Re: been 4 years since affair but still can't get over it!
So what I am hearing is that he told you about the affair, denied the extent of it, continued contact with her, refused to give up details you asked for and thought you were "weird" for wanting to know. In reality, he cheated on you, lied about the physical part, kept her on the side for months, didn't admit to any details and doesn't feel you have the right to know what actually went on. This is ALL about him. He doesn't want to admit what he has really done, give up details, give you a timeline of the affair and trully own up in an effort to protect himself. Of COURSE you can't move on! Seriously, coming home and saying "honey we have to talk" or something like that, telling you of the affair but then lying, denying and holding back the truth has totally prevented you from moving on. You will never be able to come to terms with this if he isn't totally transparent with his actions. Ever. That means he tells you exactly what happened, when it happened, where it happened, how often it happened, until you are confident you have the truth. After that he needs to give you access to his phone, email, accounts, etc. He needs to be where he is when he says he is and be accountable for that. He needs to be TOTALLY transparent in all of his daily business. Always. If he is unwilling to do that, then you really need to take a hard look at your marriage and figure out if you want to spend another 10 years of your life with somebody who isn't respectful of your needs and your wants in an effort to heal.
BTW... he wasn't "stuck in a hole" he stuck it IN a hole. HE needs to own up to his actions and give you the answers and the eventual closure that you need and deserve.