Kidjakaj55

DH and I have been married for 36 years, he had an affair when we were married for around 15 years - it ended quickly - it was only sex and no relationship as such - still hurt like hell.

I found out 2 years ago that this was again happening with an old teenage flame and they had been meeting for the best part of 10 years again just for sex - never went out or had any kind of relationship at all. No I am not dumb!! it took a long time for me to get my head around this.

When he confessed I made him ring her immediately to tell her it was over he had the phone on speaker and she said "oh well Darling we knew we would get caught sometime - and then proceeded to tell me that there was no relationship that he only loved me but just needed the exciting sex" This I was not expecting!!!

I confronted her the next morning with him in tow and yes she looked like an old hag and I told her so amongst other exploitives, but she still just sat there and said "Kerry he loves only you - you have to understand this has only ever been sex for both of us".

we went through an incredibly rocky time and I have never felt such rage or anger before and never want to again.

We had extensive counselling for 3 mths and we decided to keep what had happened reasonably quiet until I knew what I really wanted to do - so I decided that we would only tell a limited amount of friends and family.

To his credit he has exceeded everything that the counsellor advised him to do and has been a model husband.

Do I trust him, slowly it is improving but it will take a long time. do I love him yes.

We have lost some very dear friends along the way, some felt that our kids should know about the affair, but this was not their choice to make. Unfortunately the time they chose to tell was my eldest sons wedding in 2009. I spent the night making sure that the damage was limited. I cried and did not see much of the reception but family and friends did not know what was going on. My dear friend had told my second son about the affair whilst intoxicated. He confronted me and told me if I ever lied to him he would never speak to me again. to his credit he did not tell anyone else at the wedding however - I sold my soul the next morning by telling my DS 32 (single) that there were rumours that had caused enormous issues with our relationship etc etc. And that Aunty Cath was drunk and had not told the full story.

How do you tell your kids their father had a long term affair just for sex - no value in this at all unless I had to.

So all 3 kids know this limited story and if one day I need to tell them the full truth then I will. I do not see those friends anymore. so so sad.

Anyway - here I am 2.5 years later struggling to get a handle on my emotions. I now realise that I spent most of my time since finding out about the affair in damage control. It has worked we still have a strong family with grandkids on the way. I am not sorry I handled this the way I did, and yes we are building a stonger relationship, BUT I have not given myself time to work through my feelings.

Has anyone else had a similar situation with hubby having an affair that was JUST FOR SEX ugh!!!

Kezza

jessi

Hi there,
I think this is one of those situations that because you are still hiding the truth that it wears on you.
Honesty is the key to freeing the mind and moving past a situation that is hurtful.
I think it's okay to go to your kids and tell them that your marriage did have a bump in the road caused by an infidelity on your husband's part and that you two have chosen to accept and re-build the marriage and that you hoped everyone would understand and support your decisions.......no details are needed......
Affairs hurt no matter what it is, sex, relationship, it all takes a lot of time to try to make things right in your head......
You have to decide that you aren't going to dwell on the past anymore and more forward and enjoy the future.......
32 years is a long time, it deserves a chance and you deserve to be happy in it.........It's all a choice now........blind faith...........I always say Trust Until.................

Kidjakaj55

Thanks so so much for giving me some sanity. The kids do now know there was an issue just not the depth. they were wonderful - DD30 said "Mum all marriages have issues and you did not have to tell us but we are here for you" She is a wonderful daughter.

For me though I guess my self worth has been badly battered and I am still struggling to put that zing back into my own life.

I just want to wake up in the morning and have that spring back in my step. Loosing 2 close girlfriends I think hurt more then anything.

When they found out what had happened I explained to them that the reason I hadn't confided in them was that they were too close to the kids and that this wasn't about our friendships but about my children and their well being. I told them that it broke my heart not to be able to pour my heart out to them BUT I needed to have time to decide if DH and I could find a way forward without telling the kids.

Family to me is everything and if we could weather the storm and keep the family together without comprimising ourselves then we would try our damdest.

This I do not regret, however the end result is that I am now struggling to find out who I am now.

Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do to find yourself again.

kezza