10-04-2010, 12:50 PM
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
| | Re: I was the one who cheated
An affair is the end result of a growing problem in a marriage: it is perceived as the best (or at least, the funnest) solution to the problem. The error in making this decision is that there has been a prior commitment to the marriage - a promise to remain faithful - at least in most marriage vow verbiage.) This means that the affair is a choice to either break vows, or an admission that the vows were a lie in the first place. Either option is pretty much irrelevant: the issue is that the vows were broken, meaning that the choice of the affair was the wrong solution to the initial problem in the marriage.
This does not mean that the problems that lead up to the affair are irrelevant, nor are they non-existent. Those problems are real, and obviously serious. I would point out that the problems in a marriage are the responsibility of BOTH spouses, because a marriage is a union of two people. If one person is behaving in a harmful way, they are culpable for their actions - but their spouse is culpable for allowing the issue to continue. They are responsible to the marriage for finding a solution. And the affair, while it is an attempt at solving the problems - is the incorrect solution.
So while lonelylady is responsible for the incorrect choice of the affair, the affair DID NOT CAUSE the problem in the marriage - to which the affair seems a good solution.
Not stating and maintaining boundaries is part of that problem. Not being willing to take steps to protect yourself, should those boundaries be ignored, is also a problem. And finally, a husband who will not be a partner in the marriage is a HUGE problem.
But keep in mind that the ONLY person you can change is yourself. That means that if you wish to make things better, you'll have to change yourself!
Are you over the affair? I don't mean, have you ended your relationship with this Other Person. I mean, how often do you think about that person instead of your husband? How much time do you spend thinking about 'how things might have been'?