i_feel_broken

Hi,

thought I would post an update for those who have followed my story and the last 5 months of my life. if you wish to you can read it here .

My wife has been in touch a few times over the last few weeks and has hinted she is still confused and upset. I haven't got involved like I did in the past. I didn't want to be drawn back into anything. I have been playing a sort of Plan B with hints of Plan A I guess. I haven't been going out of my way to text her etc with nice stuff, I have just been getting on with my stuff and been doing pretty well and then treating her nicely when our paths cross and asking questions about her health etc.

I will make this a fairly short post - On Sunday my wife got in touch and said she would love to talk to me and can she come over on Monday night (OM works away at the beginning of the week). A few texts went back and forth and a bit of minor flirting. I asked if she wanted to stay over and she said yes if that was okay. Anyway she stayed last night, she said she loves me and OM has shown his true colours, She is very scared and ashamed, bla bla bla. Basically it seems the affair fog is lifting faster than expected, he has got cross that she is leaving early from work to pick our son up and going to her therapy appointments. I think she is realising what a mistake she has made and am pretty sure she is seriously thinking about jacking her job in.

She ended up staying over and we slept together and had a great night. It all seems crazy as she is now returning to his house. I know she doesn't really want to and is scared but it is my feelings I am concentrating on.

I now firmly believe that I could get my wife back if I want to, but suddenly I'm not sure. Is this normal?? I have not asked her to come back and am not intending to ask anything of her as I want it to all be her decision but I'm scared it's not the best thing for me. I'm not sure how to explain to my friends, neighbours, family etc that I have taken her back. I will feel foolish. It will be hard to socialise with them all because she and them will feel very uncomfortable. All the paranoid/anxious thoughts and feelings may return.

so confused. I feel happy right now in myself, i'm scared I wanted her back because I couldn't have her... now I can have her I'm not sure I do want her. I can't think straight at all!!!

dblkman

dude you should NOT have slept with her. The pride in yourself should demand nothing less than 100% of her, not just her body. She should NOT have any desire to go back to the OM. You are letting her have her cake and eat it too as chances are you got "sloppy seconds", sorry for being so blunt but I have been in your shoes and know the confusion you are going thru. If she wants to come back and you are fine with that, GREAT! But she MUST remove her self completely from this OM and agree to work on your marriage and go to counseling.

iamnottheonlyone

You are doing fine. You have followed Plan A/Plan B. You knew this day would come. Sleeping with her is not a problem. She will leave the OM. Stay the course. I had typed up a longer post but some how deleted it. Sorry. I expect Affaircare to help out with some firm direction come late morning. She is left coast. I glad you are feelin good. Remember the rollercoaster.

lobokies

well ... everyone should now that "office affair" cannot be long-lasting and does not produce real love. i bet for this. so far, your wife seems to realize that this could be a mistake. but i suggest that you keep go on your way dont think of her to come back.

God Bless You Brother.

jessi

Hi there,
I can totally understand why you are confused, your plan B has let your wife see the affair and the OM for what it is, this is what is suppose to happen, she does seem to be waking up from the fog...
I would suggest you don't get ahead of yourself yet, this is still a rollercoaster ride and will be for a while.....
You tell her that you would be willing to work on your relationship but slowly to make sure it's the right thing for both of you....
She would have to commit to you and only you.....don't worry about everyone else, do what is best for you......
Remember she is confused and will probably flip flop for a while, she is in a relationship with the OM because she loves him otherwise she wouldn't have left you for him........
I know you are confused as well, think long and hard about what you want out of life and if she is the woman you want to spend your life with, can you forgive all that has happened?
Can she be the woman you need?
Don't jump in the fire..........

notreadytoquit

Jessi is right, don't rush into anything. Take it REALLY slow. I am also interested in hearing more how to deal with this part of your post:

"I'm not sure how to explain to my friends, neighbours, family etc that I have taken her back. I will feel foolish. It will be hard to socialise with them all because she and them will feel very uncomfortable. All the paranoid/anxious thoughts and feelings may return."

Good luck!

i_feel_broken

My wife asked me if I was interested in seeing her again and trying to sort the mess out.

I just sent her this :

"hi, i am interested in seeing you again but need time to think as this is a bizzare situation. how is your day going?? you feeling okay about last night?"

and she just sent me this :

"hmmm runnings in with OM about time off yesterday and really don't want to be here with his attitude (and with picky clients) but generally ok. Feeling super cool about last night! You?

I wish we could just carry on from last night, find a lovely little 3 bed house, me get a new job, get rid of our house, book a holiday and get on with our lives. Instead we are where we are but I would like to work towards the former? When are you free over the next week and I will work around that? Glad you do want to see me again."

Mixed feelings about the best course of action. Do I strike while the iron is hot and see her as much as possible, try and relight our relationship and push for everything she mentions she wants?? Or do I back off and tell her she needs to leave him and job and come home before we see each other again??

i_feel_broken

"Can you forgive all that has happened?"

I think i can, I think i can move on. I also think the shock etc has passed and I feel strong and confident. If she did come back I would insist on no contact and if I found out there was contact I have the strength to kick her out as I know I can cope without her. I have been without her now and know it is possible.,

"Can she be the woman you need?"

This is a good question. A lot of her focus is on who looks out for her and who cares for her needs. If she asked me to have her back I would make sure she realises what my needs are and what I expect. I don't want the one-sided relationship we have had for the last couple of years. I need the love and affection of my wife and if I don't get that we are going to have problems. Last night she kissed, held and touched me like she used to when we married. She told me she loved me and was very clingy, it felt like we were in the honeymoon period and I loved it. Just wary about it slipping back..

OhGeesh

FREAKING WEIRD!!! is about all I can say............I wish you the best of luck because I have no advice at all on this.

Do what feels right you are charting your own course. If you can forgive and mostly forget that's all that matters, but your situation is crazy to me from the outside looking in.

jessi

I think you have to ask her to end her relationship with OM first so that is over and done with and noting will be hanging over your heads when you start to re-build.....
I'm not sure her moving home is the right thing to do, what if it doesn't work out between the two of you.....what then, first try to see if you have enough to make it work......
What about the feelings for the OM, you can't ignore that part.....
I'm happy for you and your wife and I hope that she is serious and that she is willing to be the woman that you deserve, don't just take her word, watch her actions, this will tell you the true story of her true feelings, no excuses this time.......
take your time, I can tell you want it like yesterday, but you know what if you want to do it right this time, time is the way of discovering that......

land2634

It seems like the day you have been working toward and hoping for is finally coming. If the concern from your wife about avoiding the OM is genuine, then I think you might already know what you can do. I know AffairCare and TanelornPete will both recommend a No Contact letter, and I have to agree in this case.

From what she said, she seems genuinely willing to find a new job. Use this to your advantage. By working toward these things, you'll be helping to ensure that the relationship you will be building will be a healthy one, not based on lies and deceit.

LilBit35

Gosh....just be careful.....I have been right were you are at for awhile....I love my husband but I do not know if he will ever be able to meet my needs now. He was so selfish when he decided to have a A. He came right back to me when it didnt work out for them either...Dont do anything crazy....if you are seperated begin with dating her! If she doesnt have any place to go help her find one...dont make everything so easy for her...make her realize that it will take work on her part to put the puzzle back togeather. If you jump in this and it isnt over with OM you will only set yourself back she will have control and you need to take that away as far as your heart is concerned. I have started to date my husband again and to be honest is he the same person I married NO but do I love him YES. If there is a chance I am hopeful but please dont rush into something that I dont think she is ready for! If and when it does set in that she is done with him she will go through so many emotions and buddy you better hold on cause you will too! She will miss him and cling to you....you will love that but then she will think of him and push you away...it has only just begun...but please if I am wrong let me know...I would love to hear a relationship that just goes back to being what it was before!

avenrandom

After reading this post I went back and read the twelve pages from your original story. Thank you very much for sharing.

While 45 minutes of reading may not be enough to fully understand your situation, there is one thing that stood out to me. Multiple times you have mentioned "we talked about her finding a new job" etc, and it's good that she mentioned it too, but it still hasn't happened. There are certainly a lot to consider here; Asking for No Contact means that she couldn't work there, but if you want to take it slow, what can she do? I'm willing to bet it sounds like too much to handle for her. It sounds like she isn't willing to make the hard decision at this moment in time, but she does seem aware of it, which is a good sign.

I'd like to commend you on your self restraint however. Multiple times you've mentioned wanting to dive back in when she gives you a glimmer of hope (as with today's post), but each time in your previous thread there was just another day of sadness following. Had you attempted to latch onto the quick fix, you'd have gotten hurt again. Your original question of...
... it is normal. However, you've already got a solution if you can't decide. Like everyone else has said, take it slow. In doing so you not only allow the process of courting to continue longer, which will help rebuild the marriage, but you also over time will be able to answer your own question.

Tanelornpete

Just a few comments:

First, my advice is that you avoid using your feelings as a guide as to what you are going to do. Instead, always work from a pre-established plan of action. Feelings change, and if you use them as your guide, you will be running from one place to another all the time, without direction, and in general will be causing possible damage. Acknowledge the feeling, but then move on with what you should be doing.

Second: if your wife wishes to come back, use the three conditions we always advise:

1) You and your wife write a no contact letter to the Other Man, a letter which you proofread and then you mail.

2) You and your wife agree to complete transparent honesty, revealing all email accounts, phone records, passwords, social networking log-ins, etc.

3) You and your wife commit to working on the marriage.

Keep in mind that until the Other Man is out of contact, very little, if any, work can be done on your marriage. Ending the affair must happen first.

My advice: your wife seeks a new place of employment immediately - taking time off from work, if necessary, to stay completely away from the Other Man. She needs to go through the withdrawals, and continued exposure simply refuels the 'addiction.'

Affaircare

Naturally, I could not possibly agree more with Tanelorn's post. As usual, well-written handsome--straight to the point and right on target!

Second, I noticed you said a few interesting things here:

This is actually a fairly good place for you to be at--it's the recognition that you don't "need" her to live, but you do "choose" her and that is quite different. Speaking from experience, forgiving her does not mean you are reconciled automatically or that you'll forget what occurred, but rather it's a conscious choice to say "I have decided to no longer hold this over her head. She hurt me, but I let go of my desire for punishment or restitution." Some people get stuck in that "punishment and restitution" stage for YEARS! So I agree with you i_feel_broken--I think you are there mentally and emotionally, and I think you can forgive her too.

Actually this is a very common concern for a returning disloyal spouse, and speaking as a recovered one I can say that before she left there were some things occurring that were hurting her deeply. Since she's pretty much just starting to come out of selfish mode now, she's keenly aware that if she does give up OM, she might be returning to "the way things were." Thus I doubt it has even occurred to her yet that you also have no desire to return to "the way things were." She may not yet be aware that she will also have some changing to do!

Thus one of the things I would suggest, as a conjunction to what Tanelorn said, would be to have that discussion with her that you do NOT want to have that same old marriage. I would recommend letting her know that you are willing to build something altogether new and different, and you are willing to acknowledge there are some things you took for granted and need to change...but that you also want something new and different from her. That is to say, you love her for the woman and person she is, but the way it was previous to the affair is not acceptable to you and you have grown enough to know that you would never tolerate being treated that way again.

Now, if she is willing to build a new, healthy marriage giving 100% of her affection and loyalty to you...and you are willing to build a new, healthy marriage giving 100% of your affection and loyalty to her...then you two have a great chance to reconcile and recover!!

And regarding your friends and family--if they have the guts to ask you out loud why you two are back together...you look them right in the eye and say, "I committed to this woman for life and I forgave her for making a mistake. I expect you to treat her as the woman I love. Period!" That should take care of it!

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