LilRae

Hi guys. This is my first post. So you know I’m 29 and my boyfriend is 35. This deals with two issues. One: not knowing how to deal with my boyfriend and his ex-wife (who he has kids with) and, Two: gaining trust back in the relationship.

I’ve been with this man for 3.5 years. He has three girls with his ex-wife who he’s been separated from for 5 years (divorced for 2) but they were married for about 8 yrs. When we first met they were both court-ordered not to talk to one another because of harassment on both ends. What girlfriend wouldn’t love the ex literally being out of the picture? Now it’s over. He can now talk to his ex, plan visits to pick up his kids and things like that. My issue is: I never had to deal with “she’s the mother of my kids… I have to talk to her.” I have slight trust issues with him. When we first started dating he made a sign that said I love you with her name on it and put it on the side of the road for her to see. I didn’t know about it till a month later and didn’t even bring it up till a year later and he didn’t have much to say about it. I also caught him cheating on me a year ago by an email I found from another girl. The sound of it was they only kissed. Of course he lied about it then finally admitted to it 2 months ago. Even though he knew I had major issues with this girl she still ended up on his facebook and she comments on his stuff. Those two things right there blew away all trust I ever had for him. Since I have no trust for him I have a tendency to sneak around to see if he’s doing anything behind my back. Like go through his phone or look through papers. Sometimes I do find stuff… Like how he had a personal ad out or another email address.

On Labor Day, he took his kids out and went back to his ex’s place and cooked out “with his kids”. Apparently he and his kids were hanging out on the other side of the yard away from his ex. He told me his oldest daughter sent him a text saying that his youngest said, “Dad was here for a long time today. You think its cause its Labor Day or cause he loves us?” Cute right. The other day I go through his phone. He’s been texting his ex every day for the past two weeks. And even made the dumbest lie by telling me his daughter sent that text when his ex really did. He had NO reason to lie about that. I never said anything about his ex and him talking until 2 days ago. He tried to impress her by telling her he met someone famous when he never did. Seriously??

We got in a fight 2 days ago because I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I thought it was strange that he had to talk to his ex THAT much even if it were about the kids. He says random things to her about the kids to spark a conversation. He said during the fight that he doesn’t love her anymore. Maybe part of it is trust issues. I don’t know how to regain trust.. I googled regaining trust and one thing said it’s a give and take especially if it deals with cheating. As in I have every right to say that I want that girl he messed around with not to be on his facebook and have no contact with her. So I told him about it and he deleted her. How else do you regain trust? How do we better our relationship? I understand it takes time and things have been great up until right now with the ex and stuff. He also said that he thought he was trying to work things out with us. He really has been extremely great.

My one other concern is the ex. I absolutely don’t know how to deal with that. None of my boyfriends ever had kids or were married. Do they really need to text/talk almost every single day? Isn’t there supposed to be boundaries because in all essence she still is an ex, just an ex that he has kids with? To top it off, I still have not met any of his kids… His reason is he’s trying to get a closer relationship with his oldest daughter who is 15. I call it an excuse though. We also don’t live together after 3.5 years. His reason is that I can’t find work but in his mind it’s that I don’t want to work. (Graduated college.. No work at all.. Went back to college while doing some freelance here and there.. Now graduating two months from now.) In my mind I think he’s waiting for the next best thing or his ex.

So my questions or concerns are.. I want us to work out but I have trouble trusting him. I'm not the type who doesn't let him go out alone or anything.. So he goes out with friends and I don't have a problem with it. He done weekend trips without me. No biggie! I try to believe him and most times I do. Then there are times where I question things and it drives me nuts! Isn’t there supposed to be some boundaries between ex’s even if they have kids? How do I deal with my boyfriend and his ex? I don’t know what’s so-called normal or not. And lastly, how do you regain trust in a relationship?

greeneyeddolphin

Honestly, interactions between divorced/broken up parents are not a cut and dried "this is how it should be" kind of thing. For example, my ex and I have not spoken directly to each other in 3 years, but I have a friend who talks to her ex every day to update him on the kids day at school and stuff. It all depends on how things are between them and what's best for the kids.

The fact that you haven't met the kids after 3.5 years together tells me that he's not really looking for permanence with you. My boyfriend met my kids after 3 weeks, because I knew he is it for me. But even before that, if a relationship had lasted long enough, it would have been around 6 mos or a year that someone would have met my kids. If he's keeping you separate from that part of his life after nearly 4 years, then he has no intention of bringing you into it.

With that said, the only way to regain trust is for him to prove he can be trusted.

Lovemykids

Ok I'm 26 with two kids and an ex.... My boyfriend is 38 with 3 kids and an ex!!!! Been with my bf for 3 years live together!! My kids live with us but his don't (we don't have kids together)

my bf NEVER talks to his ex! And if they do they fight! His kids are a little older so they just call and make all plans, etc! However I have to talk to my ex because my kids are 3 & 5.... Are old are your bf kids????

I love my bf with all my heart but me and my ex never had real closure and I'm thinking that's maybe the deal with your bf!!! If there's not closure it's hard to move on!!! Doesn't mean he wants to be with her just that he hasn't 100% learned to move on and let go (if that makes since) I love my boyfriend and want to spend my life with him but I need to learn to fully let go of my past still!!!!!

Although bbq's at her house is weird to me and why didn't you go?

If you don't mind me asking is he flirty with her in texts???
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LilRae

Thanks for the replies. Here I go..

I actually thought that SEVERAL times. It gets to me whenever I think about it. I feel like I'm wasting my time but then I come back to thinking that he did just start bringing me around his dad, sister, brothers and their kids a year ago. My thing is I don't want to push him to have me meet his kids; I want him to WANT me to meet his kids. I have brought it up a few times by bluntly saying, "Am I ever going to meet your kids?" Each time I get the, "I'm trying to get a closer relationship with my oldest first.." That's been going on for a year..


They're 5, 11 and 15.. All girls. My sister has a 13 yr old daughter and her and her boyfriend aren't together anymore. Whenever her dad wants to see her he just calls her. Simple as that. But I do understand everyone does things a little differently.

Ok, so you kind of think the cookout at her place was a little odd? Especially since, from what I hear, they don't get along. I thought maybe it was me going crazy! But still he puts together a huge playground for them.. fixes it.. yadda yadda yadda. Is this him just doing it for the kids or trying to creep back in? This is where I feel there should be a boundary or maybe this is where I have to stop and take a deep breath and TRUST him. I didn't know about the bbq till he got back. His plans were to go take them to the park and out to eat.. but, "She had a grill and I thought it'd be cheaper to cookout.." He says he never goes in the house.. Not even to use the bathroom.

No, the texts don't seem flirty. It's almost like she doesn't care to text him but he always texts her. I could be wrong. He pretended to meet someone famous and texted her all excited.. I mean, c'mon! really?? What's THAT about?! lol

I think you might be right about him not being 100% moved on. I just don't want to be that girl who waiting for this guy she adores while he's waiting for his ex to notice him again... if that makes sense.

Bluh.. I'm go nuts from time to time

Lovemykids

I sent you a private message, but not sure it went thru! Let me know!!!!!
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seeking sanity

The bond between people who have children together is not easily broken. Particularly if there was passion between them. (It sounds like there was.) For many men, giving up the fantasy of intact family is very difficult. He's obviously struggling with his priorities.

Pressuring him to not talk to her, isn't going to help you, tho. She's his children's mother, you're just the girlfriend. For me, when I was separated, it was the same dynamic. I was so angry at my ex wife, didn't trust her, full of hurt and betrayal, but I'd still prioritize her over the woman I was dating.

You should watch out for yourself. There are a lot of ways this could go badly for you.

Lovemykids

Wow!!!!!! You are soooo right!!!!! But how do you know if a man is not 100% over an ex wife???
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lil miss wifey

hi well i think there are to much things that aren't good for your relationship, and the lack of thrust in a relationship doesnt help anything especially when the person isn't doing anything to earn ur thrust back, i think that him not introducing u to his kids are only saying that he doesnt love u much, if he loves u he would want the whole world to know even his kids and after so long 3.5 yrs thats way to long to me, i think u should relax and ask urself if loving him and dealing with all that ur dealing with is all worth it because i dont think the feeling u r getting now will change anytime soon his ex will always be his ex as long as your both together and if this guy isnt communicating with u concerning ur feeling about it in a understandable positive way u better leave, but again the 4 letter word "love" keeps u around, but that would of been to much for me good luck i hope ur life isnt as bad as it sounds .

walla

Just a thought...but are you sure he is really divorced? It sounds to me like he's either not really divorced or is divorced but is still trying to have the intact family as someone else mentioned and hasn't developed proper boundaries with the ex yet. I only say this because it happened to me and some of the things you are saying sound familiar. We are still together and there were obviously some major trust issues to work out and I had to decide if this man was worth my time or not and if I felt we could work it out despite some of the big things we were dealing with.

Some of the things you have mentioned with the personal ads and spending time at exes house are things you will have to figure out if those kinds of things are past and over with. If they are still going on, you have to start with how to deal with those things first or you will not be able to move forward in your relationship and begin building your trust again. Yes, it takes time but it also takes both parties to communicate and for me, I choose to do the hard thing and not snoop around and work on trust again...if something happens where that trust I've worked to build is lost again, I'm out of there!

Regarding the kids, I think it is an individual thing and factors to consider. I personally don't agree with meeting kids too soon. That is obviously not your issue but I have a child too and I don't want my kid to meet someone I am not serious about. Other people have no problem meeting a new boyfriend/girlfriend every few months. I just didn't want people walking in and out of my child's life. I met my boyfriend's kids after two years...for us, things progressed but it was a very slow process because of all the baggage and boudaries he had to deal with extricating himself from his marriage. For us, I'm glad we waited because of all the stuff going on and you don't want to drag them into the drama. However, if this guy has really been divorced for two years and you've been together for 3.5 years, I think that's an issue I would want to discuss with him and figure out how you can progress together in your relationship and a big part of that is bringing the two parts of his life together. If he has no intention of doing that, don't waste any more of your time.

While the kid's needs do need to come first he needs to let you know you are a priority in his life. The ex wife is NOT the priority anymore. Check out "how to survive your boyfriend's divorce" even if he IS divorced, a lot of the same issues apply.

Good luck!