Angie

I just found out that my husband of five years has been having an emotional affair with someone in his field of work. They do not work in the same office, yet at times the two work places overlap. He denied it when I questioned him and only until I showed the proof did he admit. I suspected something a few weeks before so started to log a suspecious number he was dialing on his phone. I noticed that he called it everyday right before he came home to me (on his way from work). he denies having any physical contact with her, but how do I know that is true?

I am so lost....confused...alone and I don't know what to do. How can I ever trust him if we try to work it out. On the other hand, I can't think of being withought him. He said he was sorry, yet doesn't show much emotion as if he doesn't really care. At one point when I he was denying it, he said that we were over because I was calling him a liar and did not trust him.

Help...Where do I start and what do I do?

draconis

Tell him that unless he lives a transparent life then you need to find something else. He needs to prove to you he is once again ready to be trusted.

draconis

__________________
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LostandAlone

Don't let him get you with that line because my wife did the same thing before I found proof that she had a physical affair with the OM. It's just a way to manipulate you to think you are in the wrong. I fell victim to this as well as many other manipulation tactics while I was unsure of whether or not they actually slept together. I went out and purchased Web Watcher to install on her laptop which recorded her new email passwords. I knew I wouldn't like what I would find but I had to know because it was killing me letting her convince me that I was being a bad husband by accusing her even though I was 99.9% sure. Once I found absolute, undeniable proof and called her out on it I felt much better....and worse because it was real.

My point is manipulation and turning the tables on you is textbook behavior for someone having an affair. I almost think that after a while they begin to believe the lies they are telling and think you are the bad spouse. I'm not saying to necessarily go out and buy something to spy on him with, just to protect yourself. If you do get proof through snooping don't be surprised when it gets turned around on you again by telling you that you are a bad person for snooping. All tactics to make themselves feel better about what they know they are doing wrong.

Angie

Thanks for the comment. After I wrote that thread, I found out that he had deleted her number from his phone, yet only to save it under another name. I figured it out. When do I call it quits...should I when I find out for sure? I just don't want to give up. I saw a priest today and he said to never give up unless I know for sure. He says that because I don't have proof, then I am going on my feelings. Now the new name is gone, but it doesn't take much to memorize it and deleted after it's used. Are there any recorders I can attach to his bag or in his car that anyone knows of?

odchoi

The best way is to catch him like how lostandalone did it. Cheaters continue to deny what they are doing even if it is already very obvious.

Maybe you can get a little stress off by talking it out with him just to know the real score between you and him.

LostandAlone

There are recording devices that you can purchase but they are expensive and harder to hide. I thought about getting one that was the shape and size of a pen but that only would give me 1 side of the conversation. There are other devices to pull deleted text messages and phone #'s from a cell phone but if your husband is like my wife he doesn't let it out of his site for long.

Web Watcher cost about $100 and if you have access to the computer he would be using it's very easy. All you do is open up an email that the company sends you and it installs the program on the computer. It is completely undetectable and can only be accessed by a hotkey combination. You would then just pull up the website and log in where you can see everything that he does on the computer. For me the best info was the email passwords because she thought she was safe when she changed them on me and therefore she let her guard down and saved some pretty incriminating stuff.

Now for the question of when do you leave. It really depends on how much you are willing to put up with. My wife refused to stop talking to him on the phone which would have pushed most men away however I decided to hang in there. Then when I found out about the physical part and a scheduled rendezvous I STILL did not give up completely however I did prepare to protect myself. Now I am just waiting on her decision to go on this rendezvous or to call it off. For me that is where I drew the line in the sand. If she goes I am immediately filing for divorce. If not I will give counseling more time and will work on saving the marriage. Deep down I know she will end up choosing him but at least I can say that I did everything that could be expected and more to save the marriage. For me that means a lot and will help me get closure.