Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Ugh.. Not again..

91K views 262 replies 66 participants last post by  SF-FAN 
#1 ·
This isnt about 'marriage' but, about a relationship. I hope it is OK to post here. I havent been here in a while..

I got back on the horse after taking a while off. I moved to a major city and changed up my life. I have been dating (what I thought was?) a really awesome chick for about 6 months. We live only a few blocks away from each other. She has a lot of friends up here, however, I have only been here for about a year and dont have that many friends yet. We have plans to go to Paris (tickets bought, hotel booked and paid for, etc)

Anyway, everything has been very good up until this last Friday. She had plans to go out with a girlfriend for happy hour, because her friend is moving away, then we were going to meet up around 9. At around 8:45 she texted to say that she was not going to be able to make it to meet me, and that she and her friend were going to go downtown to get a bite to eat and have a few drinks. I only heard from her once more around 10 with her saying how sexy she thought I was, then nothing else that night. In itself, that is not unusual - we both are not big texters if we are with friends. I think its rude if someone is using their phone if they are with me. Problem is - I kind of expected a text good-night, or *something* later that night. Its not that hard to go to the bathroom and send a quick text. I got nothing other than that weird out of nowhere text. Based on past experiences, I was obviously concerned.

The next morning she called (very unusual) and said she got me coffee and wanted to meet up. So we meet up and she tells me that they were out super late, and her girlfriend and a couple of her friends came over, and they partied all night. There were a couple of types of empty beers around. However, she was sketchy on the details as to who came over. This was odd, because she has a TINY apartment. Where did these people stay? I could tell she was super hungover, so I let it go for the time being. We went out and met some of her friends for dinner later, and she recounted the same story to one of her best friends 'she met her girlfriend for drinks, they went out for dinner and she had a steak, and it was great and that her and her friends came over to hang out and they had a sleepover.

The next day, I confronted her about this. I basically said 'listen Im a bit pissed off about friday, what you did was not cool.' As soon as I said that her expression turned to absolute terror. Her eyes went wide, and she looked absolutely freaked. I said 'You bailed on me, then you didnt talk to me any more during the evening. That really didn't make me feel good'. Her expression changed to that of relief. I caught it, completely. Im sure she did not notice. She apologized, and said that sometimes if she goes out for the evening with friends, she doesn't want to use her phone, but that she was sorry. She said that she refuses to change and use her phone when she is with friends. I let it go for the time being. I did not accuse her of anything.

Anyway, this morning I was at her place. I *knew* something was up, and that it was extremely possible she was lying to me. Every red flag was there. She had given me her phone password once before and said she had nothing to hide, she doesn't mind me having it. So... I checked her text messages. There were a lot of text that were not suspicious. However, there was one to a guy: there was only one word from her the friday she was supposedly with her friends: the name of a bar. Then there was a message from him from the night after: 'Hey, Im so tired but you should come over'. She had a written response that she had failed to hit send on: 'Hey, I think that should be a one time thing, I dont want to ruin our friendship'. Needless to say , I was thinking 'wtf'. So I checked the messages from the friend she said she was with, and that friday they cancelled happy hour together.

So: She lied to me about going to happy hour. She lied to me *and a bunch of her friends* about who she was with. She made me feel sort of bad for seeming to 'check up on her'. On top of that, Im thinking she pretty obviously slept with this guy at her apartment, in the bed that her and I sleep in often.

I havent confronted yet - Im sort of freaked. Do I tell her tonight: Im done with you? Or do I go ahead and go to Paris with her, have a good time, and then dump her? Do I confront and then see what she says and play by ear? or do I just brush it under the rug and wait to see if she admits it until after Paris, and if she hasnt yet - bring it up? I dunno.. I really care about her, but my opinion of her has changed dramatically. It took everything I had not to wake her up and say 'F you, its over'. Honestly, I could cancel Paris, lose a few hundred bucks and really screw her over - We are going to Paris to go to her sister's wedding. I could send an email to her Sister and her best friend and tell her the reason we are not going to Paris. However, I need to be sure.

Sorry for the rant.

-
 
See less See more
#172 · (Edited)
Nothing really happened = some kind of sex or an attempt at it. Never mind the lies. Also alone and drunk with another male...

Sad. I guess this one had promise. The "Bright side" is no alimony or child support. There are men who would KILL to be you. Good job. You have closure.

AND CLASS!

I hope it was a one time thing for her and she learned a lesson.

OSF in exclusive relationship = bad juju
 
#175 ·
I don't believe her. I have no reason to. I mean, she showed me her phone voluntarily, and basically told me all of this voluntarily. Sure her phone showed that he called, and she didnt answer. It showed only those couple of texts. It showed that she told him that she did not want to see him again, and that it was a mistake. Does that mean she expected me to just say 'Oh its okay, we all make mistakes' . No. I just told her that I could not believe she would do something like this to me, especially knowing my past. After my last relationship I am basically in a 'one strike, you are out' kind of mood. Its sad as hell, because I thought she was awesome. We clicked, had great, passionate sex, and were on the same wavelength in so much. Its true, people make mistakes. A lie is not a mistake - a lie is deceit.

-
 
#174 ·
You did well, Jamie.

It's been said that dating is a lot like a job interview, the job being wife. When she lied to you to spend time with another man, it's not unlike an interviewee pulling down his pants and taking a massive dump on the interviewer's desk. How many would still be under consideration for the job after that?

Not sure if that analogy is flawed or not, but I've always liked it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: syhoybenden
#176 ·
I would get yourself a STD test soon, as with the lies, cover ups and the netbook findings I would't be wanting to take chances with that sort of thing.

Keep on and you will be fine.
 
  • Like
Reactions: wranglerman
#188 ·
I'm with wranglerman. Drop her and everything to do with her like a hot rock. There's no point in wasting any more time or thought on her or what she did with anyone else.
 
#193 ·
SF IF you read MMSG you would know its just alpha stuff. Its genetic. Cupid dot com found women only thought 20% of men were attractive. That is who is chased hardest. It just is. I know a guy who is a MAJOR looks player... bedded ~1000 women. Has had exactly 1 relationship and he is pushing 30. We joke he will be the next actor for the worlds most interesting man.

The second part is VERY few men can fake the alpha part worth a darn. IE you can move the ball down the field 20 yards toward alpha a bit but if you are at the far side 10 yard line, the odds of a touchdown are remote.
 
#194 ·
Just very bitter right now. Seems like cheating is just easier than commitment. Seems like if a person in a relationship has a chance of doing something with another partner and not getting caught, they take it. Sometimes I wish I was the cheater and not the person cheated on. Seems like they move one easier.
 
#198 ·
OSF = Opposite Sex Friend.

SF, dude, you are so far out there with thinking like that!!!

I can say one thing, if she loves and respects you then she won't cheat, if she looses respect for you and "friend zones" you then it's a given that any Alpha type player will walk in and steal her snatch.

I fouund that it was the case with my W where she had unintentionally "friend zoned" me and had detatched from our marriage that allowed her to form her EA with POSOM, she just didn't realize how or why it had happened. There was a point in our marriage where I had a very close relationship with our employer, we both worked for the same woman, the trouble was that our employer was amidst a bitter separation from her partner in life and the business and I was the rather dashing yard man come builder who was single handedly refurbishing her house, the reason I had a close relationship with her was because you cannot refurbish a house without having meetings and discussions about what the heck is going on with this bathroom, that wall paper, the marble floor I was laying, the lighting and electricity sockets etc, etc,. The bitter separation and my close relationship caused him to spread numerous lies and rumors that I was banging her :eek::eek::eek: God help me NO!!! I was afair proof! But my poor W had to work the horses with ths crap in her ear and one day it got too much and we had a discussion about it and I explained everything to her, she believed me because was telling the truth and she knew it, but it didn't stop her subconsciously detatching from me emotionally as a means of self protection and stpping herself getting hurt by me if it turned out that there was something going on. She didn't want to risk losing me but didnt want me to be in a position where I could hurt her, that I understood, took a long time to find out wheres whys and such but we pieced the puzzle together slowly.

You have no idea how crappy a life it is to be a player, I know a few from periods of my life, they end up miserable and often alone, never allowing atachments of women who might cramp the next tight puzzy.

Hang in there, it really is not such a bad world, just seems like it sometimes.
 
#199 ·
Six months is long enough to fall in love with someone. Sounds like you did fall for her and I do feel for you!! If I was in your shoes, I know exactly what I would do - RUN!! Turn around 180 degrees and don't turn back. A woman doesn't have sex with someone unless she has strong feelings for them - obviously she is into this guy! which means, sorry to say, she is may not be into you as deep as you are into her.

If your into one on one relationships where you don't have to worry about your girl sleeping around and maybe giving you some type of disease - this is definitely not the girl for you and this is a no brainer.

Run away is my vote here. If she really does have strong feelings for you and this really was just a huge mistake on her part - she will not give up on you and will pursue you even once you have turned - and if she gives up quick, this will be the validation of what you suspect.

There is always another scenario here – she may be very insecure and damaged from past relationships and actually self-destructed her relationship with you before you could drop her. I mean she may be just so hurt from past relationships that she has a wall up and will not let herself fall for anyone. But, even if this is the case, I would still stick with what I said before and if she is really into you (walls that one puts up are not real in my opinion), she will not just let you turn from her without a fight.

I will tell you that this did happen to me when was first dating my wife to be some 30 years ago - I came by to see her at her dorm - unannounced, and I drive up to see her getting out of the car of her old boy freind - I confronted her and told her I was done with her and drove off mad - and I really was not going to ever call her again - but, her roommate called me the next day and begged me to call my wife to be as she was crying uncontrollably - I did and found out that the old boyfriend picked her up from the library and just wanted to show her his new car - she did not want to walk home and thought it would not hurt to take a ride with him - never expecting the bad luck of me showing up at the exact time he dropped her off. We have been together now for 30 years now.
 
#201 ·
Six months is long enough to fall in love with someone. Sounds like you did fall for her and I do feel for you!! If I was in your shoes, I know exactly what I would do - RUN!! Turn around 180 degrees and don't turn back. A woman doesn't have sex with someone unless she has strong feelings for them - obviously she is into this guy! which means, sorry to say, she is may not be into you as deep as you are into her.
Yes, run away. Sounds like we are all on board with that. The bolded text, BULL****!!!! Chicks like to **** like anyone else.

Run away is my vote here. If she really does have strong feelings for you and this really was just a huge mistake on her part - she will not give up on you and will pursue you even once you have turned - and if she gives up quick, this will be the validation of what you suspect.
She will, but jamie aint gonna bite. This fish is gone.

There is always another scenario here – she may be very insecure and damaged from past relationships and actually self-destructed her relationship with you before you could drop her. I mean she may be just so hurt from past relationships that she has a wall up and will not let herself fall for anyone. But, even if this is the case, I would still stick with what I said before and if she is really into you (walls that one puts up are not real in my opinion), she will not just let you turn from her without a fight.
Relevance?? People **** over people for all kinds of reasons. When you're the one getting ****ed, do you really care why? When it comes to non-marital relationships, you dont glue vase back together, you go and buy a new one.

I will tell you that this did happen to me when was first dating my wife to be some 30 years ago - I came by to see her at her dorm - unannounced, and I drive up to see her getting out of the car of her old boy freind - I confronted her and told her I was done with her and drove off mad - and I really was not going to ever call her again - but, her roommate called me the next day and begged me to call my wife to be as she was crying uncontrollably - I did and found out that the old boyfriend picked her up from the library and just wanted to show her his new car - she did not want to walk home and thought it would not hurt to take a ride with him - never expecting the bad luck of me showing up at the exact time he dropped her off. We have been together now for 30 years now.
To make this story relevant to jamie, you need to substitute "new car" with "penis", then its the same thing.
 
#202 ·
One last thing jamie - everyone makes "the biggest mistake of their lives". For the lucky, its buying a new house at a 50 year market high. For others, its loosing the best thing that ever happend to them. Make this her biggest mistake. Chances are, she will track your whereabouts for a long as time. Become a ****in alpha bad ass. Ive said it other threads. You may already do these things, I dont know...but if you dont. Workout HARD!!! Eat healthy, dont smoke, drink only on occasion, read lost of books, take some form of self defense training (make it part of your workout regimen), last, if possible, try and make a better than decent living.
Dont get the wrong idea here. The fact is, at some point in the future she will see you or hear about and have 1 of 2 toughts
1) ehhhh...Im glad it didnt work out
2) ****, Im an idiot
 
#213 ·
SF, that is a sweeping statement and you are likely to get dragged down in to a pit of sh*t if you carry on with the train of thought you are currently on.

Time to clean up and move on out and up!
 
#214 ·
I'm a little skewed right now because turns out my bosse's wife was cheating on him too. He just found a valentine's day card his WW was going to send to the OM. They've been married for over 20 yrs.

Also, was just told by my good friend, that his wife left him on Sunday. It's all around me right now. Compounded with the fact that I keep getting ignored even when I am just saying "hello" to someone online, a relationship with a non-cheating woman looks like an impossibility to me right now.:mad:
 
#215 ·
Respectfully.

I BEG TO DIFFER!!!!

I lived with a bad boy player in college. Yes azzholes have HUGE drawing power.

Then again. What my wife pulled pales compared to what SFs wife did and i still have very little unverified trust in my wife 1 year ago this coming Sunday.

SF. Im not gonna tell ya to get over it as much as push thru it. Have you read the thread by whyeme i told ya to read?. He was where you are. You have TO MAKE that outcome happen.
 
#216 ·
Yes I did and that's a great ending! I'm just at the beginning and it feels like I am in a deep hole I need to climb out of. There's no easy way about it. It's like continually living in pain with no clear remedy in sight. Either you lay down and die or take it die by die hoping the pain gets easier to handle. Being on here and venting is a huge help.
 
#227 ·
As soon as you said Feminazi you lost my respect.

People don't ignore the underlying behaviors of people. Basic biology explains but a part of the larger picture.

I've never told that story the way you tell it. I certainly wouldn't include a $20 bill. All it does is make men look foolish and women look like potential *****s. The truth is, a gay guy can get many more penises than I can get and he has his own.
 
#236 ·
No, I leave for Paris on Friday - alone. I got a refund on her ticket and mailed her a check.

She has texted me numerous times, and called as well. Of course she said nothing happened, and she is sorry. However, Im not a dolt. I texted her I knew she was lying even now, and that I could never trust her.
 
#241 ·
Ive got a question - I didnt tell her that I looked at her phone.. she continues to try and contact me. What is the normal reaction when a cheating significant other finds out you looked at their phone? Do they get mad at you for 'messing up the trust' ?
 
#243 ·
What...do...you...care? Had she not been acting in a suspicious manner in the first place, you never would've had a reason to check up on her.

She brought the snooping on herself. Your need for honesty in your life trumps her desire for that kind of privacy. And if she balks at that simply explain to her what she is engaging isn't privacy, but secrecy. And secrecy has no place in a relationship or marriage.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top