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What am I feeling? Is this a normal part of the process?

2K views 3 replies 3 participants last post by  tj71 
#1 ·
So it has been 4 weeks to the day that my wife told me about her EA. I have been through hell and back but something happened yesterday that changed everything.

Yesterday morning I was feeling the worst so far emotionally. I was actually so upset that I was planning on doing something really crazy and stupid. I was planning things from going and kicking the OM's a$$, emailing his wife all the phone records (he never told her anything to try and save his marriage), or going out to get plowed and find a one night relationship. I was seriously considering these things.

Then it hit me that I should contact a friend of mine (who happens to be female) who is going through the same exact crap that I am. We spoke for over an hour and she had some amazing advice and insight. After I spoke with her I never felt calmer in my entire life. I felt like my head was clear for the first time since my wife's EA. I was amazed at how there really is someone else out there that could put me at so much ease. This is something I have never felt with my wife. Ever.

I feel like I am seeing straight for the first time and I feel like I am being able to detach myself from what happened and just let my wife go in my mind. Just let her figure things out on her own. In my head when I think about her leaving me, I feel really calm. I feel like if she did leave that it wouldn't matter and that I could be so happy with someone who has a more loyal heart like myself.

What do you make of this? It's weird that I feel so free, clear headed, and okay about these thoughts.
 
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#2 ·
Yup it's normal. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Solid advice from a Friend can calm it all down and give you some clarity. But they don't call it the emotional roller coaster for nothing. It will likely cycle again and then you need to reach out for support to help you find your way through it. You also need to learn to deal with it on your own so you can calm yourself and keep your eye on the long term goal of recovering your marriage. Good luck.
 
#3 ·
If your marriage is over you need to do things the right way. It is not a coincidence that this friend is a female. I understand the temptation but if you make back up plans before leaving your wife you will repeat patterns. Do things the right way, even if your wife didn't; that means ending one relationship before beginning another.

Stay strong, I know she messed up twice, but damn....are you guys in counseling?????

I'll pray for your marriage tonight.
 
#4 ·
I will be honest with you yogachick, when I first read this I was about ready to call you all kinds of names for accusing me and this sweet woman of repeating this pattern our spouses have done. But I decided to think on it and ask myself some serious questions.

You're absolutely right. I asked myself "what would I do if this friend of mine came to me today and asked me to be with her?" and ya know what? I would probably say "yes". I didn't even realize it but she is everything I want in a woman. She has all the qualities I wish my wife had. Very loyal. We are so similar in our personalities and situations it's scary. We talk to each other with great ease like we have know each other forever. And I tell myself that I deserve someone just as loyal as she is. Our situations would even easily allow us to get too close because both our spouses don't even care if we have close friends of the opposite sex. Wow, you hit the nail on the head!

I am glad I called her though. The advice she gave me was what I needed to hear and it was a real turning point for me. By talking with her, she stopped me from doing something really stupid later that day. I was seriously considering asking my friends, who drink, at work to go out with me and get plowed. I was ready to get wasted just to see what would happen. So I am glad I called her.

But yeah, you're right. It could easily lead down that same path.

It's just hard when I don't feel like I have gotten much loyalty from my wife all these years. And she has anxiety attacks all the time about whether or not we should have ever gotten married. Wears you down after 18 years. I just want a keeper. Loyalty. Is that too much to ask?

Thanks for your prayers!
 
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