave her joy because it showed she was lovable…and caused her pain because she knew she needed it to be normal.
That’s why you got so much abuse….especially in private.

She lost the crown jewel and her “normal” status.
The need for her to replace your object was made even more pathological in that not only did she need a normal symbol, but now her collection also included a divorce object…a symbol of commonality in her mind.

She HAD to replace you as fast as she could.
It had nothing to do with “you” but rather what you represented to everybody else.
She didn’t need another Hamilton G1186-HyperX Deluxe Mixer….all she needed was a mixer.

Don’t worry though. Every new mixer she gets will have to work 20% harder to compete with all the previous entrants…and she WILL let them know about them.
Feel sorry for the men she will chew through in the next few years. Each new relationship she gets into will be progressively more painful and destructive to both him and her.
It will continue until she either implodes or wakes up.

She SEDUCED you…big time.
She sold you the idealized package of what you thought you wanted in the beginning.
That’s why you are having a tough time shaking this.
That’s VERY normal for BPD survivors.

I wish I could convey to you the amount of pain and misery you have just sidestepped.
In simple terms you had a few burgers worth of BPD meat.
Some men are fed the whole cow.

Now, go do some physical stuff, improve yourself and try to get it through your head that you were deliberately played into the position of “wonderful husband/Normal object” by a virtual expert on manipulation.
You may be mad, sad, relived or even grief stricken.
It’s ALL normal.
 
#377 ·
I know, I'm becoming her. I hate this. I was in a good place after we split. Really, I was. I felt relief. I was actually a pretty mentally healthy guy during our marriage but she was beating me down so much but I would bounce back. I never had depression, I never took meds, I never hated myself. It's like I absorbed this woman's pain.
 
#376 ·
Troy

There comes a time when you say to yourself "It is time to move on".

And then you make a conscious effort to do so.

SO start today. Throw the damn computer right out the window. Or restrict facebook.

Then get out and meet new people. Or go to group therapy.

The key to moving on is putting yourself out there. New people, new hobbies and new goals.

Stop getting angry over a person that was clearly not good for you and unhappy with herself.

You deserve better so go find it Troy.

No time like now my friend.

HM
 
#379 ·
I think what he means is that he is adopting some of her "obsessive traits". When BPD women get into a relationship, they build their partner up to be such an awesome person and brag to everyone about how awesome they are. They compliment, love, and care intensely about the partner but it's all really a mirage and not real. It's just used to control that person and get them to do things for him.

So the OP is used to placating and walking on eggshells and doing everything that she wanted and he's totally involved in "fixing" her and being a white knight. Then, they tear that person down.

The OP is still in love with her. I can totally related but Dude, give yourself a break, you've only been divorced for maybe a few months and these things take awhile to get over.

Like I said earlier, she will do all the same stuff to this guy that she did to you. Not even a marriage could keep her on her best behavior. Don't worry the other guy, he's just the new you and all the stuff she said to you, she'll say about this guy...then tear him down.

We've been through the same stuff here and you'll get a lot of solid advice. PM me if you need to talk.
 
#382 ·
Listen to Samurai!!!!! He speaks some truth.

My prediction?

She will marry this guy........and make his life a living hell.

You will get through this. It might be 2 more months or maybe two years. But when you do get through this you will be so incredibly happy and thankful you got out. Read the first post man...she was a B!TCH. Whether she was mental or not - the point is that she was BAD.
 
#383 ·
One great thing about a forum that serves as a diary, you can go back and re-read. Often there is amazing stuff recorded. For example, your first post:
I think my wife MIGHT be having affair…she’s asleep right now and I’m looking for some thoughts...

Now it looks like your gut feeling was right on the mark. It would be sad, but read on and reconsider:

So here’s my story and few things that have happened to me in my brief marriage.

Met my wife three years ago, instant mutual attraction, off the charts sex, and we were engaged 10 months later. She is 27, I’m 30. Wonderful wedding day, good honeymoon - but immediately afterwards things went sour and I’m not sure why. Now you know she BPD or something is wrong.S She was not healthy then.We are approaching the third year of marriage.

How did you stick it out so long?

Some notes:

1. I worked a lot of long hours in our first year of marriage. Like 10-12 hour days. She did not like this, but I was a manager and we working against some tight deadlines.

2. After the honeymoon was over, it took us three months to have sex again. Then another two months afterwards to have sex again.

Should have divorced then.

3. After our first year of marriage, she gained a ton of weight, at least 35 lbs. She has been seeing a counselor, and has been on Strattera, Lamictal, and Cymbalta. She was on another drug that I forget the name of. She has went through bouts of depression her entire life.

Hid that from you, until you were married and then she dumped on you.

4. I am getting yelled at, ALL THE TIME. I will be sitting watching TV with her, and she will start picking a fight with me for no real reason. She picks on me for being too thin and it’s ruining myself esteem. I asked if she thought I was good looking and she did not answer.

OM is watching TV with her now. How's that going for him?

5. I am often told that I do not make enough money. She works at a company where a lot of guys are making great money and she has to travel for her job, so she is around other men a lot. I make a decent living, but we are not rich.

You made a living. If OM has more, she'll still wish he made more.

6. We went on a trip for our second anniversary and she refused to sleep with me, and she gave me a dirty look when I tried to initiate sex. I would say that we maybe have had sex 10-15 times in our entire marriage (2 years, 9 months total)

What a fvcking nightmare. Thank God, it's over. I am an atheist but here there is no substitute for divine intervention.

7. She does not like to be hugged by me at all. I tried kissing her on the cheek the other morning prior to us leaving for work and she winced.

She last comment again. Substitute God with Buddha, Jesus or some other power.

8. This past December, we went to her company's Holiday party together and her co-workers were acting kind of weird around me. They would stare at me for a long time and look confused, and look away. Maybe I’m being too paranoid.

They felt sorry for you because they knew about her double nature.

9. She talks, at least once a week, about her female co-workers flirting with other guys in the office. Married men going out to lunch with married women.

So-called toxic friends. Good riddance.

10. We are in marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor once asked her if she thought would be OK if I had my needs met by another woman. She really didn’t have a response.

Zero empathy.

11. My wife seems to have no friends, except her mom. She seems to get home everyday at 5:15pm. So, if she is with someone, it’s on her lunch breaks ONLY. She doesn’t leave my sight during the weekends.

FOO issues. Mom is the only one trusts.

Obviously, my marriage is in shambles, I have been thinking about divorce since Christmas. But I love this woman so much…I just feel like something is up.

You are free, dude! Now you can begin living. You only had sex 15 times in three years. What a rip off. She humped like she was in the heat and then cut your off. Disturbed woman. Don't hate her. Laugh. You made a mistake. You won't do it again.

You can meet someone who is loving. Be careful dating.


Thoughts?
 
#384 · (Edited)
Troy,

Why are you doing this to yourself? It's very sad that she has had such an effect on you that you cannot and will not move on.

Accidentally bumping into her in public would be one thing; deliberately going on to her and the OM's Facebook pages is just torturing yourself needlessly :(.

It has become obvious to me that SHE is not the only one in this relationship with significant emotional problems. You are codependent and would benefit from intense therapy to break this unhealthy connection.

You keep saying you are going to stop all this ruminating, rehashing, reminiscing; and then you don't :scratchhead:.

I've been following your thread since the very beginning, but I am checking out now. It is truly too painful to keep reading.

I wish you the very best.
 
#385 ·
Given the circumstances, I'd say there's nothing like some female company to perk you up. You're at the age now where some of the best looking single women are after a guy like you. Stable, still have hair, not fat.

If you're feeling screwed over, imagine each of your lives in 10 years. From what I read of her, she'll be a hateful, slovenly mess, and look terrible. You will hold up fine.

There's some balm for the ego.
 
#386 ·
Troy - get off this board for awhile and get out there. Meet some new women. No kids? Decent job? Good looks? Dude, you should be slaying.

You said your co-worker tried to hook you up with a girl who thought you were good looking? Shoot, your psycho wife didn't think twice about getting on some dude before the ink was dry so you should get out there and start tearing it up. Quit being a pvssy.

You should post back once you nailed a new woman. Until then, get some fresh air.
 
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