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Ugh.. Not again..

91K views 262 replies 66 participants last post by  SF-FAN 
#1 ·
This isnt about 'marriage' but, about a relationship. I hope it is OK to post here. I havent been here in a while..

I got back on the horse after taking a while off. I moved to a major city and changed up my life. I have been dating (what I thought was?) a really awesome chick for about 6 months. We live only a few blocks away from each other. She has a lot of friends up here, however, I have only been here for about a year and dont have that many friends yet. We have plans to go to Paris (tickets bought, hotel booked and paid for, etc)

Anyway, everything has been very good up until this last Friday. She had plans to go out with a girlfriend for happy hour, because her friend is moving away, then we were going to meet up around 9. At around 8:45 she texted to say that she was not going to be able to make it to meet me, and that she and her friend were going to go downtown to get a bite to eat and have a few drinks. I only heard from her once more around 10 with her saying how sexy she thought I was, then nothing else that night. In itself, that is not unusual - we both are not big texters if we are with friends. I think its rude if someone is using their phone if they are with me. Problem is - I kind of expected a text good-night, or *something* later that night. Its not that hard to go to the bathroom and send a quick text. I got nothing other than that weird out of nowhere text. Based on past experiences, I was obviously concerned.

The next morning she called (very unusual) and said she got me coffee and wanted to meet up. So we meet up and she tells me that they were out super late, and her girlfriend and a couple of her friends came over, and they partied all night. There were a couple of types of empty beers around. However, she was sketchy on the details as to who came over. This was odd, because she has a TINY apartment. Where did these people stay? I could tell she was super hungover, so I let it go for the time being. We went out and met some of her friends for dinner later, and she recounted the same story to one of her best friends 'she met her girlfriend for drinks, they went out for dinner and she had a steak, and it was great and that her and her friends came over to hang out and they had a sleepover.

The next day, I confronted her about this. I basically said 'listen Im a bit pissed off about friday, what you did was not cool.' As soon as I said that her expression turned to absolute terror. Her eyes went wide, and she looked absolutely freaked. I said 'You bailed on me, then you didnt talk to me any more during the evening. That really didn't make me feel good'. Her expression changed to that of relief. I caught it, completely. Im sure she did not notice. She apologized, and said that sometimes if she goes out for the evening with friends, she doesn't want to use her phone, but that she was sorry. She said that she refuses to change and use her phone when she is with friends. I let it go for the time being. I did not accuse her of anything.

Anyway, this morning I was at her place. I *knew* something was up, and that it was extremely possible she was lying to me. Every red flag was there. She had given me her phone password once before and said she had nothing to hide, she doesn't mind me having it. So... I checked her text messages. There were a lot of text that were not suspicious. However, there was one to a guy: there was only one word from her the friday she was supposedly with her friends: the name of a bar. Then there was a message from him from the night after: 'Hey, Im so tired but you should come over'. She had a written response that she had failed to hit send on: 'Hey, I think that should be a one time thing, I dont want to ruin our friendship'. Needless to say , I was thinking 'wtf'. So I checked the messages from the friend she said she was with, and that friday they cancelled happy hour together.

So: She lied to me about going to happy hour. She lied to me *and a bunch of her friends* about who she was with. She made me feel sort of bad for seeming to 'check up on her'. On top of that, Im thinking she pretty obviously slept with this guy at her apartment, in the bed that her and I sleep in often.

I havent confronted yet - Im sort of freaked. Do I tell her tonight: Im done with you? Or do I go ahead and go to Paris with her, have a good time, and then dump her? Do I confront and then see what she says and play by ear? or do I just brush it under the rug and wait to see if she admits it until after Paris, and if she hasnt yet - bring it up? I dunno.. I really care about her, but my opinion of her has changed dramatically. It took everything I had not to wake her up and say 'F you, its over'. Honestly, I could cancel Paris, lose a few hundred bucks and really screw her over - We are going to Paris to go to her sister's wedding. I could send an email to her Sister and her best friend and tell her the reason we are not going to Paris. However, I need to be sure.

Sorry for the rant.

-
 
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#6 ·
If non refundable:

Id do the Paris thing then bluff a confession out of her.

"I did not want to wreck the vacation but, Who was he?"

VARs hidden will then catch all the proof you would need as she calls her friends from that night but do you need more and bother?

Better now than after a ring bought.

Sorry.
 
#9 ·
Honestly, I have basically been living the dream. I have an apt. in a great city, and have met a few good people here. I really thought this woman was great, and now things are just screwy. Im not crying over this at all - which might be a sign.

I really should go to Paris.. How do I handle this? Do I confront and ask for the truth? (just saying something like 'in my gut, I feel that you are not telling the truth about Friday'. Do I just get a refund on her ticket and go myself and have fun?

I really hate this, I wish life could be more simple, and that people were more caring an honest. Im beginning to believe that people are just generally no good.
 
#49 · (Edited)
Honestly, I have basically been living the dream. I have an apt. in a great city, and have met a few good people here. I really thought this woman was great, and now things are just screwy. Im not crying over this at all - which might be a sign. Because you're smart enough to know that you don't need a cheater/liar in your life.

I really should go to Paris.. How do I handle this? Do I confront and ask for the truth? (just saying something like 'in my gut, I feel that you are not telling the truth about Friday'. Do I just get a refund on her ticket and go myself and have fun? I totally disagree with taking her to Paris and THEN confronting! Why reward cheating/lying behavior with a trip to Paris? Why confront? Why ask for the truth? She won't tell you the truth! Look, you KNOW the truth! Surely you're not saying that unless she 'confesses' or unless you see him screwing her with your own eyeballs you aren't going to believe it!?! Because, really, you're both grown-ups and you KNOW what happened. The fact that she lies to EVERYONE about her life is a really BIG RED FLAG.

Refund her ticket and let HER worry about getting to Paris by herself (or with BarBoy she's been screwing!) Take YOURSELF to Paris (pay to change flight or seats or hotel)...you may meet some AWESOME people there who are also in love with big-city life! Who knows WHO you might meet (platonic, new best friend, woman of your dreams, totally fun people, etc.)


I really hate this, I wish life could be more simple, and that people were more caring an honest. Im beginning to believe that people are just generally no good.
Have you done any WORK on YOURSELF since your last breakup? If not, then you can't expect to be attracted to new, better, healthier relationships if you're the same old broken you. FIX YOU FIRST. THEN worry about finding a new "forever" love. If you don't, all of your gf's will be like this...they'll just have a new name!

Go ENJOY Paris! As a 57-yo, I'm telling you that you WON'T regret going to Paris and seeing what's there. You WILL regret NOT going to Paris when you had then chance as a young, single footloose young man!

Best wishes in 2014! And, BTW, do go get an STD test THIS WEEK just for your own peace of mind! If major drinking was involved (and it WAS), then chances of responsible condom-usage probably went right out the window!
 
#13 ·
You owe the sister nothing. If you paid for the trip and she is definitely lying to you (more than likely cheating as well or she wouldn't lie), then you shouldn't be the "wallet" in this situation. If you want to go to Paris alone, cancel her ticket and go by yourself, just don't go to the wedding, or cancel it altogether, but there is no reason that you should be making the trip with someone that you can't nor want to trust at this point. She didn't want to spend the other night with you, as she had better options, and you are nothing more than plan b to her, so why would you want to travel to Paris and spend time with her (knowing where you really stand)?

Sorry you are here, but better finding out now than years down the road when maybe kids are involved, shared property, etc and breaking free is much harder to do.
 
#19 ·
Its a bit late for that - she paid for her ticket and half the accommodations. If I wanted to screw her over, I could just cancel her ticket and go myself. (and not tell her until the last minute) However, Im not a mean person.. Although, that thought keeps crossing my mind.
 
#24 ·
Whether you go to Paris or not is up to you - but I would definitely end the relationship before going to Paris and maybe have single rooms (instead of a double) and you not go to the wedding but enjoy the restaurants, museums, markets of Paris.
 
#25 ·
The funny thing about doubt is that it NEVER rests until its gone...and on top of that, i suspect she feels guilty for something....getting on a plane for 8 hours together will not help the situation...i think you need to meet at a quiet place and ask her to be honest with you what happen friday night...that you read her body language and what she was saying did not match what her body was saying ? and then just look at her don't say another word, look at the way she moves her hands around and if she starts to look to the left or stares at you when she speaks...those are markers if she is not being honest.

I truly pray it is not bad for your sake and the sake of your relationship with her.
 
#27 ·
This is just my opinion if I where you knowing what you know about her behavior I would go to pairs with her have some fun wine and dine then go visit the Eiffel tower for a romantic viewing of the city and when she as happy as she can be I would say c'est fini avoir une vie agréable. and walk away.:)
 
#28 ·
Ya, don't go to Paris with her...next thing you know you'll be sweeping it under the rug and back in-love with her cheating azz. Paris is a romantic city, and you don't go there with someone who just cheated on you.

If she paid for her ticket and half the accommodation, cancel your ticket and like someone suggested, go to Vegas with a bro.

This chick is untrustworthy. She's a lying tramp. Don't waste any more time with her. So many more women out there, this one is no good.

Lucky to know who she is early on.
 
#29 ·
Howdy Jamie 323:

At first I thought you two should discuss. But you have and what she’s said does not correlate with what you know. And that “reasonableness” is what people like this count upon. Minimally, she’s not being wholly truthful and that in and of itself is enough.

Consider this a gift, you’re short into the relationship and it’s clear you’re not being dealt with in an entirely honest manner. Pick up and move on now.

I think most who’ve been betrayed were given advance signs which they ignored. “Give the benefit of the doubt,” “Hey it was just a chance thing and nothing happened,” etc, etc. Meh, the cheater will do it again and again – they know they can get away with it.

You know the stichk and so do I. Cash out and walk away, the cards are loaded and the table is dirty.
 
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#31 ·
It hurts BUT
beats hurts+alimony+child support

This is exactly what dating is for.
Vetting a potential partner.

Hint: She failed.

Just find whatever level of confession you need or want to try for.
 
#121 ·
I like this...and I know its easier said than done, op...but I would get satisfaction out of just texting her "I KNOW"...or "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID"...and go dark, cancel your ticket to paris, or change it to vegas and go to vegas

She gave you a gift by the way...she showed you her true self BEFORE marriage when it isnt too late to run...
 
#41 · (Edited)
What is really weird about this whole thing is that I never saw this coming.. We spend almost every day together.. We go out, have fun together, dinner, drinks, staying home, just walking in the park.. Our sex life is amazing - I would say that we have sex 9 out of 10 times we see each other. I have no idea what would cause this to suddenly happen. I told her about my ex, and what she did to me. She knows exactly what happened. She said her ex was a cheat - he was super jealous, yet was cheating with women from ******* while they were together.

There were zero other texts from this guy from friday, but he was saved in her contacts. Just the message with the name of a bar, and then him asking her to come over at 2:30am, and then her un-sent negative response. Was she talking to him and just deleted all the messages? That doesn't make sense - because the most incriminating messages where still there: The name of a bar that I *know*, and him asking for her to come over at 2am However, the messages from her girlfriend were obvious. They canceled the happy hour. Two hours later my GF messaged me and said she was with her girlfriend, and would be out late with her.(the girlfriend who, according to texts, seemed to be canceling her plans) I didn't check call logs, could she have called this girlfriend and made the plans?

What could have happened? Her behavior these last few days indicates a level of guilt that is pretty common with a remorseful person. She called me the next morning as soon as she got up (she never calls) and went to get me coffee..

I didn't mention this before, but last night we were talking about friday,and how I was upset by it.. and she actually started to tear up, before she quickly went to the outside to have a cigarette. Like she didnt want me to see her cry. She came back in, and I could tell she had cried a bit. She disguised the tears as coming from her being upset that people these days have to be so tied to their cell phones and that her other friends have complained about the same thing - her not responding to texts, etc. I have a feeling she was crying because of how miserable she may feel about cheating on me.

I dont feel bad for her, she should feel miserable, if she cheated.. I just dont want to be wrong about this, and tell her to kiss off before being pretty sure. This all seems so incredibly out of character. I have met all of her friends, Im going to meet her parents in a couple of weeks, etc. It really makes zero sense.
 
#45 ·
I'd confront her and start out with asking her to tell you again what she did that night. Catch her in that lie.

Tell her you know that was cancelled. Ask her what she did instead. Ask her how you could believe this next lie, when you saw her and his text messages.

Then you simply say - You lied to me twice, I know you met up with him and there's no way on earth that any rational person would believe you didn't have sex with him - given that. At least I can thank you for revealing to me who you are before we went further with our relationship. I wish you the best.

Then tell her how you've decided to handle the Paris thing.
 
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