10-05-2010, 01:09 AM
Join Date: Oct 2010
| | Still getting over it!!
DH and I have been married for 36 years, he had an affair when we were married for around 15 years - it ended quickly - it was only sex and no relationship as such - still hurt like hell.
I found out 2 years ago that this was again happening with an old teenage flame and they had been meeting for the best part of 10 years again just for sex - never went out or had any kind of relationship at all. No I am not dumb!! it took a long time for me to get my head around this.
When he confessed I made him ring her immediately to tell her it was over he had the phone on speaker and she said "oh well Darling we knew we would get caught sometime - and then proceeded to tell me that there was no relationship that he only loved me but just needed the exciting sex" This I was not expecting!!!
I confronted her the next morning with him in tow and yes she looked like an old hag and I told her so amongst other exploitives, but she still just sat there and said "Kerry he loves only you - you have to understand this has only ever been sex for both of us".
we went through an incredibly rocky time and I have never felt such rage or anger before and never want to again.
We had extensive counselling for 3 mths and we decided to keep what had happened reasonably quiet until I knew what I really wanted to do - so I decided that we would only tell a limited amount of friends and family.
To his credit he has exceeded everything that the counsellor advised him to do and has been a model husband.
Do I trust him, slowly it is improving but it will take a long time. do I love him yes.
We have lost some very dear friends along the way, some felt that our kids should know about the affair, but this was not their choice to make. Unfortunately the time they chose to tell was my eldest sons wedding in 2009. I spent the night making sure that the damage was limited. I cried and did not see much of the reception but family and friends did not know what was going on. My dear friend had told my second son about the affair whilst intoxicated. He confronted me and told me if I ever lied to him he would never speak to me again. to his credit he did not tell anyone else at the wedding however - I sold my soul the next morning by telling my DS 32 (single) that there were rumours that had caused enormous issues with our relationship etc etc. And that Aunty Cath was drunk and had not told the full story.
How do you tell your kids their father had a long term affair just for sex - no value in this at all unless I had to.
So all 3 kids know this limited story and if one day I need to tell them the full truth then I will. I do not see those friends anymore. so so sad.
Anyway - here I am 2.5 years later struggling to get a handle on my emotions. I now realise that I spent most of my time since finding out about the affair in damage control. It has worked we still have a strong family with grandkids on the way. I am not sorry I handled this the way I did, and yes we are building a stonger relationship, BUT I have not given myself time to work through my feelings.
Has anyone else had a similar situation with hubby having an affair that was JUST FOR SEX ugh!!!