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needing to understand and move forward

42K views 243 replies 47 participants last post by  cool12 
#1 ·
I am having a horrible time understanding my situation, coping, and getting my life back together, and moving forward after finding out about affair my wife has had and currently ongoing for almost 2 years.

I have cried, gotten angry, tried to leave, tried to save marriage, gone numb and tried to ignore, I've tried to show how much I want and love my wife to only be shut down fail and be told I'm not trying.

I know I've tried obvious things and easily seen to simply trying to pull myself back together and even just help more to lighten her load since she says she does it all and is the only one on this marriage.

Now I have done things wrong and bad and horrible ( horrible to her I don't see them that bad but pretty bad) and I try to take responsibility for my actions and my doings.

What I'm going crazy over is really understanding what she needs and wants from me to end this affair and truly give us a chance. She has tried many things to show me she wants to save us buy a lot of them time she continues the affair or at least talk to the guy while trying. That doesn't make sense when it kills me so much she's even talking to him but to her that should t matter I should t
Still be able to be there for her and show her my love, be there for her, support her, and do those little things like your looking sexy, surprise her and comfort her when she's breaking down even if it mainly about or related to the other person.

I've been trying so hard to do what she asks of me and wants but I always seem yo fail or not do enough or simply crash trying to the point of I'm so exhausted emotionally and physically it makes everything worse and my self even more confused.

Does anyone have any ideas on where to start from here or what I can do or simple to help me start understanding. A

Anymore information needed or questions please ask
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#3 ·
It's late so excuse me for being blunt. The short of it is that you're going to have to STOP trying to please your wife. You are acting like a doormat and doormats aren't sexy.

Your wife doesn't have any consequences for having an affair so why should she stop it? The things you resist persist. I can't understand what's so good about your wife that you want to fix this after she's shown you complete disrespect by having an affair, gaslighting and blaming you for it. Still,if you want a shot at saving your marriage, you're going to have to be willing to lose it. By clinging on to your wife while she is cheating, is only pushing her into the arms of her affair partner. She can smell the desparation.

Read up on the 180. Do an advanced site-search on this site. There is a lot of useful information about it. I don't necessarily agree with everything you're going to hear about reading the book No More Mr. Nice Guy (personally, I think it's a lot of tripe) but I do think for some people...ahem - YOU, it might be worth taking a lot of it to heart. You shouldn't be putting up with this from her.

Understand that I'm not trying to sound terse or harsh. I'm just tired but wanted to respond before going to bed. Other people will be here to answer, some more sensitively than I have so hang in there.
 

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#4 ·
Are you in the military? You should lay out a background, the circumstances surrounding the affair. Your childhood(?). What compels you to stay with a person who treats you like sh!t on her shoe? etc....

You might not like what you're going to read but you're doing exactly the opposite of what you should ideally be doing, not to get your wife back but to maintain your dignity and self respect.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy
 
#5 ·
What were the horrible things you did to her?

Beyond that. WOMEN.DO.NOT.WANT.WEAK.MEN.

Stop the begging and crying, my friend. You are making yourself less attractive day by day.

She needs to decide NOW. She will not stop unless it is clear to her that you will leave her. Because you deserve more.

And im sorry you are here.
 
#7 ·
jarhead,

I believe I can clear this up for you. You and your wife are married. That means she stood up in front of friends and family (and if you believe that way, God), and promised to give 100% of her affection and loyalty to ONLY YOU. You also promised the same to her. That means neither one of you should be giving any portion of affection or loyalty to any other human being.

Now I don't care if she thinks you should be supportive, help her out, or kiss her sweet be-hiney. As long as she is giving any portion of her affection....or loyalty... to another man, she is breaking her vows and being unfaithful. And to make matters worse, she is trying to convince you that YOU are to blame for her decisions!

Son (I call you son because I'm like in my 50's and I assume being in the service, you may be a younger fella), don't let this woman grab you by the danglies and twist like that! You may have done some things that were not Mr. Wonderful--and my guess is that if she came on her and told her side, she'd sing a song about being left alone to deal with everything by herself and you were angry with her so she turned to someone who understood her--but that in no way, shape or form justifies unfaithfulness.

So here's the way it is. Stop groveling and trying to "win" her in some contest. She is your WIFE not a circus prize. And she can either honor her promises 100% (and nothing less) or she can walk. Period. There is no middle ground. It's crystal clear. Either she chooses to uphold the promise she made to you and forsake all others...or she doesn't. If she doesn't...you can stop footing her bill and let the other man have her!
 
#8 ·
So divorce is an option but she has thrown it out that shes getting it so many times and doesnt i feel no backing unless i just do it and get papers.

as for why should she change? I mean in all reality i feel since i have stuck it out, tried and been there and done all i can should be a reason to atleast commit to me asking her to stop the affair and start with trying to fix this marriage. Yes she has tried and said she stopped the affair but it was never trully visable to me or long enough to make a diffrence. In her words i tried and i stopped it but you didnt change so i went back.

I have tried to stop cattering to her but then i get sucked back into, your not there for me or you dont help me out at home, i do everything, i always plan everything, i always have our daughter.
Now yes i dont do a huge helping on the house chores because i work atleast 10 horus a day and she is a stay at home more but with that said there are plenty of times i have cleaned the whole house or regularly help with house chores, keep my messes cleaned up. and nights when i get off at 3 am i will still pick up anything laying around and clean ( disinfect and scrub) areas of those house that need it. All simply to lighten her load and to be nice.
As for daughter yes i dont get up at 9am with her since i normaly am finally asleep at earliest 3 to 4am. due to my work scehdual and time to wind down. She will get upset and angry when my daughter will be yelling for me to wake up or she needs help with something because i have fallen asleep on couch and once i wake up and see i pass right back out because i am so tired. My wife is also asleep on other couch telling me to get up instead of letting me sleep. Now i also for the logest time got up at 10 or 9 with my daugther let my wife sleep in and start the whole day but i ended up pushing myself so far i no longer can seem to do this.

As for planning yes i dont do much if any of this because what i plan or want to do as a family are stupid or changed by my wife becase well lets do this or i was thinking we do this.

for me not being there its times where she needs me for support like crying and histerical but i am at a loss of what to do or say mainly because what i normaly do or what she has told me to do in past ends up still making her more upset with me. Also alot of time its upset because of something like us fighting and she wants me to always wants me to give in and not be mad or angry because she needs me now i have to say yes she needs me be there for her but also what about what im feeling or maybe i also am in need. Or another example is after fighting and me telling her i couldnt do it anymore and walking to a friends and her coming over begging me to come home in an hateful angry begging i would not because i couldnt do more fighting and arguing. she took pills to OD and when i came home and called 911 i stayed home while my daughter slept (middle of night like 2 am) and went to hospital next morning when i was allowed to see her. To her i abandoned her and wasnt there for her. That is a very brief version of this situation but i did what i felt was best as a hole and my daughter did not need drug out of bed and put through this situation.

Back ground of affair short version because im at work. Started about 2 years ago because i was distant and wasnt meeting her needs attention, feeling loved, or wanted. and i did not change with all her trying. yes she did try but for some reason i was depressed to explain the best and did not see most of the attempts but i feel i was doing a good job at being a husband and partner. But as time went on it was more visable and caused more that i wasnt doing for her and alot more pain. She also now has stopped trying to hide it and is now pregnant from this guy. ALso she got pregnant twice previous with him (could be mine but dont really think so) She had abortion both times as a show that she wanted to fix us and she said to have cut all from him but i knew they still talked some and it wasnt for very long but sice i didnt change she continued.

I have to stop now because of work. Ask questions and i will add more as soon as i can.
 
#25 ·
She also now has stopped trying to hide it and is now pregnant from this guy. ALso she got pregnant twice previous with him (could be mine but dont really think so) She had abortion both times as a show that she wanted to fix us
Unbelievable.

Jarhead; It's not unusual for BS's to come to TAM who honestly don't have a clue as to how much of a doormat they are being. But if your story is real, you are the worst I've seen in a while.

She's pregnant with his child and been pregnant twice before? Still in contact with him? Are you kidding me?

She's a loser. You need to divorce her. Go see a lawyer - today. Then get into counseling. You need to find out why you're so co-dependent on this cheater. You need to get your confidence and self respect back; so that in your next relationship, this doesn't happen to you again.
 
#10 ·
There is nothing you can do for your wife or for your marriage, absolutely nothing. She isn't even treating you as a human. All you can do is move on. Let her OD as many times as she wants, just keep calling the 911. You are afraid she'll OD again, I'm afraid you might OD. You have taken as much abuse as possible. Don't do this to yourself before are either institutionalized or become a suicide case.
 
#11 ·
Cant believe it----
Why do peaple permit therselfs to go trough this? What convinces a man to have low self respect? This is something I will never understand... is something wrong with me or are most OP so blind and
masochists??
2 Year affaire and you are still struggling on what to do? You even exept the blame for all this?? REALLY???
Sorry--- i feel ashamed for you! I apoligize for being pxssed from how you handle this situation.
good luck
 
#19 ·
Is something wrong with you; Jack? I find it interesting that you felt it necessary to ask that question.

Yes. To be blunt, there is.

You seem to lack fellowfeel.

They are stuck in a bad situation because they love their husband or wife.

Many times the WS seems to act like their normal, loving spouse until, suddenly, it seems, they are taken over by the pod people and totally change into a monster.
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#12 ·
I can't understand why I continue with this after feeling I have tried and tried to turn things around. I struggle with it every day. He** I can't tell you honestly why I want to try other than I love her and I married her and that bond is a lot for me.
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#14 ·
so i agree and im waking up more each day lately and starting to understand more and more. Like now she told me what i was doing when she was asleep.

I half asleep this morning came up stairs and my wife was laying in bed her back at edge of bed. trying to be nice and affectionate i crawled in as easy as possible i woke her up before i could get very close so i stopped and was looking at her telling her i was trying to lay with her. she then was awake and mad for it so got up.

Jumping ahead to tonight texcting her a minute ago we were tlaking about it and she told me strait out to stop kidding myself i was not trying to lay with her i was just crawling into bed because she had her back at the edge of the bed and i was staring at her when she woke. i just was waking her up so she could take care of our daughter. Really how can she tell me what i was doing or trying to do?

i dont understand this thinking really.
 
#17 ·
Jarhead, your situation has been very well summed up and good advice given by Affaircare and you should pay attention to it. I'll chime in now with my summary and 2 cents worth of advice.

Let's look at your wife first:

  • She is a liar and a cheat who has successfully deceived you for 2 years.
  • She has put you and your kids at risk for all of this time and continues to do so.
  • She is a cake eater who will keep you around as Plan B.
  • She will justify her behaviour by finding fault with you and then shifting the blame on to you (rewriting your marital history if necessary). You may or may not have been the best husband and that may or may not have caused problems in the marriage. However, only she is responsible for her affair - not you!
  • She will not change the current situation because she has no reason to. Why should she? She has you to provide for her, babysit, help with the house and be her punching bag/doormat and she has the POSOM to get her rocks off with as well as form an emotional attachment to and play at "being in love" with.
  • She is not the woman you married (or think you married) anymore and you need to stop treating her as such.

What you need to do:

  • You need to accept that this marriage is broken and that she broke it by cheating.
  • You need to get ready and be prepared to leave her - you have to be ready to lose her even if you decide to reconcile later. If you go into this not ready to lose her you will not succeed at whatever you try to do with her.
  • She cannot attempt to reconcile until the affair is truly over, the POSOM is out of the picture (she is 100% NC with him), and she owns her cheating as her own fault. She has to tell you the whole truth and answer any of your questions. She has to be completely transparent in her communications and actions. Only then can she really see what she has done and show (by actions not words) true remorse. If any of these do not happen you cannot reconcile.
  • Once she has really broken it off, told you the whole truth, owned her wrongdoing and shown true remorse, you can decide what you want to do - D or R.
  • If she doesn't do these things, go straight to D - do not hesitate.
  • In the meantime do not engage her - do the 180, work on healing yourself, take care of your kids, protect your self and kids financially, physically and emotionally.

No doubt others will chime in with how to find out if she is still cheating, how to find out if she is lying to you etc. Also you will get advice on protecting yourself through legal means and how to do the 180 properly to heal yourself. Stay strong and true to yourself. Good luck.
 
#21 · (Edited)
Most men do not tolerate this, and there is nothing wrong with respectfully pointing that out.

And this is NOT love This is co-dependacy on a grand and shocking scale.

OP you need therapy. I am serious.

And frankly, your wife sounds awful on every level.

Start doing your job and protect your child, by ending this, and getting far away from your wife.

Ill say it one last time: Therapy.
 
#28 ·
Jarhead - I know this is your nickname and you don't have military experience, but I dealt with a soldier in Iraq that was just like you. His wife walked all over him. She had multible affairs, at least one of their two children were not his and he found out while we were in Iraq that she was pregnant again to another man. He was upset but did not want to leave his wife.

He asked her to go see their pastor and she did. This was about the worse case of a BS being a doormat that I ever witnessed. After we came home from Iraq I would talk to him from time to time and he said that he was staying in the M even though his pastor said there was no hope for her.

This guy had 0 (zero) self esteem.

Your wife has severe mental issues, the suicide attempt, the cutting, the blatant A's and the fact that she is flaunting it in your face. And add the arguing between her and family members, like this is a Jerry Springer show.

Jarhead - I really believe you have a case to get custody of your daughter. But you need someone to help you. If you can get a professional, like a Social Worker to guide you through this and help you document how crazy your wife is.

1. Get a professional to help you.

2. Carry a VAR on you at all times and don't let her know you have it.

3. Get tested for STD's.

4. Get good legal advice.

5. Do the 180.

6.I suspect that your wife has a mental disorder and all this is putting your daughter at risk.
Start carrying a VAR on you at all times
 
#29 ·
Look. The longer you let her get away with her ways, the harder it will be for you.

Your first and biggest mistake was taking her back when she had the affair.

She not only screwed the guy, she had UNPROTECTED SEX WITH HIM! Not only did she have unprotected sex with him but HE GOT HER PREGNANT HOW MANY TIMES NOW?

Come on man. How many times do you need to be kicked in the gut before you say enough? Affair. Unprotected sex. The guy knocks her up.

What is there to save. Well, you and your daughter comes to mind. You better come to grips with this situation and realize that it's a no win situation.

This is what you need to do. Find a lawyer and file for divorce. get this woman out of your life. With her track record, you stand a real good chance in keeping your daughter because that woman has serious problems and it's already taking it's toll on you. One of you has to be the stable parent and if it continues, neither one of you will be and then you both have kicked the kid in the gut and your daughter deserves a whole lot better than she's getting.

Wise up. Grow up and do the right thing if not for you then the kid before it's too late.
 
#30 ·
OP you will not nice her out of her affair and back to you.

Your best bet is to file for D and do a serious 180.

Either she gets her head out of the so called fog or she gets left behind. Stop doing stuff for her or her family. It just makes you look weak and pathetic. Neither are desirable traits.

Good luck
Be strong
Wd
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#31 ·
She has brainwashed you to believe that you are a bad husband and that this means that she has every right to have another man, a man whose baby she is having. Are you expected to raise this child? Has she brainwashed you there, too? Think of the poor child, growing up with this horrible dysfunction.

You and your WW both need help, in my opinion, but of a different type. If you can, implement a 180 to try to get a healthier perspective. And then actually get those official papers that you talk about. If you need to have them in hand to start the process of freeing yourself from her, then get them.
 
#33 ·
Ok i have taking your advice and inquired for 3 people near me one being my dad to help me stay focused, contact me atleast once a day to motivate/ keep me on track, and remind me i am doing the right thing.

I am setting our spare room up for myself, getting a running vehicle that my daughter can be in safely ( i break my trucks playing), getting papers in hand, and getting my daily life in order. This is my starting point as an easy thing to jump start my focus and needs.
Also i have printed out and will start reading the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" today.

I feel very good about this i just need to cary this strength and motivation out of my time at work ( alot stronger and focused on me at work and when away from my wife) and keep it going strong at home and in my daily life.

I ask from everyone please any support, comments, advice, motivcation, and still same insight on what you see from my post's.

Thank you all very much it has helped alot.
 
#37 ·
MISSTAKEN- I hate to say it but you should get a DNA test for your daughter. They can be bought online, my BIL got one for his ex girlfriend’s daughter (after he raised her as his own of course) and sadly, the child wasn’t his. Getting not one but two abortions and being pregnant again by the affair partner? Unbelievable. Holy Fvcking Sh!t. What is your limit man? You need to find your anger.


To this point sadly enough few months before we found out we were having our daughter ( we were dating at this time) she had cheated on me with this same guy twice. She fell apart found her cutting and she confessed and reasured me all was over it was a mistake and was true in all her words and actions. Once we found she was pregnant it the word spread o its not mine and that caused huge drama but her and her mother reasured everything and so did dates and phone records about contact. I belived and trusted her and her mom at this time and pushed it aside and still belive my daughter is mine.

My question is though at some minimal chance of my daughter truly not mine and is his, could this be a reason she can not get past some contact with this guy of some kind?

I do belive with the heated, drunken, and angry fights we had if she really knew my daughter was not mine that would of came out as a way to hurt me but it never has.

I also know i really dont want a test because i dont care what the truth is my daughter is mine and i love the little girl to death and no one will take her away from me.
 
#38 · (Edited)
Jarhead.

The hardest thing is to let go of something we just dont want to let go of. Believe me, I only know to well.

The people who have posted have given you great advise, and I hope you follow through. You deserve so much more from your spouse than what your wife is doing to you, and has done to you. Sometimes we just have to realize that the round peg is never going to go into that square hole no matter how much you want it to, pray that it does, or cry real tears to beg it to go in...

I'm sorry you are here, as I too know what it is like living in such uncertainly for 2 years, not a fun way to live. This is real life we are living, there is no dress rehearsal to follow, so make it count as much as you can for you and your daughter.

-sammy
 
#39 ·
My question is though at some minimal chance of my daughter truly not mine and is his, could this be a reason she can not get past some contact with this guy of some kind?


I think that the reason that she cannot get past this guy is that she is a very weak and damaged person without any self discipline and loyalty. Even though you said that you did some bad things to her remember she cheated with this OM before you were married. DO NOT buy into the lie that you made her cheat or that you are to blame for her cheating. You may need to make up for the bad things that you did but her cheating is only on her. She is a serial cheater and I doubt that you can last with clinging to hopes that she gets a LOT better. Her chances are very low at this point.

You will never be enough to fix her; she has to get to the point that she wants to get help and is 100% dedicated to doing what ever gets her a lot better.

You need to prepare yourself to be separated from her and concentrate ONLY on you and your daughter because you can do very little to nothing to change your wife.
You have had your self worth driven down by these serial betrayals and 2 year affair and you are compromising way too much on allowing yourself to be brutally disrespected. Stop the compromising and start building yourself back up and start by choosing accountability and respect over compromise. A weak person like your wife will be enabled by a compromiser. Do what is right for you and your daughter and be willing to choose what is right over compromising and clinging to your wayward wife.

Bottom line is that she is severely damaged and chooses to not get help. You can not do much if anything and the time you spend trying to save her will take away from you and your daughter doing things to get better. IMO, you have to choose; either it is her or you and your daughter. If you choose her the chances of success is very low. If you choose you and your daughter and do the right things the chance of success is very high.
 
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