Radish

hey, I've posted on here a few months ago asking some questions. I cheated on my boyfriend (It would have been 4 years this coming December we've been together) We have lived together for 3 years. We share living expenses and could pretty much be considered "married" without the legality of it. This is why I come for advice on this site. The affair went on from December until beginning of April when I ended it and told my boyfriend. The only problem was that I couldn't tell him everything at first, which was a HUGE mistake on my part, besides the actual affair. I waited until the end of May, after everything had been going great between us for 2 months, which definitely took us a few steps back. Anyway, until recently he said that he's only really been having a problem getting over the fact that I was still lying after I initially told him. Probably about a week ago and a half, he told me that he was finally starting to understand why I had kept it from him which I took as a good sign that maybe we would be able to start moving forward. The only problem was that he had begun to start hanging out with a female co-worker. They would stay out till 2 to 3 in the morning, which started to cause me to get jealous. I knew there were no feelings between them (her heart is with someone else, and his was still partly with me at the time). They just both needed someone to talk to and they became friends. When I look back now, I know 100% that there are no feelings between them, but I've only recently realized I have abandonment issues. I would have felt the same way if it was a guy he was hanging out with. Anyway, my extreme jealousy has caused him to finally call it quits. He broke it off Saturday morning. We are still living together and hes "broken up" with me in the past and we usually worked it out, but this time he says its different. He says its too late and he doesn't love me anymore. The only thing is that some of his behaviors tell me differently.


Wednesday, we kind of fooled around. He initiated it and I thought I could take that as a good sign that he still wanted to work things out.He originally had told me that he wouldn't be able to do anything physical with me of there was no emotion there. The only problem is that now he tells me that he feels that because its me, he would be able to do physical things without there being emotion, but that just doesn't sound like the person I've know all these years and it contradicts what he had originally said. He keeps saying that hes just using me because it feels good being touched. I just don't know if I should trust what hes saying completely because of the circumstances. I'm not sure if he's just taking a step back and seeing if I'm worth being with and if I'll finally get my jealousy issues under control. It just doesn't seem like him to be able to use me like that after he had already said that he didn't want to lead me on.

I've asked him if he feels like if I did change (I have emotional issues that I still haven't recovered from after my mothers death 3 years ago) that he would be able to re-develop feelings for me. He told me that if the love was still there and just dormant, it would show up again. He says that I should stop talking about changing and actually do it and we'll see. That was giving me hope, but I'm starting to feel that maybe he's just saying it to avoid me constantly questioning him about it.

What all this is coming down to is, is there anyone out there that was in a similar situation as my boyfriend, stopped feeling love and then been able to get it back once there partner showed they were more serious about being a better person in the relationship? Or maybe that you were just saying it because you were hurt? Just wanna get an idea if I should still hold on to hope or if I should just let it go. Or if anyone was in my situation, and can give me any advice on what I should do. He cant move out right away because of financial issues. If he really wanted out he could stay by his brothers house but that's something he already said no to. Within a couple of months though, he should have enough to leave...

I guess I'm trying to ask if anyone thinks its possible to fall back in love with someone even after you feel like you've lost that love? Also, should I keep things the way they are and if he starts something up just hope that eventually it'll turn into emotional connection? Or should I just stop it completely and tell him that he shouldn't do anything unless there is emotion already present. I'm worried if I do that I'll destroy any chance of there being true intimacy developed between us again. Any responses would be greatly appreciated, I'm just so confused....I still love him and want him back.

I've already started taking steps in bettering myself as a person, It's not just talk anymore. I've made an appointment to see a therapist and I am doing a lot of reading to help control my emotions.

tamara24

I think you should not be sleeping with him. When I dated my husband, we went through some of the same stuff. Not completely the same, but close. First, he says there is no emotion, then you mess around. Well,you don't want to become the girl he has easy access for sex. Plus, he wants you to do all the changing. Granted you cheated, but it takes two to change things and you can't possibly change your relationship if you are the only one doing it.
You should definitley work on yourself and any issues that you have personally .then if the two of you get back together, then you will be ready. Don't let him play head games or use you. By saying he doesn't want to be with you then messes around with you, it is giving mixed signals.
If he chooses to move out, let him. If he chooses to stay, you need to set boundries. You can say if we are not together anymore, I can't sleep with you. I am trying to improve myself and your actions are confusing me.
Good luck!
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Radish

Thanks a lot for the advice.