Wife had an affair and say's she loves me but not in love with me anymore? HELP! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-12-2010, 12:48 PM Thread Starter
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Wife had an affair and say's she loves me but not in love with me anymore? HELP!

Ok where to start... Well my wife has been having an affair for the past 2 months, I just found out about 3 weeks ago. She just started a new job 2 months ago and had been talking to this guy over the phone about the job and then one thing led to another and they started having an affair. It started out as attention and led to physical. This guy is 39 she is 33 and I am 35. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 children. She tells me she loves me but that she is not in love with me right now but that she is trying to find her feelings. I have forgave her and she says she has cut all ties to this guy but she is still working there. I have asked her to quit and she refuses so I feel they are still talking some whether she is still in the affair or that she is trying to cut the ties I don't know, she says she doesn't want to hurt him even though he has nearly destroyed our marriage.

The reason this all happened was the fact I didn't show her the attention she needed and I have been verbally abusive and drank for years (not physically abusive though) but I have in the last 3 weeks found God and quit drinking and I have not yelled at her or called her names since, I have God on my side now and he gives me strength. She says she is a little freaked out at the change in me but that she had prayed for years for me to change and I have. She says she is trying and that she is trying to find her feelings for me again but I am simply lost and don't know what to do.

I am still living at home and taking care of the kids while she works 3 days per week and we are attending marriage counseling with a Christian Marriage Counseler who says we could have a beautiful marriage after we get past all this. We have both admitted to our wrong doings and I feel that is a big step. I pray several times a day for God to help me save my marriage and for him to step in and move in our marriage and give her feelings for me back. The counseler tells me to stay at home but I am not sure what to do. I feel like as long as I am at home I am giving her permission to have an affair. She shows me no affection unless I ask for it, not even hold my hand or a pop kiss. We are still sleeping in the same bed and she asks me to cuddle with her every night to reassure her I am still here. She still says she loves me every time we hang up the phone or part ways. She was madly in love with me for 13 years and ran around like a chicken with her head cut off up until 2 months ago and I noticed a change when this all came about. She says she has feelings for this man because he gave her attention when I didn't and that she has told him she loves him. What do I do? Do I stay at home and work on this like my marriage counseler says and her feelings will eventually come back for me or do we seperate and hopefully with me being gone she will find her feelings for me again? What can I do and how can I get her to find her feelings for me again, she loved me too much to just lose them they have to be "misplaced" right now. She says she is confused really bad right now and is not sure what to do.

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-12-2010, 01:08 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair and say's she loves me but not in love with me anymore? HELP!

"She tells me she loves me but that she is not in love with me right now but that she is trying to find her feelings." Translated, this means she wants to see how this current fling pans out and if it doesn't, she'll need to come back home. You found out about the affair and they allegedly broke it off. You don't determine when a love affair is over. Only they decide that and it has to be for their own reasons.
It does sound like she's trying and she has invested 13 years with you. I'd stay in place and keep trying to prove that my transition is genuine. Maybe she'll decide that whatever she thought she was getting from this other guy, she can get better at home.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-12-2010, 01:14 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair and say's she loves me but not in love with me anymore? HELP!

My wife was teaching at a school and had an EA/PA with her principal. She has told me that she tried to break it off but never really did as long as she was seeing him every day. Even after he changed schools, she would see him at the gym. While the physical side ended, they would still talk and email due to seeing each other occasionally.

Point: As long as there is CONTACT, any contact, an affair is still ongoing.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-12-2010, 01:36 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair and say's she loves me but not in love with me anymore? HELP!

Right now your wife is "having her cake and eating it too". That must stop. She must stop ALL contact with the other man--if not SHE should be asked to move out of the house. Go to the following site for step by step guidance:Seven Steps To Ending An Affair?

I'm assuming your wife is also a Christian. I'm glad to hear you have turned to the Lord for help. So, have you gone to the minister with this problem? As for the other man, is he married?

At this point you really need to read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The author really goes a great job of explaining the entire phrase, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." The book also offers great advice on how to resolve that problem especially when affairs are involved. And even better, it is a Christian based book.

Hang in there!
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-12-2010, 04:22 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair and say's she loves me but not in love with me anymore? HELP!

Here's my theory.

Your wife "broke up" with you. Not too many romances are rekindled after a breakup. The ones that do are ones where time is spent apart and good feelings are rekindled. Bad are supressed, or at least seen as not bad enough to cause a breakup. Feelings come back and couples get back together.

A WIFE breaks up with a husband, however, she is forced to spend every day of her life with that person. Every bad trait is reinforced every day. The resentment grows. The loss of love grows stronger.

It's too late to change yourself for two main reason's:

1 - Sure, you're a different person, but what is there that would make you think she's going to love that new person? She knows a lot of men and doesn't love them. She didn't choose to be with this new person you became. Why would she love him?

2 - Even if she loves this new person. Even if she can see the one she married inside of that new person. That new person is not perfect. ONE relapse. ONE time yelling at her. ONE snide comment. ONE time having a drink too many and it's all back to square 1.

3 - I'll add a third. She's in defensive mode. She lost her love with you once. She's scared to start over with a man she already lost once.

I guess this didn't help. I just wanted to share my theory on why changing yourself isn't an automatic cure. I changed when I realized I was losing my wife. It didn't help.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-12-2010, 04:47 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair and say's she loves me but not in love with me anymore? HELP!

I'm sorry your wife has decided to cheat and you were a drinker for so many years.

It's all well and good that you are a Christian and I don't want to offend you or your beliefs. However, your relationship with God and hers with God at this point hardly have a thing to do with the relationship between you and your wife.

Why do I say this?

Because a relationship with God does not require much to repair compared to that between two flawed people.

So you have to find something, as does your wife, that draws you two closer or just part.

First would be no contact with this man she is screwing.

NOTHING will work until that has ended.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-13-2010, 02:32 PM
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Re: Wife had an affair and say's she loves me but not in love with me anymore? HELP!

Just to echo others. Only option is for her to quit her job for you two to have a chance. If he is there in her life even if it is no longer physical then that is a very real barrier between the two of you that cannot be overcome. She needs to break all contact and go cold turkey on him.

Sounds like for your part you have some big issues to work through. Focus on that as well. Your marriage may not survive and you owe it to yourself to be the best person you can be with or without her.

Good luck
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-23-2010, 05:38 AM
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Re: Wife had an affair and say's she loves me but not in love with me anymore? HELP!

Seperation isn't a bad idea to let both sort things out. You don't have to stay with a two timer. She still loves that guy, and obviously she's having love sickness. There's nothing you can do to change her mind now when she's madly in love. You know your wife.
So if Lord has blessed your marriage with her, even you two go seperated would eventually get together, having beautiful marriage.
I think it's better for you also. So,
'How can I miss you If you never go away?'
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