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Why can't men forgive and forget their partners infidelity?

51K views 242 replies 90 participants last post by  illwill 
#1 ·
Why do men seem to have a much harder time emotionally dealing with the knowledge that their girlfriend and/or wife had a physical relationship with another guy and can't let it go and just move on and forgive and forget?
 
#22 ·
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
 
#54 ·
I agree. WS and I are a little over 1.5 years out since dDay and I'm struggling more now about whether or not to stay together, struggling more now than I have in some time. I just don't know if I can do it. I am bothered by the emotional AND physical aspects of the affair. Someone else mentioned betrayed wives may sometimes not leave due to being afraid of abuse, afraid to be alone, financial reasons, etc. Luckily I don't have any of those issues to contend with and our three children are grown and on their own. My ego is struggling with the idea I could be Plan B, and overall I feel foolish for not kicking him to the curb when this all went down. WS had been doing the work but my ego, doubts, and paranoia about it happening again is starting to win out. At least for now. I love him, it's hard to walk away from 20+ years, but doubts are doubts. My paranoia about it ever happening again has really been an issue lately. This whole thing truly is a s*it sandwich. My attitude also sucks right now....WS got to go out and have his "fun" and I get the fallout. Of course, it's not that cut and dried unless I'm feeling p*ssed off about it..... and I certainly feel a lot of that sometimes.

Sorry for rambling....
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#5 ·
Yeah I don't know if it's that men have a harder time - I think the emotional component to the affair is tougher for women and the physical tougher for men.

Regardless, for me anyway, it boils down to this:

Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who treated me like they were my worst enemy? The one person who I am supposed to be loved by and cherished by and protected by the most treated me more terribly than anyone has in my entire life.

Why would I want to "get over it and move on"? It's seems insane to me.
 
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#15 ·
I don't think this is a gender thing, nor can I speak for other men or women that are betrayed spouses. But for myself the painful thing to accept was the realization that my unwavering loyalty was not actually mutual.

I don't think emotionally dealing with betrayal has anything to do being able to forgive and forget, that would mean that you never expected or gave any loyalty in the first place.
 
#17 ·
Maybe part of it has to do with the level of sacrifice given by the man. Many of us were in the "giver" category in regards to our marriage. When you have given all that you possibly can offer, she treats you as "plan b" and blames your for her betrayal it doesn't leave you with a feeling that she is worth it. This causes very deep resentment in men.

I also agree with the other reasons given.

The part about being admired and special is gone.

Sex is a trigger. It is easier to find a new woman that won't/has not hurt you.

Men that cheat are less attached to the AP, maybe this makes it easier for BWs to R.

Just my thoughts.
 
#18 ·
Maybe part of it has to do with the level of sacrifice given by the man. Many of us were in the "giver" category in regards to our marriage. When you have given all that you possibly can offer, she treats you as "plan b" and blames your for her betrayal it doesn't leave you with a feeling that she is worth it. This causes very deep resentment in men.
Exactly. I gave up myself and the things I love to appease my stbxw. She constantly accused me of cheating our entire 15 years together. I stopped playing music, stopped having friends, stopped living really, to put her at ease (which of course didn't work anyway). And SHE cheated.
 
#26 ·
I think a part of it for males is there is an added stigma [completely wrong and unfair btw] that when a man gets cheated on there must be something wrong with him or that he failed in some way to protect his family. You hear people saying things like "he can't even keep his wife satisfied." or "he must of done something to make her do that." Where as women generally get sympathy and "you deserve better that that girl." supportive network. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule.
 
#27 ·
it's very difficult for both men and women and each has it's own special issues. but some of these issues are different. for men, we deal with the harsh realities that someone else penetrated into our wife's body. Some may have felt discomfort with the more graphic descriptions on this thread but that's the reality. You can hide behind euphemisms like "she slept with someone" but somehow that doesn't describe what some other guy did to the one you love(d).
 
#28 ·
Maybe they expect their wives to have the same standards they have.

In reality, a woman can go out almost every night of the week and pick up a guy if she wanted to, whereas a guy is going to strike out more often than not.

I'm not saying that the guys she picks up is anything to write home about but if she's interested in finding a lonely penis and that's it, she's wont have a hard time at all. Guys on the other hand aren't as lucky.
 
#31 ·
The likely hood that a couple will reconcile if the husband cheats is supposed to be 45%. If the wife cheats the chance they will reconcile is only about 20-25% . The question is that because of the cheater or the one cheated on.
 
#33 ·
Women are emotional cheaters. Often they distance from the H long before the affair begins. The H is not getting sex or affection. Everything is the H's fault.

When the A is discovered it is often the last straw for most men. They have put up with a lot for a long period of time. There is so much damage at this point, it is easier to move on.

The A is the final insult.
 
#44 ·
I think you are close to the mark jim123. My WS has clung to the "you cheated on me" line because I shut her out emotionally. That was my infidelity - emotional betrayal. Great excuse / reason to cheat huh? I have given up trying to get through to her that we both did it to each other, but that we were still under the same roof, raising a family together. She will not concede that she kept me on an emotional and physical drip feed, that she also contributed to the long slow death of our relationship. She will not accept responsibility for cheating; in her opinion it was justified. The last straw alright.
 
#34 ·
Two years out and I can say now I've forgiven my wife now.Very deep EA with
ex hs bf,they never had sex back then,that's why I think he tried so hard.
Maybe because it didn't go physical is why I finally can forgive,they did meet up in
public though.
He was nothing but a facad of what he said he was,he only had one thing in mind.
My wife (CSS) was honest about everything,the TT actually lasted about a half an hour.
What she continues to do for us is outstanding.
So yeah,I can forgive as a man,it can still hurt but she is there for me.
People can fvck up,some deserve forginess,some don't.
Depends on the WS mostly,I see some really WW here who give it everything they
got to make it right.
Some WS's need to learn to forgive themselves also.
They are worth it.
Ah hell...its complicated. :)
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