09-28-2010, 04:21 PM
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
| | Re: Need Help! Caught husband fooling around again. Kicked him out.
I'm sure this is very upsetting for you and for your children. Even though they are older now, they are still young enough yet to not fully understand all the ins and outs of marriage, so on the very temporary basis I would recommend keeping some of your focus on them and protecting them. My guess is that it will give you both some comfort and strength to spend time with them.
Regarding your husband, frankly this is fairly clear and easy. He is a grown man and an adult. He is personally responsible for his choices, and he is responsible to experience the consequence of his choices. Even if he was sexually assaulted as a child that doesn't give him "the right" to behave badly as an adult! Sure it can help in understanding why he does it, but he's ADULT now and thus he has a duty to himself to get himself to therapy on his own volition and deal with his own issues.
I personally believe you did a reasonable thing in that the cost of choosing to NOT take himself to counseling and choosing to have these ongoing sexual encounters is that he is not part of your life or his family's life. If he does want to be part of your life and your family's lives then the cost is that he *has to* deal with his issues. Period. It's very clear. I also think it was reasonable of you to kick him out but not immediately threaten or file for divorce. He may whine and moan about having to live with the consequence of his choice, but this gives him a chance to either do the right thing, take responsibility, and straighten himself out....or continue to ignore it, continue to blame others or the past. and continue being sick.
During this time, I would suggest that you be pretty firm with him and don't "help" him at all. He's a grown man, and he can find a therapist, remember to get there and get there on time, and find his own transportation. He can cook and clean for himself, etc. However, I would also suggest that during this time apart you also take time to deal with your own issues or any issues the kids might have due to everything that's going on, and deal with yourself just as honestly. Learn how to speak up for yourself but in a self-aware way not a demanding way. Learn about anger and how to deal with it appropriately, etc. Keep your focus on you, working on your own things and keeping the kids safe.
Oh I pray that your husband will get the help he needs.