Found out wife cheated
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-09-2008, 05:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Found out wife cheated

This is hard to talk about but I just found out that my wife cheated and has been cheating for our 16 year marriage. The last guy asked her to marry her and she said yes. She gave me a tap on the sholder one night before we went to bed and told me. The next day she cried for hours and told me she cheated several times prior to this. Here is the twist to the story. I met her during her senior year in high school. She was a rape victim who became pregnant (prior to me meeting her). The guy who raped her was her boyfriend at the time and shortly after he was accused of raping 6 other girls.She never really delt with it and always said that she felt cheap. So after she told me about cheating she spilled her guts. I found that she had 4 affairs in our 16 years.The last was the worst because she told me we were done. I knew that this guy was an a-hole and did not really care about her. My inital goal was not to be with her but to make her realize who and what this guy was.She oppened her eyes and told him she wanted nothing to do with him.Later that day she went and talked to a priest and told him her story.His first thought was that her problems came from being raped so she has been going for counciling now for 4 weeks. She has been talking to a rape crisis center and they beleive that this is all a result of being raped. I did some research and found that women who are raped are typically cheaters because of low self esteem.My concern is that it will happen again even though her counselor says she broke the cycle.My personal problem is that she did this knowing what it would do to me.At this point I am not sure what to do. Do I continue to have faith in her or do I move on.This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. And to answer the question that alot probably think---No I have never cheated on my wife ever since our first date.The problem is that it does go in my head now.
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Old 07-09-2008, 07:31 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Wow! That's a lot to deal with. I don't know which is worse; a spouse that cheats and tells everything or a spouse who cheats and denies everything. I'm dealing with the later. Either way, trust is always going to be an issue. Since a good marriage is based on mutal trust, it's going to be tough. That's good she is getting counseling. Maybe you should find a therapist and work thru your feelings. Are children involved?

Good luck and remember you have friends on the forum.
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Old 07-09-2008, 08:12 AM   #3 (permalink)
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We have 3 children.Ages 18,16,12. I think that I have to give her the benifit of the doubt but trusting her will be impossible.I told her that I will probably never trust her again and she understands that. Her contention is that she was really messed up and when she felt at her lowest she would find someone to talk to.She also said that many times she wanted to hurt men because of what happened to her. The worst problem is going to work and not knowing what she is doing. It has been a month now and I still feel sick and I am emotionally drained. She cries every day and says she is sorry and feels she is on the road to recovery. The sad part is she now realizes how much I do love her but it may be too late.Also she wanted to hurt men and her wish came true. She hurt the one guy who cared about her the most and I am not the guy she wanted to hurt. I need to take some time and think things through.I want to save my mariage but it may be too far gone to save.I really do not think therapy can help me. Maybe in time I will go but for now I need to deal with it on my own. Thanks for the reply.Any women have oppinions on this? I know she has a good side to her and I really do think she is sorry for what happened but it`s like a bullet ---once you pull the triger you have to let it take it`s course. Only God knows what will happen.
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Old 07-09-2008, 08:39 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Therapy is in order for the both of you. You are both dealing with issues that no one should have to deal with. Get counseling as a couple or initially alone to begin to sort this all out. Your marriage has been badly damaged. She is feeling the guilt from that as well as dealing with her awful ordeal. Work with counseling to see where both of you are and if you decide to move forward as a couple prepare for a long and difficult road. Trust can be rebuilt but will take time. As difficult as this may be for you both give her the support she needs to deal with her rape and become a stronger person no matter how this turns out. My best wishes to you both.
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Old 07-09-2008, 08:58 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I guess my main question is as follows. Is it possible that her rape made her do this or is this just an excuse for her guilt. Also is it possible that after 3 sessions with her counselor that she found the answers to why she did things. if I do stay does this give her the green light to continue to do it and blame it on the rape. I know at some point I will need to talk to someone but for now I joined this forum to find out what others think. She swears up and down that she is better and has come to terms with why she did this but it just seems like a 16 years of lying and cheating does not get cured in a month. I feel sick and ashamed of her and sometimes I dont even want to look at her.At the same time I feel sad and hurt for her and want to be there for her.
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Old 07-09-2008, 09:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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No, it is highly unlikely she has cured all her ills with 3 visits to a counselor. Dealing with something like rape and serial infidelity will not be cured short term. She may think things are all better but my guess is she is just scratching the surface. She is probably feeling this way simply because it is finally all out on the table. As far as her using the rape as an excuse for bad behavior is impossible for me to tell. It is possible I suppose but you know her best. Search your experience and intuition for clues to that question.
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Old 07-09-2008, 09:44 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I fully agree with Amplexor.

You do not clear a lifetime of baggage in 3 sessions, or even 3 months of sessions for that matter. There is a distinct difference between a person who wants to deal with, and address an issue, versus someone whose goal is to avoid dealing with it, and sweep it under the rug - because the issue is substantial, difficult and painful. I can't say which category your wife falls into. If she is willing to continue therapy - on her own, or with you, she is at least demonstrating that she values herself, and the relationship she shares with you.

That said, what happened to her is terrible, but what she did to you is equally terrible.
If in your heart, you believe that this thing is only going to continue eating away at your personal dignity, self-respect, and the bond with your wife, again as Amplexor stated, you need to be talking to someone about addressing those concerns, one way or another.
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Old 07-09-2008, 09:45 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks for your input,I do appreciate it. I know that she has been depressed for a long time but I never thought in a million years that she would do this.We would have casual conversations about this topic if it was in a movie or someone we knew. Her oppinion of cheating was the same as mine (atleast on the surface).We both thought it was wrong and disgusting. She told me all the time that she wanted to grow old with me and that she would never cheat because I was all she needed.I told her the same and remained faithfull.I have had many chances to cheat but never did because I respect and love her too much. I guess my gut instinct is that she had to get it out because it was eating at her but I think the chances of it happening again are high. I think she is hiding from reality and she has a real big problem.When I talk about it she listens but says that it`s in the past. Her past is my present and she does not get it. I want to stay with her but I am not sure of 2 things.Can I ever forgive her (probably not) and can I trust her again (probably not). These were the 2 most important parts of my relationship with her and now they are gone. I am not going to leave now because I want this to work so only time will tell. Again thanks for the quick input I need to get this out even to a stranger. At least I am talking.
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Old 07-09-2008, 10:22 AM   #9 (permalink)
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With time forgiveness and trust can return. You are right on to give things time. You are too close to the situation right now and need some distance in order to even start to sort things out. Of course she will state it’s in the past. In her mind it is but she must understand the shock of it all still stings like $@#. You are heading in the right direction here. Good luck.
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Old 07-09-2008, 01:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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People like to say that time eases pain. I do not agree. all that happens is another day/week/month/year goes by with the pain still there.

What does ease pain is what you do with your time going forward.

Do you as a couple and individually deal with the realities of your life together and personal demons one or both of you may have?

Resolving those things is what will ease your pain.
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Old 07-09-2008, 01:56 PM   #11 (permalink)
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MICHZZ,
I think that I understand what caused her to cheat but I also think it is a cop out to have done it.What I mean is that I have had been under tremendous stress and had opportunities but never acted on them because I know what is the right thing to do.We do talk and I know she wants to get better for me.She said that she felt like she was in a dark place and did not know how to get out. She felt like a slave around the house and needed some one to vent to. The last guy was her best friends husband who came over regularly with his wife and I could see how he looked at her. She said that she was not attracted to him but liked to talk to him because he would listen.He would tell her how bad of a guy I am and she listened more and more.After a while she believed it.he told her that she should not talk to me or kiss me in front of him because he would be jealous.I realized there was aproblem when he saw us kissing and became very quiet. I thought it was strange but she said she had no idea what was up with him.He than told her at some point to leave me and proposed to her--she said yes.After she talked to me about it it became clear the type of guy he was.She later found that he did the same thing a few years back to another one of his wifes friends.Me and my wife talked more and she cried and told me about the others. She said that every time she either kissed another man or had sex she felt more and more self hatred.She went to see a priest because she was sucidal. He convinced her to get help from a rape crisi center and she did.Even though I am pissed,depressed,feel betrayed,heart torn,and everything else that gioes along with it I know what she too is going through. One part of me says run for the hills but the other says give her time to get better and than worry about myself. For me the bottom line is self controll and self respect. Regardless of what she went through she still made a conscious decession to cheat and now my missery is a product of her actions. She hurt me deeply and scared me for life but I am still willing to help her first and than help us later.
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Old 07-10-2008, 01:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I talked more with my wife last night and she did a lot more crying.She talked a lot about her rape and how it made her feel about herself. She explained that she felt cheap and many times during our marriage she wanted to kill herself. She said that she was self distructing and knew a few years ago she had a problem. She just did not know how to fix it. She realized her problem was her rape. Even though I have a bunch of emotions I also feel alot of pain for her. She said that she never loved any of these guys and did it because she felt dirty,cheap, and useless. Everytime afterward she said she felt sick and discusted with herself and got depper and deeper into what she calls a bad place. She told me that after a few days she would wash it out of her mind and forget about it. This last guy realy messed her up because she was lost and she had figured out her problem at that point. She was scared to talk to me because of everything she had already done so she reached out to him because she viewed him only as a friend. He started to tell her that her problems were because of me and offered to take her out and talk face to face rather than on the phone. He came over one day that she had off and taklked to her at my home and than he kissed her. She says that she backed off and he appoplogized but continued to tell her I was a bad guy. A few days later he came over again and kissed her again but by this time he was telling her and pointing out all of my faults. She started to question my love for her and ended up kissing him back. You all know what happens next or I would not be in this forum. This guy went as far as to tell her things that she later found were absolute B.S. Things like he wanted to camping with her (my favorite thing to do) and his wife said to my wife later that he hates the outdoors. The list goes on and on and on. She swore up and down last night that this will never happen again. She also realizes that our marriage has failed and wants to renew our vows ( we are a long way off from that). I guess I am glad that she has come clean with everything because it will make her better in the long run. The big problem is that I still do not know where I stand. I know I love her but I do not think I can forgive her. I know it sounds cruel but my morals are alot different from her actions. I just hope she gets better because she really is a great person reagdless of what she did. She deserves to be the happiest person she can and this mistake may have cost her her marriage.I hope i`m not overreacting and being unfair.
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Old 07-10-2008, 01:32 PM   #13 (permalink)
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You are not overacting or being unfair. You are hurting from one of the worst things that can happen to a spouse. Your confusion is understandable. Don’t make snap judgments at this time. Take some time to sort out your feelings. The damage has already been done, now is the time to pick up the pieces and evaluate the situation. To continue or not in the marriage is a huge decision. Take your time with that. As far as forgiveness goes I have tremendous faith in the human soul to forgive others. With time and effort on both your parts forgiveness in your heart can come to you too. Bless.
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Old 07-10-2008, 02:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Amp,
I know I sound like a broken record but what is your honest oppinion of my situation.I want so bad to believe that her cheating was a result of being raped and that when she says that she now understands why she did it she is not just lying to herself. Is it possible that something can make a good person do things out of there charecter or this what she really is or was? I think like anyone who has been cheated on we want and need to protect ourselves from this happening again. I want to be able to treat her with the respect,love and integrity that all womed deserve. I also want her to treat her self with respect. Many people say that more than 50% or marriages will fail.The last thing she aid last night was that I am the most important thing in the world to her.She said that she thinks that in some weird way I was sent to her to help her get through her problems.I know she loves me and is sorry for what she did and now I feel guilty about my emotions.Thanks for listening
Joe
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Old 07-11-2008, 06:43 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Contact the OM wife and reveal to her what happened between her husband and your wife. The reason is two fold, to stop him from ever trying to restart the affair with your wife and to help his wife by either dumping his sorry a** or keep him on a short leash to prevent him from doing this to another marriage (he has had two affairs with married women, remember?). Most married OM are cowards who drop their married OW like a hot potato after the affair is revealed.

You MUST take care of yourself mentally by seeking counseling and physically by avoiding alcohol, eating right, drinking plenty of water, exercising and getting plenty of sleep. The latter is extremely difficult (believe me I know) but if you must go to a physician to give you a prescription for a sleep medication, DO IT. Remember that your wellbeing affects your children and you have a responsibility to yourself and them to take care of yourself.

Now as far as the fate of your marriage is concerned, the only thing I can tell you is to make no rash decisions for at least a year after d-day (the day you found out about your wife's affair(s)). The purpose of this is so that no matter what decision you make, recovery or divorce, you will be doing it based on a realistic assessment of the situation and not out of a knee jerk emotional reaction which might come back to haunt you. I did this after I discovered my ex-wife's affairs after more than 20 years of marriage. Even though I did divorce my wife, it was the best decision I made regarding the fate of my marriage. Maybe the outcome of your marriage will be different than mine but you will definitely benefit by doing it.

Take care.

Last edited by CantThinkOfAJUserName; 07-11-2008 at 10:00 PM. Reason: to add more comments
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