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Ugh.. Not again..

91K views 262 replies 66 participants last post by  SF-FAN 
#1 ·
This isnt about 'marriage' but, about a relationship. I hope it is OK to post here. I havent been here in a while..

I got back on the horse after taking a while off. I moved to a major city and changed up my life. I have been dating (what I thought was?) a really awesome chick for about 6 months. We live only a few blocks away from each other. She has a lot of friends up here, however, I have only been here for about a year and dont have that many friends yet. We have plans to go to Paris (tickets bought, hotel booked and paid for, etc)

Anyway, everything has been very good up until this last Friday. She had plans to go out with a girlfriend for happy hour, because her friend is moving away, then we were going to meet up around 9. At around 8:45 she texted to say that she was not going to be able to make it to meet me, and that she and her friend were going to go downtown to get a bite to eat and have a few drinks. I only heard from her once more around 10 with her saying how sexy she thought I was, then nothing else that night. In itself, that is not unusual - we both are not big texters if we are with friends. I think its rude if someone is using their phone if they are with me. Problem is - I kind of expected a text good-night, or *something* later that night. Its not that hard to go to the bathroom and send a quick text. I got nothing other than that weird out of nowhere text. Based on past experiences, I was obviously concerned.

The next morning she called (very unusual) and said she got me coffee and wanted to meet up. So we meet up and she tells me that they were out super late, and her girlfriend and a couple of her friends came over, and they partied all night. There were a couple of types of empty beers around. However, she was sketchy on the details as to who came over. This was odd, because she has a TINY apartment. Where did these people stay? I could tell she was super hungover, so I let it go for the time being. We went out and met some of her friends for dinner later, and she recounted the same story to one of her best friends 'she met her girlfriend for drinks, they went out for dinner and she had a steak, and it was great and that her and her friends came over to hang out and they had a sleepover.

The next day, I confronted her about this. I basically said 'listen Im a bit pissed off about friday, what you did was not cool.' As soon as I said that her expression turned to absolute terror. Her eyes went wide, and she looked absolutely freaked. I said 'You bailed on me, then you didnt talk to me any more during the evening. That really didn't make me feel good'. Her expression changed to that of relief. I caught it, completely. Im sure she did not notice. She apologized, and said that sometimes if she goes out for the evening with friends, she doesn't want to use her phone, but that she was sorry. She said that she refuses to change and use her phone when she is with friends. I let it go for the time being. I did not accuse her of anything.

Anyway, this morning I was at her place. I *knew* something was up, and that it was extremely possible she was lying to me. Every red flag was there. She had given me her phone password once before and said she had nothing to hide, she doesn't mind me having it. So... I checked her text messages. There were a lot of text that were not suspicious. However, there was one to a guy: there was only one word from her the friday she was supposedly with her friends: the name of a bar. Then there was a message from him from the night after: 'Hey, Im so tired but you should come over'. She had a written response that she had failed to hit send on: 'Hey, I think that should be a one time thing, I dont want to ruin our friendship'. Needless to say , I was thinking 'wtf'. So I checked the messages from the friend she said she was with, and that friday they cancelled happy hour together.

So: She lied to me about going to happy hour. She lied to me *and a bunch of her friends* about who she was with. She made me feel sort of bad for seeming to 'check up on her'. On top of that, Im thinking she pretty obviously slept with this guy at her apartment, in the bed that her and I sleep in often.

I havent confronted yet - Im sort of freaked. Do I tell her tonight: Im done with you? Or do I go ahead and go to Paris with her, have a good time, and then dump her? Do I confront and then see what she says and play by ear? or do I just brush it under the rug and wait to see if she admits it until after Paris, and if she hasnt yet - bring it up? I dunno.. I really care about her, but my opinion of her has changed dramatically. It took everything I had not to wake her up and say 'F you, its over'. Honestly, I could cancel Paris, lose a few hundred bucks and really screw her over - We are going to Paris to go to her sister's wedding. I could send an email to her Sister and her best friend and tell her the reason we are not going to Paris. However, I need to be sure.

Sorry for the rant.

-
 
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#115 ·
Just look at this

Here you are going through hoops, going through the mincer, just in the last couple of days.

Now clearly and concisely put your head forward a couple of years after you have let this go and understand you will back on this forum opening up probably this thread with yet another two years of treachery deceit lying and betrayal

Yes that will be you. It is a given

Do you understand this ?

You have no kids and you are not in a living situation = You are LUCKY

Now you have cleared that in your head and cleared what has gone on here you need to simply undramatically remove yourself from this, to remove her from your life quickly and surgically like a cancer

No confronts no needing "closure" no demands of the truth (you already know it)

Simply, "It was kinda great while it lasted, but thanks and good luck to whoever you want to grind into the dirt next time, at least it won't be me ..byeee.... " ( It took me a minute to write that line but should only take you about 8 seconds to say it )

Door firmly shut behind you and HHUUUGGGEE sigh of relief for you that you will never have to endure another minute of her vindictive nil respect selfish cheating lying entitled ways

Simple
 
#119 ·
Why worry about the little details. Move on. You have all the details and proof you need. You know the friend cancelled, and then SHE invited the other GUY friend out for a night on the town and brought him (and who knows else, might have been a group thing or her on many, just look at her journal entries) back to her apartment and partied all night. Oh and she blew off her scheduled meeting with you to be with him, and also was sexting you while with him, part of the standard cheater script (checking in with the spouse/BF while lout with the OM).

Now she is texting you with her "good" behavior, something she never did before, and she reacted when you became upset about Friday.

Enough. Point. Set. Match. Game Over!
 
#123 ·
I agree that you should just go dark. There are two reasons to confront her. One, you want to figure out exactly what happened. But that is the action of a man who is married with children. If you're going to blow up your family, then you need to know exactly what happened to see if you can get past it, forgive her, and maintain your family. You don't have that handicap. You can simply stop seeing her.

The second reason to confront is out of a sense of duty. You think it wouldn't be gentlemanly to just stop answering her calls. So, you want to be there for her one last time. You want to give her a shoulder to cry on. You feel like you owe her. But, you don't. You had an arrangement and she broke it. So you're done. It's simple.

You owe her nothing. If you're not mean enough to toy with her guilt, which I would be, then simply stop communicating with her. She'll get the picture. And you save yourself the turmoil of trying to dump her in exactly the right way.

Good luck.
 
#145 ·
I think he will know blameshifting. We shall see.

Give him time to organize his mind. Even if it was not long love. It still hurts like a female dog. Add in the ego shattering effect.
 
#146 ·
:iagree: Wasn't suggesting that he would let her off or accept those excuses, just pointing out that those more than likely were the type of responses he would have gotten to his confrontation. The same "justifications" that all BS get during confrontation, and none of us buy that line of B.S. either. SO in the end, he knew for sure, but never really got an answer or closure, just a bunch of attempted rugsweeping on her part. (Or maybe a tearful breakdown about how it will never happen again and they will have the greatest time in Paris, so he should go so she can prove to him her love. Almost gagged just writing that.)
 
#147 ·
Jamie, really sorry that you are in this situation. I don't really understand the impact of what you found out (or even what you really found out) but you seemed to imply that she was with many boyfriends at the same time - on the face of it, if this was before you that would not necessarily be strange. But you also implied that one of them was meant to be her exclusive ex-bf and that she may have been cheating on him (again not sure if that was after she found out that he had been cheating on her).

In any case, it sounds like the two of you really fell in love and then she goes and does this and I guess the only real thing that I am struggling with, is WHY?

Did you manage to get this question answered ?

Or did you find that there was more to it than what you found ? e.g. had this been going on longer than you thought and/or was this someone she met before you ?

These answers will help you decide what to do next, but on the face of it and from what you have said so far, this would normally be over and you would have luckily had a near miss here.

I hope you can come back and elaborate and maybe we can help.
 
#158 ·
Nowhere on mine. I run Mac. Lol
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#161 ·
Yeah, wonder how the talk went for the OP and his GF. I just can't wrap my mind around it. No matter how many topics I read, how can someone go touch another man/woman when they are in a commited relationship? How can they even enjoy it knowing they are hurting someone else. Just something I will never EVER understand.
 
#164 ·
She sounds like she will end up revealing a background of emotional issues. I hope she doesn't get all emo on him and sucker him into staying in the relationship.
This is an extremely disgusting thing to say. 'pizzed in my puddle'? I actually did love this woman, and of course thought things would be 'different' since we both had such negative experiences with cheating. Her bf of 10 years cheated on her, then the next guy she had a serious relationship with cheated on her.

From the phone records they only got together the one time.. Valentine's day was great, everything was great up until this last friday, when obviously she went out with this guy, and obviously slept with him.

Yes I confronted her yesterday, and no I don't feel like talking about it right now. I will post about it later when I can get my mind right.
Doesn't sound like that happened/will happen...
 
#167 ·
Hi guys, sorry for not responding quicker.. This is just something I would rather just get past instead of talking about it, and reopening the wounds each time I post about it.

I confronted her and said I knew something happened friday, just based on her reactions and actions. I said I just have a feeling that she was not being completely honest with me. I did not tell her that I looked at her phone. She denied it at first, and then she burst out crying, and told me that she was so sorry. She said that she was at the bar she was supposed to meet her girlfriend at, when she cancelled because she was going to be at work late. She sat and had a couple of glasses of wine, and was going to leave when a guy friend of hers called. This was a guy she had known from her previous job, and had kept in casual contact with over the years. She didnt take the call, but he left a message asking if she wanted to get together because he was in town and going to be on the east side.

Needless to say, they met up, had a whole bunch of drinks, she got very drunk - which she admitted was no excuse - and then went back to her place. I basically just stopped her there. I told her that it didnt matter what happened after she met the guy, its the fact that she lied to me about who she was with. I told her that it was despicable that she told me she was with her friend previously, and made it sound like I was kind of a jerk for questioning her in the first place.

She of course said nothing really happened because they were both so drunk by the time they got back to her place. I told her I really didnt care what happened. As I said: it doesnt matter, its the fact that she broke her plans with me to go be with another man, then ignored me the entire night and made me feel miserable for several days.

She showed me her phone, where the guy texted her wanting to get together again the next night. She sent a response that she couldnt see him again, and that it could only be a one time thing.

I told her that I had to go, I left her apartment keys on her table and left her sitting on the couch crying.

Thats the last I talked to her. She called three times, and sent several texts saying she was so sorry, and if I could forgiver her. I have not yet responded.
 
#197 ·
Needless to say, they met up, had a whole bunch of drinks, she got very drunk - which she admitted was no excuse - and then went back to her place.

She of course said nothing really happened because they were both so drunk by the time they got back to her place.

She showed me her phone, where the guy texted her wanting to get together again the next night. She sent a response that she couldnt see him again, and that it could only be a one time thing.

I told her that I had to go, I left her apartment keys on her table and left her sitting on the couch crying.

Thats the last I talked to her. She called three times, and sent several texts saying she was so sorry, and if I could forgiver her. I have not yet responded.
Don't bother responding. She's still lying to you. She says nothing happened because they were too drunk. Then she tells him it can only be a one time thing. :confused: What thing? How can it be a one time thing if no thing happened?

In fact she did have sex with him and probably does genuinely feel terrible. Especially since you both were cheated on. Now she's become the cheater. THAT is what she feels bad about.

At the very least she has bad boundaries and at worst she's a lying cheater so cut your losses and just put her out of your mind and move on. You found her, you'll find someone else.

And I'm so sorry this happened to you.
 
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#169 · (Edited)
Did you at least get your key back, as stated earlier that was one of the reasons for confronting was she had a key to your place and you needed to get it back?
 
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#170 ·
jamie,

I'll say it again. If you had been married for years or had children with her, "maybe" R could be an option. But that's not the case.

You did the right thing. Stay strong and find someone that will be faithful to you. Be thankful that you found this out before you might have married her. In that sense, she did you a favor.

Good luck to you.
 
#171 ·
I would just keep one thing in mind. She had no problem taking him back to her house. She knew when you talked to her something was up. She did not tell you then so that shows she really did not feel remorse. This in itself shows you just how much you really meant to her. Shes probably only sorry she got caught and can't no longer keep you on the leash with the many other men.

I would be proud of the way you handled it and walked away. Your a better person for it. First rule in any relationship is you have to respect yourself first. You showed her that. She clearly has no respect for herself. There are far better women out there.


Clay
 
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