Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Why is it better to R than D?

37K views 245 replies 51 participants last post by  Mrs. John Adams 
#1 ·
I have read so many posts here about Reconciliation vs Divorce. It seems to me that most people say reconciliation is the better option. I don't quite understand this since the pain of her cheating really isn't getting any better even with IC and MC. The mind movies still keep playing and the anger is still there. Every time I see her at the computer or playing on her phone, I can't help but wonder. Reconciliation would be so much easier if I could just forget what happened and get rid of the anger. Am I suppose to forget? Will the anger go away? Maybe reconciliation is not the answer??
 
#2 ·
I have read so many posts here about Reconciliation vs Divorce. It seems to me that most people say reconciliation is the better option. I don't quite understand this since the pain of her cheating really isn't getting any better even with IC and MC. The mind movies still keep playing and the anger is still there. Every time I see her at the computer or playing on her phone, I can't help but wonder. Reconciliation would be so much easier if I could just forget what happened and get rid of the anger. Am I suppose to forget? Will the anger go away? Maybe reconciliation is not the answer??
I'm going to give you my opinion. It's probably not very popular.

We cannot forget, unless we have some accident with brain damage, or an illness like dementia or alzheimer's. That's just the way our brains work.

I've found that it's nearly impossible for me to get rid of the anger. When I have seen x2 in the grocery store, I felt a great deal of anger. I said nothing to her and just kept moving, after pausing for a minute to get my thoughts together. I do think it is possible to get rid of the anger. I will be working on this for a long time.

Reconciliation is the answer for some, but not all. It is determined on an individual basis. It's not for everyone. Only you can determine if you are able to try to reconcile. You are only one half of that equation. Your wife is the other half.

I wish you all the best. I hope you find the answer that makes you happiest.
 
#3 ·
How long have you been in R? How is your wife responding to it? Has she given full disclosure, full transparency and gone NC with AP?

I've been of the mind that I could never R after an A. However, that's probably because I never approached it the way it is outlined on TAM. It was always rug-swept and there was no real remorse or working on the pain and healing. I can see how if it was done right I might be able to R. I don't know if I could though or if the betrayal would be too big a knock to my confidence and trust in that person. How are things in R? What point are you at? Sorry you are hurting :(
 
#5 ·
Mortie,

For some, it's, "the devil you know versus the devil you don't". I know if you follow what others have done here, you have a pretty darn good chance of reconciliation. These folks here are knowledgeable. There have to be certain things take place that you cannot affect. They have to come from the WS on their own accord. I also think that certain things must be present in your marriage, before, during and after the affair(s).

You will go through many days of doubt. That doesn't mean you should give up. That's pretty normal. Either way you go, divorce or reconciliation, you will go through these doubts.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Mortie
#6 ·
This may be wrong but I think a lot of people try to "R" because in their inner being they (Don't want to lose) and deal with the Devil (mind movies, lack of trust, etc.) because of that inner drive.

They "R" but it is a lifelong questionable "R" why did they let their SO treat them in a way and they let them get away with it when they would have thrown anyone else to the curb if they were betrayed by them? Is it Love or is it the inner thing that if they give up on the one they chose that they will always see this as a major Loss in their life.
 
#9 ·
be interesting to see the true figures on success or failure

For me personally I can't see how there is any confidence of complete success

Here you will find a few wayward spouses that have incredibly for me managed to even begin to do all that is necessary for their betrayed spouses to consider taking them back

There are only a few on here that manage it imo - EI and a couple of others. If you check them out you will see the gargantuan efforts they have made for their betrayed partners.

For a true successful reconciliation the wayward has to completely expose themselves to self examination and analysis in a manner that is, well, almost impossible I'd say. To look inside yourself as they have done is a truly monumental effort and even then there are no guarantees

Personally I've learned the hard way - a few recons that never really got off the ground due to my inability to enforce proper ground rules and borders for fear of turning the marriage into a 'police' state !

I do appreciate how difficult it must be to repair a destroyed marriage even more now because after everything recently my vstxw wanted to 'come home' to me and "try again" - ("We know we still love each other "!). In many of the hours that followed and my listing what I would need to even consider it, we both looked into each others eyes and really for the first time understood she was simply not capable of getting past the first hurdle

Actually it's helped put a knife through something that was writhing around waiting for the final death knell - us - and now impending divorce seems a relief and pleasing outcome

Reconciling is a huge undertaking and without basic unconditional remorse and honesty there is zero chance

Not for the faint hearted imo (especially more than once)
 
#11 ·
I agree with Gabriel. I do not believe one is always better than the other. Each situation is different and factors come in to play. Is the wayward spouse remorseful and willing to help the BS heal? Other factors for different situations exist as well.

I went the route of D in my case but it was the right move in the situation I had to deal with.

I do enjoy reading about successful R though as well.

Best of luck to you
Wd
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#14 ·
I have read so many posts here about Reconciliation vs Divorce. It seems to me that most people say reconciliation is the better option. I don't quite understand this since the pain of her cheating really isn't getting any better even with IC and MC. The mind movies still keep playing and the anger is still there. Every time I see her at the computer or playing on her phone, I can't help but wonder. Reconciliation would be so much easier if I could just forget what happened and get rid of the anger. Am I suppose to forget? Will the anger go away? Maybe reconciliation is not the answer??
First and foremost, your decision whether to R or D should not be based on what you believe is the "popular" or "politically correct" road to travel. What you do should be based solely on your own standards and beliefs, since it is you that must deal with the consequences.

Ask yourself this. Why do you trigger when she is on her computer or playing on her phone? Is it because it brings back memories, or is it because your "gut" is telling you that she is doing something in secret? What is she doing to fix the marriage and help you to heal? Is she fully on your side, or do you feel that she is simply biding her time, waiting for the waters to calm and will continue with an A once she feels you are no longer watching?

While there are a few here who have decided to R and seem to be handling things well, each couple has their own personal issues to resolve. Some of the WSs are truly remorseful and will do anything and everything to repair the damage that they have caused. There are others who fall through the cracks. Still others are together for their children and will suffer any injustice to keep the family intact. It's an individual decision.

On the other hand, there are many threads here which resulted in D. The WS was not remorseful. The WS was playing the usual mind tricks (blame shifting - trickle truth, etc.). For their BS, D was the right call.

There is no "better" conclusion. Either choice can be the right one. Each of us has to decide what decision we can live with. I chose D. My WS showed no remorse and was more than willing to try to hide his As and continue the marriage. I was not willing to live with that. There is no one that can tell me that I made the wrong decision, popular or not. I did what was right for me and I have no regrets.

Reconciliation is not always the answer. It is for some, but not all.
 
#15 ·
For some, yes, marriages can be rebuilt. Not for all. I was in R for 30 years and then last year I finally pulled the trigger on D. Having tried both, I am much happier with D. That sick, gut-wrenching feeling of betrayal is gone. The triggers are gone (except for how much I still dislike the OW's name). I no longer worry about what he's doing. I have forgiven him and can be friends with him.

None of that happened during the 30 years of R because I guess I was subconsciously waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which it did. And so I stepped out of one life and into a better life for me. R is not for everyone.
 
#16 ·
I don't think one is better or worse than the other. I can only speak hypothetically on this, but it would seem to be a very complex decision as so many considerations apply: nature of the betrayal, length and quality of relationship, children, likelihood of success of R, and many intangibles. Personally, I'd be leaning strongly towards D in most scenarios, but can see some where R could be worth the attempt.
 
#17 · (Edited)
It seems to me that most people say reconciliation is the better option.

Not necessarily. The better option is the one that gives you the better life going forward.

I don't quite understand this since the pain of her cheating really isn't getting any better even with IC and MC. The mind movies still keep playing and the anger is still there. Every time I see her at the computer or playing on her phone, I can't help but wonder.

Completely normal. Whether this will improve depends on many things, like has she given you her passcodes and is she being fully transparent and proactive about telling you what she's doing and who she's with?

Reconciliation would be so much easier if I could just forget what happened and get rid of the anger. Am I suppose to forget?

No. If your W expects that you will forget then you probably have little hope for successful R.

Will the anger go away?

It will diminish. How much and how fast depends on what your W is willing to do.

Maybe reconciliation is not the answer??

Maybe not.
A successful R, aside from the obvious need for both partners to be committed to one another and for the affair to be dead dead dead, requires that the WS be truly remorseful and take active measures to express this to the BS. It won't work if the objective (for both of you) is simply to "get back to where we were." You won't. Read the posts of EI, Mrs John Adams, ForeverGrateful and Mrs_Mathias, for example, to see what truly remorseful WS's look like. I thought Mrs. John Adams expressed it most eloquently in one of her posts: "Let me help you carry this burden. It's only fair, since I put it there." If your WW thinks along these lines, then you have a good chance for R.
 
#18 ·
There is no way to answer this in a general way. Its an individual choice. Whats good for me may not be good for you. It depends on the person, the situation, and other factors.

I decided for R. I had a very young daughter to think about and I did what I felt was best for her. I can get past this and my wife is doing all she can to repair the catastrophic damage she caused our family.

Now, if we had no children, I would have divorced her.

I initially stayed because of my daughter. My wife is doing all she can to ensure that I made the right decision.
 
#23 ·
I think there are other potential reasons for trying R. The first and foremost being that the BS just wants to. Period. Everyone has their own line of masochism. Some draw theirs immediately, others tolerate a lot more.

I, for one, have been able to work through my wife's EA, which was a pretty big hurdle. I also could probably get over a really drunk ONS that she could barely remember. Maybe. But if her EA developed into her surrendering her body to the OM, I would never have recovered, and nothing, not my 3 kids, nor our surely resulting financial struggles would have stopped me from D.
 
#24 ·
Reconciliation isn't always better than divorce and vice versa.

It depends on the two people involved.

If you can't see yourself ever coming to a point where her cheating doesn't enter your mind and you getting angry about it, then divorce is your best option. Believe me, I know!

Your anger will go away, but never completely. You will boil inside once in a while thinking about her spreading her legs for someone else. That I guarantee.

So for you, I believe divorce is best for you. And trust me my man, you won't regret it. There are better women out there.
Myself I choose to stay single, but for you, there are better women, guaranteed.
 
#25 ·
One really isn’t better than the other. But in my head... you can always D. That option never disappears. Same can’t be said of R after you D. At least I’m not built that way. Should I decide to D, my personal efforts will be made toward that end and moving on with my life. R would no longer be possible.
 
#26 ·
From experience I can tell you that you will never forget, but you don't have to forget to be able to forgive. The anger will subside once you are able to truly forgive, and you will know you have once the thoughts and events don't affect you like they have in the past. They will be nothing more than thoughts but the feelings of it wont be attached to it anymore. Or at least this is what I have been told.
 
#27 ·
Here's my view:

If a BS takes the road of R, they can't know which is better. At least not until they're on their deathbed, or looking over their WS's deathbed.

If at that point, they can look back on the years since Dday and know their spouse remained remorseful, faithful - and they loved each other to the end;that's when they can know.

You see, that's the problem with being betrayed.
 
#28 ·
Regardless of the choice to R or D, I don't think the pain of betrayal nor the anger ever completely goes away. It gets better, a lot better as time goes on but it's never fully gone.

There are those on CWI that have been reconciled for years and DDay still rears its ugly head. There are also those that have been divorced and even some that have remarried, yet here we all are.

Whether R or D is better for someone else is not for me to say.
 
#29 ·
Only you can decide if you can or want to R. And even if you WANT to, it doesn't mean you can. And even if you CAN, it doesn't mean you want to.

I tried, really hard. I swallowed my pride and comforted her when she realized I had moved on and slept with someone else. After that happened she decided she wanted to R, and I had wanted to all along, because I knew I had to TRY and save my family. I couldn't just give up.

I soon realized I could not and did not want to reconcile. I realized the betrayal was too deep, I wasn't willing to spend the rest of my days policing her, worrying, wondering, having mind movies, being angry, not trusting, and dealing with that brutal struggle within every Goddamned day. I realized life is too short to continue dedicating my life to someone who threw me away like a piece of dog sh*t. I'm better than that, I can do better than her, and why would I want to live with someone like that?

So, I am eagerly awaiting the divorce to come through. It is filed.

The choice is yours and yours alone. Nobody, NOBODY has any say but you (unless she doesn't want to R). But this is your game now. You hold the cards. Don't feel you have to R - because you don't. And realize this - if you decide you want to stay with her, you will live a very different life, just like if you D. Your trust is gone, gone for good. A part of you has died and it will never fully come back. Can you live with the consequences of her cheating, and live with her too? I couldn't do it.

Divorce is scary, but living a lie is even scarier.

Best to you whatever you decide.
 
#31 ·
I soon realized I could not and did not want to reconcile. I realized the betrayal was too deep, I wasn't willing to spend the rest of my days policing her, worrying, wondering, having mind movies, being angry, not trusting, and dealing with that brutal struggle within every Goddamned day. I realized life is too short to continue dedicating my life to someone who threw me away like a piece of dog sh*t. I'm better than that, I can do better than her, and why would I want to live with someone like that?

So, I am eagerly awaiting the divorce to come through. It is filed.

The choice is yours and yours alone. Nobody, NOBODY has any say but you (unless she doesn't want to R). But this is your game now. You hold the cards. Don't feel you have to R - because you don't. And realize this - if you decide you want to stay with her, you will live a very different life, just like if you D. Your trust is gone, gone for good. A part of you has died and it will never fully come back. Can you live with the consequences of her cheating, and live with her too? I couldn't do it.

Divorce is scary, but living a lie is even scarier.

Best to you whatever you decide.
:iagree::iagree::iagree:
 
#35 · (Edited)
Thanks for all the great posts and advice. We have been in R since Sept 2013 when I found out that she had slept with her ex boyfriend just prior to us getting married 22 years ago. Its old to her but new to me. She lied about it and then came clean after 22 years. I then found out that she had been PMing, texting, emailing and talking on the phone to another POSOM on a forum similar to this up until Nov 2013. She claims there was nothing to it but her trying to help POSOM with his marriage but she was deleting all of the phone calls, emails and texts attempting to hide it from me.

Since in R, she has given me all of her passwords and logins, she not longer deletes the computer history and I have all of her phone records. 99% of the time she seems remorseful. This is her consequence for her sleeping with her ex and her EA with POSOM. By the way she still claims the EA was not an EA because she had no feeling towards him. She also claims that it wasnt an EA according to Not Just Friends but it was a slipery slope. But of course as far as the quiz in Not Just Friends, only she would know the truth as to the answers. As far as I can tell the EA ended in Nov 2013.

The triggers still happen when I see her playing on her phone and on the computer because that was how she communicated with POSOM. I dont have any evidence that she is still talking to POSOM by phone or computer but the triggers are still there.

In my past, all of the women that I dated including one that I was engaged to had cheated on me so I cut them loose as soon as I found out. I was not given the opportunity to make the decision about her because I didnt find out for 22 years and we now have 3 kids.

The decision to R or D is very hard now due to the children. I do love her more than anyting but I HATE what she has done to me and the kids. The kids are to young to understand any of this other than the fact that Mommy and Daddy are not getting along. I know in my heart that she is remorseful and that she seems to be doing everything that she can today to make things right. My problem is that I feel like a push over for trying to R. She didnt have any problem p***ing on me 22 years ago and lying about it. She didnt worry about passing on a disease to me. All she thought about back then was herself. She didnt think about hurting me whe she started talking behind the scenes on a forum with POSOM for the last 2 to 3 years. The old me would have said he** NO to any kind of R. I feel like I have a "kick me" sign on my back for going through R.
 
#36 ·
The decision to R or D is very hard now due to the children. I do love her more than anyting but I HATE what she has done to me and the kids. The kids are to young to understand any of this other than the fact that Mommy and Daddy are not getting along. I know in my heart that she is remorseful and that she seems to be doing everything that she can today to make things right. My problem is that I feel like a push over for trying to R. She didnt have any problem p***ing on me 22 years ago and lying about it. She didnt worry about passing on a disease to me. All she thought about back then was herself. She didnt think about hurting me whe she started talking behind the scenes on a forum with POSOM for the last 2 to 3 years. The old me would have said he** NO to any kind of R. I feel like I have a "kick me" sign on my back for going through R.
I feel you. The kids made this decision an easy one. I wasnt ready to destroy the life they have always knows and my daughter is to young to understand. If I thought there was even the slightest chance we could work this out, I would do it over and over for my kids.

The feeling of her "getting away with it" eats at me all the time. Like you said, she wasnt worried about anyone other than herself. I try to tell myself that even though she keeps her marriage and family, she didnt just get away with it. She lost a lot. She lost trust, respect from me and her son, and respect from the family. She also lost a lot of me. I would have done anything to make her life easier before. Not anymore.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top