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needing to understand and move forward

42K views 243 replies 47 participants last post by  cool12 
#1 ·
I am having a horrible time understanding my situation, coping, and getting my life back together, and moving forward after finding out about affair my wife has had and currently ongoing for almost 2 years.

I have cried, gotten angry, tried to leave, tried to save marriage, gone numb and tried to ignore, I've tried to show how much I want and love my wife to only be shut down fail and be told I'm not trying.

I know I've tried obvious things and easily seen to simply trying to pull myself back together and even just help more to lighten her load since she says she does it all and is the only one on this marriage.

Now I have done things wrong and bad and horrible ( horrible to her I don't see them that bad but pretty bad) and I try to take responsibility for my actions and my doings.

What I'm going crazy over is really understanding what she needs and wants from me to end this affair and truly give us a chance. She has tried many things to show me she wants to save us buy a lot of them time she continues the affair or at least talk to the guy while trying. That doesn't make sense when it kills me so much she's even talking to him but to her that should t matter I should t
Still be able to be there for her and show her my love, be there for her, support her, and do those little things like your looking sexy, surprise her and comfort her when she's breaking down even if it mainly about or related to the other person.

I've been trying so hard to do what she asks of me and wants but I always seem yo fail or not do enough or simply crash trying to the point of I'm so exhausted emotionally and physically it makes everything worse and my self even more confused.

Does anyone have any ideas on where to start from here or what I can do or simple to help me start understanding. A

Anymore information needed or questions please ask
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#76 ·
Jarhead,

I'm a tough girl but your last few posts almost made me cry. Reading about what you're going through is gut-wrenching.

Your wife sounds like a sadistic person. She is basically stabbing you and then upset at you for bleeding. What's more is that she plays the victim for having gotten your blood on her shirt and expects you to hug, console her and tell her she's beautiful and it's all your fault. This is sick. This is madness.

I don't see any fixing this marriage. Your wife is a serial cheater and very emotionally abusive. Her mother is a real piece of work as well. You've become accustomed to taking the abuse, which is even more heart-wrenching. NOBODY DESERVES to be treated like this.

Right now, you need to create emotional distance between you and your wife so that you can start to process what is actually happening/happened to you. It's like you're in shock after surviving a horrific car accident. Here are some suggestions to help you develop that distance:

  • Stop spending time with your wife. Go to the house, pick up your daughter and take her out to the park, to Chuck E. Cheese, to your dad's place overnight, wherever but that's it. Even better would be to get a parent or a friend to pick her up for you so you don't have to go to the house.
  • When you do talk to your wife, let it only be about: your daughter, bills/housekeeping issues, and eventually court dates. Keep all conversations short and about those three things only. Don't discuss reconciling, her affair, your feelings, her feelings, the dogs etc.
  • Go to the doctors. Get tested for STDs, also discuss going on an anti-depressant medication. Let your doctor know what's going on with your wife and why you're under stress. My doctor was AWESOME to me during that time and helped me with resources I didn't know about and gave me a low-dose A.D.
  • Get a gym membership or buy a home gym. Work out. It relieves stress, is a great anger outlet (you will eventually find your anger if you follow through with all the advice given). You will also look better.
  • Get a hair-cut and buy some new clothes. Improve your appearance.
  • Go out more. Socialize with your friends. Keep in touch with your dad and anyone that supports you, lifts you up and is HEALTHY in your life. Let go of any toxic mutual friends that enable your wife.
  • Continue individual counseling, you may need to change counselors and find one that's knowledgeable about infidelity and doesn't enable it. Many social services agencies offer counseling for free or on a low-income scale. Discuss what's going on with your wife.
  • Log on to Meet Ups. Find an activity or interest that you like and start meeting new people and going out. There are also divorce/separation support groups that you might find useful.
  • Explore some hobbies that you've wanted to try, take a vacation somewhere, or take a course. Either way, DO SOMETHING that is only for you and is completely separate from both your role as a dad and as a husband to your toxic wife. You need to begin reinventing who Jarhead is because the old Jarhead just isn't working out.

180 man.
 
#77 ·
please read below im seeing more and more of flaws in communication she has and how she trys to munipulate.
Example today gave her a hug when her and my daughter came for my break at work. When she left she was upset i didnt seem happy to see her. and she mentioned i didnt give her a hug when i told her i had she made excuse of i only did it beacause i was leaveing not because i wanted to. which i did becase i did. then she returned with well i honesty dont remember it.
saw right through that like WTF.

but below i need assurance i was right or atleast not bad in what i said.

Her- Scared of not having u..ur distancing urself a lot
Her- Ya know i'm scared most of doing this alone and with Addy I knew u were there!

Me-I'm on **** list? With Sean. I'm very sorry your so scared and that i am distant. A lot in my head and I'm filtering a lot but for the bettef

Her- Idk what's even going on

Me- Idk fully either but I know I've tried before but for anything to change in our lives I need to fix my way of thinking and handling life so I am focused on that right now. That doesn't mean no one else matters or I won't be there just more focus on self first. I also know we do need time apart still. Simply to reflect and not cause more fights or hurt not that we intend to do this but I keeps happening

her- Doesn't mean u bail like u are..its not all about u.

Me- Im sorry you feel that I am bailing and that its all about me. I am not bailing and know its not all about me.

Her- It is cuz "I needd to focus on me and get my head straight" then ur not here or don't come home when there's a lot going on at home..when do I get to a break or to breathe or get my **** straitght if it takes doing what ur doing..its bull

her- When can I begin to trust u....

me- I agree when I have stayed at my parents the last few times I didn't come to house before work and that will not be a continuing thing (part of me figuring things out). And yes you need a break to. But you have also had weekends away. We do need the time apart for both of us to clear our heads and get things figured out. Idk best way to have the time apart but in same house unless we do separate things in morning. I'm open for ideas.

Me+ Trust has to be proven and earned back in the marriage

Her- Whatever jared...u have had weekends too addy is rarely with u so whatever idk why I try or even want u here sometimes...gahhh I give up!! U don't control this situation and that's what u are doing u are not "in" this!!

me- Tell me what you want me to do then?
I know this
I need to better myself
I need more time with Addy
I need time apart from us
I need to feel better about myself and get back my self esteem

I know you need time for yourself
you need to be able to ride your horse
You need time away from us
You need to feel better about yourself
You need to enjoy life

Now I know I'm far from perfect and that I have failed big and small many times but I'm not a horrible person and for me to change my perception on life and to be able to love myself again so I can love others I need to do those things I said above. Time apart isn't about me and you its about mW being able to meet my own needs so I don't have to keep feeling like others have to meet those needs so i can be happy. And your needs also are important but each if us need to be happy with ourselves first to be happy in with other relationships
 
#78 · (Edited)
When she left she was upset i didnt seem happy to see her.
Seeing that she's ripped your heart out, it is perfectly normal that you wouldn't be excited to see her but she only thinks of herself. She needs your attention to feel valuable in the moment and it hurts her ego to not have you pawing for her. She ignores how much pain you must be in and only cares about how much affection you're showing.

When she left she was upset i didnt seem happy to see her. and she mentioned i didnt give her a hug when i told her i had she made excuse of i only did it beacause i was leaveing not because i wanted to. which i did becase i did. then she returned with well i honesty dont remember it.
She was dismissing you, damn right she remembers but since you also have a brain of your own, she's forgotten how that incident went down. Claiming that you forgot is an easy way to manipulate because it's very hard for someone else to prove that you actually remembered - nobody is a mind-reader.

Here's my translation if you will:

Her- Scared of not having u..ur distancing urself a lot
Her- Ya know i'm scared most of doing this alone and with Addy I knew u were there!
She's playing the victim and essentially saying,

"Why aren't you paying as much attention to ME? I don't want to have to raise this OTHER MAN'S baby by myself. With our daughter, you were there so I want you to be there for ME and help babysit the OTHER MAN'S baby."

Her- Idk what's even going on
She's again, playing the victim and acting like something is being done TO HER but feigning being clueless as to why.

"Why is this happening to ME? I haven't done anything wrong!"

her- Doesn't mean u bail like u are..its not all about u.
"It's all about ME. You have NO RIGHT TO LEAVE, HOW dare you leave ME."

Her- It is cuz "I needd to focus on me and get my head straight" then ur not here or don't come home when there's a lot going on at home..when do I get to a break or to breathe or get my **** straitght if it takes doing what ur doing..its bull
She is scared of losing her grip on you. Again, all of the focus here is about HER and what SHE wants from you and thinks you should be doing for her. It's selfish.

her- When can I begin to trust u....
This is projection. She is guilty, she is untrustworthy and a cheater. She is inferring you can't be trusted because something inside her knows that she can't be trusted.

It is not just cheaters that do this but nearly all unremorseful cheaters certainly do this. Emotional abusers do this as well and in fact, good people can be guilty of doing it also. We can also project our positive qualities onto others. However, this wasn't positive and when projection, is used in negative ways, it's abusive.

It's a defense mechanism (they project their negative feelings or beliefs about themselves onto you). They'll claim that you possess the negative quality that they in fact possess. It's meant to through you off of balance so you will doubt yourself and your worthiness and wonder where you can improve to be seen as more trustworthy. It's also utter tripe.

me- I agree when I have stayed at my parents the last few times I didn't come to house before work and that will not be a continuing thing (part of me figuring things out). And yes you need a break to. But you have also had weekends away. We do need the time apart for both of us to clear our heads and get things figured out. Idk best way to have the time apart but in same house unless we do separate things in morning. I'm open for ideas.

Me+ Trust has to be proven and earned back in the marriage
Her- Whatever jared...u have had weekends too addy is rarely with u so whatever idk why I try or even want u here sometimes...gahhh I give up!! U don't control this situation and that's what u are doing u are not "in" this!!
This whole quote is manipulation. In the paragraph of yours above, you were asserting good boundaries with her, explaining your stance (good job by the way) and expressing what you need.

She took a big pregnant sh!t on all of that. "Whatever Jared... you have weekends too" is dismissive. She didn't even bother hearing what you said, just ignored your needs and told you that you're wrong.

Then the "idk why I try or even want you here sometimes is out of anger and it's demeaning. It's emotional abuse. She may as well have said, "You're a piece of crap, a burden to me, I don't know why I bother putting up with you. You should feel lucky that I even have you in my life."

She wanted you to fall at her feet, beg for mercy for all of this "wrong" she feels you're doing to her. Again, it's all about her and not you. Then followed up by telling you that you are not in control over it because she is used to being in control of it and of you.
----

Jarhead,

I took a lot of your text, where you spoke to your wife out for a reason. You need to stop explaining yourself to your wife. Your wife doesn't care.

You have good instincts that what she is saying to you is manipulative and abusive. So don't play the crazy game anymore. Just continue to focus on yourself. Your wife won't change because you want her to. She won't change because you change. She will only change when she sees that she is the problem.

Don't hold your breath for that to happen. Don't waste your breath trying to reason her into that happening. She doesn't want to hear it and right now doesn't care. Further, any time you entertain these kind of conversations with her, you are opening yourself up to be abused. That's all she knows. Only some serious psychotherapy, medication and years of introspection can turn her around.

The kicker is that she will have to want to go because she wants to do better and right now she thinks she's faultless and entitled to do and say whatever she wants to you while benefiting from you financially and through affection and validation. To her, you're only good so long as you don't have needs, cater to her and enable her affair.

Just continue working on yourself and keep posting. The more work you do, the more you'll be able to see just how screwed up she is and when you become healthy, raise your self-esteem and gain your self-worth back, you won't want any part of that.
 
#79 ·
Thank you for interpreting can you do the same for this.
Her responces from my last message. I have said nothing and its been an hour

Whatever..u miss the point constantly. U go to work and do **** for u........u never even begin to do anything to be apart of this family and ur responsibilities and guess what I'm gonna be working again on top of it!!
So go ahead and stay gone and "figure urself out" and see if I'm here when u get back
Well see if I can deal with it being about u...this is, ur nor taking care of us ur not here for us!! It goes beyond going to work, its feeling wanted and loved!
U shrug off my attempts
Gahhh u just don't get how much I want u

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#80 · (Edited)
I agree with MT. (great post BTW! :smthumbup:)




Everything the black widow is saying to you is just pure, manipulative, degrading bullsh*t. Sorry I can't bring myself to call her your wife, because she doesn't act like a wife or treat you like her man. Not in any way, shape or form. You are just her whipping boy (to her)


Like MT says, don't get involved in these long, rambling going nowhere traps of hers.

Think of it like a sticky web that you have to extricate yourself from to save your life. Don't let her build anymore of her death web around you.


You sound though like you are improving slightly though in standing up to her, and although you have a way to go. :)
You are doing a great job!
 
#82 ·
me- Tell me what you want me to do then?


WHY are you talking like this to her? Bla Bla Bla Bla!!!
You are asking a woman that has made horrible decisions for years to give you advice?

YOU need to take actions as has been given to you in this thread and by your counselor. Are you talking so that you can avoid taking the right actions?


Nothing is going to change for the better until YOU TAKE SOME RIGHT ACTIONS!!!!

If you are not strong enough to take the right actions then get somebody to help you. I think that you are in danger of becoming a complete mush ball and then you will not even be able to help your daughter.

Stop taking to her and start taking some actions. Talk with her is so very cheap and destructive.

Jarhead, you still have a chance to help yourself and your daughter if you start taking action NOW!!!
 
#84 ·
Im scared i did the wrong thing. whats going to hapen next. i am recieving messages of blindsiding her, she gave up and did everything for me, im selfish, she gave up two babys for me and i didnt respect her.

i told her i asked her for one thing to be faithful and you couldnt. and i cant be the support you want and need while your pregnant with his baby. i cant im dieing insdie. you chose him ebcause i could be enough when i was devistated and i still am.

i told you i needed to better myself and you met that with im being selfish.

i cant be that strong support you need with him in the picture. ive been trying tor ever to be that and its obvious i cant do it.


she responded f you.. i cannot belive you right now. i killed my babys for you and you didnt even respect me at all!!!

see you did make me do that and no u were never going to let it be ok.. i did not fing choose anone i chose you time and time again but i needed to be loved too and wanted to be reminded im cared about too... when do you ever let me sleep or take care of me! i take care of everyone one always.
ur asking me to give 100% when you cant give me 2%
 
#86 ·
u don't even bother to stop chewing!!!! I wanted to fix everything and I killed my baby to. Show you that I would but steven saved my ****ing life and he has saved me when u have not been there and ur telling me to kick someone out of my life, I wouldn't be here without him!!!
Who the hell u been talking to cuz ya know what jared this is bull****...what did I ****ing do to save out marrige!!! What!!! You selfish ass. I kicked steven out of my life and what did u do in return, **** me over time and time again!!


I suggest u ****ing talk to me
 
#90 ·
Her- I had no one absolutely no one and u were supposed to be there u were supposed to protect me and u didn't...what ask I supposed to do!!!!!!!.how do I give everything to someone who doesn't bother with our relationship...I did for forever and look tried to kill myself when u weren't there and abandoned me!!! Why cuz u are my world but u do this everything its about u...

Me-I don't think you see the pain and hurt the affair has caused.

Me-My fault for hiding it but you saw my pain and sadness as not trying or not caring or not enough


Her- So ****ing what does me trying to kill myself not ****ing matter or killing my babies!! U don't know what pain even is...ur parents screaming how horrible of a person I am and u just standing there

Her- I hate you burn in hell!! How could you, seriosuly get the **** over it I killed my child for you and to save us and you say this hurts more **** off

Her- You have me and am here and trying every day to get thru this life that u have put me thru and continue a relationship with one of the most ungrateful and selfish person I know

Her- the other issue is your mother!!!
 
#91 ·
DON'T RESPOND EVEN ONE MORE TIME.

She's going to spiral, say awful things. Save all your texts from her, take screenshots if you can.

The more she texts and you don't respond, the crazier she'll get. This can be used for evidence in custody fight if necessary.

I've been where you are, like Stockholm Syndrome, so hard to understand that the abuser is not right.

Turn your phone off. Just for 5 minutes. Then another 5.... Keep going.

Definitely get a VAR, get familiar with it, keep it on you. If something goes down, authorities WILL NOT believe you.
 
#92 ·
DON'T RESPOND EVEN ONE MORE TIME.

She's going to spiral, say awful things. Save all your texts from her, take screenshots if you can.

The more she texts and you don't respond, the crazier she'll get. This can be used for evidence in custody fight if necessary.

I've been where you are, like Stockholm Syndrome, so hard to understand that the abuser is not right.

Turn your phone off. Just for 5 minutes. Then another 5.... Keep going.

Definitely get a VAR, get familiar with it, keep it on you. If something goes down, authorities WILL NOT believe you.
 
#93 ·
im at work now and wont respond or text back. just trying to keep my calm before i attempt to leave here. she keeps calling and calling.

Also is her saying i wont be your problem anymore..

Her saying fine ill leave or her intending to make me worry about self harm?
 
#104 ·
jarhead,

In the USA if she is feeling suicidal, she can call 1-800-273-8255
the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

In fact, it would be very helpful for you to go to that site and learn more, such as The Warning Signs of Suicide.

HOWEVER, I want you to consider something, and I'm not being cold-hearted or callous here. I have no desire to see your wife harm herself--in fact, I believe she needs help! But what she is saying does not sound like a person actually intending to harm herself to me. It sounds like a person who is DESPERATE to get you to do what she wants you to do, the way she wants you to do it. Up until this point, she has said some very demeaning, verbally abusive things to you, and she clearly blames you for her choices, and yet you are trying to take time to think clearly and improve yourself. That means you wouldn't be under her thumb any longer and SHE DOES NOT LIKE THAT!! So she is fighting tooth and nail with the most hurtful and scary weapon she has to get you back in line.

She keeps saying she "gave up her babies" to be with you, and yet that's not reality. In reality she is a married woman and she chose to act in such a way that she became pregnant by another man...and who knows if you would have chosen to stay with her and reconcile if she had those babies? She chose to abort them...not you. You didn't force her or put a gun to her head...SHE chose. It was her actions that put her in that position and her choice to abort. So when she throws that one in your face A) do not respond (there is no need) and B) remind yourself inside your head that each person is responsible for the choices they make. YOU are not responsible for what she chose to do. Okay?

Next, when she says those veiled suggestions that she might kill herself, if you are concerned and you don't want harm to come to her, you can ask her right out loud: "Are you threatening to kill yourself?" If she says yes, then call the police or 911. Tell them you need a wellness check and that she threatened suicide. Let her family know that the two of you are separated and she has been threatening suicide so they can take appropriate measures.

Jarhead, if she means it (and we already know she is a cutter) then she needs help above and beyond what you can give her by falling for her threats and "obeying her." This is where the rubber meets the road. Do you really love her? Then do what is best for her EVEN IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT. She may be in a lot of pain, but the mature way to deal with pain is not to cut or threaten suicide. And if that is her best coping mechanism, then she really does need professional help. She's gonna scream and throw a fit and blame you--just brace yourself because you know that's coming. But you will have done the best thing for her, and THAT is real love.
 
#98 · (Edited)
<<She has mentioned past attempt to OD. and stating that if i keep ignoring her i might just not see her again. that was an hour ago and she is still calling and left a voice may crying begging me to call>>

jarhead, if she threats again, call the police.If she stops cold and you are worried call the police.

BUT you do not call or text her !!!
 
#99 ·
the killing her baby sh!t it over the top and a clear demonstration, as if you needed one, of how incredibly cruel she is.

you have to get out now. your daughter needs at least one sane person in her life.

do not respond to any of her calls or texts. call 911 if she continues to selfishly threaten suicide.
 
#101 ·
I'm assuming that she's talking about abortions...? If so, were these other pregnancies a result of her PA w/ OM or possibly even ADDITIONAL OMs?

Either way, jarhead, you're getting good advice here. Alert the police that she's threatening to harm herself and possibly her unborn child. Keep a copy of any and all communications from her, and look into backing them up somehow. Put a passcode on your phone and guard it like crazy. Document EVERYTHING. It may help you w/ getting custody of your daughter down the line.

Aside from that, maintain zero communication w/ her. Let her rant and rave all she wants. She sees that you're taking a stand against her abusive, controlling ways, and it's driving her crazy. She can't stand the thought of having to bring another child into the world w/o you there to provide for it, especially since (next paragragh)...

OM has clearly decided to steer clear of the train wreck, at least for now. He may be hoping that you'll take responsibility for the child once it's born, at which point he can start coming back around.

GO DARK! NO CONTACT!
 
#102 ·
Stay dark. Keep all texts and voicemails. And honestly, if you get one more threatening text call 911 and let them deal with her.

If she is bluffing it will give her pause. If she is not ir will get her help.

And again take care of yourself. This is a scary situation you are in.
 
#103 ·
GOD PLEASE TELL ME I DID THE RIGHT THING
I am not God but you did the right thing.
Another right thing (if you are not a troll) is for you to RUN RUN to your therapist!!


Anyone that is wondering if they did the right thing in your situation needs help with thinking and emotions. Getting away from this woman is a no brainer but you are wondering if you did the right thing??


Jarhead, get HELP you are very confused, very weak, and mixed up and are allowing this woman to keep you in hell
 
#105 · (Edited)
jarhead,

You came here for advice. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe that anyone on TAM, in 7 pages of this thread, has suggested that you do anything else other than divorce your wife.

You are not accepting that advice.

You can recite all the drawn out conversations with her, till you're blue in the face; but that advice will not change.

She's a bad person. You need to be rid of her. Stop talking to her. Start your divorce. Plan you exit. Get into therapy.

Be a man.

I'm out. Unless you need help planning your exit strategy.
 
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