Scalpel~
I get the distinct impression that you are casting about, looking for something "to do" but not really wanting to do what you know you NEED to do in order to fix this. So let me remind you of your plan.
There are
seven steps to ending an affair. Each step builds upon the other, and you can not skip one. The steps are:
#1--Gather Evidence. This is not so you can show the evidence to your spouse and "make" them confess. One lady here on this forum had dead proof and her ex (now) never did admit it--he divorced her and denied it to the end and is still with OW! I know of another person who's wife was a realtor and she met her lover in an house she was supposed to be showing. He literally caught them IN THE ACT and as she put her clothes on she said, "It's not what it looks like." So you can gather evidence until you are blue in the face, but it won't "make" the disloyal admit it. This evidence is for you--so you know that you can trust your gut instinct. Now scalpel, YOU already know that your wife is cheating again. You've already done this step so you don't need more evidence. Time to move to step #2.
# 2 Confront. Go to the disloyal directly and tell them to their face that you know about the affair and have evidence in a safe place that proves it's real irrefutably. Don't tell them where it is or what it is necessarily, just make the statement that you know about it. Then state right out loud that in order for the marriage to work there can not be infidelity and ask them point blank to end the affair.
So, scalpel, your plan now is not to cast about, doing bit of step #1 and step #5 and some of #7. You can't pick and choose what you "feel like" doing, just as a patient who needs surgery can not pick some of the tests, not the x-rays, pick ether and not more modern anesthetics, and then tell you that you can only operate on their left arm. If the issue is on their right leg, then there are steps that must be taken...in order. They HAVE TO have all the test. They have to have x-rays. They need to use an anesthetic that doesn't make them violently ill afterward. They HAVE TO let you operate on the right side!
Does that make sense. If you want a chance for your marriage to be happy and emotionally healthy for both of you, you need to do the steps, in order. And now you are at step 2. So the plan is to arrange a time as soon as possible to talk to your wife directly, tell her you KNOW she is having an affair again, tell her this is the second time in X years and you will not be with a spouse who will not give you 100% of her affection and loyalty, and ask her point blank if she is willing to end all contact right now and work with you to fix the marriage.
Just for discussion, here are the rest of the steps:
#3 Disclose. If the disloyal either refuses to end the affair, the next step is to disclose the affair to ONE very respected authority whom the disloyal is likely to look up to and listen to...someone who is likely to be pro-marriage and tell the disloyal that having an affair is not acceptable.
#4 Exposure. If the disloyal hardens their heart and refuses to end it, the next step is to expose the affair to those who will likely be affected by a potential divorce. The idea behind exposure is not to drag your disloyal spouse's name and reputation through the mud (their ACTIONS are doing that!) but rather to refuse to keep the affair a "secret." The loyal spouse should contact their own family (parents and siblings), the disloyal's parents and siblings, their church or place of worship, some of the loyal spouse's co-workers, some of the disloyal spouse's co-workers, the loyal spouse's employer, the disloyal spouse's co-workers, and the other person's spouse and inform them that the disloyal spouse is having an affair, that it is serious, that the marriage is in trouble, and ask for help.
#5 Carrot & Stick. In this phase you focus on two things: work on yourself to be the person you once were who attracted your spouse again AND allow your disloyal to experience the natural consequences of their choices.
#6 NO CONTACT. In this step you write the disloyal a letter and explain that you love them, admit the things you did to contribute to the affair, indicate what you're doing to end those things, and then say that unless they end ALL contact with the OP and never, EVER contacts the OP again, you need to end all contact with the disloyal. The idea behind this step is to give them a more realistic taste of what divorce could be like--to not have you in their life to meet ANY needs!
#7 Legal Separation. To be blunt, most affairs die a natural death within two years, so if a loyal spouse can stall for that amount of time, there is a good chance that the disloyal spouse would at least consider returning. Thus, as a tactic that will both stall the legal process of divorce and protect both the family assets and the loyal spouse and children, we would recommend a legal separation and suggest a minimum of one year legal separation.
Re: She did it again 
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at 
