hurtbyher

It has been one year since my wifes PA. I stayed away for 25 days before I finally talked to her. We talked and she confessed to sleeping with 2 guys and meeting another. She was texting and talking to several. I still hurt at times. What really bothers me is I believe she lied about the whole truth. She changed her phone number and email. She doesn't get on Facebook or Myspace either. She appears to be doing the right thing now. However I have checked her old email and through pretending to be her have found that she slept with another guy and met him alot according to him. If this is true she lied to me when she confessed. The time she needed to be truely honest to save her marrage she lied again. Can I ever trust her?

My question is everything is going good now. I am unhappy that she lied. I have thought about asking her again about what happened and she if she is honest this time. We have never talked about why it really happened. I would like to know why. She said she was stupid and didn't know why. I don't believe that is a good enough answer. Other than the one night of confession we never talk about it. Is this a good thing? I feel we should talk about why it happened an how we can never let it happen again. Should I just let it go? It still bothers me. I feel talking will help me. I would like to clear all my questions and talk openly about how and why it happened. I would like to do this befrore the one year mark. I want to move on. I know I will never forget but want to try to move on with our lives.

What is your opinion? Any and all welcome. Thanks in advance.

jessi

I think now that things are better between you, maybe you could talk about why it happened so you can change the things that were missing for her......
It's been a year now and it's time to just accept that she did this and move on and just relate to the woman she is now and the marriage you now have......
If she has truly changed and you see this in her, then don't take any steps backwards for her or you.........
All the facts you know about the O men, won't change the your history......so what is the point, it happened, move on bettering your marriage and yourselves and look towards the future....
It takes a lot of time, you chose to stick it out, give that 100% and if it doesn't work out, then at least you tried.........
long and tiring road for all of us that have to live through this.....

HopeinHouston

Two things are at work here. She does owe you some answers and you do have a right to ask some questions. At the same time I believe that there does come a point that we do have to let it go and let the past be the past.

What worries me is that it is a year later and you said that you have not talked about it except for that one night. That leads me to believe that there are probably many issues that led to the situation that are still unresolved. You have to realize that there are issues in your relationship that need to be addressed and not talking about them or not seeking counselling will not make the situations better.

willzy

There are 2 reasons to want the whole truth about the past.

First is that you might want to revise your opinion on the future of the marriage. If there have been a lot more infidelities and those have happened when things were good between you then that will tell you something.

The second is that lies create a barrier. It's harder to love if you lie and it's destructive to love if you find out you have been lied to.

However....

I think there comes a point where you have to mentally draw a line on the past. Call it a leap of faith. Of course you risk betrayal (either past or future) but that is life.

Agree with posts above though. You shld be able to talk about it in the context of why it happened. V important that the lines of communication on your relationship are fully open and that is a part of it. I just wouldn't put too much pressure on about details of where / when / who from the past. You can't force the truth out of someone and if you try it can be destructive for your relationship.

RWB

HurtBy,

If you want to know the details the general rule is, The Sooner the Better.

If you are like me on this, seems most men are, they need to know that truth from their wives about their affairs.

There is some curiosity (who is this woman I thought loved me). There is some need to be caught up (who has she been with, why). There is a need for closure (I am tired of wondering). All these are real honest feelings. If she really wants to repent, then honesty is the first step. But here is the real reason you need the truth, all of it...

She has lied, betrayed, and concealed. In my case 6 years of multiple affairs. If she cannot or will not admit the whole truth once exposed, then she is still betraying me. In a sense, she is still cheating.

hurtbyher

RWB

That is what I am looking for. To get it all out and put it behind us. I think it will help both of us. Thanks for the replies.

the guy

I also needed to now every detail
It helped me understand everything
In my case I would have never found out how important flirting and "hitting on her" made her fell. I used to think it was corny but thats what cuaght her attention. I never wore colgene but now I do. I have found that I needed to address some issues in my appeance, whitch I now do. There are a few things I do and do not do in bed. The sex aspect of her cheating was more interesting then hurtful. But thats just me.
Plus I now understand that the cheating was not the problem.
Cheating was the end result of a more deeper problem in our marriage. So now that we have rid our marriage of RESENTMENT and and I have stopped dismissing my wife I may have a chance in having a healthy marraige. And more important then appearances, the emotional aspect has do be addressed. Bottom line the OM's were doing things I wasnt, and I wanted to know what that was. Who would of thought listening to my wife was so important.
Its been 7 months and I still want to talk about the affairs. She has been reseptive because that is what I need from her.
As far as her behavior goes, she also has her duties to keep the marriage healty.
We have forgiven each other but we have not forgotten. and by continuing the discussion we have found that may prevent a relaps in our behaviors. Another bottom line, best friends talk and best friend tell each other everything.
I quess I could have left her with out asking why but then I would be doing the same grap too a differant women, and vise verse of.
Please try to discuss the affair with our wife, and I hope she is reseptive and understanding.
How can it get it fixed if its not brought to the shop.