My husband and I have been together 9 yr, married about 6 of those. We got married young and have 3 young kids. We have had our ups and downs. Like 2 yrs ago I found out while we were engaged he slept with someone. It took a loong time but I started trusting him and we moved passed. Well since then about every 9 months he gets caught flirting/ talking and txt girls. I always find out and get mad and put a stop to it. Well about 18 months ago when I found out about flirting and the engagment thing we had a loong talk about wether to stay together or split and we decided we both really wanted to stay together.
Fast foward to last week, he started inocently talking to someone he helped teach in EMT class then he got tired of her asking questions about getting a job at his work or in the field so he told her to just call him. Well somewhere along the line it turned naughty and they exchanged pictures of their stuff to eachother. He swears up and down it never got physical. I told his I was totally fed up espeically since he keeps flirting once a yr or so. He started to whine about his 20's passing him by, not happy with job and how each day just seems like the last. He said he likes to talk to new ppl and that him and I have talked about everything and it's boring now.
He talked about divorce and said i deserve better than him, that he has a problem, he's afraid i won't every trust him since it's not the 1st time ect. I said it you don't want to change then i guess we have to. We cried he said he wasn't really ready to make such a big decison so fast. He talked to friends/ family and came back and we talked and he wants to be with me and the kids. I said I want to try and work it out but there have to be big changes and both of us agreed. Now we are looking to head to counseling but everyone is telling us it won't work and counseling is always a waste of time.
So what do I do? As far as I can tell he does want to get better and work on this. He says he wants me and the kids and as much as I am hurt and pissed I can't imagine life without him. Is there hope or is this just set to repeat it's self?
It sounds like you've been through a lot and now struggling with a lot of decisions. With regards to counseling, people only get out of it what they put into it and its not always an easy process. Counseling can work if both parties are willing to do the work that it takes to make the relationship work, including commitment, compromise and communication. The problem is that so many people think that going to a counselor makes it easier, when in fact most of the work is done outside of the counseling sessions putting into practice the things learned from the therapist inside the counseling session.
With regards to your husband and the "sexting" - some men want to feel desired and needed and feel the excitement of the newness of the relationship. It could be that you both might just need to work on spicing up your relationship while also working on trust and commitment issues that may have developed as a result of the repeated issues over time. Additionally, you both may have different expectations of each other and needs that are unfulfilled because you may not have talked about it.
Have you discussed each others needs and worked out a plan to fulfill those needs?
That would be my suggestion for where to start the communication and working out a plan for action instead of blaming each other which can take a relationship backwards instead of forwards.
Kristin, thank you for that helpful insight. This just happened 2 days ago so we haven't started with anything except that we both agree there are thing we want changed. We have yet to write out all of what we want and expect but we do agree that is the 1st step. And yes, I do see now that there hasn't been mcuh time for us in our lives and it has been all about the kids and that we need to take care of us so that we can be better people for the kids.
My only frustration is my husband is having a hard time seeing the good in himself and think he will only disapoint me again. He says not that he secretly wants to he's just afraid of failing. I have tried to explain to him you have to keep positive and not only in marriage but in life you can't always set out waiting to fail.
(on a side note, we too live very close to Seattle)
He plays the victim and you are the rescuer. Sound familiar? He says he is concerned that he will "fail" and do what? Go back to sexting? Have an affair?
Listen, he is in control of his own actions. What he is doing is preparing you to accept his indiscretions! Tell him that he does anything like this again, you are done. No more second or third chances. This has to be a serious commitment for him, not some fling. Human beings do and don't do something because of consequences and he needs to know what the consequences of his sexting will be next time.
Get him help, counseling etc. but don't ever let him play the "Oh whoa is me" card on you because that is just rubbish. I sure hope you read this and take this to heart!
Tell him if he's serious, he can either get rid of his cell phone, or get one that only does phone calls. And you get control of the accounts, so you can tell who he's been texting and talking to. And yes, draw a line in the sand, and stick with it.
That's IF you want to work things out... It sounds like therapy/counseling would be a good thing too.
Hi...going through the EXACT same thing! Been through the promises, the won't happen agains, the you deserve betters, I want you onlys and the "temporary" changes and they never worked! That being said, this last time, last week, he knew this was it. I know his was never physical but the words hurt me just a bad as a touch would have. I am giving a last chance EVER right now. I always hear to expose the cheater to friends and family as a start to ending it. I never have before...this time, he did it on his own. He told our family and friends what he did, disclosed any information I wanted to know, emailed the girl to tell her he was an idiot, about to lose the best thing that ever happened to him and he was wrong to allow their conversations. We set out to list all that cause these things and I discovered a lot of ways I changed from what he married. While in my head it's all because of his emotional affairs, I realized that's not entirely true. There are ways I have neglected his needs, although obviously more so on his side, but still I played my part in this too. I never held up any of the conditions for re-gaining my trust, just threw it in his face any opportunity I had. The only hope we have is total transparency. He suggested I take total control of the phone bill so I can see the texts, numbers etc. Full disclosure, full transparency, full access to his phone at any time and some form of help. We are seeing our priest, while not a marriage expert, he is a recovering alcoholic, so he understands addiction. I also told him to talk to me, his wife, the way he did these people. You have to either decide to do this FULL FORCE or not. I can't imagine my life without him, although I know I'd be fine and move on, I just don't want to not be with him. While this is a HUGE fault, it really is the only major one he has. It's literally only been 2 days since the biggest blow-out of our relationship, but it's been a better two days than I can remember. Not mushy gushy better, just like we are really getting to know each other again. He's done the "whoa is me" before, but not this time. He started reading the book "Excuses Be Gone" by Dryer. Excellent book and may be helpful for your (I'm gonna fail anyway) husband. Sorry if this bounced around, but it's uncainy how similar our situations are.
He plays the victim and you are the rescuer. Sound familiar? ....
Listen, he is in control of his own actions. ....
Get him help, counseling etc. but don't ever let him play the "Oh whoa is me" card on you because that is just rubbish.
I didn't realize this awful "victim inversion" dynamic is so common.
The loyal spouse may not be perfect, but is committed to the marriage and trying to make it happy and fulfilling for both parties. The disloyal spouse isn't satisfied for some reason, and strays. The disloyal spouse then plays the victim and blames his/her faithless conduct on the loyal spouse. To say this adds insult to injury is an understatement.
As I have said in my own thread, I am mystified why so many disloyal spouses can't accept basic responsibility for their actions. Why can't they just say, "I had a good thing going with you, and because of my own foolishness, I strayed. This is my responsibility, and I regret doing it. What can I do to repair the damage I have caused?"
Or, alternatively, "I have discovered that I don't love you anymore and have strayed because of it. I think we should divorce. I am very sorry, and will try to ease the pain of divorce as much as possible."