How do I deal with this anger????

Deb1234 · 09-25-2010, 03:12 AM

I will try to make this short,

Married for 14 years. Year 13, he tells me he has been having cybersex with women for two years (with my webcam no less) and thinks he's going to get arrested for inadvertently talking about underwear with a 14 year old online. He isn't and doesn't and I tell him that if he lies to me anymore or has anymore cybersex with anyone that it's over. Two weeks later, he then lies to me about chatting with an old female friend from high school. I figured something was going on because why lie about nothing?, but tell him to not lie anymore and stay with him.

One year later, I catch him having cybersex again and surfing craigs list for local woman/couples looking for a male one night stand partner. He lies to me about it and I tell him I am divorcing him but will keep things civil because of the kids.
I just found out that three days after I confronted him this last time, he started calling and having hour+ long conversations with the same old female friend from highschool until 2 in the morning and went to her house to "fix her car". He lied to me about this too. Again, why lie when there is nothing to hide?
To top it all off, he's told me that he's believed I've been cheating on him our entire marriage! I have NEVER EVER EVER cheated on him or wanted to and he keeps coming up with these crazy, stupid stories about why he's believed this all these years. How do you prove that you've never done something??

Anyways, I can't take it anymore. Everytime I see him now and every word that comes out of his mouth, I am SO angry! I can't hear him or see him without wanting to say something nasty and hurtful and mean. I don't want to be anywhere near him or to hear anymore of the bullsh** coming out of his mouth but I HAVE TO. We have kids together and they love their father and know nothing of any of this except mom and dad just aren't happy and are divorcing (which is bad enough). How do I put a lid on this? What can I do to relieve some of this anger? I feel like this person has wasted the last three years of my life and I can't stop thinking about how stupid I've been and trying to think of ways or things to say to make him feel the same pain I'm feeling. I know these things won't solve anything but I just can't help it and don't know how to fix this and I need to keep things level for the kids.

Have any of you had similar problems with the anger? Please give me some ideas here...I just don't know how to cope with all of this....

Sorry, this wasn't so short after all.

827Aug · 09-25-2010, 06:34 AM

You aren't alone. I've dealt with major anger issues, as have many others on this forum. It seems to go with the territory. Over the years I tried to suppress the angry--many times to keep "peace". However, that didn't work so well. Through counseling and reading many self help/inspiration books, I think I am finally past the anger. Religion has played a part too.

The best thing to do is identify what is triggering the anger. Then, begin to remove the causes or correct the conditions responsible. Otherwise anger "piles up" until it becomes unbearable. I think you'll see a big change when your unfaithful, lying husband is out of your realm (I'm assuming you have already decided to divorce).

irenesavarese · 09-25-2010, 06:38 AM

There is a reason for your anger and a reason for his behavior and lying about it. For you to move forward in marriage you need to sit down and talk about those reasons.

I suggest that you start writing down everything you are angry about and why.
When you are ready let him know how you feel. Try to express your anger in a calm and collected way.
Invite him to be honest about his feelings, thoughts and actions.
Invite him to focus on himself and not defend himself or attack you back.

When you both focus on self and try to explain how you feel it is easier for the other to actually hear what is being said.
Let me know if this was helpful at all. You can go to my blog and check out the post "Tiger Woods got the divorce - do you have to?" (irenesavarese.com/blog/) Sincerely Irene

Deb1234 · 09-25-2010, 01:45 PM

I don't think that sitting down to talk it over with him will solve anything. I don't know what caused him to do these things and at this point, I don't think it matters. I'm not going to take him back just to be deceived again as I'm sure would happen. I think the thing that pushed me over the edge was his contacting that old highschool friend. I asked him to wait, at least for the sake of the kids, and he waited 3 whole days.

Are there any tricks for this? I know talking these things over it supposed to help, but I have no one to talk to (well, except all of you). My husband was my best friend who I shared everything with and he's the problem. We've just moved out to this area and I feel uncomfortable dumping all of this on any of my new coworkers or anyone else I've just met.

More than anything, I need to learn how to deal with this to spare my children anymore of the pain they are already dealing with. I can't remove the problem since we share these kids together. Should I just continue biting my tongue? Should I buy a secret dartboard with his face on it? A voodoo doll? Is this just something that goes away with time?

Affaircare · 09-25-2010, 07:39 PM

It can go away somewhat in time, especially as you move out or he moves out and the two of you become less and less involved on a daily basis. The less contact with his

B.S. the less angry you'll feel...over time.

For now you are in contact with his baloney every day, so it is reasonable to be angry and grow more angry every day! I would recommend coming here and talking to us about it (if it's a vent, start the post with " *THIS IS A VENT! I AM ONLY RELEASING SOME ANGER AND NEED A SAFE PLACE TO DO SO. THIS IS ONLY A VENT!* "

That way we know it's talking/blowing off steam and you don't really intend to go flatten all his tires or whatever. Also, you may want to start a LiveJournal so you can put down your feelings/thoughts exactly as you feel them (PLEASE password it), or you may want to start a blog that is something like "Sharing my struggles as I try to get through this." It kind of makes no difference if no one reads it, but if someone does...you may make some friends or meet some people who identify.