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I think my wife MIGHT be having affair…

225K views 507 replies 130 participants last post by  eastsouth2000 
#1 ·
I think my wife MIGHT be having affair…she’s asleep right now and I’m looking for some thoughts...

So here’s my story and few things that have happened to me in my brief marriage.

Met my wife three years ago, instant mutual attraction, off the charts sex, and we were engaged 10 months later. She is 27, I’m 30. Wonderful wedding day, good honeymoon - but immediately afterwards things went sour and I’m not sure why. We are approaching the third year of marriage.

Some notes:

1. I worked a lot of long hours in our first year of marriage. Like 10-12 hour days. She did not like this, but I was a manager and we working against some tight deadlines.

2. After the honeymoon was over, it took us three months to have sex again. Then another two months afterwards to have sex again.

3. After our first year of marriage, she gained a ton of weight, at least 35 lbs. She has been seeing a counselor, and has been on Strattera, Lamictal, and Cymbalta. She was on another drug that I forget the name of. She has went through bouts of depression her entire life.

4. I am getting yelled at, ALL THE TIME. I will be sitting watching TV with her, and she will start picking a fight with me for no real reason. She picks on me for being too thin and it’s ruining myself esteem. I asked if she thought I was good looking and she did not answer.

5. I am often told that I do not make enough money. She works at a company where a lot of guys are making great money and she has to travel for her job, so she is around other men a lot. I make a decent living, but we are not rich.

6. We went on a trip for our second anniversary and she refused to sleep with me, and she gave me a dirty look when I tried to initiate sex. I would say that we maybe have had sex 10-15 times in our entire marriage (2 years, 9 months total)

7. She does not like to be hugged by me at all. I tried kissing her on the cheek the other morning prior to us leaving for work and she winced.

8. This past December, we went to her companies Holiday party together and her co-workers were acting kind of weird around me. They would stare at me for a long time and look confused, and look away. Maybe I’m being too paranoid.

9. She talks, at least once a week, about her female co-workers flirting with other guys in the office. Married men going out to lunch with married women.

10. We are in marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor once asked her if she thought would be OK if I had my needs met by another woman. She really didn’t have a response.

11. My wife seems to have no friends, except her mom. She seems to get home everyday at 5:15pm. So, if she is with someone, it’s on her lunch breaks ONLY. She doesn’t leave my sight during the weekends.

Obviously, my marriage is in shambles, I have been thinking about divorce since Christmas. But I love this woman so much…I just feel like something is up.

Thoughts?
 
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#5 ·
I'm embarrassed to say that we are on our second marriage counselor. The first one sided with me on almost everything, so my wife wanted to find someone new.

I am so confused. Lost and sad. Who I was engaged to is not even the same person I married.

We have no children. But she wants to have kids. I told her I don't want them until we are at a better place.
 
#7 ·
While I can see that you have problems in your marriage, what makes you think that she is having an affair ? I can't see it from what you have said.
 
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#12 ·
Troy my man, cheating is a two step process. First she loses interest in you. Second she cheats. Her physically pulling away every time you try to even embrace her doesn't necessarily mean she's cheating. What it does mean is that she is repelled by you. Whether she is cheating or not, she has clearly lost interest in you. It will most likely never return.
Forget MC and reconciliation, declare your relationship dead and make plans accordingly. The quicker you can free yourself from this tomb, the better off you'll be.
 
#13 ·
Dude you need to go James Bond on her @ss!

You diserve to protect your self from any deceit or betrayal. Damn it son she has given you cuz so spy on this women and protect your self from any more abuse and get to the bottom of this huge degree of disrespect from someone that should be your best friend.

I have been here long enough to know something ain't right and asking your old
Lady ain't going to get you anywhere .

So please do your own investigation and get the intel that will justify your next course of action. Right now
You in a guessing game and that sh!t ain't going to get you o were.

Hell bro get some intel and confront her with actual facts.... It will get you further along then the conjecture you have now.

Come on ...you need to know what your up against so go find out......no matter how painful it is to do this crap to someone you love.

Face it she is not being honest with you so find out what the phucked is up with her.

You diserve to protect your self from any betrayal no matter who it's coming from.
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#14 ·
i don't think she is cheating on you, I do think she has a problem.
I don't want to come out and say she is mentally unstable, but she might suffer from some sort of mental disease ( I cant think of the word so I can be politically correct.
You mentioned that she totally changed as soon as you two got married, she gained weight, and has been on medication.
Could it be possible that she was sexually abused as a child, and now that you are married, she sees you as an aggressor?
My mind is not working right, I am not being too correct.
She is not cheating, I can almost guaranteed it.
I think she needs individual counseling, at the very least.

Gosh, Wish I could think of the name of the thread where the wife was acting much like yours.
Turns out, she was sexually abused by a family member and once the boyfriend became the husband she began to disengaged because she believed she could not trust her family to keep her safe and love her.

I hope someone else sheds some light on this issue.
 
#16 ·
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#19 ·
It doesn't sound like cheating to me. Or if it is, that's the least of your problems. It sounds like she has psychological problems. Winces when you kiss her on the cheek, but then says she wants children with you? What did the marriage counselor say?

Cheaters are involved in cheating. I don't see any sign of that with what you posted. Typical signs of cheating would be guarding the phone, deleting messages, going out with friends you never met. Your wife sounds like she is deeply depressed.

It sounds like the people at work didn't know she was married. How was your wife at that party? Did she seem like she was social and friendly with her co-workers? Aside from her apparent recent dislike and distaste for you, has her personality changed? It sounds like it has, and drastically.

If you want to rule out cheating, get a voice-activated recorder and put it in her car for a couple of weeks. If nothing turns up, I would assume she isn't cheating and that she has other issues that are causing her to act this way.

You bring up working long hours the first year you were married. It is not unusual to read on here of deep-seated feelings and resentments that spring up over misunderstandings. Is it possible that your wife still is resentful of how much time you spent, or are spending, at work? Is that a big change from the time you two were dating?
 
#22 ·
She is obviously not meeting your needs. Do you want to spend the rest of your like not getting YOUR needs met? Move on. Sorry to see you going through this but you're among the right friends. We all have our stories and we've been through quite a bit.
 
#23 ·
Before you married her, sex was awesome, she was thin and didn't abuse you and beat you down emotionally..

Next time she tells you about the married women at work flirting with the married men, ask who the guy is that she 'flirts' with, then tell her that if she wants to be single again so she can flirt, you'll be happy to start the divorce proceedings. Then she can start to treat you nice again, like she did when you weren't married to her.

As for having kids.. please don't do that until you're sure she's mentally stable and no longer abusing you.

She makes you feel bad about your weight, your job, your sexuality.. Does she do anything good for you since you've been married? Cook? Clean?

You're young.. no kids.. If you love her, let her go.. if she really loves you, she'll come back to you minus the abuse... You shouldn't have to spend your life without sex, love and caring.. you deserve to have those things. If she can't give them to you, go find someone that will. Let her find a doormat she can wipe her feet on, that seems to be what she wants out of marriage, not love or friendship, but a whipping boy. Let her go marry her work 'friend'.. and with-hold sex from him and make him feel less than attractive..

Work place affairs are difficult to find out... they meet in work, talk all day, have time to plan and sneak.. take lunch breaks together, meet before work, after work, take days off together... Check her phone records, pay stubs... but in your case, I'm not sure I'd even want to find out, I'd just go right to the divorce, because cheating or not, she needs a slap across the face with divorce papers...
 
#24 ·
From what you've described here I would say you don't have a "marriage." I'm not sure how to classify it, but it seems to be an emotional wasteland for you. Constant arguments, resentment, no affection, no sexual contact. Why are you staying in this? :confused: She may or may not be having an affair, but the point is you aren't getting anything out of this relationship. I think it's time to bail out and start over with someone who can really offer you what you want in a marriage.
 
#25 ·
Cheating maybe, detaching, for sure. Her self esteem is out of whack, wince kissing. That right their would get my attention. You shouldn't do that when someone is showing affection. Crap feeling, believe me. She is behaving in a way you see different. Three years of marriage and two marriage counselors is not good. No kids, besides loving her, what else is their to keep you wanting this marriage. This will only get worse. Sorry you are in this man. Good luck.
 
#27 ·
OP she may be cheating. Then Again she may not be.

Either way you need to gtfo of the situation you are in. She cut off sex immediately after your honeymoon. You have no kids and she didn't like the mc who tried to honestly address your marital issues.

She's not vested in your marriage and you are in for years and years of pain if you stick this out.

Follow your gut. Get the divorce done.

If she's not having an affair and I am not certain she is. Then she has a boat load of issues with a big one being that she just doesn't like you at all. Forget about love.
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#28 ·
This chick sounds too much like my ex-wife and that marriage was the impetus that caused me to be what I never wanted to be. Nevertheless, certain anti depression drugs can cause weight gain and loss of sex drive, (especially the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors). But what the hey, marriage in a lot of cases seem to cause that to. ;)
 
#29 ·
It could be that:

A) All those drugs are messing with her mind, making her irritated and wanting to lash out at all she sees, but she can't afford to do that at work, so you get the full benefit of it when she gets home.

B) She simply HATES sex, and only gave it to you in order to get you to marry her, then gave you some more on your honeymoon as a "reward" for stepping up to the plate and marrying her. But now that she's "safely" married, why would she HAVE to give you anything again? SHE'S SAFE!!!

C) She's NOT cheating, but she sees all these other ambitious studs at work, and is disappointed in you for not measuring up.

D) She IS having an affair.

I'm leaning towards A and B.
 
#31 ·
:iagree: I lean towards B , but A is a possibility.

Check out that link I posted above.
 
#30 ·
You love the woman you married. Unfortunately, you’re not married to that woman any longer.

Short marriage, you both have jobs and no kids. The only reason to catch her in an affair would be to provide impetuous for divorce which you should do anyway.

It might be fun to snoop, but divorce her no matter what you find. If she suddenly comes on strong for sex, refrain or use a condom. Do not get her pregnant.
 
#32 ·
Oh, and as for that work party situation, is it possible that she's SEVERELY bad-mouthing you behind your back? Trust me on this one, my mother and sister would do this all the time!
 
#35 ·
...., I have been thinking about divorce since Christmas. But I love this woman so much…I just feel like something is up.

Thoughts?
What's to love about her?

I'm not sure you know what love really is...there's nothing lovable about her. It's not even ACCEPTABLE.

She sounds like a fricken nightmare. Get a divorce and find a partner. A partner has your back and supports you, they don't put you down when you are working hard...do not stay with this woman, because if she gets pregnant it's gonna get a lot worse.

File for divorce, pull a 180, sell the house, split your assets and cut her out of your life completely. You're working all those hours and getting told it's not enough, your constantly being berated and yelled at, there's no sex, she's obviously not attracted to you...why would you want to stay with someone like that?

You got engaged and married way too soon. The person you thought she is; she is not!

People often have layers to them, and only show you the shiny outside at first....then as time passes they peel off the layers to reveal a rotten core with parasites. You are married to a rotten core.
 
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