I have read so many posts here about Reconciliation vs Divorce. It seems to me that most people say reconciliation is the better option. I don't quite understand this since the pain of her cheating really isn't getting any better even with IC and MC. The mind movies still keep playing and the anger is still there. Every time I see her at the computer or playing on her phone, I can't help but wonder. Reconciliation would be so much easier if I could just forget what happened and get rid of the anger. Am I suppose to forget? Will the anger go away? Maybe reconciliation is not the answer??
I think I have owned my affair and the respect of my husband
I think you have too. That's not what I meant. I guess I meant that you seem to let others give you more crap than you deserve, *because*, as I see it, you have earned the respect of your husband and deserve respect from others.
Sorry about that. Not sure if that's because of what I wrote or how you think of me, or just due to the ongoing questioning from others. I don't know when I have questioned your integrity. I can't remember doing it, but that doesn't mean something I wrote wasn't perceived that way.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion of me...as long as they treat me with respect....I am ok.
I went to Healer's Profile (what a strange nick for a person who is anything but a Healer), anyway I looked up past posts of you attacking my wife and started to post them but thought why? Perhaps you are such a small man that picking on women makes you feel big. Is this how you treated your wife.....hmmmmm
Yes, the road is the other character without balls that goes around trying to pick a fight with my wife. Another one that thinks I will pick on women since I am such a small little.....
So, yes, I will defend my wife from your uncalled on bashing.
Oh no, please, by all means, go ahead and post your collection. Let's see this in context. I haven't "attacked" anyone. I may have called her out on a post or 2 in which she described herself as something she was not. But really, let's see it. You certainly attacked me just now.
Go ahead - I want to see all of my "attacks" on your wife.
Thank you very much Mr. and Mrs. Adams for your replies. Also, thank you for putting yourselves out there.
A lot of posters suffered the same harm as Mr. Adams and for one reason or another cannot accept that Mrs. Adams paid for her offense to the one she offended. Other posters still suffer from their wounds by their partners. Unfortunately, none of them will gain any peace by nitpicking her words or looking to expose her as a fraud. She's the real deal. A repentant, remorseful, restoring spouse. Face it, she did not do anything to you. You were not the victim of her infidelity; Mr. Adams was. She paid for her offense, he forgave her, and she has made continual restitution.
If you have ever hurt someone that you love deeply, as she admits, then you know that the pain you experience upon realizing what you did never leaves you. I know someone who once injured their child while intentionally doing something stupid and dangerous. To this day, decades later, whenever they see the scar, they cringe. The realization that they hurt someone that they loved is overwhelming. Mrs. Adams is no saint, nor are any of us, but she sure has paid for her sins and she has shown herself worthy of her husband's respect and love. Further, she has earned my respect for putting herself out there like this. Bravo to her and him, because I would not have done what he did at that stage of my life. I would not endure triggers for 30 years. Forgiveness of this magnitude deserves recognition as well.
You are not going to find any cracks in their foundation. Stop looking and perhaps learn. Maybe the next woman that you find will not have to pay for the crimes of your former wives.
And sorry, but metaphorically sticking a knife in your husband's back and twisting, twisting and turning it, by definition makes you NOT a "very compassionate, sympathetic, kind woman".
Matter of fact, that makes you the antithesis of that. Cheating is cruel, cold-hearted, calculated deceit and betrayal. It's one of the meanest, most heinous things you can do to a person - especially the one person you are supposed to love and cherish above all others.
I suppose this was not an attack, merely a point of view towards my wife.
It's a point of view towards anyone who cheats on their spouse and then calls them-self "very compassionate, sympathetic, kind woman". If a man cheated on his wife and then called himself a "very compassionate, sympathetic, kind man" I'd say the same. Challenging one's incorrect assessment of themself is not an attack - it's matter of fact. This was not an attack, this was calling someone out on their bull****.
If I got on here and professed to be "extremely understanding, compassionate and sympathetic towards wayward spouses", would you call me on it? Yes, because it's simply not true.
I stand by my correction of her self assessment. I'll state it again:
Cheating is cruel, cold-hearted, calculated deceit and betrayal. It's one of the meanest, most heinous things you can do to a person - especially the one person you are supposed to love and cherish above all others.
If you consider that an "attack", you best thicken your skin.
Thank you for clarifying....I see why you do not think you are a attacking....you do not recognize your own disturbed personality. I would recommend that you immediately get into IC. Perhaps it can help you before you have another bad relationship.
So someone claims to be something they clearly are not, and someone calls them on it, and that's an attack?
Now your post, that was an attack. Pretty good, too.
Perhaps your wife, NOW, is all that warm, beautifulness she professed to be, but whilst inserting another dudes penis (read:not yours) into her vagina while you were dutifully working away, was she? Or would you agree with my assessment (or "attack")?
I stand by my previous professional assessment that you need IC. You appear to have anger issues along with recessed feelings. I see that we are the vent for your frustrations. So sorry for all your issues.
Healer I see your point, your general point which is of course the truth about infidelity and the reality, the gravity of what it does and what it is - no argument there, anyone who's been on the receiving end of it will know how right you are.
However I think you might, after a night's sleep, acknowledge it can also be construed as edging 'personal' towards the person you aimed it at
I would also say after two posters, a couple of weeks ago, accused me of something I never said in a thread that it is infuriating when you demand they back up their claims and they choose not to because they can't, so I completely understand your irritation about that
________
In respect of what you are actually saying to MJA again I see your point but in this scenario the passage of time - 30 years - is what makes this difficult. They have found their own way of dealing with it, Are they the same people now that they were then? maturity and experience can change the way subtly that you either accept a person or not.
We are all different and I'd say most of us could not have endured the triggers etc over that time but love, trust respect and resentment is different for all people and we all have our individual answers to what infidelity throws at us
Some are better able to put such huge trangressions and treachery behind them. I thought I could deal with it after more than one betrayal by my stbxw but upon reflection realize I never got past it from the start, never put down the strongest boundaries and my stbx wife was never going to stay inside the ones I flimsily hinted at, hence better to divorce (which I am still trying to do!)
Wow, even after a night's respite this theme is still going on. I don't know how or why Mr and Mrs JA themselves became an object of speculation or inquiry (they have never asked for opinion or input on their own situation, merely told their story in response to others' requests). Let's take a little break. And I hope that when and if Mr and Mrs JA offer their story of hope and reconciliation to someone else who needs it, this same exchange of opinions (let's call it) will not be replayed. It serves no purpose.
Russell: for the record, I don't know if Mrs JA would agree with the characterization "heavy flirting." She never spent any time alone with this guy until the actual day she went with him. How can you have an "affair" under those circumstances? She was attracted to him, had what you might call an adult crush, but it only led to what it did because he played all his cards at once to get what he wanted. It was in fact a ONS, or a OALD (one afternoon lie down), but not an affair in any meaningful sense of the word. IMHO, that is.
They didn't ask for input or opinions, but they put the story out there, so that opens them up to others input and opinions.
As for Mrs. JA.. okay, lets call it light flirting. You call it a crush, attraction.. call it what you like. I call it emotional attachment. What were these magic cards the OM played? I need to get a deck of those.
It's true, Mrs. JA herself said that Mr. JA thinks it was an EA.. I agree with him. I can't agree with both of them, since they don't agree with each other.
He needed for me to acknowledge that I am responsible for his tremendous pain that my fvcking another man caused him.
He needed to know that I understood his pain and that I was sorry for causing it.
He needed to know that I know that I am responsible for causing his pain for fvcking another man.
He needed to know that I know that I caused his pain.
He wanted to make sure that I understood that I was responsible for causing his pain.
I fvcked another man...it caused my husband pain. I am responsible for that pain.
I fvcked another man. It hurt my husband. I am responsible for that pain.
I fvcked another man. One time. And We will live with that choice and the consequences of it the rest of our lives. I am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused him.
OMG....how some people are so consumed with semantics.
I do not care if it is called and EA a PA a ONS an EIEIO. For the life of me I do not know what the debate is about. So, if you want to quote Mr. Adams....I do not care what you call it....and I would also say Mrs. JA does not care what you call it.
The bottom line is the bottom line so it really does not matter.
On top of that it was 30 years ago. Nothing like a little healthy debate, but whoa this is ridiculous.
here is what you can call it...I fvcked another man.
Have a safe flight mr adams... I love you and will see you this afternoon. The hot tub and a bottle of rombauer are waiting for you...and so am I.
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