I was the one who cheated

lonelylady · 10-01-2010, 09:11 PM

I tried talking to my husband about what needs to be worked on and he just wouldn't listen. It is my second marriage and his first, he moved in to my house, makes at least 3 times what I do. He will not help w/ the mortgage payment says that it is my house and he needs to save for retirement. He does very little around the house, says he doesn't use things in the house. We had an agreement in regards to housing and finances before we got married and that agreement has been thrown out the window.
So yes I cheated on him, both emotionally and physically. I got tired of not being appreciated. He found out and asked me to end it. I did. We tried couseling and all he wanted to do was blame me. I admit I made a mistake but all he wants to do is blame me. He told me that he isn't sure that he loves me yet he wants to be intimate with me. I am at the end of my rope.

lobokies · 10-01-2010, 10:27 PM

you must work on your marriage .. but accept the consequence about your affair.

remember, affair is not the solution if you feel you are not appreciated. divorce or separate first then you go with Other Man.

speak to him calmly and ask what he wants. if he keep blaming you, you should accept it but ask what he wants and follow his wants.

cheaters deserve to be blame(no offense)

LuvMyH · 10-02-2010, 07:04 AM

I don't think you're to blame for all of the problems in your marriage. You made a mistake, but it seems like he has, too.

How long have you married and how long has it been since you ended the affair? Are you over the other man? Are you in love with your husband?
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Katoxox · 10-02-2010, 09:21 AM

hi there, I think that even though there never is a good reason for cheating so they say, i tend to disagree we are human we want to feel wanted desired etc etc and somtimes even after discussing wioth your partner they just dont get it
my question is ...why do you want to stay? stability? security?
scared to be alone?

friendly · 10-04-2010, 03:16 AM

No no no. It's true that your husband hasn't been a husband. How come he's being so indifferent and selfish? What did he mean, your house, not my house? Your things and my things?

He's not a man who you should share your life time with because he doesn't want to share! I won't blame on your affairs.

Affairs are the results of an unhappy marriage. No women wants to get married and plans to end up having an affair. Every woman deserves a loving and supportive husband. He's the probably the most selfish husband I have heard so far in this forum.

DawnD · 10-04-2010, 06:59 AM

LuvMyH has some good questions. In all the online searching I did, most pages devoted to helping overcome infidelity specifically say that you should give some time for the BS to cope with the affair before you try to bring in the problems that led to it. How long has all of this been? How long was the affair? How long ago did it end??

Tanelornpete · 10-04-2010, 12:50 PM

An affair is the end result of a growing problem in a marriage: it is perceived as the best (or at least, the funnest) solution to the problem. The error in making this decision is that there has been a prior commitment to the marriage - a promise to remain faithful - at least in most marriage vow verbiage.) This means that the affair is a choice to either break vows, or an admission that the vows were a lie in the first place. Either option is pretty much irrelevant: the issue is that the vows were broken, meaning that the choice of the affair was the wrong solution to the initial problem in the marriage.

This does not mean that the problems that lead up to the affair are irrelevant, nor are they non-existent. Those problems are real, and obviously serious. I would point out that the problems in a marriage are the responsibility of BOTH spouses, because a marriage is a union of two people. If one person is behaving in a harmful way, they are culpable for their actions - but their spouse is culpable for allowing the issue to continue. They are responsible to the marriage for finding a solution. And the affair, while it is an attempt at solving the problems - is the incorrect solution.

So while lonelylady is responsible for the incorrect choice of the affair, the affair DID NOT CAUSE the problem in the marriage - to which the affair seems a good solution.

Not stating and maintaining boundaries is part of that problem. Not being willing to take steps to protect yourself, should those boundaries be ignored, is also a problem. And finally, a husband who will not be a partner in the marriage is a HUGE problem.

But keep in mind that the ONLY person you can change is yourself. That means that if you wish to make things better, you'll have to change yourself!

Are you over the affair? I don't mean, have you ended your relationship with this Other Person. I mean, how often do you think about that person instead of your husband? How much time do you spend thinking about 'how things might have been'?