Katoxox

Hi group, so happy to have found you, i dont have anyone to talk to at least about this.
l have been married for almost 11 years this is our 2nd marriage.
my first marriage of 5 years ended when at 8months pregnant with my 2nd child my husband who was have a cyber affair which i knew about remember this was about 16 yrs ago. so i was naive and thought it was harmless until my daughter was aboyt 1 month old and my husband asked if he could meet iwth this woman i was pissed to say the least here i am 30 lbs heavier 2 nd child. i thought that our marriage was perfect we never argued, our sex life was very active 5 6 times a week even through my pregancies and very open and experimental so that take away at 2 reasons that tend to be the main reason for cheating so they say. i told him NO and that if he did i would seek a divorce. joke is on me where was I going with a new born and a 2yr old and no job. he kept insisting and finally i said you know you obviously want this bad if you keep insisting and I believe when someone wants something they wil eventually do it no matter what so i told him go ahead and then i started playing on the internet i thought to be save i would play in a chatroom from a differnet country that it would be difficult to actually meet up well it didnt work that way i met with someone who was living in a country where my sister was kiving at the time i went to visit my sister with my husbands encouragemnet and knowing of my internet activties and encourage it, so I did that long distance relationship last for a year. he asked me to leave myhusband and marry him but i could not move to another country so after i year i traveled to meet him for the last time and said our sad sad goodbyes. After that i thought we could start all over and save the marriage but i just couldnt i felt disillusioned i want the romeo and juliet love and felt that my marriage was a farse we were both unfaithful and i wanted to start over a monogomus marriage. I was determined to leave so I found a job where i met my husband, i moved outon my own with my daughters and then eventually divorced and married my current husband. after a year of being married my husband knowing everything about my past big mistake he told me he wanted to have a threesome MFM i was pissed but eventually being a guilted catholic and thinking it was my mission in life to always please others I did. i did no9t enjoy it and had a huge argument and said never again once to please you but thats it. once again i found myself dissappointed. our marriage was horrendous from that point on my husband didnt trust me accused me of cheating constantly almost on a daily basis he checked in with me almost 10 times a day going to work was unbearable because he treated it like i was going out to party. after 8yrs of this behaviour i was at my wits end and not wanting a second divorce i stayed and kept quiet about the going on the verbal and mental abuse that god i was used to getting it frommy mother so i was able to hold on my kids were my strength. one day it dwaned on me that maybe exploring the 3some situation would make him happy and hopefully leav em alone so to speak. so 2.5 years we began our escapade we posted ads and found our first third we talk texted well i did with the 3rd and when i felt comfy he had our threesome i wanted a friendship not just sexual,guy turmned out to quite boring in person and not friendship i longed for so the searched continued and thats when we met S.S. we chatted online for almost 6weeks and I felt an instant connection we finally got together and i was os attracted to him we continued the threesome till march of this year. at first quite often tehn once or twice last year and once this year. he is married and and last year while texting i was away on business and invited him to meet me thats when he said i wonder if the one on one was a possibility but didnt want to ask i told him my husband was totaly against it and it would be our secret, never having cheated on my husband i was scared of getting cuaght but this Weds. i give in and we met one on one. hers the thing the sex is not that great but i dont know why i want this guy of course not permanently, I did ask my husband if i could when i first had th e desire if i could have a one on one with SS and he said that was not the agreement. So my dilema is that since iour threesome i have gotten back my freedom and now his new job keeps us away from eachother and i now have free time. i find myself wanting to stray. i feel like whats the difference if I sleep with SS with you or without myhusband well i know the differnce the intimacy that why my husband doesnt want it and that why I do, any thoughts? i think i may win longest post LOL

Initfortheduration

Why are you married? Neither of you are committed to each other. You don't want a good marriage. You want to cheat with other guys. Come to think about it. You should both stay married because you deserve each other and it would not be a good thing to separate only to turn around and cheat on new partners. I guess you find debasing yourself fun. I pity your kids.

Katoxox

guys i guess what im wondering is? Is this regret? revenge ? oh i forgot to mention he just started a business and as expected things take time and now behind one month on our mortage and may probably end up having to foreclose. I work and make enough money to support myself and my 2 daughters from a previous marriage.
Not only did i have to put up leaving with a leash around my neck but trying to support him has also hurt me finacially. i feel i can do better on my own.
Here's the main issue, he wont leave and pulls the pity act on me he cant live without me what is he supposed to do etc etc
Since i now have the upper hand i have said and done things i would of never done n the past.

Katoxox

i did want a good marriage, and you are correct a marriage is not about being with other people. unfornately not all view marriage the same way. thanks for your feedback although a little too blunt i do appreciate your honesty

Katoxox

ps what debasing?

Initfortheduration

"debasing" is degrading yourself, your marriage and your family. You have no control over what others do. But you do have control over what you do. I'm blunt? All I wrote about is what you are actually doing. Don't you think what you are doing is "blunt". Is the way you are acting your definition of being married?

Katoxox

Of course its not a definition of marriage, at least it shouldnt be.
I'm not sure why you are so harsh and judgemental maybe it just the writing.
I never said i condone my behaviour nor that it was right. i think you may have understood my post completely.

Initfortheduration

Harsh and judgmental? Looks like I'm the only one defending your marriage. Maybe if you were a little more harsh and judgmental about your actions, your marriage would have a chance at surviving.

Tanelornpete

I second Initfortheduration:

Why are you married? That makes no sense at all! Neither of you is interested in it, both of you are doing all you can to destroy it!

I don't accept the notion that 'people define marriage differently' - if that were true, then a single guy could call himself married and no one could object. If everyone has their own definition for a word, the word means nothing. That may be convenient to get away with anything, but not useful.

Marriage is, above everything else, a commitment between two people for life. When the marriage begins, there is a formal statement of conditions to which both partners agree. If you don't agree with the conditions, do not take the vow! Don't say you'll do something if you don't intend to. For all extents and purposes, that's called lying.

And basing a relationship on a lie is fatal to the relationship.

The idea that you have 'the upper hand' is an enormous red flag. That must never be a part of marriage: the marriage is doomed whenever one of the partners believes this to be true.

So - why are you married? You'd be much better off single. And I do not say this lightly - I am 100% in favor of marriage - to the extent that I believe that ANY marriage can be saved. Problem is: you have to want the marriage for it to be saved. And you must be willing to work on it!