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needing to understand and move forward

42K views 243 replies 47 participants last post by  cool12 
#1 ·
I am having a horrible time understanding my situation, coping, and getting my life back together, and moving forward after finding out about affair my wife has had and currently ongoing for almost 2 years.

I have cried, gotten angry, tried to leave, tried to save marriage, gone numb and tried to ignore, I've tried to show how much I want and love my wife to only be shut down fail and be told I'm not trying.

I know I've tried obvious things and easily seen to simply trying to pull myself back together and even just help more to lighten her load since she says she does it all and is the only one on this marriage.

Now I have done things wrong and bad and horrible ( horrible to her I don't see them that bad but pretty bad) and I try to take responsibility for my actions and my doings.

What I'm going crazy over is really understanding what she needs and wants from me to end this affair and truly give us a chance. She has tried many things to show me she wants to save us buy a lot of them time she continues the affair or at least talk to the guy while trying. That doesn't make sense when it kills me so much she's even talking to him but to her that should t matter I should t
Still be able to be there for her and show her my love, be there for her, support her, and do those little things like your looking sexy, surprise her and comfort her when she's breaking down even if it mainly about or related to the other person.

I've been trying so hard to do what she asks of me and wants but I always seem yo fail or not do enough or simply crash trying to the point of I'm so exhausted emotionally and physically it makes everything worse and my self even more confused.

Does anyone have any ideas on where to start from here or what I can do or simple to help me start understanding. A

Anymore information needed or questions please ask
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#106 ·
badmemory,

To some degree I politely disagree. I don't know if jarhead does or does not need to divorce his wife. In fact, I'm very aware that we are only getting "his side of the story" and that most likely her side would be very, very different!

But I do think that what we all agree on is that RIGHT NOW she needs some serious help and that RIGHT NOW he needs to get away from her for whatever period of time he needs to regain himself and his self-esteem. It would be ideal if she also sought help and through counseling learned some better coping techniques than suicide and adultery...but chances are she won't do that because she'd have to look at herself. Still...that hasn't happened yet and we don't know the future.

So for now, I do think we all agree, she needs deep psychiatric help and psychotherapy. I also think we all agree that Jar needs to get away from her and separate, which means stopping the texting, calling and emailing. YES, for the first week or so Jar will feel like he has an URGE to contact, and that's because he is just as addicted to her drama (and being the white knight) as she is to whipping it up! He also has to break his addiction to her!

But I have a feeling he is just beginning to see that. So I'll hang in a little longer to keep showing him until he's ready to make the move he needs to make.
 
#111 ·
Well based on the facts AS PRESENTED HERE I'd say this is SURELY a candidate for divorce. Multiple affairs and multiple pregnancies from said affairs...this even meets the "it's moral to divorce" standard!

But just because it's moral doesn't mean you have to.

And the truth is that we are not there and don't really know all the facts--just what Jar has presented. If his presentation is 100% accurate and true, I'd say "Run for the hills and fast!" I just give some room to the possibility that maybe he told us bad things and exaggerated them to make himself sound better...or forgot to tell us his bad things to make it seem like an "open and shut" case. We never really know.

Shoot, remember the one lady here who worked for a doctor and was having an affair with one of the patients? She went to the doctor (whom she looked up to) and asked if she should leave her husband, who just the night before had screamed at her for five hours. Of course, she didn't mention that he was screaming because he just discovered the affair...in fact she didn't mention the affair AT ALL! Why? "Because it wasn't any of his business." :rolleyes:

That's all I'm saying and I've got no qualms with badmemory or illwill disagreeing. I think I honestly just am more patient! LOL But right now my patience is toward helping jarhead RECOVER by getting away from her for now. Once he's back to himself and has some self-esteem, he can decide for himself if she is the kind of woman he'd invest in, and decide that from a healthy, more mature viewpoint.
 
#112 ·
You need to stop the drama and get some stability in your life. All this turmoil can't be good for any of you. You need to set up visitation time with your daughter, not at her house, but where it is you and her. This time needs to be fun time, not doing chores or errands, both of you need this. It doesn't have to be expensive, just that she has your undivided attention.

Your stbx has made her choices, there is no point engaging her. She replaced you with a POSOM, take care of the legal matters and move on with life. There is a brave new world out there.
 
#114 · (Edited)
To all of the TAM writers, I can see were this guy is coming from. Life in the US Military is different. We do not accept DEFEAT. That is a big no no! If this guy is oversee's, he can not divorce, he can only send his wife back the the States. If she is banging one of his higher ups, they will band together and protect each other.

Having said all that,

You must get rid of this cancer in your life. You have tried everything, but it is time to "Pop smoke, and get the fork out of there!" I know that you think you have a duty to fix this but you DON"T! I am almost 60 years old now, and if I could do it over again, I would not have put up with 90% of the BS in my life. I would have told my ex-wife before we married " You know what, I met this tall German Doctor who wants me, her parents own a VW dealership, that they want me to work at, things have changed, BYE!" Instead, I felt I had a DUTY to keep my word. Boy, what an a idiot. Oh well. That would be my advice to you. David
 
#116 ·
This is not about giving up, its about fear. The only
similarities to the military is the brainwashing she has done.
Agreed. As well as brainwashing, verballing and mental torture, she is using sleep deprivation as a tool to destroy this poor guy.

Unlike Affaircare I believe he is telling it like it is and there is no hope for this relationship barring divine intervention. She is way to damaged. I for one can "hear" the desperation in his words. He can't be putting a spin on it for his own justification. Way to desperate.

It's either-or for me. A troll(don't really think so) or completely true.

I would feel sorry for her is she wasn't so dangerously cruel to J. God only knows what she is doing to his daughter. At least he does have some sort of control, as flimsy as it is. That poor little girl has none.

All she has is her dad to save her from ending up as damaged as her mother.
 
#117 ·
Jarhead,

I hope you are doing okay. I'm sorry but I won't translate those texts from your wife in any depth like I did earlier. I did read them but it is more of the same abusive bullsh!t and it's wrong.

Threatening suicide if you leave is abusive and manipulative. She can't physically cage you but boy can she try to do it psychologically. Suicide threats are intended to hold you hostage because she wants you to stay and you've voiced yourself that you don't want to be there. If you have reason to believe she'll go through with it, call 911 and let them know she is a suicide risk.

She also did not kill her babies for you. She chose to cheat, she chose to have unprotected sex that resulted in not one, not two, but three pregnancies and she chose to have two of those pregnancies aborted. It doesn't matter if her motivation was saving the marriage. Obviously that wasn't motivation enough because she is pregnant again by the other man.

She can claim that she did it for you but that's bullsh!t. She certainly didn't choose to stay faithful and honour her vows for you. Had she been faithful she wouldn't have gotten pregnant with the other man's baby the first time and now she's a three time loser.

I "liked" your post where you asked if you did the right thing. My "like" and the seven (at the time I write this) other likes were adamant HELL YESSES.

You will doubt yourself in the beginning when you try to let go of her. That's totally normal but it's totally wrong. That is because it's hard to end the cycle of abuse. It's hard to cut off ties from them even though they're hurtful and destructive in your life.

Block and delete her from all of your social media sites. Don't keep checking in on her because it will make the urge to reach out even stronger. Right now, you need to distance yourself and stay away.

Let her calls go to voice-mail and then check them for content. If it's not something pertinent, like about your daughter, the mortgage, bills or other things you're obligated to care for then don't return the calls.

When you feel the urge to reach out to her, log on to TAM and write instead, go for a walk, call your dad or talk or a friend or even a crisis hotline. It might sound silly but take the battery out of your phone and lock it up so you can't touch it. Personally, watching stand up comedy on Youtube helped me a lot (thank you Bill Burr, Carlin and Louis C.K. for helping me through). I don't care what you do, as long as you find something positive that helps distract you and get your mind on something else until that urge goes away.

If despite trying the tips that others and myself have given you, I'd also add, have your wife's calls and texts automatically directed to your dad or another trusted person. Instruct them to only tell you about important information such as messages regarding your daughter so you can text her about those and make arrangements or when bills will be paid etc. Let them act as a go-between for you and your wife until you've gotten strong enough to deal with her yourself. Right now I fear that her pull is stronger than your resolve.

You may also want to read some information on this website. It has a lot of information for male victims of emotional battering and domestic abuse.

Good luck and keep posting.
 
#121 ·
my phone died lastnight and am now at work im about to read responces.

here is a little of something i felt and happened. ill respond more as soon as i can.

So after a long talk with her last night (she was at my work when I got off) I found out a couple things her abandonment issues run very very deep. As deep for her openly say when "I left her" any time I am jot there when she needs or wants me or in case of lastnight I "left her" because I told her we had to leave my work and couldn't talk there anymore and I got in my truck and left to the place I told her to meet down the road. Secondly she only goes to OM because he hasn't "left her" and she uses sex with him as a means of keeping him around.

Now o don't full understand what is all going on in that thinking and mind set. But I know that she needs help I can not give.

Last night I made huge steps forward and made the point known I no longer can go on with this all happening. I will say I did give in and now down during our talk all night and into morning. But I must say for once in Idk how long I did stand my ground on 90% of what was said or simple agjolidged her feelings and moved on. There is a whole lot more that was said and that I am so lost in but I do not have time yet to out that on here.

I know I did not do all I should and gave in to some as I always do but I will say even spending the morning with her shopping picking up daughter from grandmas and even her getting me a lunch ready for work. I was posative in myself, happy as can be, felt like a human again, I finally am gaining some part of me back. It also may somewhat come from her final addmitence of what she had done and that it was very very wrong with pain in every word and I saw it on her fave all day. It helped to see she felt at least somewhat remorseful. I know that little bit changes nothing but it is good to see.

Also she over and over again said her affair in very very minimal to all the pain I have caused her over the years and that I need to just get over it like she has gotten over all I have done.
I did hold true on the fact of no matter what I still didn't deserve it and she agreed and but I did play a part in her doing it by pushing her away and making her feel she had to turn to someone else


i think what has made the biggest impact on my more posative and happy mood today...

I faced my biggest fear and did not die, did not crawl in bed and never get up, the world did not end. If it all comes down to divorce or her leaving i am no longer afraid.
 
#122 ·
Jarhead,

I'm happy that you felt more positively and stronger today than you have in a long time. It is important to feel good. Don't knock yourself from letting down your resolve. This whole standing up for yourself thing is new and you can't expect yourself to do it perfectly the first time.

BUT LEARN FROM IT. It would be good for you to take some time to think about where, when and why you backed down a bit. What were you talking about during the time? What were you saying? What did she say and mostly - HOW DID IT FEEL? Because it is important that you don't let this happen again.

I have a sneaking suspicion that you are so used to getting nothing good from your wife or what you do get being manipulative garbage and abuse that when you do get something good, no matter how insincere, no matter how small of a crumb it is, it makes you ELATED. STOP THAT.

Making a lunch and wearing a sad face all day IS NOT REMORSE. I repeat. It's not remorse. You know how I know? Because she followed it up with this:

Also she over and over again said her affair in very very minimal to all the pain I have caused her over the years and that I need to just get over it like she has gotten over all I have done.
And then got you to believe this:

but I did play a part in her doing it by pushing her away and making her feel she had to turn to someone else
 
#123 ·
Good, now stop talking to her. Quick to the point conversations, as stated by many already, you just going to get hurt if you talk to her. How much more of her nonsense are you going to take? She is wackadoo. Lawyer up, file for divorce, serve the papers at her work, get the kid away from her crazy ass.

Keep the conversations focused on getting divorced, your child or her getting help, txt only. Don't talk on the phone. Take charge. Don't let her control the conversation. Ignore the shameful lies. Your are being decieved.
 
#125 ·
So I do not believed in played a part on her choosing the affair. Not at all her choice not mine. I made it clear to her many times.
I also in an angry outburst finally expressed some if the basic things like have him at house or sleep in our bed and so on. That were disrespect and complete bullish** . That those made me feel unwanted in my own home and feel like she didn't give two sh**s about me.

And when she would point things out that mad no logical sense at all I would say nothing just let her rant.

Her big thing also was since I "so called loved her so much" I should see when she needs me and I should comfort her and just hug her. This would then follow with a moment of long crying and to me attempts to make me hug and comfort her. I did do it twice while we were away from the house to calm her and get her to go to house so we could talk there, and in my head to see where my daughter was because was not with my wife and so the drive she had to take would at least distract her some to come out of her angry some. My daughter had gotten dropped off earlier in the day at grandmas.

When we got home things were fishy about not wanting to go inside or when almost home she suggested stopping at store for bread for my lunch the next day. It was about 5am at the time and jot going inside was to not wake the roommate that had to be up at 7. So I made a reason to go inside and I quickly searched and found no one (thought maybe OM was there) and also told me on a text on way to house that I didnt need to come home our daugyher wasn't there.

So yes I'm seeing a lot clearer now and can pull out the truth in her words a lot better.
This I feel is because I'm learning and since I fast my worse fear of loosing her I now am a lot more at peace with the fact of I'll do what I need and no longer fear loosing her.

The reason I cave in is because
1- I know I have done wrongs like letting her get beat down by my parents using things they didn't know about and pasts of my wife's life they didn't know (my wife was raped when she was in highschool by a boyfriend) I'm jot sure if me standing by doing nothing to stop the yelling and verbal attack from my parents when I saw my wife was being hurt by it and not being able to handle it was wrong for me to do, I know I felt bad after it all happened

2- she explains in detail her feelings, my actions that hurt her, examples and its so much I can't keep the train of thought in my head gong to understand let alone filter the truth out and I get angry and don't want to lash out or loose control so I say fine your right or fall silent and beat myself up inside for not being able to understand why I did what she said or why I can't find the way to see I didn't do that to her.

3- I simple reach a point of f-it I don't care anymore and tune out and zone out. To the point I block out my pain, guilt, feelings and simple give in to stop the topic

Last night I did my best to stay calm listen and filter truth. So I could respond only what I needed to and to attempt to show the flaw in what she said

Last thing back to the simple hug me and assure .e its a going to be OK. When she did this while we were in our room on our bed this was because roommate was now up. She got upset and started crying and shaking her foot from anxiety normal for her to do and that to her should trigger me to hug and hold her at the least.
Here is where I felt bad for doing this sort of and don't know if it was right. When she started to cry and put the trigger of now come hold me I rolled my head onto my pillow on the other side of bed and started to "cry" enough to know she heard it. And continued to ask her to come hug me and hold me. This was all to see if what she wanted me to do when I was hurting was something she could do for me when She was hurting. Kind of OK shoe on other foot. No responce form her at all at this point I had actually broken Dow. From everything but pulled together and rolled over to see if she was still awake and push harder to get her to hug me. When I rolled over she had her ears covered and I tapped her shoulder and told her I had been "begging her to hug me" and she then said she had her ears plugged so she didn't her me anymore I believe she said because I was angry and being mean.

I don't know what to make of that because rest of day even after " time to go get our daughter and get stating I didn't need to go with but I did so I could see my daughter" nothing I did or said would grant a hug started by her. She even once said she couldn't because I scared her. She had moved to sitting on floor against wall and said something to spark anger And hurt that I sat up in anger and started to shake my finger saying don't you dare.. the. Caught myself half way to sitting up and I laid back down and collected myself back to calm and in control. When she then said " what are you going to do hit me"

I then stood up to grab pants and leave. She responded what going to leave me again.
I told her if she goes to that and saying I might hit her I was gone won't play that game.

All was fine and I'm still in good place tonight. Had to get some off my chest. I can't understand people not wanting to continue writing and helping because I go back or fall down and I get it. Stop if you feel the need I am strong and can get through all this just need some help if I can get it and clarity of things from others to keep me strong and believing.

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#127 ·
Cheating and abuse aren't your typical marital issues. They are different animals altogether. They are issues that can't be compromised on, negotiated or bartered away. They are also situations where ONLY ONE (the cheater or abuser) is to blame.

Most abusers never stop being abusive. Some do but it takes:

  • them recognizing that they are an abuser,
  • acknowledging that they are to blame for all of the abuse,
  • the desire to stop and the willingness to do the work to get better; and
  • actually doing the work (counseling, anger management etc.) to get better.

Your wife doesn't do any of this. You can't make her do it and continuing to engage her because you want your marriage to work is unhealthy for you.

People can reconcile after cheating but that too takes a lot of work. Your wife would have to:
  • be TRULY remorseful,
  • cut off all contact with the other man forever,
  • be fully transparent with you,
  • go to counseling,
  • comfort you whenever you're triggered because of the affair, read a lot of books on affairs,
  • understand that you can't "just get over it", and
  • stop blaming you for her decisions to continually cheat and repeatedly get pregnant and abort affair babies.

Again, YOUR WIFE ISN'T DOING THIS.

Mental health illnesses also don't go away on their own - you can treat them, manage them but not cure them. I'm not a psychologist but I suspect your wife to be suffering from a personality disorder of some kind, in addition to never having properly dealt with the past trauma of being raped. As far as I/We know, your wife isn't in counseling or under the regular care of a doctor for mental health issues.

Even still past trauma like rape, having an abusive childhood or suffering from a mental health issue is not an excuse to cheat or abuse. Speaking from experience as an abuse/rape survivor who has never cheated and abuses no one. There may be correlation but there is no causation and certainly no justification to go on and abuse and cheat other people.

Not sticking up for your wife may have been justified or it may not have been. I don't know and to be honest, I don't really care. What I do know is that is not the cause of her abuse towards you or her cheating nor even a semi-good excuse because THERE. IS. NO. EXCUSE. for cheating or abuse. So you need to let the guilt about that go. She uses your guilt about it to manipulate her into doing what you want her to do.

If someone is cheating and they aren't willing to end an affair you need to walk away. If someone is being abusive and won't stop and get treatment, you need to walk away.

I do hope that you keep writing on here but please know that I, am not supportive of your choices to keep engaging her. I don't support you trying to reconcile when I have reason to believe that she's still cheating on you and emotionally abusing you while your daughter gets a front-row seat. It just isn't right.

I know you love her, I know it's hard for you to walk away. You've also become dependent on her and reliant of her abuse in her day to day life. This is your "normal", what you know and change is hard. However, it will be even harder on your daughter to grow up in such chaos. You say that you aren't afraid to lose her but actions speak louder than words.

Talking, shopping with, cuddling and hugging and crying in front of her is engaging her.

As long as you engage her, you won't be able to detach and put forth the necessary steps to get healthy for yourself and for your little girl.

So, detach Jarhead and go to counseling and I'll back that 100%.
 
#145 ·
I agree Jarhead, you should consolidate your threads. Although, Jar did go into more detail about the "rape" in the Men's Clubhouse. The details of which I found a bit sketchy as his wife is very sketchy. I think Jarhead needs to let the guilt go over his wife's alleged rape and the wife definitely needs individual counseling regardless.

BOY did Miss Taken hit the nail on the head! Print that out and reread it! :iagree: :iagree:
It means a lot to get a compliment from you as you were a big help to me when I first got here.

Yeah. Where did she come from?
Thanks to you too! :D
 
#132 ·
Long story short but want to get it out for input. Wife asked why I said I was done the other day but still at the house trying. I told her i love her but can't do the affair she is having. Somewhere in that sentence she yelled and came yo point of if I ever say I can't take or handle affair or him in pitcher or say it again she will be done for good because what I have done to her is worse than what she had done and its bull I could walk away after all she has done to save us and show. I turned to her and told her I can not do this anymore with him in the picture at all. That's made mad and upset. She yelled for a while and I returned a few no this no that. But stopped and just went quiet. Went upstairs and sat in room and she came up to do the same thing and I kept quiet. I don't want to leave the house. Just felt I needed to say this. She is now on couch downstairs crying.

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#141 ·
I don't want to leave the house. Just felt I needed to say this.
Posted via Topify on Android
You stay in the house. Kick her out. Keep the child with you. Technically you can't make her leave. I informed my WW that she needed to leave our house after about two weeks of fence sitting on weather she is leaving her AP or not. I told her that if she chooses to stay I will make her life here in our house very uncomfortable. No threats, but I was clear about it. It may not work but if your firm about it you stand a good chance.

Tell her to go to her mother's until you figure out what you want to do. She doesn't need to know your plans.
 
#136 ·
She has not done this but I need to know it. If she trays to cut or anything along those lines. That is her way for attention? Only choice is to call 911? That is only choice because if I stop her or comfort her to stop is her getting what she wants by me caring and feeling bad?

What if I was to stop her and comfort her but stick to not staying in marriage.

She is crying asking why I'm not there in a low voice. She doesn't know im close to where she is.

I know she thinks because I have hurt her by saying I couldn't do the affair anymore which in turn made her cry and hurt so much she can't control her emotions. Since she can't control them and is hurting I should comfort her and make her feel better because I love her?

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#139 ·
What does she say you have done that is so awful that she thinks she can openly have a boyfriend, have sex with him in your home, get pregnant by him multiple times and carry his baby?

Tell us honestly what she says you do or have done so that she feels she can say that her pain is both caused by you and is worse than the pain she causes you.

Tell us and we can give you a healthy perspective.

My sense is that she has brainwashed you. Tell us and let us help you counter the brainwashing with something reasonable.

You should not be caving into her cries for 'comfort.' You should call 911 if she threatens to hurt herself. You shouldn't be there for her while she carries on her affair.

There's lots that you shouldn't be doing, so start the process by telling us what she claims you have done to her and then listen to us when we respond to help you reverse the brainwashing.
 
#144 ·
P.S. Do you REALLY want to help your wife and help someone you love with their cutting and suicide threats? Okay...

The first thing is to be realistic about what you can achieve: As with any damaging behavior (such as alcoholism, drugs, or eating disorders), some people just may not be ready to acknowledge the problem and stop. So don't put too much pressure on yourself — your wife's problem likely is a longstanding one that requires help from a professional therapist or counselor, and it's just more than you can help her with.

Second, some ways to help:

  • Tell someone. If your friend asks you to keep the cutting a secret, say that you aren't sure you can because you care. Getting treatment may help your wife overcome the problem. Your wife WILL be mad at you at first. But studies show that 90% of those who self-injure are able to stop within a year of beginning treatment.
  • Help your wife find resources. Try to help your wife find someone to talk to and a place to get treatment. There are also some good books and online support groups.
  • Help your wife friend find alternatives to cutting. Some people find that the urge to self-injure passes if they squeeze an ice cube in their hand really hard, draw with a red marker on the body part they feel like cutting, take a walk, stroke their cat or dog, play loud music and dance, or find another distraction or outlet for their feelings. These strategies don't take the place of getting professional counseling, but they can help in the short run.
  • Be a good role model. Everyone experiences painful emotions like hurt, anger, loss, disappointment, guilt, or sadness. Show her how you deal with those emotions using skills like knowing how to calm yourself down when you're upset, putting feelings into words, and working out solutions to everyday problems.

What if she refuses treatment? Some people aren't ready to face what they're going through — and you can't blame yourself for that. It can be really hard when someone you love just won't let you help. But don't take on the burden as your own or feel responsible for someone else's behavior. Be sure to care for yourself and don't allow yourself to be drained or pulled down by your wife's situation.

And jarhead, bear in mind that these suggestions are for someone who is fairly healthy and supported to offer assistance to someone who is not so stable. Well in your instance, you are waking up but not entirely healthy yourself, and you sure aren't supported! I think it is entirely possible that the most loving thing you can do at this point is to care for yourself and not let yourself be pulled down because she won't deal with herself.
 
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