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needing to understand and move forward

42K views 243 replies 47 participants last post by  cool12 
#1 ·
I am having a horrible time understanding my situation, coping, and getting my life back together, and moving forward after finding out about affair my wife has had and currently ongoing for almost 2 years.

I have cried, gotten angry, tried to leave, tried to save marriage, gone numb and tried to ignore, I've tried to show how much I want and love my wife to only be shut down fail and be told I'm not trying.

I know I've tried obvious things and easily seen to simply trying to pull myself back together and even just help more to lighten her load since she says she does it all and is the only one on this marriage.

Now I have done things wrong and bad and horrible ( horrible to her I don't see them that bad but pretty bad) and I try to take responsibility for my actions and my doings.

What I'm going crazy over is really understanding what she needs and wants from me to end this affair and truly give us a chance. She has tried many things to show me she wants to save us buy a lot of them time she continues the affair or at least talk to the guy while trying. That doesn't make sense when it kills me so much she's even talking to him but to her that should t matter I should t
Still be able to be there for her and show her my love, be there for her, support her, and do those little things like your looking sexy, surprise her and comfort her when she's breaking down even if it mainly about or related to the other person.

I've been trying so hard to do what she asks of me and wants but I always seem yo fail or not do enough or simply crash trying to the point of I'm so exhausted emotionally and physically it makes everything worse and my self even more confused.

Does anyone have any ideas on where to start from here or what I can do or simple to help me start understanding. A

Anymore information needed or questions please ask
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#207 ·
I'm attempting to find someone I can talk to in person that I don't have to pay for since money is tight.

Like I told my friend last night all he says and all of you on here have said I see and understand but for some reason (FOG, gaslight, projection) I can't truly grasp that its real and that I have done so wrong she controls all.

I really can't find a way to start healing myself when I for some reason can't simply leave right now and when I wake up doing things at home chores and daughter or errands go to work come home by 3am and when I get home everyone is asleep and I'm either to tired to do anything, simply to mentally drained and don't want to focus on anything but something that I want to do like truck stuff but then worry about not getting enough sleep so I can wake up when my daughter gets up, and when the wife is awake there is no way I can research or just focus on me.

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#209 ·
I'm in the same place you are. Trust is an issue and your mind makes you crazy. You have no control over what the other person is doing. My husband kept on even when he said he wasn't doing anything wrong! He would get caught again.

What is wrong with people? I guess I'm old school but I think that if honesty cannot be reached on both sides it's over. You can love someone without having to be with them and hurting by seeing them not wanting you. That is harsh but it is the truth... I know how you feel. I truly do!!!!!
 
#211 ·
Been a little while since I posted a lot has been going on and changing. I also needed some time to quit thinking and just doing what I needed to do each day.

I don't want to focus on changes or what has happened so much right now but I will put in a few things.

The goods only for now.
- started asserting myself and how I felt and what I wanted. Seems to have helped some
- wife has been pushed by her baby doctor to see there counsolur about her anxiety and she is going
- wife has put back on her wedding and promise rings. (Kinda confused there)
- have had a few good days/outings together
my best friend pushed and talked to my wife a little. (He was drunk)
- she has been more open to giving/receiving affection and asking for what she needs in that manor when she needs it

- one bad he is in picture but has been pushing him away some and sees how much of an ass/worthless he is. But I do know there is more still there than she is letting on.


So my question for all is

What should be done by her and myself to reconsile and what should I look out and watch for?
Also any more insight you think I should think about or know?

I want to know this because I am unsure even if she did all I need if I can handle or trust the marriage anymore. I need input and opinions so I can think and be honest with myself about this all.

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#219 ·
So my question for all is

What should be done by her and myself to reconsile and what should I look out and watch for?

Don't reconcile. She doesn't want to reconcile. She likes the status quo. She likes you staying put and supporting her while she allows another man to empregnate her.

So, what do you do. You take that security away from her. You file for divorce.

Also any more insight you think I should think about or know?

Think about why you continue to allow her to walk all over you. Think about why you value yourself so little that you would accept the chewed-up scraps from her table.

I want to know this because I am unsure even if she did all I need if I can handle or trust the marriage anymore. I need input and opinions so I can think and be honest with myself about this all.

Jarhead you have basically ignored every recommendation you have been given. The question is... what do you want from us here at TAM? Do you want advice that you can then put into action (which you have already been given in heaps) or do you just want an audience to listen to you while you flounder around in uncertainty and darkness?


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#217 ·
i'm trying to be optimistic here but i've got nothing.
OM will always be in her life. she is carrying his child ffs!

i wouldn't be able to live with that. no way, no how. i'm not sure you can and be emotionally healthy either. like i always tell my pregnant friends, the pregnancy is the easy part. i'm afraid that will be your situation too. OM will have visitation. she will always be connected to him. how will you handle that?

is there any way you would leave this woman? what would that take?

i hate to be negative and i feel so bad for you but honestly, i just don't know how you are going to manage this. i'm an educated, well adjusted, emotionally healthy woman with a world of support around me and i sincerely think a situation like this, living with the OM's child, would be too much for me.

once again, would you ever consider divorcing this woman? what if she gets pregnant by him again? is there even a line in the sand for you?
 
#225 ·
i'm trying to be optimistic here but i've got nothing.
OM will always be in her life. she is carrying his child ffs!ionce again, would you ever consider divorcing this woman? what if she gets pregnant by him again? is there even a line in the sand for you?


She's carrying his child???? :mad: And you've not ended this charade? How much more can you take before you explode and send her off to be with her, apparently, "true love?" For the life of me I can't understand why you keep putting up with this. :scratchhead:
 
#220 ·
By Jarhead
I agree with you. Even now at the moment she is blatenty tells me she's going to see him. And I'm angry hurt everything to point of shaking but can't fing leave.
I have no idea what is so wrong with me.

What is wrong with you is that you are incredibly weak and are compromising so much because you are becoming a door mat

If you do not get someone to help you get yourself some self respect and self esteem you will become a door mat and will be of no help to anyone but will be a whiner and satisfy yourself with being a victim.

You are becoming pathetic but you can change that with the right help if you act now.
 
#223 ·
So I don't believe there is a true change for the better like "she has seen the light" and is all changed. I am seeing a difference and am afraid I will give in and think she has changed and all is good. So I'm taking measures to be causious and know what I need from her to truly start working on a fix. I have not given in or think all is good now.

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#228 ·
So she has not flat out said she will stop seeing OM.
I have told her strait out to stop having him over at house. And not to long ago to end the affair and if not I can't do this anymore.

How much more can I take? He$$ Idk.
Honestly it seems as its been so bad for so long a little bit of anything good is amazing even though in the big picture it is nothing.

Honestly Idk if I can or know how to step out of the "world" I'm living in and step back into reality

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#230 ·
My dad and I are not really talking. He has backed away since I have not taken real action or when I try I give in to W. Along with such busy life I have a hard time reaching out to talk to people.

It also is my best friend not brother that helps. My best friend will do all he can to help me but I talk to him some and without me having a plan he wont step in and do something like that

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#232 ·
Anyway, now that you're actually being lucid about the situation and answering questions, tell me your thought process. What IS it you're thinking when you let your wife leave the house to go f*ck someone else and then let her come home, satiated?

Tell me WHY you allow it.
 
#233 ·
So when I have told her go do whatever for the weekend knowing she will probably go to OM. I one just want time for self and with my daughter and two want her happy (she had made it out to be before that she was young and hadn't got to live life so understanding wanting to be free because I had been there I said do what you need to do. In hopes she would see reality and come home wanting me and to fix things). Three I gave up fighting and couldn't do fighting anymore and wanted to focus on me.

Mainly they see eachother while I'm at work.
I believe its this whole she needs someone to take care of her all the time so i m home and take care of her when I have to work she goes to him.

I know my thinking is flawed and all this is a huge mess but somehow i can't get over the "it will get better it has to" or " its all my fault just be better"

She even said her first session of counseling, she asked doctor what might be wrong with me and the lady said simply my thinking is different than my wife's

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#234 ·
So when I have told her go do whatever for the weekend knowing she will probably go to OM. I one just want time for self and with my daughter and two want her happy (she had made it out to be before that she was young and hadn't got to live life so understanding wanting to be free because I had been there I said do what you need to do. In hopes she would see reality and come home wanting me and to fix things). Three I gave up fighting and couldn't do fighting anymore and wanted to focus on me.
Posted via Topify on Android
I'm sorry, but just kill me immediately if I ever thought something like that. She wants to be free? THEN LET HER GO!!!!!

Have some self respect please. This is really just ridiculous. There is no woman on this earth worth doing that for.
 
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