I am having a horrible time understanding my situation, coping, and getting my life back together, and moving forward after finding out about affair my wife has had and currently ongoing for almost 2 years.
I have cried, gotten angry, tried to leave, tried to save marriage, gone numb and tried to ignore, I've tried to show how much I want and love my wife to only be shut down fail and be told I'm not trying.
I know I've tried obvious things and easily seen to simply trying to pull myself back together and even just help more to lighten her load since she says she does it all and is the only one on this marriage.
Now I have done things wrong and bad and horrible ( horrible to her I don't see them that bad but pretty bad) and I try to take responsibility for my actions and my doings.
What I'm going crazy over is really understanding what she needs and wants from me to end this affair and truly give us a chance. She has tried many things to show me she wants to save us buy a lot of them time she continues the affair or at least talk to the guy while trying. That doesn't make sense when it kills me so much she's even talking to him but to her that should t matter I should t
Still be able to be there for her and show her my love, be there for her, support her, and do those little things like your looking sexy, surprise her and comfort her when she's breaking down even if it mainly about or related to the other person.
I've been trying so hard to do what she asks of me and wants but I always seem yo fail or not do enough or simply crash trying to the point of I'm so exhausted emotionally and physically it makes everything worse and my self even more confused.
Does anyone have any ideas on where to start from here or what I can do or simple to help me start understanding. A
Anymore information needed or questions please ask Posted via Mobile Device
You need to lawyer up fast and find out what the paternity laws of your state are. In some states, you are responsible for child support for the child if it is born of the marriage, irregardless of who the biological father really is. If that is the case, then you would have to initiate divorce proceedings ASAP.
Does anyone have any iput on why she would be very nice and show signs of trying and carring of me? Why it seems like i am now something she wants and will try to a point but when it seems like it means nothing to me stop?
I might be answer my own question but atleast want to atleast show i am thinking some what clear.
Is it the fact she seems me slipping away/wants to make sure my needs are met some to keep me around?
Does that mean its fake an no way or chance that her trying can become a constant thing to actually change this marriage around?
The best predictor of her future actions is her past behavior. No matter how remorseful she appears, there is absolutely no reason to believe she will change. NONE. Her behavior now is too little too late; even if it is temporarily genuine.
If you truly want to improve your life, you'll follow the advice and divorce her, then get into therapy. No man deserves what you're accepting. You need to understand "why" you have been willing to accept this for so long.
Hypersexuality, fights, wild mood changes, self focus, self harm (cutting) as a coping mechanism, love/hate, pushing away/suddenly reacting to fear of abandonement... another unaware BPDer.
Things can only get worse and worse, trust us. The term "gaslighting" to describe this crazymaking, brainwashing, abusive behavior was originaly baptized by BPD partners. Don't volunteer to be a victim anymore. Acknowledge is power, educate yourself.
Just a little example with solid advice and re direction: My list of hell!
I'm in need of help quick. If anyone has read no more mr nice guy and remembers about nice guys building up until they explode and destroy everything... that's where I'm at and feeling right now.
I know what will help in the long run but I'm seeking anything to help bring me down right now if anyone can advise
Just got back on. Don't do anything stupid and that you will regret. If you can get out of the house. If you are too upset to drive go for a long walk.
No drinking.
Don't explode on her.
Call crisis intervention if you have to talk to someone.
Things will not get better anytime soon so you got to maintain some type of inner peace while things are all a mess.
Im at work now and can talk to couple people here but being a lead means im needed by everyone here for something ontop of that the other lead on my shift is gone today until monday so means more people to need something.
I have only had one beer in almost a month. I have decided myself that drinking is not a good idea for me at all for a good while.
Good news Jarhead, you are going to pull yourself together because there is nowhere but up right now. Either you will divorce your dysfunctional wife or reconcile with her. Divorce will hurt for a period but clearly you can continue in the save vein. Reconciliation can only happen if you wife quits the affair and is remorseful.
Would you like her to straighten up and fly right? Of course. However, the reality is you cannot fix her. She must fix herself. You can start repairing your life by taking care of yourself.
You will get advice on how to do it here. Have you read about the 180?
so have not had a moments time to fully read and respond to post until now.
Lastnight was another confusing and crap night to say the least. 2 hours of sleep and a conversation at 4 am about a situation we needed to adress about a women and dog that has no where else to go and dog will be put down unless the women find a place to go. lots of detail behing this but not alot needed to explain the point of my frutration.
wife is passionite about this dog because she saved it and rehomed it with this women over 2 years ago. ( my wife is very passionate and very strong about saving and showing the good in pit bulls, so am i but in my eyes see the bigger picture of our situation here and now. We also have 3 pits of our own) So i voiced my concerns,
safety of daughter and our dogs since the dog coming into home was not very good with kids when we had him before and only ok with other dogs at the time and my pit is uncut, young and can be aggresive with other males in the house
Not needing someone living here as our life is in shambles
Women has a medical marijuana card and did not want it smoked in the room since my daughter was in the next room and eventhough im one that sees no real harm in weed i still know legal issues can come of it even with the women having a card. lastly that since she is home and takes care of house and is pregnant another person and dog at the house will add more to her load and stress which is nothing but hurting herslef more
Me stating these turned to statments of
-i always point out negative and never offer possible solutions to make things work
-i dont see it as someone in need and has nowhere else to turn and we have means to help
-I dont do anything at the house anyway and she(my wife) does everything and figures out everything so it shouldnt matter to me
-We are suposed to be separated but i keep finding reasons to stay at the house or invite myself over for the night
- she makes it work becuase someone needs her and i shouldnt care
- she always gives ways things could work out or soultions and i point out bad/problems/negative.
Which i returned with
- i point out my concerns because thats what i see first and i was not able to explain or talk before she jumped in with "you always see negative"
- I was staying at the house because of work i had to do at the house, daughters preschool interview today, her dad in town. But why couldnt i jsut come over in the morning like you did last week she asked with a pause then adding o wait you didnt. Which was due to sleeping in past my work start time and because she was leaving to the beach with her friend that morning.
- and im thinking of the family and our home life that is in shambles and i dont feel it is a good idea.
-to her comment of her posative me negative in this situation i attempted to point out that to me, yes im point out bad first, but since i show bad parts and she has soulutions shouldnt that be a good mix to find a compromise and see all side... good marriage/relationship communication..
so i have pulled a conversation from us talking before i left work lastnight that had me blown away and no idea how to take it.
I have changed his name to OM and have colored the text for my texts and hers are plain.
Little back story to how this started. She sent me pictures of baby items off craigslist and i only responded with those are cute or i really like. she responded "sorry i shouldnt be sending you those things"
i returned with no im glad your sharing
her- are you sure?
me- yes
her- why?
me- because it shows to me you value my though and feel comfortable to share things with me
her- i try
everything below is what followed.
Me- i know but a lot lately you have kept in or from me. Idk why if afraid or because it has to do with stuff that might upset me. I just know alot is kept secret from me or at least feels that way
Her-i am alone in all this, between us, between OM and i..am on my own and i don't see anyone really changing it so what am i supposed to do i am too exhausted to fight i am too exhausted to do anything but fu**ing the bare minimum
Me- I understand that there is alot and things are a mess. I'm not asking you to do anything I was just answering your question
Her-and i am answering whatever it was u were saying
Me-OK just seemed angry in it because of "fu**ing" but I know now your not intending it that way
Her-frustration
Me-Yeah I see that.
Her-hard for me
hard cuz i am so angry with you but then never see OM
Me-What do you mean by that? Angry with me but also angry cuz don't see OM?
Her-i guess its like i truly cant trust you even when i try or want to...then i trust OM but he aint even here so its like f*** both of u
Me-I honestly don't know what to say to that
Her-idk its hard for me because i am mad because i wanted this with u but u basically threw up ur hands (i added this now-i didn’t care, promised I would stop chewing to be more fertile to better chances of a baby between us once things got better-she had promised her and him were over as long as we were married-this was after second abortion, but I didn’t stop chewing , so in her eyes it was a slap in the face and I didn’t care enough to do that little thing of stop chewing when she had an abortion for the second time to save our marriage and prove she wanted to save our marriage) then with him he’s just not ****ing here or does not have his **** together, i get he is trying but idk im sick of constantly being the responsible one all the ****ing time
I did not respond after that and it was dropped other than her asking later that night when i got home. and i simply said i never got a chance to fully read her last message because of work and forgot till she just mentioned it. this was because it was 4am and i did not want to talk about it
ok any insight on anything i have posted. or just how i handled the conversation anything please.
i really don't know what to say bc there is no fkin way i'd still be with her carrying the OM's baby. i wouldn't live with that pain. and despite what i said about not drinking, i'd be hitting the bottle hard if that was my situation.
my advice - 180, lawyer up and move her cheating ass out.
she sent you pics of baby stuff? is this for real or are you winding us up? what a cruel, despicable woman.
YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN GREAT ADVICE!!! However, advice alone is not going to get you better because you are the key in you getting better.
The problem is that you are too weak or refuse to take the proper action. We will continue to give you as much support as we can but you are going to have to get stronger and stop being so dependant and allowing yourself to be treated like a door mat! The disrespect that you have allowed is making you weaker by the day.
Jarhead, I have been a BS and have dealt with infidelity. Furthermore, most of the people that have responded you have also been through infidelity either being a BS or a WS.
You said that you have a counselor that you go to. GET back to him/her IMMEDIAYTLY to get some in person help. The bottom line is that nothing is going to change for the better until YOU TAKE SOME RIGHT ACTIONS!!!!
I appreciate your words and I know I am weak and need to step up and I start to but its to the point of I'm strong and get stronger while at work (away from her) then get home all is OK but fall back into submission when faced with me "doing something wrong" and get hitting every word to make me believe that I did do wrong in the situation or since now I did this wrong and it was actually wrong and she has (to me) gone over board on proving I did wrong and making point I did wrong and I should of done this or that. That I can't start to even think my own thoughts. Now I know I'm confessing a lot of lack of being a human and simply giving in because I have no strength left.
I even know I'm trully just almost nothing because I can't pick up and fix myself or get out of this.
I have to put out out there also that I do take all of your help and advice to heart and I'm trying so hard to apply and make the changes needed but somehow I cant seem to keep it changed or apply them when ina situation I should be using what I'm learning.
Crazy to say what came to mind as I wrote that last paragraph was...
My wife saying you keep saying your trying but you don't do anything (and I can't give any examples other than attempting to show I care by little acts like asking how she is doing or trying to lighten her load or even just hug before I leave or simply staying to try and work things out) she will also say I tell you what you need to do( hug me, tell me I'm beautiful, comfort me when I'm crying or upset, defend me, be a part of this family. Etc..) but you never do those things or when you do there at inappropriate times.
I do say I'm trying and there is no huge dramatic change and in a way because she says what she needs and no matter what I try to do or learn to do its not enough and I can't voice or explain what I'm trying.
Sorry voicing what I'm thinking. Sometimes I feel as if I'm the crazy one and all that she says I do wrong is true and doesn't justify cheating but I still feel like all I do is wrong but then I question " how can I really be this bad" there is no way. That's why I'm hear now on this forum.
Your post almost seems unbelievable. I'd say you were a troll but that is only after I have read a lot more on this website. I would be more apt to believe your story if I wasn't armed with the information from this site. For the people that have been here for awhile, it's hard to believe that what your letting happen is actually true.
Honestly, I blindly did a 180 and didn't know what it was. I could have used some pointers. I wish I would have came her first but in the end my dignity is intact.
I personally wouldn't respond to txt with her unless its child related or she talking about fixing your marriage. DO THE 180, your not doing it yet. You have to man up, if your story is true and your not a troll. Don't let that b!itch walk on you. You've been blinded by her bs and you need to wake up and smell reality. Get into IC, do the 180 and get your balls back.
Sadly yes all this is true. And Idk and anyone close to me doereally wish I had come here sooner and I wish I didn't ever give in long long ago and saw the light.
All I know is I pour thoughts and situations out here on hopes with all the backing and information I'm getting I can somehow save myself.
I have never gone into detail like this with anyone ever just bits and pieces. Its helping but also in a way damaging because I see what I have become and allowed.
I honestly have been told its no ones businesses because its between me and my wife and that I'm playing her out as this horrible person that she is not when I talk to people because I don't explain all I have done to make her feel or act or do things.
I even one day had two of her friends confront me about it on Facebook and then ask to come to my work to talk in person. I knew coming to work was not a good idea but said it was OK. What they explained were all things for the most I knew already but one of the things was that my wife was on drugs I didn't believe it and said just that. Also that the other guy was probably at my house. I had not known of him at my house before this night and it inferiayed me. I rushed hone to find house empty hacked into her Facebook to find nothing. I called her and told her to get hone. When she got home I explained the nights events. And it ended up turned into I shouldn't have gone to her friends and I betrayed her and was such a horrible person for this how could I do that. How could I not stand up to these people and tell them she wasn't on drugs and not the horrible mom they said she was. I just listened to what they said and left the discussion for my wife and I to have. Now these people were then kind to spin drama and cause issues but doesn't mean I cant listen and question my wife as I did know she had an affair. The two girls also had one of there moms get into this drama over Facebook and call out my wife for what she was cheating selfish and so on. And the night I found this out I was texting the girls ensuring them I wouldn't tell my wife who said such things to not cause retaliation but I ended up yelling my wife who said it. The situation got angry and ended up woth my wofe trykng to get a no contact order but it failed.
With that story was I out of line and betrayed my wife by allowing them to my work and tell me those things and not defend my wife about things they said I thought were not true? O also my wofes mom agrees i shouldn't have talked to the girls and that I should have defended my wife.
I post stuff like this because how big this event was it has snapped alot of my thinking I deserve all this and I am a horrible person.
jarhead, (I think you should change this name for a start.)
If you are not a troll, then I have so much compassion and anguish for you I just don't know where to start.
Your story seems so unbelievable because you sound like a victim being violently abused, without hope, without self-love, without self-compassion. Yet there you stay, day after day, being violently abused and taking it, almost, dare I say it....willingly??
Stockholm Syndrome anyone? She has you totally caught in her web like thrall, like some sick siren that you cannot break away from even though she could destroy you.
I really fear for you, I fear for you mental, emotional and physical well-being and safety.
I fear for you daughter......I really do.
Please, please get some boundaries around yourself. Protect yourself from this black widow spider, I find it hard to actually call her a woman to be honest.
If you can't do it for yourself, do it for you daughter, she needs a healthy dad, she NEEDS her dad, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS?
Get more help on the ground from someone and stop taking this horrendous abuse by this vicious and sick woman.
I am working on what i need to atleast start moving forward. Staying away again tonight and suprisingly no resistance. but that could be i heard something in a conversation earlyer about how she has asked OM to come over but he is without a job and money and .... idk wasnt listening but he wont come see her. so maybe this is why she didnt fight it and avoided the conversation well avoided compared to what i thought it would come to.
i am thinking of my daughter first and for most. that is what has stopped me from doing things that i should not be doing or wanting to do. she is my saving grace in life i will say that.
trying to find correct papers to print and a layout of my states laws.
also my dad and best friend have pushed hard the past two days to keep me pointed in the right direction even if im not moving that way yet.
i do find is so amazing how even with all the strong feelings against my wife and even the ones i truly see some how i do see her so bad i cant grasp that. cant grasp why i cant simply feel the feelings strangers are showing in all these posts. i know those feelings and understand what is happening to a point ( door mat, convinsing, making me look worse, playing things off) but i cant feel them.
i do find is so amazing how even with all the strong feelings against my wife and even the ones i truly see some how i do see her so bad i cant grasp that. cant grasp why i cant simply feel the feelings strangers are showing in all these posts. i know those feelings and understand what is happening to a point ( door mat, convinsing, making me look worse, playing things off) but i cant feel them.
That is because you are being horrendously ABUSED.
Victims of violent abuse cannot see it and the worse the abuse is the less they can see it for what it is.
You are being mentally tortured. Your daughter could be and probably already is, seriously affected by being in that fetid, damaging atmosphere.
You need some strong support. Please listen to your dad and best friend.
I'm a bit confused also.... so correct me if I'm wrong:
- she has been cheating on you with OM and had a cuople of abortions from him
- SHE IS AGAIN PREGNANT from OM
- she is blamming you because you are not working on R. accusing you
for not rugsweeping and be loveble as if nothing happend
- she is anyways always in contact with OM, but she wants you also...
If all of this is correct, then i do believe that you have a problem... and its not her but YOURSELF!
Do you really need all this for you but most of all for your Daughter?
If you keep thinking to stay with her i do believe that you need to talk with a psychologist..... or give yourself a good slap on your face and wake-up
sorry if i'm harsh and i apologize if what i understood is incorrect.
i will be listening to them more and spending more time with the at the least. i will be trying to finish no more mr nice guy today and continue tomorrow. with my mind set i have today.
It is sad to notice that my sleepless ness somewhat lately is more because at night i have the stronger urge to fight and strength inside to bring myself up and enjoy that peace time while everyone is asleep. I know if i go to bed i will wake up tired from being woken to early and groggy and foggy mind and unable to focus and handle the situation. I just relized this point now.
Also Jack c. you are correct on all points as sad as it is to seem. I say sad because i finally see more and more as i put more and more on this forum and people spell it out again and again. it sinks in i just need to contiune this conversation and forum and start moving forward.
o also harsh is ok i need it and i know it. Worste it will do is make me angry and maybe i can use that to my advantage..
OK, glade to know that you finally see that maybe it's not you with mental problems... soooo just see this mess as what it really is, you dont need to go tresure hunting!
Tell her to not kill another innocent baby, tell her she can go and live a happy life with OM, tell her you dont need her drama anymore and you consider yourself already Divorced.
In a few words tell to go fxxk herself and leave you alone. If you cant find the strenght to do so, stop in the meanwhile anything that a married couple usally do, go dark... concentrate on your well being for the sake of your doughter
My dad has been very hurt by my pain and angry with the way I'm treated and that my wife is doing these things and feels she should be .. ashamed, apologize to him and my mom for having and affair and admit it was wrong, and she should apologize and show remorce to me. I have asked both my dad and mom to stop pushing into the situation and for information from me as I was lost and unable to answer and give answers they wanted. Since then I have come tk my dad telling him what I need and the support I need right now. We will talking more this weekend he also pushes divorce and custody.
Stay on here. Listen to your brother and father. All of this will help you recover yourself from your wife's relentless abuse. She has brainwashed you to believe that your instincts and principles are wrong & that she is a victim.
Nobody agrees with her. Everybody sees her as the one who is in the wrong. You need to keep recognizing this and let it give you the strength to save yourself.
Get the papers in order and work toward your freedom.
She is nuts and is trying hard to take you down with her. She should not be raising children.
I'm not sure if this has been addressed or not, if so forgive me.
Not long ago I finally quit taking all the blame for everything wrong that happened in my marriage to cause my h to ww.
I too started to believe I was a "horrible person." Questioning am I really this bad? ((I'm having my own issues with moving on.))
But this isn't about my situation, it's about yours. I just want to share though how horribly low my life became. I thought I was going crazy, I too crying out for help, and had no where to turn. I stayed living like this close to 2 years.
Finally, finally I reach out to my dr. and was given an anti-depressant. I was not capable of making rational decisions I needed to, as I was so emotional caught up in my h.
I wish I had done so so much earlier, as my brain needed the help in order to help my life.
It not the answer to all, by any means, but when your more emotionally in control of your emotions, one see's and starts to understand what is happening around them & can make sense in a much different stronger way.
-sammy
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