She wants to go find herself...
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-07-2010, 04:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default She wants to go find herself...

Hello everyone, I'm new here but I'm sure it's common for many to arrive first post second. I'm in my late 20's and my wife of 9 months is in her early 20's. It'll be 5 years together in a couple weeks. About 2 weeks ago she revealed her relationship with another man that lasted between a 2 week trip to Central America. I allowed her to go out with friends and experience the life of a 20 something. Sure I had the concern she may get drunk and make a huge mistake, but I didn't want to be her parent. I did those things then found her, I should atleast give her a chance to live a little. Well, the worst happened and it blew me away.

Before the truth came out we faught about our lack of communication and the obvious growing pains of a new marriage. She tried to put it all on me and I accepted it, then tried to change to be a better husband. When the REAL truth came out she turned it into her lack of having time to grow up and find herself. Now, although she wants to try to make it work with counseling, it's apperant that she's laying the groundwork for getting out. I don't want that! I married her for life and believed the same from her.

Now it's nights of fighting or avoiding the fight. I tried to be intimate but she tells me she's broken. She can't see a future with us but I refuse to believe that. A couple years ago we were CRAZY for each other, now her priorities are going out to party with friends. I know deep down she's hurting cause life just punched her in the face. She just finished college, just got married, just moved in. She's always been ambitious but I see this fear in her eyes which is leading her to run away.

What do I do? How can I bring her back to me? How can I explain that she has everything she needs right here? How can I explain without sounding superior, that years of bars and drinking leaves you empty? How can I get my beautiful wife back? How do I fix a broken woman? Thanks
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Old 09-07-2010, 06:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to go find herself...

The more you chase her, the faster she will run. Just be the you she fell in love in. I would tell her that you love her. And that you're filing for divorce. Cut her off financially. letting her "find herself" is better described as "cake eating" She needs to have the shock of not having you there for emotional/financial support. Remember she has lost respect for you. Love cannot live without respect. So respect yourself. Just keep in contact with her. And let her find out what she has lost. It may turn her around. Also be sure to out her to both your family and friends, before she turns everything around on you. She needs to feel their shame in her too. Good luck.
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Old 09-07-2010, 07:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to go find herself...

She may be seeing someone, and that can be big wall in the marriage. so quitly investigate the possibility
Its hard to repair a marriage if a spouse is in the fog. What may be happening is she may be consoling with someone else. It starts with we are just friends and she may be talking about her proplems to some one else- WHEN SHE SHOULD BE TALKING WITH YOU

One of our biggest mistakes some 19 yrs ago was letting my then young wife explore her twenties with out me there.
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Old 09-07-2010, 09:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to go find herself...

She's not ready to be married. If she can't manage to stay faithful for even 9 months, she just has no business in a marriage. I think she's already discovered who she is. Luckily, you did as well before you invested more of your life with her.
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Old 09-08-2010, 08:16 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to go find herself...

No kids? That's an easy one. Get out. You're still young. You can start over.
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Old 09-08-2010, 10:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Let me draw a comparison for you.... My first marriage sounds a lot like yours. I was 22, my husband was 34. Big age difference. We were married for 3 years, that's all. It was short. It was short for a very obvious reason. With our age differences we were in different places in our lives. I was 22 and wanted to go out party, live it up, have a good time. I respected my husband and chose not to do that, but at some point young people want to live it up. My husband didn't do any house work, at all. I had to do it all, work outside the home and then we never went out, not even to dinner. I remember wanting to go to a carnival one day, something seriously simple and he refused to go AND wouldn't let me go. So, eventually it destroyed our marriage. I left and divorced my husband for the very reason your wife is giving you, I wanted to find myself. I felt so incredibly smothered that I couldn't think of anything else to do. And yes I had guys who wanted to go out with me, even if I was married.

This is my suggestion, either let her go (as in divorce) or go out with her and live it up WITH HER. She is probably feeling disconnected from you big time and that is affecting her a LOT. You have to connect with her if you want to stay with her. Which means that while you may have already been there and done that, you should do it again for her and with her.

Oh and I ended up having no respect for my ex-husband. He had an offer for a job back in 94 that would have paid him 80k a year. He didn't want to take it because he didn't think it was a secure job and he had to "take care of me". I wasn't his freaking kid, I was his wife and while I pushed him to take the job over and over again, he didn't take it until AFTER we were divorced. I lost all respect for him during our marriage because of that. My point is this, you need to make sure you are treating her like your wife, not like a kid. She is your equal.
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Old 09-08-2010, 04:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to go find herself...

Ummm thanks for your comments but WOW, does anybody think this marriage can still become something longlasting and wonderful. It's easy to say "walk away" but I've put in 5 years of my life. This woman is the best thing to ever happen to me. I can't imagine finding another as beautiful, smart, funny, sexy as her (sure I could put honest and caring just so you can come back at me with the cheating). Is this a breakup site or a marriage site? I was looking for support and encouragement, am I being foolish?
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Old 09-08-2010, 04:24 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: She wants to go find herself...

Quote:
Originally Posted by f1fan View Post
Ummm thanks for your comments but WOW, does anybody think this marriage can still become something longlasting and wonderful. It's easy to say "walk away" but I've put in 5 years of my life. This woman is the best thing to ever happen to me. I can't imagine finding another as beautiful, smart, funny, sexy as her (sure I could put honest and caring just so you can come back at me with the cheating). Is this a breakup site or a marriage site? I was looking for support and encouragement, am I being foolish?
You have to decide what you want, then stick with it. It sounds as if you want to work it out. It's definitely possible. The main thing is this: you obviously need to find more things you both enjoy doing together. Sometimes, that may mean you do things she wants that you don't enjoy as much, but once you get used to it, you end up enjoying the time around your spouse. I'd recommend reading His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley. Sit and read it together if possible and discuss it.
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