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Ugh.. Not again..

91K views 262 replies 66 participants last post by  SF-FAN 
#1 ·
This isnt about 'marriage' but, about a relationship. I hope it is OK to post here. I havent been here in a while..

I got back on the horse after taking a while off. I moved to a major city and changed up my life. I have been dating (what I thought was?) a really awesome chick for about 6 months. We live only a few blocks away from each other. She has a lot of friends up here, however, I have only been here for about a year and dont have that many friends yet. We have plans to go to Paris (tickets bought, hotel booked and paid for, etc)

Anyway, everything has been very good up until this last Friday. She had plans to go out with a girlfriend for happy hour, because her friend is moving away, then we were going to meet up around 9. At around 8:45 she texted to say that she was not going to be able to make it to meet me, and that she and her friend were going to go downtown to get a bite to eat and have a few drinks. I only heard from her once more around 10 with her saying how sexy she thought I was, then nothing else that night. In itself, that is not unusual - we both are not big texters if we are with friends. I think its rude if someone is using their phone if they are with me. Problem is - I kind of expected a text good-night, or *something* later that night. Its not that hard to go to the bathroom and send a quick text. I got nothing other than that weird out of nowhere text. Based on past experiences, I was obviously concerned.

The next morning she called (very unusual) and said she got me coffee and wanted to meet up. So we meet up and she tells me that they were out super late, and her girlfriend and a couple of her friends came over, and they partied all night. There were a couple of types of empty beers around. However, she was sketchy on the details as to who came over. This was odd, because she has a TINY apartment. Where did these people stay? I could tell she was super hungover, so I let it go for the time being. We went out and met some of her friends for dinner later, and she recounted the same story to one of her best friends 'she met her girlfriend for drinks, they went out for dinner and she had a steak, and it was great and that her and her friends came over to hang out and they had a sleepover.

The next day, I confronted her about this. I basically said 'listen Im a bit pissed off about friday, what you did was not cool.' As soon as I said that her expression turned to absolute terror. Her eyes went wide, and she looked absolutely freaked. I said 'You bailed on me, then you didnt talk to me any more during the evening. That really didn't make me feel good'. Her expression changed to that of relief. I caught it, completely. Im sure she did not notice. She apologized, and said that sometimes if she goes out for the evening with friends, she doesn't want to use her phone, but that she was sorry. She said that she refuses to change and use her phone when she is with friends. I let it go for the time being. I did not accuse her of anything.

Anyway, this morning I was at her place. I *knew* something was up, and that it was extremely possible she was lying to me. Every red flag was there. She had given me her phone password once before and said she had nothing to hide, she doesn't mind me having it. So... I checked her text messages. There were a lot of text that were not suspicious. However, there was one to a guy: there was only one word from her the friday she was supposedly with her friends: the name of a bar. Then there was a message from him from the night after: 'Hey, Im so tired but you should come over'. She had a written response that she had failed to hit send on: 'Hey, I think that should be a one time thing, I dont want to ruin our friendship'. Needless to say , I was thinking 'wtf'. So I checked the messages from the friend she said she was with, and that friday they cancelled happy hour together.

So: She lied to me about going to happy hour. She lied to me *and a bunch of her friends* about who she was with. She made me feel sort of bad for seeming to 'check up on her'. On top of that, Im thinking she pretty obviously slept with this guy at her apartment, in the bed that her and I sleep in often.

I havent confronted yet - Im sort of freaked. Do I tell her tonight: Im done with you? Or do I go ahead and go to Paris with her, have a good time, and then dump her? Do I confront and then see what she says and play by ear? or do I just brush it under the rug and wait to see if she admits it until after Paris, and if she hasnt yet - bring it up? I dunno.. I really care about her, but my opinion of her has changed dramatically. It took everything I had not to wake her up and say 'F you, its over'. Honestly, I could cancel Paris, lose a few hundred bucks and really screw her over - We are going to Paris to go to her sister's wedding. I could send an email to her Sister and her best friend and tell her the reason we are not going to Paris. However, I need to be sure.

Sorry for the rant.

-
 
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#42 ·
Well..... i guess you know the answer.
I would not cancel the trip, i would go anyway, but without her! Take a friend with you instead, and say to her: a friend of mine, who was cheated on, needs my help....he found out about a lying GF and i realized we had alot in common... sorry .
 
#44 ·
Except that if she has paid for her share, as he stated earlier, he really can't just take away the things she has paid for. He would need to give back the money if he still has it. I could then see this whole episode on Judge Judy as she sues him for ruining her sister's wedding. LOL
 
#43 ·
Cut your losses while you can. She is definitely cheating on you. She is even avoiding talking to others, so may have been doing it for lots longer than you think. Having the name saved in her contacts is a huge red flag, as that means this is someone that she has known for a while and it was not just someone she met that night. Stop being played and move on. Believe me from experience, if she is doing this now, it will only be a matter of time after you are married that she is doing it again.
 
#48 ·
Her remorse is her key. Use my script. If you do soon you may get a relatively easy confession.

Do note a confession would likely give you one thing vs just a blow off: True closure. IE you are sure she cheated and are sure there was nothing to save. I also would not go spy route for this one. Too much effort for too early.
 
#52 ·
You sound like you are slowly talking yourself into what you want things to be rather than what they are. If you give lip service to the cheating and lying and then keep going with her, you're in for trouble down the line, both with her cheating and with your own sense of umbrage about the betrayal. Just saying.

And we have all noticed that she didn't press 'send' on the text turning him down. Did she go over there that night? Or was she with you when she received it?
 
#55 ·
She was with me, in bed that night. She had forgotten press send a few texts (to other friends as well) that day - or there was a service interruption that caused the texts to not be sent. So it is very possible that she hit send, but it just didnt go.
 
#54 ·
jamie323,

This is easy. You two were in an exclusive dating relationship but not married, so there's not legal ties. Just tell her the real truth:

"You were acting weird about Friday. I looked at your phone because you told me you had nothing to hide. I saw that you cancelled the plans with GF and that you told some guy "this has to be a one-time thing" so you lied to me about who you were with and what you were doing. I need someone in my life who will give me 100% of her affection and loyalty, and even knowing my past you gave both to someone else for one night. I do not choose to be with a partner who will do that even once so we are done. I'm sorry you chose to do that as I truly loved you and it hurts, but it is not okay with me. Please leave now and you will not be hearing from me again."

Regarding Paris, it sounds like you paid for your flight and hotel and she paid for hers...so change your flight timing or hotel and just enjoy the trip as a lovely "vacation" on your own terms.
 
#56 ·
You are right.. I am probably trying to whitewash all of this.. From the text messages, and her attitude, it is pretty obvious she had sex with another guy - or at least did something with him to have him asking for more at 2:30 am.

Im going out with a couple of friends tonight, without her. Should I just go dark the rest of the day and night - then confront tomorrow and tell her its over.
 
#59 ·
OK, I walked over to her apartment just now - its just a couple blocks over. I have a key, and needed to get the watch I left there the other day, and a few pieces of clothing. I wanted to be sure I left nothing behind. She has a little computer netbook that she has beside the bed. Ive never looked at it - but I opened it up and looked around. She looks to be clearing her history in the browser, there are no photos or anything on the thing.. However, there are a few documents. The old documents are just stuff.. however:

I opened one document - the latest one - written about 4 months before we met. Its basically like a letter to herself, taking stock of all of the guys in her life, like six of them. One is 'the hot wall street guy' one is 'the construction worker who picked me up' one is the 'horse-hung cokehead' one is 'boyfriend material' and get this.. one is 'the boyfriend'. She names the group of them by one superhero name.

Oh. my. god. I left out names, but I recognize 'the boyfriend' as the last guy she was dating who she found out was on *******.. I recognize one of the names from a guy she said she is friends with..Is this a joke? are these just all the guys she has *ever* been with or was she literally juggling all of these guys on top of a boyfriend? None of those guys is the guy who's number I found on her phone.. have got to get out of this immediately. I feel filthy now. Good lord, I need to go get tested for STDs right. now. I literally ran out of there.

what is wrong with people?!
 
#62 ·
how old are you jamie?

Of the reasons that I would love to be younger, this is one that makes me glad Im at the age that I am. My preception of society with facebook, dating sites that cater to hook ups or even affairs, the way sex is pushed down peoples thoats, the wide availability of ED drugs and the genral acceptance of promiscuity. I dont know how in the hell you are younger guys are suppose to find a girl that DOESNT have a history like your ex's
 
#63 ·
J, we know you are feeling bad over the snooping, but don't. your radar was up because of the way she was acting.

She seems to be really into you, but old habit die hard. So walk man. Just walk after telling her all.
You KNOW what went on !!
She broke a date with you even after her friend canceled to hookup.
Why ?? She wanted this guy for a while an maybe this was her last hoorah before she invest all with you.
You saw the relief. Was it for the trip, or was it for deceiving you ??
I say you, but do YOU think you can get pass this?
Only you can answer that. Cause that 7 yr itch thing seem to be for real man.

Sit her down, tell her you will be going, but not with her. Just tell her you know she lied, you checked, and you can't trust her with your heart.

They say here, never give your source away, but I would tell her exactly how you found out. It may help her hide cheating better in the future, but it wont be with you.

The " one time thing" says it all man.
 
#75 ·
Yup. Im sure there are many guys that both wish and dont wish they could know what their SO's past was like. You do....and fortunately, from what it sounds like, just in time. Do you think you were headed down the marriage road or was that not even an option.

If I havent said already, im super sorry dude. Its stinging a bit now, but 6 months is not THAT bad, and there are way better fish in the sea.
 
#76 ·
Im sure there are many guys that both wish and dont wish they could know what their SO's past was like. You do....and fortunately, from what it sounds like, just in time. Do you think you were headed down the marriage road or was that not even an option.
What he found could have been a detail of only her RECENT past... Sorry, that probably doesn't help.
 
#78 ·
It sounds like you are at least finding things out rather quickly. I am not sure confronting at this point would really be necessary. I am just basing that off what you read in her notebook. If you feel you need some kind of closure sure but it does not sound like she is all that decent of a person in the first place. I bet you will just find more of a headache once you talk to her than she is worth. I do agree with the other opinion on the trip. I would just schedule it for another time and go have a blast.

I am really sorry you are going through this.

Clay
 
#79 ·
heh.. she just texted me saying that there is a ski trip this weekend arranged by work - but there is only one spot open. Its interesting, because we had spoken about this ski trip last month, and she invited me. There was one last month, she went without me then as well.

I wonder if this is where she met that guy.
 
#85 ·
Yes, Im going out tonight and wont see her until tomorrow at a social event with her friends. I actually have met a LOT of her friends. She has been very welcoming of me into her friend circle. All of her friends really like me, and hated her ex because he was a jealous cheat. So I am thinking I will have to go over to her place early tomorrow and tell her whats up, then I will bid her farewell.
 
#101 ·
I am puzzled about the timeline. If she was out so late, why was the dude trying to get her to come see him at 2am? This was the same night, no?

She also said it was a one time deal, its easy to jump at the sex angle but all you know is she lied about going out with her friend. Exactly when did the friend bail? Was that just before they were to go out? My point is, was this a last minute thing or did she set up a date with a dude and then just lie about it?
 
#102 ·
I guess my concern is that if she is the type to cheat, I question why she would be acting so guilty. LOL, the cheaters we see around here rarely show any guilt at all. They are usually such good liars it takes Sherlock Holmes to catch them!
 
#103 ·
Yep, which is why I called her 'seasoned'. This isn't her first rodeo.
 
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