Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

needing to understand and move forward

42K views 243 replies 47 participants last post by  cool12 
#1 ·
I am having a horrible time understanding my situation, coping, and getting my life back together, and moving forward after finding out about affair my wife has had and currently ongoing for almost 2 years.

I have cried, gotten angry, tried to leave, tried to save marriage, gone numb and tried to ignore, I've tried to show how much I want and love my wife to only be shut down fail and be told I'm not trying.

I know I've tried obvious things and easily seen to simply trying to pull myself back together and even just help more to lighten her load since she says she does it all and is the only one on this marriage.

Now I have done things wrong and bad and horrible ( horrible to her I don't see them that bad but pretty bad) and I try to take responsibility for my actions and my doings.

What I'm going crazy over is really understanding what she needs and wants from me to end this affair and truly give us a chance. She has tried many things to show me she wants to save us buy a lot of them time she continues the affair or at least talk to the guy while trying. That doesn't make sense when it kills me so much she's even talking to him but to her that should t matter I should t
Still be able to be there for her and show her my love, be there for her, support her, and do those little things like your looking sexy, surprise her and comfort her when she's breaking down even if it mainly about or related to the other person.

I've been trying so hard to do what she asks of me and wants but I always seem yo fail or not do enough or simply crash trying to the point of I'm so exhausted emotionally and physically it makes everything worse and my self even more confused.

Does anyone have any ideas on where to start from here or what I can do or simple to help me start understanding. A

Anymore information needed or questions please ask
Posted via Mobile Device
 
See less See more
#180 ·
By Jarhead
I found I love you I want you babe this and that. Lots of stuff that just destroyed me inside

What is it going to take for you to stop talking and start taking some actions that has been given by almost everyone on this thread?
Do you want to keep getting destoyed?

Some actions that I would suggest is for you to get some help right there in your area. Get someone than can help you be stronger as you are so weak that you are allowing yourself to becoming a door mat and to lose your self respect. If you do not start taking action you will get worse than you are right now!
 
#182 ·
Borderline Personality Disorder. I and everyone of my counseling coworkers would be reluctant to work with a person with BPD or PD. In fact we would all refer them elsewhere. Folks with BPD are very difficult to do therapy with and often times they fail in treatment.

This makes sense in what you have been saying about your wife. She has the criteria for this diagnosis (IMO).

Very little can be done for her. It takes a very special counselor to deal with her and with the two of you in couple's therapy, and the outcomes are not very positive.

The out of control sex is very indicative of many folks with BPD. So though I understand this behavior there is no way I would ever excuse it. Folks like this need strong boundaries and a person to keep telling them "NO". And a person with BPD hate to be told "NO". But that is just one of several things that this type of person needs in their life.

Jarhead, please don't stay in this marriage. It will only get worse. I do have pity on your wife, but please realize that you can't fix this.
 
#183 · (Edited)
That book that your wife picked up might be worth for YOU to read. It will help you what's going on with her even better. I'm not surprised to hear that she's been thought of/diagnosed with BPD. This disorder comes up frequently on abuse support groups. Your wife's behaviour is in line with what I've read on similar sites.

Please stay the course. I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Uptown
#186 ·
I will look into it thank you.

I'm reading walking in egeshells about borderline personality and wow does this hit home.

I feel bad because I see what she has been saying and feel for so long but Idk how or if I can help/move past the pain and hurt of her actions.

I'm really lost at this point and no clue where to turn. Only thing I can try for now is to learn and speak with counselor.

Sadly enough (not sure if I have posted this story yet) my why maybe be going to jail for a little while along with state required anger,alchohal, and some other classes. Who knows god for bid she has to be foreced like this but maybe it will be a posative

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#190 ·
I appreciate all the help. I will check out the other forum and I have both books I hate you and egg shells on PDF so I can print and read. I'm just hitting a point of loosing my strength and trying to regain it so I can actually function again.

I will keep posting as much as I can.

I never thought about how many have seen this post and how many it may have helped. Puts a positive on all of this thank you pointing it out

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#191 ·
Remember what I said about taking a step forward and then stopping and resting at that point? You aren't losing ground or going back to where you were, just pausing to catch your breath.

That's cool. It's still moving forward and making progress and growing and learning. Take some time to do something relaxing and fun...a little break. This is a long marathon, not a short sprint.
 
#192 ·
So this weekend was odd because it was kinda smooth. There was lots of times I was at high anxiety and worry about what I was going to do or say to upset or cause an issue or wrong but thourgh the weekend it was only small looks or remarks that were unneeded in my eyes but nothing big.

We went seen friends and had an ok time. I still feel like im going crazy and loosing my mind. But I have friends reminding me im not crazy and just to keep working at myself and some pushing me to make a decision, Stay and learn to deal or just leave.

I have so much doubt still and confusion I don't feel I can make a decision and even though I am hurting so bad and to be honest don't know any way I can handle this baby from OM that I almost feel no choice but to leave for myself, my wife and our daughter. Yet im still afraid of the outcome of me leaveing ( my wife suicidial) and simply loving her so much and the fact maybe I am crazy and have issues and will be throwing away such an amazing wife for dealing with me. All at the same time knowing im not so bad and im not crazy and simply I know I deserve more.

I am now using BPDfamily.com and trying to learn more. Also seeing mother in law either having some same issues and supporting in the push to stay or wanting me to just try harder and be better. I no longer feel I can trust going to her when she has been there a lot.

Tomorrow is a big day so well see how it turns out. Afraid of her emotinaly state going south and me having to go to work will end in some big problems. So we will see and I have to work and make money/keep my job
 
#193 ·
Im disappointed you went out with her. Your getting all this great advice and then you do that. She's peaceful because she's getting what she wants from you, staying together.

I'll just say your not making any head way doing that and you have no respect for yourself. I keep hoping your going to pull your head out of your ass. You get close and then you stick it right back in there.
Here's an easy assignment for you. Look up in the dictionary these words:
Honor, Respect and Courage.
 
#196 ·
I honestly don't know.
I get sucked back in
My daughter I want to see
Everything that helps me calm down and relax Is at home(I'm a personal mechanic. Working on rigs keeps me relaxed. Well use to a lot more)

I know I should give up all that besides my daughter.
Honestly it feels as if I'm kept to stretched thin and tired. And craving for some me time when I do have a little extra time when everyone is asleep. That there is no time to learn or build on myself or even mental strength to take in anything new or to push my self forward. I can only seem to make it through the day

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#198 ·
I've been attempting to do that. Even if its taking care of her horse for her since she feels sick. Its time for me.

I just stress and worry about how long I take or what she is going to be angry about when i get hone and the one I hate trying to keep peace before work so it does not end up in a fight or disaster to where I can't go to work.

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#199 ·

If you are to weak to help yourself then find someone, some organization, anything that can help you get stronger. You are weak and full of fear and have trapped yourself.

It is obvious that we here at TAM are not enough to get you going in the right direction even though you have been given very good advice.

Find someone, friend, family, place of worship, counselor, support groups, anything just get HELP!!! If you are embarrassed to get help in person then remember; your choice right now is that you can lose your face or lose your AZZ! Lose your face and get help in your community so that you can get a LOT better.
 
#200 ·
Thank you. I have gotten alot of great advice and plan on rereading the whole thread tonight if i can.

I want to refocus on this topic here if possible.

1- I need to find a way to focus on myself without causing more issues for myself.

2- I need to know the best way or anyway to find the real truth and what reality really is.

Everyone has told me what she is doing and i belive it but i need to be able to see it also.
 
#203 ·
My wife and I were talking about how government is messed up and how someone saying something can turn into innocent people in trouble. And she brought up her charged with wreck less driving and wreck less endangerment because I was hit by her truck, I believe I walked out in front or into side of truck whole she was leaving (I was drunk) to stop her from leaving ( I thought she was also drunk) and since me and roommate said she hit me (truck she was driving hit me) meant she knowingly did it/on purpose and didn't stop just drove away. She feels that and continued to try and compare to me stepping in front of a random vehicle. Below is our conversation.

Stated that since I said she hit me that's why she says she is getting charged. I agreed but said I don't think its right.
And that yes the vehicle she was driving hit me does not mean she knowingly did it. Then she kept asking then why am I getting charged, over and over said this.
She argued that if I stepped out into road and got hit by a person driving by, is my fault.
I agreed but stated that still there vehicle hit me, no matter why or who, that vehicle hit me
She got angry and told me I just have to argue and I love to argue. And that doesn't matter because she is getting charged for "knowingly hitting me" and I told I agree that's what's happening and its not right but I was only trying to talk to her about how its not fair because someone said she hit me so that in turn suggests she knowingly did it and that simply because she was driving the vehicle doesn't mean she knew she did it. But she got angry as I was trying to say it so I told her nvm It doesn't matter and stopped talking. She returned with of course it doesn't matter to you, your not the one getting charged. The went silent and I kept quiet


What do you see in this conversation? I know what I got out of it and want to hear others to see if I am feeling and thinking the same things.
 
#206 ·
This entire conversation is a logical fallacy. That's what I get out of her comments.

You walking into random traffic is not the same as a fight, altercation or party where you try to stop someone from driving away drunk.

Your wife blames you for everything wrong in her life, this is NO WAY for any person to live man or woman.
 
#204 ·
I barely ever comment, I just read. Ppl are very predictable. A woman can never love someone she doesn't respect. I hope you have learned to respect yourself. Demand to be free, loved, and happy. You are a good man. But a woman can be what you allow. Walk away, please. Women will always seek an alpha male. There's a lot of women willing to appreciate you. Be stronger and don't allow yourself to feel less of a person!!!!

Posted via Topify using iPhone/iPad
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top