Zebolt

I'm not sure if I am overreacting or not.

I recently discovered that my wife has been chatting online with a co-worker of hers. Or flirting, as she has put it. To the best of my knowledge it's just been kissy smileys and some avatars I don't approve of. They were/are friends, and I guess when they started talking online outside of work, it moved from a platonic friendship into the emotional affair territory.

The first time I confronted her about it, she lied to my face about the nature of their friendship.

She eventually came clean and said she stopped it all and told the guy from work that the flirting is done with.

It's been five days now and I can't put this behind me. It wasn't a full-blown affair so I feel unjustified, in a way, feeling like I do.

1. She thinks she can downgrade her friendship with this guy from that online flirting back to a de facto friendship with a co-worker stage. I do not agree. I want her to stop talking to him entirely, outside of work-related things that cannot be avoided. She says he called her yesterday and told her he's switching to a different job. Honestly, I feel like she shouldn't even take his calls. Yes, it's unfortunate that they were good friends and that now, if you ask me, that is all over and finished, but to carry on any social contact now would be wrong. In my view.

2. She told him personal things about our relationship, mostly things that make me look bad. Embarrassing things. I feel like my trust has been severely violated. I can appreciate a person's need to sometimes talk about their spouse outside of the relationship, to vent or whatever, but somehow this feels wrong.

3. I don't know why, but the fact that he has seen her breast (in one of her avatars) does not leave me alone. I hate the thought of him having that much familiarity with my wife's body.

Essentially, I feel like a piece has been sliced off from the emotional closeness and the trust and the loyalty in our marriage. I try not to talk to her about it anymore or ask specific questions because I don't want to keep bringing it up again and again, but in my head it never stops.

nappilymarried

i know exactly how you feel zebolt. im going thrrough a similar situation with my husband. i found a vulgar text message that he wrote to a so called "friend" . well she turned out to be someone he dated and althoguht he wont admit it, i know they probably had sex. this is based on how specific the text message was. i dont know how recent it was but at some point i know that feel that they did. i also found a phone billthat showed several calls and text messages to this woman and other women. one of which i know was in love with my husband. she by the way didnt even know he was marreid. i know this cause i talked to her myself and i could tell by her reaction that she didnt know about me....anywho he has claimed to have cut these women off. im not so sure he has. plus i know there are others that he hasnet told me about cause ive seen them on his messenger. and other website profiles that he has. my thing is when i try to bring these things up to me he continues to lie about it. and this frustrates me even more especially when i know the truth. we are goin to counseling,and it is helping me some. im not so sure about him,cause he even lies there too sometimes. i kinda feel like every time we take a step forward, we end up taking two steps back. i hope that we can get this resolved before he problem worsens and we are not able to fix it. ......but as for you i would definatly tell your wife that she need to cut all ties with this guy.it would be best for all of you. im sure he isnt her only friend. and if so she can make new ones.(ones that you do approve of) flirting with other people while you are married is not acceptable!!!!!!!!!!! because there is alway oppurtunity to go a little further. and who knows just how far it could go. so i say just do go there at all. and her showing him a picture of her brest, now thats just wrong! you just gotta put your foot down. .....i also know exactly what you mean by it never stops in your head.cause i got my own nightmare going in my head. let me tell you counseling helps. but if you dont want to go that route just talking to a good friend that you can trust is good too. but definately get your feelings out and heard. don't bottle them up cause that only makes it worse. believe me, i learned fom experience. also most importantly tell your wife how you feel .tell her exactly how much this bothers you. i feel like if she really knew just how bad you are hurt, then she would have no problem with cutting this guy loose.good luck!!!

swedish

IMHO, no you are not!
You shouldn't feel unjustified. From your end (I've been there) the feeling is no different. The one person you should be able to trust with things only the two of you should share has betrayed your trust.
Here's my view as I heard the same "we still plan to be friends" yadda yadda yadda....Whether it was a full-blown physical affair or not, if you both agree a line has been crossed (I hope she does) and she has done/said things that she never would have said to this man if you were sitting there reading what she typed /said then I think you are perfectly justified to say since a line has been crossed with this man that has caused some serious damage within our marriage, it is no longer appropriate to maintain any friendship with him at all. Trust has been broken and if she cares about your marriage, she should understand that for you to get past this and the constant thoughts to begin to diminish, you will need to begin to trust her again. I don't see how that is possible if she is still in contact with him and you have to worry about what is being said, etc.

5 days is not a long time...don't expect to be able to just 'get over it' I think you and your wife will need to have some serious talks about why she went to him vs. you with issues, etc. and go from there. I do think it's her responsibility to regain your trust by her actions going forward.