Need Help! Caught husband fooling around again. Kicked him out.

desertsage · 09-28-2010, 02:21 PM

After 22 years of marriage I caught my husband fooling around at work. He admitted she performed a sex act on him. I flew into a rage and told him to get out.

History- He has had a problem with phone sex and porn addiction. He said something horrible happened in his childhood and he saw a counselor for a time or two. I stayed with him because we had 2 children and he was a good provider and very involved with them.

2 years ago I caught him in his many lies and he finally admitted different trysts with women that he uses as object. (He is a sick man) He does not seem to get attached to these women. I told him to leave.

At this time he begged and pleaded to come back after a week. Calling the kids daily who were then 17 and 18. They in turn were crying to me please let dad come back. I let him come back under strick circumstances.He promised he would change, I would know his where abouts at all times etc etc...To be honest he was he really did change he was so nice to me as nice as he had ever been.

He would talk to me all the time and carry on conversations that never would happen before. In the earlier part of our marriage he was a very quiet man, often a loner. So I had really enjoyed this new person I was living with.

Then sure enough i found out he had a sexual encounter with a women from work again. She did something sexual for him. I flew into a rage amd kicked him out.

Now I am on SSDI and really can not handle this behavior and stress anymore so I am done with him. My kids said they don't want him back in there lives either unless he gets help. They are now 19 and 20.

He still has not called his kids and I told him they are very hurt. I told him he needs to call them and apologize.

So I met him for dinner last night and he stormed off during dinner, crying saying his kids don't want him so he is not coming home.He said it was the worse the day in his life, worse than when his dad died. The man is not thinking clear. He is making terrible choices. I don't know what to do.

jessi · 09-28-2010, 02:29 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here and in the position you are in, this is a great place to be and lots of great people here to help you through this.....
Your husband has hit rock bottom this time and he knows it and is distraught.........
You are right to have removed him from the home for now at least. He needs to get some help with his addiction to sex and he needs to get a grip on his boundaries in his life and in your marriage.....
Until he gets help with whatever is happening in his life you can't work on your marriage or relationship.
Try to be supportive, he is emotionally sick and needs help......tell him that you are not finished with him but you can't live with the man he is chosing to be right now..........
Go with him, support him........make him know that whatever happened in the past is in the past and nothing to do with you and your family.........
hopefully he will go and get help

desertsage · 09-28-2010, 02:56 PM

Jessi, Thank you for responding with advise. I don't have any family here and I don't want to burden my friends constantly and I do feel alone and don't know what to do.

Your advise really makes sense. thank you!

Affaircare · 09-28-2010, 04:21 PM

desertsage~

I'm sure this is very upsetting for you and for your children. Even though they are older now, they are still young enough yet to not fully understand all the ins and outs of marriage, so on the very temporary basis I would recommend keeping some of your focus on them and protecting them. My guess is that it will give you both some comfort and strength to spend time with them.

Regarding your husband, frankly this is fairly clear and easy. He is a grown man and an adult. He is personally responsible for his choices, and he is responsible to experience the consequence of his choices. Even if he was sexually assaulted as a child that doesn't give him "the right" to behave badly as an adult! Sure it can help in understanding why he does it, but he's ADULT now and thus he has a duty to himself to get himself to therapy on his own volition and deal with his own issues.

I personally believe you did a reasonable thing in that the cost of choosing to NOT take himself to counseling and choosing to have these ongoing sexual encounters is that he is not part of your life or his family's life. If he does want to be part of your life and your family's lives then the cost is that he *has to* deal with his issues. Period. It's very clear. I also think it was reasonable of you to kick him out but not immediately threaten or file for divorce. He may whine and moan about having to live with the consequence of his choice, but this gives him a chance to either do the right thing, take responsibility, and straighten himself out....or continue to ignore it, continue to blame others or the past. and continue being sick.

During this time, I would suggest that you be pretty firm with him and don't "help" him at all. He's a grown man, and he can find a therapist, remember to get there and get there on time, and find his own transportation. He can cook and clean for himself, etc. However, I would also suggest that during this time apart you also take time to deal with your own issues or any issues the kids might have due to everything that's going on, and deal with yourself just as honestly. Learn how to speak up for yourself but in a self-aware way not a demanding way. Learn about anger and how to deal with it appropriately, etc. Keep your focus on you, working on your own things and keeping the kids safe.

Oh I pray that your husband will get the help he needs.

desertsage · 09-28-2010, 05:50 PM

Affaircare:
Thank you I am listening to your advise. Thank you! It is time to stand up for myself. I have started to workout regularly and in about 4 months I have lost 25 lbs.

I am taking myself back and I have decided to fix myself. The kids are getting off to a good start. I have a shattered heart.

Thank you!