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I think my wife MIGHT be having affair…

225K views 507 replies 130 participants last post by  eastsouth2000 
#1 ·
I think my wife MIGHT be having affair…she’s asleep right now and I’m looking for some thoughts...

So here’s my story and few things that have happened to me in my brief marriage.

Met my wife three years ago, instant mutual attraction, off the charts sex, and we were engaged 10 months later. She is 27, I’m 30. Wonderful wedding day, good honeymoon - but immediately afterwards things went sour and I’m not sure why. We are approaching the third year of marriage.

Some notes:

1. I worked a lot of long hours in our first year of marriage. Like 10-12 hour days. She did not like this, but I was a manager and we working against some tight deadlines.

2. After the honeymoon was over, it took us three months to have sex again. Then another two months afterwards to have sex again.

3. After our first year of marriage, she gained a ton of weight, at least 35 lbs. She has been seeing a counselor, and has been on Strattera, Lamictal, and Cymbalta. She was on another drug that I forget the name of. She has went through bouts of depression her entire life.

4. I am getting yelled at, ALL THE TIME. I will be sitting watching TV with her, and she will start picking a fight with me for no real reason. She picks on me for being too thin and it’s ruining myself esteem. I asked if she thought I was good looking and she did not answer.

5. I am often told that I do not make enough money. She works at a company where a lot of guys are making great money and she has to travel for her job, so she is around other men a lot. I make a decent living, but we are not rich.

6. We went on a trip for our second anniversary and she refused to sleep with me, and she gave me a dirty look when I tried to initiate sex. I would say that we maybe have had sex 10-15 times in our entire marriage (2 years, 9 months total)

7. She does not like to be hugged by me at all. I tried kissing her on the cheek the other morning prior to us leaving for work and she winced.

8. This past December, we went to her companies Holiday party together and her co-workers were acting kind of weird around me. They would stare at me for a long time and look confused, and look away. Maybe I’m being too paranoid.

9. She talks, at least once a week, about her female co-workers flirting with other guys in the office. Married men going out to lunch with married women.

10. We are in marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor once asked her if she thought would be OK if I had my needs met by another woman. She really didn’t have a response.

11. My wife seems to have no friends, except her mom. She seems to get home everyday at 5:15pm. So, if she is with someone, it’s on her lunch breaks ONLY. She doesn’t leave my sight during the weekends.

Obviously, my marriage is in shambles, I have been thinking about divorce since Christmas. But I love this woman so much…I just feel like something is up.

Thoughts?
 
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#387 ·
I remember this time in my first marriage.

I would wonder what she was up to, be very angry that she moved on so easily... ask around, try to find out things, etc...

And then, one fine day, I got laid.

And I just didn't give a **** any more, because I got laid more that weekend than I did the last year of my marriage.

And then more. And more. Still more. And not only did I not care, I was freaking THANKFUL she left... I was having so much damn fun with hot women.

I'm not saying go and sleep around... but damn. It worked for me.
 
#389 ·
Hey. I'm not bad. I had a decent weekend. I joined a soccer team a couple weeks back and we've been playing two games a week. I have things to look forward to now. Thanks for asking.

Quick question. Is it normal to feel this empty? What is exactly is that feeling in my chest? It feels like broken heart but it's like a very ominous dark cloud that sort of follows me around. I don't think I've ever had these feelings before. Depression maybe?

I'm not crying as badly as I was last week. I just started watching the show "The League" and it's gotten me out of the dumps. Still, I wake up every morning and think about her. I don't want to.

I guess I'm shellshocked. I can't turn off love that quickly like she could. I'm also dealing with ego issues because this crazy witch seems to think this guy is so much better than me.

So, I've been reading a lot of Cluster-B and Borderlines lately and I see her hitting all the checkmarks. I think she might be high-functioning borderline because she isn't into cutting, drug-abuse, or some of the other crazy behaviors.

Sorry so long. But yes, I trying to get out as much as I can, stay off this board, trying to forget, etc.
 
#392 ·
So I have to see her tonight. The plan is to ignore.

But...I had a major revelation last night.

I’m done caring.

I’m just done with her and I realize how apathetic I’ve come in regards to everything that has happened in the past couple of days. I’m mentally exhausted and don’t need this pain in my life anymore. I don’t have the energy to maintain this thought process that just beats me up day in day out.

I need to get on with my life and walk away. I had a trigger this morning in which I remember how miserable she was and how she badly she treated me. It was something on a morning talk show, a DJ, whose nagging voice sounded like hers. I was disgusted.

I realized right then that I’m missing nothing by being with her. I know that I can do better.

I think I might chime in later to let you know how it goes tonight. After tonight, I’m going to take a break from these boards. The more I dwell and talk about it, the more involved and invested I become. Not a good thing.
 
#393 ·
So I saw her.

I just got back home from the accountant's office. Long story as to why I had to do this, so i won't get into it.

She was about 5 minutes late, appeared in knee high boots, tight jeans, lots of makeup on. This seemed odd to me, since it was 5:30pm when we had to meet and her clothing was not work appropriate.

So either she was trying to impress me, or her new boyfriend. Whatever the case may be....

She was incredibly dismissive, rude, and cold. Texting the whole time. I had to ask her a question about our house due to tax purposes, namely the date we sold it and she said to me in really *****y tone "why do you need to know that?"

When working with our accountant, she was bubbly and friendly and extremely confident. Whenever I had to interact with her she went really cold and acted holier than thou.

I did my best to avoid her, and left the offices without saying goodbye.

I was in such rage on the way home that I stopped at a bar, and I normally don't do this alone, and had about three draft beers to cut my edge off. So, she won, and she got to me.

The rage comes from all the reasons stated in this thread, but it also feels she is getting rewarded for treating me like garbage, for filing for divorce, and banging this guy in my house while we were separated.

I'm TRYING not to care. But I feel awful right now. I know exactly what she is doing and whose place she is going to tonight. I hate this woman.
 
#396 · (Edited)
So I saw her.

So, she won, and she got to me.

You don't understand womanese my man. Anytime a chick has to play special dressup and behave in a condescending manner, it means she doesn't have the wherewithal to deal with you on a level playing field. Do you think Zoe Cruz, Co-President of Morgan Stanley would need to present herself in such a manner? You played the hand right by not showing it was getting to you. (and it shouldn't get to you )
Next time just laugh when blurts out a pizzy remark. Remember, her breath sinks in the morning just like anybody elses.
 
#397 ·
She thinks she's above you because you she's with Mr. Money Bags now. Good, now he can deal with her sh_tty behavior. Her condescending tone reeks of entitlement.

She dressed up (for a meeting with an accountant?) to make you want her again. She's not over you, and she's pissed because you called off the marriage. If she was over you, she would have treated you like a stranger and shown up in her work attire. It's looks like she made the effort to go home, change, put makeup on, etc. SHE'S NOT OVER YOU.

Good riddance to this mental case! Now, you'll never have to see her again.
 
#398 ·
I'm thinking that's why she dressed up. She's not over you in that...she can't get over the fact that you filed for D before she did. You beat her to the punch and she can't stand it.

So she dresses up then treats you mean.

:nono: Never gonna get it, never gonna get it... Never gonna get it, never gonna get it.... Woo woo woo woo....
 
#399 ·
When you Meet again, be extremely positive and beyond happy. You'll damage her big time. Keep looking at your watch like you gotta be somewhere else. She'll read that body language in a big way.

Have a GF/buddy call you. Or just fake a call to a lady while she's there. Two can play that game. Just sayin have some fun with this. It'll drive her batty. Be strong, confident and knowing. You are yah know!
 
#402 ·
To answer a few questions. I have plenty of guy friends, but I've been neglecting them for the past three years. Now I know why, maybe they didn't like my wife? I take the blame here too.

Since I'm on the other side of town, I have an opportunity to make some new friends. I'm already hanging out with my soccer team.

Come to think of it, she doesn't have any real friends that she hangs out with. Nobody calls her, or texts her. Just her mom. Heck, none of her bridesmaids even speak with her. They all sort of disappeared. I can understand, in some strange way, why she has a boyfriend now and it's a co-worker. She doesn't have the ability to go outside of her job to meet people. I was her only social outlet outside of that job.

Now I understand her need to replace me so quickly. Someone mentioned earlier in this thread something about how they need this to even function. I feel bad for her.

So what happens next? She probably gets married to this guy, a co-worker, then stays at this job that she hates because he still works there, and lives in a town that she finds boring, and doesn't really do anything to improve herself. I should not care, but how is this a good thing?

I don't know. That's why I want to leave. I'm given a chance to get out and move to a different place and meet someone new. I'm now longer chained to this woman and I want to experience something new.
 
#406 ·
Go out and date gorgeous women. Most guys will look and wish. Don't be that guy. Don't ogle, strike up a chat. If they're available (actually, many are for that reason) - they'll enjoy the talk.

*hint* Be interested, not interesting. It's an open secret, but don't tell anyone.

Heal yourself. Small steps. No such thing as strangers, just friends you haven't met.
 
#409 ·
She will not be able to sustain a relationship with your replacement. Why can't you see that? Everyone on this thread has experience with this.

Sure, she's in a great place now because she found a new victim. But she won't be able to sustain it. She's acting out a role right now and then the curtain will drop.

She'll eventually get tired of everything again and take everything out on your replacement. She's an idiot and did NOTHING to change herself. She'll be stuck at her same lousy job with her husband who works are the same job in the same lousy house and EVERYTHING will implode down the road. Dude, seriously!

I like that you are taking charge and trying to move. Tremendously growth will come of this and you'll find yourself an awesome woman.
 
#411 ·
You're not going to find peace trying to find out what happened to her. She might cheat again, she might not, she might be most unhappy but since she's going to keep up appearances you will just be guessing yourself to death.

these kind of things are normal, i used to be obsessed about an x-gf as well id google her and check her fb for a whole year and she looked like she was having a lot of fun and i was feeling bad. We used to talk about getting married and i used to admit to her that she could do better than me (financially) if she choose to.

Then when i forgot all about it i learned that she's married to some guy she had friendzoned for years, they knew each other before she knew me! He even followed her all the way to Paris but i was the one who was rocking her world on those holidays! So you see, some things happen when it doesn't matter anymore.

Also, you're going to feel pretty silly if you god a good job right now and you chuck it away for an inferior offer just because you want to get away from your ex.
 
#413 ·
TroyN, plenty of us have been right where you are now. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of why she would leave you and end up with the slug she's with now.

I think what's happened is that she had moved on from you long ago. She just never bothered to tell you so. It's what happened to me also.

Leaving who and what she had, for who she's with and what she doesn't have now will never make sense to you. What makes it worse is that she had months/years to detach from you. You've only more recently started the process.

I know you don't believe it right now, but there will come a day when you realize that this is finally behind you. It's just tough right now because all you can think about is the past. I hard to even imagine the future.

The past is the past and will always be what it is. The funny think about the future is it's a clean slate. A blank canvas.

An artist may, for a while, morn his/her works that were lost in a fire. Then they pick up that brush again and before you know it - The walls will be covered with new impressions, abstracts and mosaics.

There's highs and lows. Right now, you are at the lowest of lows. To you the next high looks like a mountain that you don't have the energy, or desire to even attempt to climb.

But it's not a mountain, it's a wave. You're only drifting between the crests. The time will come when you're ready to swim again. And instead of avoiding that wave, you swim directly for it.

Chopping your way to the top and riding it in to better shores.

Hang in there. Don't end up being your own worse enemy. If you find yourself sitting at home and rehashing what has happened over and over in your mind, LEAVE. Go somewhere else. Anywhere else. If you busy your body with other things, your mind will soon follow.
 
#415 ·
Did really well this weekend. I attended a wedding for one of my office mates and met a few single ladies there. Slow danced with one. Felt awkward, of course, for a lot of reasons. It was the first event I attended as a solo guy and it was tough going home alone.

On Sunday I joined a friend for a run. We met a few of his friends afterwards at a bar and this girl (a friend of friend), VERY PRETTY, started talking to me and we seemed to hit it off and we exchanged numbers.

I did not call her or text her....but she texted me this morning to see what I was up to this Thursday. So I'm back at it!
 
#417 ·
Never underestimate the healing and helping power of simply talking to a person who doesnt have an agenda.

Just go cautiously and remain true to yourself.
Above all else, be honest with her so you dont mislead her.
 
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#416 ·
Troy

You are trying to apply normal logical behavior to to an abnormal illogical person. You will never understand why or how she could act the way she does. You are a normal, caring human being - she is not. You will never get answers that make sense because she changes with the weather.

If you step way back and look at the current situation from a distance you will see that she is repeating the pattern of the early relationship she had with you and the results will be the same unless this new guy is a whimp and gives into every little thing she wants. And this most likely weighed heavily into her choice to replace you. She thinks that Mr. Ugly will never question her behavior for fear of losing her no matter how nasty she treats him. She is incapable of love (only loves herself).

Count your blessings and get to a point of indifference with her. That is the best thing you can do for yourself.
 
#420 ·
Thanks for all of the support on this site. It's really helped me understand her (as much as anyone possibly could) and understand what role I played in all of this. Namely, not screening an individual long enough and really getting to know them. I guess, in the beginning, she was the world's greatest actor.

I read some snippets of this thread this afternoon and this link from a previous post put things into perspective and shed light on her illness:


"An emotionally abusive NPD/BPD woman is incapable of empathy. She’s incapable of seeing any viewpoint other than her own and only cares about her needs and feelings. She’d rather stick bamboo splinters under her fingernails than feel vulnerable and she cannot, cannot tolerate emotional and psychological intimacy."

and....

"She likes the idea of having a boyfriend or husband in the abstract, but the reality of being in a relationship is filled with frustration and disappointment for her because you’re not “perfect” or “good enough” for her highly inflated false sense of self. She soon grows to resent you and then the covert and overt abuse and rage attacks begin. Conversely, you try to hold her accountable and point out her imperfections. She can’t have that."

This was my wife in a nutshell!
 
#423 ·
Date went pretty well last night. Went to a winery, got some beers afterwards, and then coffee. She stayed at my place until 1am. Kissed at the winery, and at then for an hour or so at my place.

She dressed very well (make up, hair as well) quite different then what she looked like on Sunday. She looked spectacular.

She apparently googled me and Facebook stalked me for the past week trying to figure out more about me. She also talked to a girl who knew me (I partially know her), and the girls reaction was "yeah, he's ridiculously hot - I didn't know he was divorced" So I'm being validated by other women, which is interesting. I guess I'm perceived in a different way than I thought.

She also found photos of my ex-wife too and asked about my divorce. She also found photos of my ex-wife's new boyfriend. She was certainly doing her homework on me. I tried to be positive and not talk to much about my past, but I told her my wife had a lot of issues and I had to leave her.

After a few glasses of wine, she half disclosed "well, your wife married up" meaning that I was essentially the better looking of the two of us and her new boyfriend was "frumpy". I like this woman! lol.

We have plans Saturday.

Meanwhile, I still have mutual friends of my ex-wife still on Facebook. They were people I knew before I met her. Anyways, she's "liking" their recent photos. I also stumbled upon a post/graphic she publicly shared that said "Embrace Life, Whatever happened this year was meant to be." Seriously? So banging an executive co-worker and blowing up a marriage was all a part of your future plans? :scratchhead:
 
#428 ·
I also stumbled upon a post/graphic she publicly shared that said "Embrace Life, Whatever happened this year was meant to be." Seriously? So banging an executive co-worker and blowing up a marriage was all a part of your future plans? :scratchhead:
Troy,
Don't waste your time on what your ex says or does. When you let stuff like that bother you then you are giving power back to her. You have broke free of her, LET IT GO. Enjoy what you have and what is to come in the future. I know there's some hurt that will just take time to get over. When you let the things your ex does or stuff she post on facebook get to you it's like ripping the bandaid off a cut that hasn't healed. Let it go. You have said yourself she has issues and that's putting it mildly. Some people are blinded by whatever, or careless or just too stupid to see how bad they have screwed up things. People like that leave a lot of collateral damage and just don't care. You can only control you. Now go make the best of today and all the future tomorrows.
 
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