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Why can't men forgive and forget their partners infidelity?

51K views 242 replies 90 participants last post by  illwill 
#1 ·
Why do men seem to have a much harder time emotionally dealing with the knowledge that their girlfriend and/or wife had a physical relationship with another guy and can't let it go and just move on and forgive and forget?
 
#94 ·
I like the posts below for giving insight to forgiveness and think they are worth repeating

By Philat
I think forgiveness means reaching a point where you no longer yearn for some form of repayment for the debt of past infidelity.

I agree with those who say that forgiveness is an action taken by the forgiver for his/her own benefit




[QUOTE]By John Adams
It does mean that the WW is more important than their action

I did not owe her forgiveness, but to move on and back to a good place in your life you have to forgive[/QUOTE]



I also think that Mr. Adam‘s statement about the WW being more important than the action is key to begin a R that may also include staying together as a couple.

I would just add that forgiveness includes taking a loss and not being bitter or revengeful. Successful forgiveness eliminates your emotions from holding you hostage
 
#97 · (Edited)
I have made it clear to my WS that I have not forgiven her. I would love to forgive her but it is not possible right now. She gets that. I have also told her that even if she did an about face and actually became involved in genuine reconciliation that it was no guarantee that I would or could forgive her. But I want to and I think one day I will - I look fwd to that day. The big deal is two pronged: her inaction and that awful truth that she held the henhouse door wide open for that piece of cowardly excrement who masquerades as a human being. These are the two pillars of my anger; I deal with it daily but you know what? I am twice the man I was 10 months ago. I don't take sh!t anymore, I work out - I deal honestly with people.

Yesterday I was at a huge family wedding. Unfortunately one of my brothers, who sat next to me at the reception, decided he was going to be an a-hole. Rather than threaten to tear him apart as I did a year ago when he pushed my buttons I just shrugged my shoulders an ignored him (I felt sorry for him but i wasn't going to play that game). The difference is I can handle it now - I have grown. We hardly exchanged a word all night. On the other side of me was my WS and we have never communicated better. Go figure.
 
#98 ·
Just repackaging what others have already said. Forgiving aside, he can't get past what she did and move on with her because he knows if he did he would cease to be a man. Or at least he wouldn' feel like one. To feel like a man again, to feel good again he needs to move on without her. Then hopefully find a woman who loves him enough to be incapable of humiliating him.

Gender-neutral terms yield the same conclusions I think. The ego or self-concept of the betrayed wife will not recover if she stays with her wayward H IMO. she may feel she can sacrifice a little self respect for the sake of her family, but she'll eventually discover that she cannot/should not have. If there's a difference between the genders on this -- how to respond to infidelity --then this is one where women could learn from men....
 
#101 · (Edited)
Trigger warning....

Of the 4 women I know that have been cheated on, not a single one of them has forgiven. They are all biding their time, gathering their finances together and plan on leaving. As one so aptly put it: "Do you think I want to hear a word coming out of that mouth let alone kiss it knowing where it has been?" Her husband on the other hand thinks he can "nice" his way out of this and doesn't have a clue.

Don't confuse not walking out the door that moment as a sign of forgiveness. Many lay in wait for various reasons.
 
#110 ·
While I'm not a man and not ready to share my story, you tend not to ever forget being cheated on. You may forgive but you certainly will not forget the pain of the betrayal and loss of the marriage you thought you had. That said, I think with hard work from both people, a new and stronger marriage can be made. The marriage before infidelity is dead.
 
#113 ·
I will chime in.. for me I grew up with guys and played many sports and listened to how women were referred to by guys...the nature of the discussion..it is not flattering to the women. I, as with most men, seek out women who, we believe, do not fall into that category. When they do, via affairs, well, for me, I could just hear the guy at work after giving it to my ex after work. He'd be saying to his mates "you would not believe how she does this or that" "her (fill in the body part) was like this" - knowing that the one I loved reduced herself to that status and drew herself into that conversation is too much for me to bear. The poster who talked about men valuing respect highly is true in my case. Such disrespect for me, her, our children, our families, etc. Affairs do not happen in a vacuum. They are open for all to see.

Now I have worked with many women and most when they are involved with man talk about different things - not about the nitty gritty details but about how "nice" the guy was and how "nicely he treated" her. But the guy seducing someone else's wife KNOWS what he is doing, he KNOWS how he'd react if it were HIS wife, but does not care. That is why they hide under the skirts of the man's wife he is messing with. My ex said when she left that she was so afraid of me being violent - I did not know where she was coming from as I was not violent before and did not know what was going on. But now understand why - he knew and she knew what they were doing. In the old days - men were justified to go out and trounce the other guy for harming his family. But now, we are not allowed to, so guys just let it go. For me, to know that my ex
1) disrespected me so badly.
2) deceived me so badly.
3) protected him from me while he was having his way with her.
4) threw her family under the bus for such a POS
5) was talking crap about me while I was out trying to support a family. It is too much to turn one's back on. No one loved their family more than I did but when someone takes a grenade and explodes the family from the inside out - there is nothing left to salvage.
Please note none of what I mentioned does not even touch on the sexual aspects to deal with...these are just the social aspects. Further, when I am out busting my behind to support a family, I would like to know that someone is home keeping it safe. I could never trust that again with her....thus reconciliation is unlikely.
SO these are the reasons I think it is harder for men to forgive. Sorry for the rant.
 
#127 ·
Or they do love them, but are not silly enough to still believe love conquers all. You can love someone but still love yourself enough to know they are not healthy for you.

And if their love for you, still allowed them to cheat, what good is that love?

We all define love in our on way. Mine does not include tolerance of infidelity.
 
#117 ·
There's no problem with infidelity. The problem is with lying, deception, and cheating. Infidelity is not always cheating, but cheating is always infidelity.
 
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#121 ·
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: I hate when others try to tell me that I am not a "real" man because I don't react as they "think" I (and other "real" men) should!!

Real men are also alpha, beta, and run the gamut of the rest of the greek alphabet as well for those wondering!!
 
#133 ·
I don't think men who R after Dday necessarily "tolerate " infidelity. Some take a very firm grip on their spouse and make damn sure their wives never give a repeat performance of cheating.

I honestly do have a hard time respecting men who stay when their WW is not absolutely broken and remorseful.

I don't believe everyone who chooses R actually tolerates being crapped on and make their spouse have very serious repercussions for their behavior.

This is coming from a man who would not R.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#146 ·
I don't think men who R after Dday necessarily "tolerate " infidelity. Some take a very firm grip on their spouse and make damn sure their wives never give a repeat performance of cheating.
And how does one make "damn sure" it never happens again? Sadly, that's just impossible, unless you have her chained up in the basement 24/7.

And how do people who R really know for sure the BS never does it again? They don't. I'm sure there are ones who never do again, but if they're capable of it once, they're capable of it again.

That was a big part of not R'ing for me - I wasn't willing to take that chance with someone who I knew I couldn't trust. I'm unwilling to live life policing my wife so she doesn't spread 'em for another guy. I'd rather be alone.
 
#137 ·
;)over and out illwill! I know the females are scarce in these parts. I'm taking full advantage of the hormonal, sleep deprived mess pass on this one! Like I said, I'm calm (as calm as I can get). Rather than just edit/delete I'm doing a full apology for misunderstanding. We are cool, no and no ill will:p. lame pun I by way of peace offering.
 
#138 · (Edited)
This is my simplified understanding of infidelity…

Passion, Love, Respect, Trust, and Commitment are the basic elements of a relationship.
Passion and Love are from the heart.
Respect, Trust, and Commitment are from the mind.

Singularly, it’s Commitment that’s the binding element. Passion and love rise and fall, therefore cannot be trusted. A family unit requires Commitment, Respect, and Trust; not, Passion or Love.

Within the betrayed, the heart and mind begin an internal war. The heart doesn’t immediately recognize what has happened and won’t believe it. The mind, a logical calculator, sets out to rationalize the imbalances. The mind spends days, months, and years evaluating and reevaluating each detail. The hope is to recover thus ending the torment; rebalance passion, love, respect, trust, and commitment. But it can’t find a way. So it looks to the betrayer for answers. Each new detail, thought, or feeling feeds the cycle.

The heart won’t let go, therefore it drags one where they do not want to go. One begins to become angry with oneself for the compromises they were forced to make. The humiliation it forces them to endure. Friends and family look on with scorn, give advice, or avoid. The mind begins analyzing its own compromises. Self-esteem is chiseled away.

I thought of my prior relationship, at the end, this way. Words by Led Zepplin.

Someone told me there’s a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair. The sea was red and the sky was gray, I wonder how tomorrow could ever follow this day.

Throw me a line if I reach it in time I'll meet you up there where the path runs straight and high. To find a queen without a king they say she plays guitar, cry, and sings. She rides a white mare in the footsteps of dawn. I’m tryin' to find a woman who's never, never, never been born. I’m standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams, Telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

I forgave her and I left because I couldn’t solve the equation and I had to put myself back together. I needed my heart and mind as one again.
 
#143 ·
And these these lyrics from one of my Zep favorites "The Rain Song" will be equally significant for you.

"This is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before. It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom. Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune. Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from time to time.

Talk Talk - I've felt the coldness of my winter
I never thought it would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us. But I know that I love you so

These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall. This is the wonder of devotion - I see the torch we all must hold.

This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall".
 
#144 ·
You obviously haven't been here that long. There's many stories of men who rugswept their WW's affair(s). Its usually their initial response - being in denial.

Then the resentment at having done so builds up over the years.

Anyway, you're a drive-by poster.
 
#152 ·
Get a dog! They never cheat on you and are always happy to see you and please you when you come home (whether you stepped out for 5 seconds or 5 years, a dog doesn't know the difference and is always happy to see you)!
 
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#160 ·
Disagree, as there exist too many accounts of dogs sticking around until they starve themselves to death out of loyalty to their masters whom have died gracefully from age and lived alone. Their love is unconditional, but their basic needs for survival can override all other needs and concerns.
 
#158 ·
Ah, just did some more reading. So basically if you are cheated on and left your WS, you didn't love them enough to stay and be miserable.

However, according to this same person, if you are a walk away wife, as she was, then its different. You do what you gotta do to. Depends on who is doing the leaving I suppose:rolleyes:

Like I said before, consider the source to know not to take their words seriously.
 
#165 ·
For those WS's that strayed outside of the boundaries of their marriage, summarily took to street to seek the thrill of getting themselves a little piece of "strange," greatly under the self-justifying mantra that "a little strange never hurt anybody," those people have my utter and total disrespect!

More especially when they come back in and seemingly wonder exactly why everyone is making such a big deal over their prurient actions!
 
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#170 ·
Everyone deserves forgiveness.
I am going to disagree and say that's strictly a personal preference. People were taught to believe, in my opinion mainly through religion, that everyone deserves forgiveness. Personally, I think it is a gift and should be given ONLY to someone you feel truly deserves the emotion. Sorry, I think there are people that don't. If you want to that's fine, if you don't that's fine as well. The problem is letting either decision eat you up inside. Nope, I've lived, heard and experienced too many examples of either decision eating someone up.
 
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