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hard time dealing with limbo

83K views 247 replies 53 participants last post by  Just Joe 
#1 ·
10 months into Dday, R is going ok she is doing the right things but I am so stuck on limbo...sometimes want to stay other times want to file for D, varies thru the day.....
this just sucks, how do others deal with this? anything helps.....
 
#70 ·
Read the rest of the thread. OP is totally guilt-tripped terrible. Her excuses are just that - excuses.

His wife cheated because she knew at some level she could manipulate him back if things don't work out with her lover. No wonder his gut won't allow him to trust her.
:iagree:

This stuff sucks. The quote above summarizes my thoughts very well.

OP,

It is time to stand in front of your mirror. Why are you seeking an answer to your question? I think we both know you are ready to pick a new path. Your guilt will go away as you begin to look ahead. The hard part is making sure your kids are secure.

I did a little each day. It started with saving some money in a new account. Get some legal advice or knowledge. Find some trusted family or friends to help you adjust. It is scary, but people survive it everyday. Talk to people in your circle that have gone through it, so you understand what it will be like.

In the end you will survive. It is not easy, but after the trauma you have endured, it won't feel all that bad. Be good to yourself if you backslide or make mistakes.

After the dust settles, go have some fun!!! Get your head together and learn to enjoy new people, places, and things. You might end up much better in the long run. I did.
 
#67 ·
I think there are several things that make be believe you probably should leave. She cheated and never told you about it. You had to discover it yourself. The way she reacted to the news of him going to jail should be your wake up call. If he was still around you would not be in the picture. She is trying to make you take the blame for breaking up the family if you leave.

She is not showing you genuine remorse. Some one that was genuine would have told you and ended it themselves. (Read Tears Thread)

Her reaction to the news of the OM going to jail shows she had deep feelings for him.

Making you feel guilty for the damage she has caused. This is just exactly what mine did all the years I was together with her.
If she really loved you she would honor what ever decision you made and she would OWN her mistake to its entirety.

The truth is she is not in love with you she just is feeling bad she almost lost her life. She does not want to be alone.

You might actually feel the same way but I can tell you I did divorce mine sure it was under duress but I made it through it. I did get custody of my kids. I am grateful I found this site now but I did this with no support from family or friends. My life is so much better and I have learned to trust and love someone again just as you will.

I am really sorry you are going through this and I wished it really would not happen to anyone but sadly it does. Now its up to you to live your life and be the best dad you can be for your kids.

Clay
 
#72 ·
In retrospect it bothers you that she still had to think about things after Dday. You were still on trial. She wasn't certain she was going to keep you. This is understandable. She was in love with the OM and the end of the affair was a pivotal moment. She did not stay undecided for very long by TAM standards.

Part of the problem is that you wonder if she is doing it for love or you or fear of being a loser dumped cheater with too many kids to attract a good alpha dude. She is right. If she starts dating she would have to screen all the divorced men chasing tail. Someone who just divorced may not want to be step dad to teens. Lot of work. So your wife is realistic. That is not a bad character trait, provided she is not cynical.

Listen to Happyman. He is a top advisor in my book. He give dispassionate, considerate advice.

I have some good news for you: you will make it whatever your decision. The key is to make the decision for yourself. You put the oxygen mask on. Then on your kids. Then on your wife.

Are you in shape? If not, hit the gym. Getting hard physical exercise will improve your brain chemistry. You need that endorphine buzz. Get involved in your kids sports. What do they play? Be happy and confident as if you are going to make it. Don't talk to your wife about the affair as often. Save your pain for MC.

If your wife is giving you good sex, don't refuse. There are many men on TAM who are in sexless marriage for years. You can ask your wife to be more adventurous in bed now. You should of course not abuse her, but can be alpha in bed.

If in a year's time you have fallen out of love with your wife, you can still divorce her.

Put the OM up on Cheaterville (without reference to your wife) if you want to give him a kick.

From the way you describe your wife being remorseful you sound confident that you can read her. She is not concealing a great deal, do you agree?

Is she working on improving herself in IC? How?
 
#73 ·
so much good feedback, i feel bad not specifically answering it all, i love TAM for this...i should have joined so much sooner

the thing of it is, I find it hard to just ignore all the effort she has put on for the past 9 months or so....I mean she has been loving all over me, apologizing, crying, begging, we have sex at least once a day, many times twice a day....I find it hard to believe she is faking all that just to save her own @ss....i seriously doubt she is faking it.

she has lived very comfortably with me, never had to work, went to school for nursing on her own desire to go back to work and I paid for it all, she has always driven a luxury car never older than a couple years and 3 years ago i spent 40k on a mommy makeover for her (boob job, tummy tuck, arm lipo and some facial stuff). She is incredibly good looking and has an amazing body, guys have always hit on her and always ask her if she is a model and what not....so i feel like i have invested a lot in her in many different ways and i would be giving that away to another man....just hard to come to grip with that part also, but this is also the same reason why the betrayal hurts so damn much....she had it all and look what she did and what a loser she picked....unbelievable

I do believe this was a one time thing for her, she has never been like this ever so part of me wants to forgive her but the anger and disappointment hasnt gone down a whole lot over the past few months....

bah, i feel like am rambling nonsense to you guys now....fvck me....this sucks
 
#81 ·
i spent 40k on a mommy makeover for her (boob job, tummy tuck, arm lipo and some facial stuff). She is incredibly good looking and has an amazing body, guys have always hit on her and always ask her if she is a model and what not....so i feel like i have invested a lot in her in many different ways and i would be giving that away to another.
So you spend 40k on her plastic surgey and a few years later she starts cheating on you(on a regular basis) with a "bad boy'.

You can stay if you want, but how long before you think it happens again. Five, ten years...

The next time it happens it probably won't because she's getiing hit on all the time. It'll because she's getting older and doesn't get hit on.


It's been 10 months and you're still torn between D and R. You won't be able to go on like this for much longer. I normally do not agree with seporating while trying to R, but in your case I have to wonder if a month away could help you clear you head a little and decide what YOU really want.

Not your kids, bot your WS, what YOU want.
 
#76 ·
Every time a BS is having a hard time getting past (through) infidelity almost always people imagine the wayward is failing short and asks the BS to enforce the boundaires... and what not.
Sometimes happens the wayward is doing everything you could ask and more, sometimes they are genuinely remorseful.

It happens this sh1t is not easy. That's all.

Hang in there man. I get you.
 
#77 ·
Sounds like your the one doing all the investing? How is she investing in you aside of sex and being with you? What does she have to loose is you walked out and cheated on her?

If you stay with her I would make her sign a post-nup. I would write in there if the divorce is triggered over her cheating again she gets nothing. If she says ok then you might be right and she really loves you. If she wont do it you have your answer.


Clay
 
#79 ·
Sounds like your the one doing all the investing? How is she investing in you aside of sex and being with you? What does she have to loose is you walked out and cheated on her?

If you stay with her I would make her sign a post-nup. I would write in there if the divorce is triggered over her cheating again she gets nothing. If she says ok then you might be right and she really loves you. If she wont do it you have your answer.


Clay
^This! :iagree:
 
#78 ·
Warlock made a good point. You do realize that her sense of fairness is heavily skewed in her favor?

She has counted on two things;

1. you would not find out
2. you would not D her if you did find out.

Now she is using your guilt against you. It is a shame to see a bad woman manipulate a very decent man. Your fear and guilt are holding you hostage.

Have you read some of the LONG threads of BHs suffering through endless limbo? Don't let yourself become one of those that suffer tirelessly. Life is too short.

Wow! I am finding my advice to be very pro-D lately. Good luck!
 
#80 · (Edited)
Im also logistics guy. Could I ask the following. Its just data points. Nothing too sex specific.
approximately:
Approx ages / length marriage/ # of kids
First innocent meet date
First innappropriate texting/ email date
First outright sexual texting/ email date
First kissing/fondling date
First non vaginal sex date (oral/ manual)
First vaginal sex date
Last sex date
Sex times (after school, on supposed GNOs, lunch breaks.)
Approx number of hookups
Hookup locations
Communications method
Red flags you ignored thinking she would never...
First red flag that told you something is very very wrong.
Did you have a weak failed early confront? If yes how bad did she shut you down?
How did you find out for sure there was an affair?
Were toxic friends cooperating/ helping affair?
OM is a (i know he is a POS. I mean something like "fellow student former truck driver attending same class)
Did OM use known player methodologies? Was he the pursuer or pursued?
Did she give sex acts she denied you? (Just y/n is fine)
 
#85 ·
if I leave she would have to quit her job....i work from home so when she has her 12-hr shifts I look after the kids at home after school, run them to sports, etc.....there is no one to do that if am not around and her parents and rest of family lives 60 miles away. believe me I have thought long and hard over leaving for some time....it will affect the kids one way or another....just sucks

and yes, she was cheating on me while i was sitting home working & takin care of the kiddos and running them around....
 
#88 ·
Sounds like a echo of my former life. I was the responsible one that did all of the housework while my exWW (nurse) had her romps.

You helped us understand it better with this post. Your game cost you. You became undervalued sexually because she perceived herself as "superior" in her sexual value.

It will continue to eat your soul if you attempt to stay in your hole with her. Your shattered ego needs to be refueled by someone else.

Don't have a revenge affair, but I would say get your game back. Up your value. Chaparral said it.

I honestly don't know that you can swallow this one. You have had several (10?) months to ponder, and you are now realizing it is over. IMO.

Whew! I feel brutal by telling you this, but I feel like I walked in your shoes. Consider it. Where has your patience and being good got you? I feel like I am really pushing you for a D. I have not felt like you have given us any valid reasons to stay in this one.

I respect you decision, and will try to bow out now. Best wishes.
 
#86 ·
Boob jobs, tummy tucks/operations affect the sex rank of women. The number that have affairs and/or get divorces after it is shocking.

Google sex rank and see how you measure up. What kind of shape are you in. The work she had done will make men more aggresive in flirting/persuing her. Its hard for women not to have their head turned by all this.

Did she have all those complaints about you before she had the work done?

Btw, nurses are in the very top professions to cheat.
 
#99 ·
I don't find her arguing to save the marriage to be a bad thing. She is trying to save her family any way she can. Stay calm and cool and quit arguing with her. That's the manly thing that shows her you are in control.
,

When she says something you disagree with point it out.

When she doing the right things, point that out too. Be very patient. Constantly threatening divorce is just self defeating.

Tell her once divorce isn't on the table if things do not get better. If she brings it up, simply say you have already told her how it is.

Not speaking to her on your trip is childish. Youare the rock, the strengh of your family. Show leadership.

Start by reading mmslp before you both screw this up.
 
#100 ·
I would plant VARS, then while on your trip, when you talk to her on the phone, tell her at some point when the subect comes up(and it will) that you have the feeling that she hasn't told you everything. Say that you're thinking about scheduling a polygraph after you are back.

I'd be very surprised if she doesn't call someone to talk about it. I say talk, because she must realize that you can probably get any text transcripts. Plus she is more likely to talk than type due to the nature of the topic.

If so, she'll be in damage control mode, again, and you'll have a clearer picture of what really happened and where she actually stands on you and your marriage.
 
#101 ·
Lots of sex doesn't equate to lots of love. You can get sex anywhere- FWB, club pickups, he!! you can even pay for it. Is that love? There is no remorse here CBT, only manipulation. If she really loves you, ask for a peaceful mutual D in your favor. D is like an apocalypse, you only think about yourself and nothing else. If she thinks about your benefit during D, that alone proves she loves you. And yes, Remarriage is always an option.
 
#104 ·
:iagree:

This brings us back to the early posts. File and give her a chance to work peacefully (;)) through it. Then if she is a good girl for a long time, you might re-marry her.

You both know that she probably will not be worth it once you are on the free market again.

The issue was framed as "hard time dealing with limbo". Does more evidence or her compliance still factor into your decision? It sounded more like you were concerned with how you are dealing the decision internally. The reason I ask is that it ultimately is your decision. Her past can not be changed. It is you who picks the path.

A wise older MC told me that the best way to minimize her pain is to not give her false hopes. I agree.

It has been 10 months. No new evidence? You are still struggling? It is okay to admit to yourself and others that it was simply too much to deal with. I did that at 8 months. I am fine, and so were all of those involved. Change is required when our environment is altered. Adapt, migrate, or perish. Your "adapting" to the new reality is breaking down, that is why you finally posted on TAM. You don't need our permission to D. Do it because it is what YOU need to emotionally survive. Choose to migrate.

Please do us and all of the readers a favor. Keep us posted on your outcome. It is our duty to help others in a similar plight.
 
#105 ·
this morning she is a wreck, crying again, telling me how she is going to hell for all shes done, would kill herself if it werent for the kids, blah, blah....

I don't think true reconciliation starts until it stops being about her needs, her feelings, and what is going to happen to her. She needs to focus on you and repairing the damage she has inflicted on you.
 
#107 ·
Nicely vented!

That is what hysterical bonding evolves into after some time. I also think it is a tool used by those pushing for marriage/commitment in the beginning.

When we take sex out of the equation, is the relationship still worth it? If the answer is no, why bother? Sex becomes distasteful and repulsive when it represents manipulation.

I prefer to have sex symbolize love. How hard is it to find a decent woman who will give you both? No all that difficult IMO.
 
#113 ·
Here is a link to a book that many find very helpful. The link is to the online version or it can be bought online for around eight dollars.

I think most wayward spouse that truly want to reconcile need a guide, hopefully this will help.

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

Do not discount ptsd counseling for yourself. And definitely read MMSLP linked to in my signature. The reason for MMSLP is to learn where relationships have gone off the tracks in recent decades.
 
#116 ·
VAR often reveals everything quickly.

There was a BH a while ago whose wife was a nurse. She was having an affair with some male nurse whose hobby was photography, if I recall correctly. His gut feeling that she was cheating was set off when he dropped by the hospital unannounced one evening to give dinner. She was very surprized and came out to the lobby and was wearing that flushed just been fvcking look.

He had trouble finding hard evidence of the affair but after they separated he tracked her car with GPS or her iPhone and she went to the POSOM's apartment.

Sorry I can't remember the posters name.

Another guy married to a cheating nurse is BrokenShadow, but her infidelity is connected with opiate addiction. She hooked up with a fellow addict in court mandated therapy.

There are probably many stories involving nurses on TAM.
 
#121 ·
ok guys but I dont get it....i am 10 months out from dday...at this point what am I using a VAR for? I monitor all her calls, texts, emails, etc...she hardly talks to anyone except her parents and her sister....she has confessed everything about the A, and she confessed even more back then when i threatened with poly, so i have already used that card....

thou i get the part about the setup from groundpounder, think am going to do that just to see if anything pops up, but am doubtful....
 
#122 ·
also last night was bad, i told her no matter what she said divorce was still on the table....she broke down badly again hanging onto me telling me "I cant lose you, I love you too much, i so regret everything i have done, I will never be able to repay to you what I did, please i beg you to forgive me at one point, please dont leave me, cant live without you, etc, etc"

so our 14 year old overheard her crying and she comes running into our room crying too....."mom dad please dont divorce, please dont separate from each other, we want you guys together" and she just kept crying with my wife.....i just stood there pale and couldnt say a word....eventually we both told her it was going to be ok and kissed her and hugged her back into her bed....

she is our oldest daughter and she has known all along my wife had an affair, she has written us letters asking us to forgive each other and not to split up....just was really painful to see her crying like that last night along her mom, made me feel bad....really makes it so hard to make a decision to leave or do anything.....ah damn infidelity, and god help us all affected by it, this stuff is horrible

thank goodness for a supportive crowd like TAM, it really does make a difference guys
 
#126 ·
she is our oldest daughter and she has known all along my wife had an affair, she has written us letters asking us to forgive each other
I know your oldest child is only 14, so I’m not sure the following is appropriate now, but it will be someday.

There is a difference between being an inattentive spouse working their a** off and a spouse that had a PA. Someday I would say it’s more difficult for me to forgive mom because she had a boyfriend. That broke my heart.

I think the path of least resistance is best especially since your wife is so remorseful. I would stay but keep divorce on the table. I would express it this way: “I have to consider divorce until my heart is healed.” That makes you the victim and focuses attention on her affair.

Reassure your kids over and over how much you and your wife love them. The number one job of both you and your wife is to take care of them.

Depending on how things go you might add that you have no intention of getting a girlfriend anytime soon because you know how much that would hurt their mom. You don’t want to break her heart.

If everything is great you might as well stay until all the kids are 18. You don’t want to cut off your nose to spite your face.
 
#123 ·
Hang in there, CBT. Keep doing what you need to do for your own healing and for the health of your family. Don't back down in the face of tears and drama.

I get the sense that you feel something is missing - that there is still something you need from your WS: maybe it's capitulation that she f'd up and wronged you; that you were not to be blamed for this violation; that your willingness to try R at all is a major act of generosity and good will that she needs to have the humility to recognize.

Others have mentioned that she seems to make it all about her. She needs to have an attitude adjustment. It is now about you - and what she needs to do or understand to be the life partner you deserve. Not some cut rate version. Physical beauty is no longer enough to please you. She needs to develop strength of character.

All this requires the test of time. Hope your family heals from all this.
 
#128 ·
I get the sense that you feel something is missing - that there is still something you need from your WS
yes csquare, but i dont know what that is...i just feel betrayed and lot of bitterness/anger. for all I know she is doing the right things and saying the right things but she still thinking too much of herself and that is whats getting on the way perhaps?

can you both live with the consequences of her affair, without living a lie to each other
^^^ This for me still an unknown....how do i find out? time? is it just too soon only 10 months out?


I would stay but keep divorce on the table. I would express it this way: “I have to consider divorce until my heart is healed.” That makes you the victim and focuses attention on her affair.
this is what am trying to do, but it causes the sticking point with her not wanting to hear this....am to the point I dont care what she says about it, if I say is on the table, then it is , too bad what she thinks....
 
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