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hard time dealing with limbo

83K views 247 replies 53 participants last post by  Just Joe 
#1 ·
10 months into Dday, R is going ok she is doing the right things but I am so stuck on limbo...sometimes want to stay other times want to file for D, varies thru the day.....
this just sucks, how do others deal with this? anything helps.....
 
#124 ·
CBT.

I'm almost 3 years out. Been through a lot w a h that has begged and cried all the way through for me to take him back, believes he has been remorseful, has laid the guilt trip on me so heavy that it almost cost me my life, all in the name of love.

I love my h, he loves me, but I understand exactly what it is you feel. I finally realized that the affair has changed us so much as individuals, that it affects how we relate now to each other, that now affects the relationship. It's like we are married to someone else.

The reality is, the bottom line , can you both live with the consequences of her affair, without living a lie to each other.

-sammy
 
#127 ·
Your wife may be remorseful, but that doesn't change the fact that she's obviously trying to play you like you're a ****ing fiddle. At least as far as emotional manipulation goes anyway.
 
#129 ·
I'd like to relate the story of my uncle, dad's elder brother. We are a family of alpha males. He and I have the only marriages among relatives where there was an A. My aunt had an affair but uncle couldn't D immediately because of the children. The pastor helped improved their marriage. They become the lovey-dovey couple again. His youngest daughter went to college and BAM!. He filed for D a month later. He waited 11 years for all his children to move out. When the D was finalized, he was 62 and aunt was 60. A year later, he married a 50 yr old widow. He is 71 now and still married without any issues. Aunt is in an old-age home for the last 6 years.
His children have finally understand why D is essential in some cases.

Being around him for so long, I know how his mind works. He sacrificed 11 years of his life for the happiness of his children. 11 years of acting happy and content- a superhuman feat. He is the toughest man is our family.
 
#131 ·
I'm just curious but do you think there's a chance she's done this before??? Especially since it doesn't sound like you suspected an affair to begin with, you just happened to catch her.

And as someone else suggested I think you should tell her you want to DNA test the kids.
 
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#132 ·
Graywolf said it well.

For some reason WSs don't realize that divorce is ALWAYS on the table for ANY betrayals/cheating/affairs.

Didn't they vow this very thing on their wedding day?

I'll bet you a dollar to a doughnut that if you were caught with another woman you would receive D papers shortly afterwards.

I am not advocating a RA, but the double standards most WSs have is astounding. If you did file, I am sure she would change tactics from hanging on you to becoming vile and selfish.

Just venting. I feel for you and your children. Your daughter may be as much a victim in this as anyone. My sons were a little older, so it was less of a torment.

Keep us updated.
 
#133 · (Edited)
Our lives change forever when our spouse cheats. It's something they don't care about during their affair. They do care when, for whatever reason, they don't want their marriage breaking up. Then they can really start applying the guilt. Begging. Pleading. Whatever they think will work.

ETA: 10 months is not enough time for you. Some people make snap decisions about R and some need lots of time to decide. Don't let her pressure you. She created the problem. It takes you however long it takes you. She will need to live with that. Quietly.
 
#134 ·
I was your daughter's age when my father had an affair. I was an only child and my mother chose to stay for me. The problem was I never forgave my father. So staying in the marriage is not always best for the children.

I think your wife by her histrionics is dragging your daughter into this and using her to keep you from leaving.
 
#135 ·
Just because of the way your wife is acting is no way to assume she isn't doing the right things. Posters here used to say don't consider R until they act just like your wife. Begging, pleading, cryingand snot flying.

Did you download the book I recommended?

You really need to find a individual counselor with infidelity and ptsd training.

No, ten months is not long enough to get over it.

What are you doing to help yourself?
 
#137 ·
Did you download the book I recommended?

You really need to find a individual counselor with infidelity and ptsd training.

No, ten months is not long enough to get over it.

What are you doing to help yourself?
yes I got your ebook and going to give it to her today to read, looks like its perfect for a WS....

I work a lot, I enjoy my job so that keeps me going...I exercise 4-5 times a week religiously and in good shape, but I dont feel I go out enough with my buddies and stuff, I used to a lot more, need to start that again.....

Not speaking to her on your trip is childish. Youare the rock, the strengh of your family. Show leadership.
I think you are right about this, it is childish now that I look at it, and I wont do it.
 
#139 ·
Originally Posted by Chaparral
Not speaking to her on your trip is childish. Youare the rock, the strengh of your family. Show leadership.



I think you are right about this, it is childish now that I look at it, and I wont do it.[/QUOTE]

disagree. I think your original idea on this was correct. just tell her you need some time alone to think (because you do). as I said, it hard for me to understand how you can usefully reflect on your situation if you are constantly bombarded with her arguing, weeping and other histrionics. Staying quiet for a couple weeks, given that you have to be out of town anyway, seems completely reasionable to me.
 
#140 ·
I'm going to be really blunt. The marriage is in bad shape now. How much kicking the crap out of your wife will it take to make it the sort of marriage you want to be in?

She did the wrong thing. But it is done. She can't undo it. You have every right to leave her over it. So if that is what you want to do, do it.

Otherwise, man up and bring some positives into the situation. Deal with issues, don't rug sweep, for example, you really think she doesn't know divorce is an option? Why do you think she is pleading with you? Make up your mind. If she is manipulating, leave her. But if not, it helps nothing to keep attacking.

If she is truly remorseful, her own guilt is beating her up worse than you ever could. And if not, then she is not reconcile material.

I hope this makes sense. I wasted too long in limbo before reconciling properly and it would be nice if you could avoid that.
 
#142 ·
She did the wrong thing. But it is done. She can't undo it. You have every right to leave her over it. So if that is what you want to do, do it.

Otherwise, man up and bring some positives into the situation.
i hear you Wazza...you are right, i feel like a whining punk a lot and i hate it, is all the toxic anger and resentment that do this and is eating my up lately....
i think i put this away too soon and focused on my work because I got really busy, but now that things have slowed a bit my head got my feelings into high gear again about her cheating.... :mad:
 
#146 ·
am not really bringing it up all the time, am just trying to get her to admit that it is an option on the table
For what? You'll either file or you wont. Whether she can wrap her head around it or not, or even wants to, has nothing to do with it.

but she doesnt want to hear it...if she would admit it I wouldnt bring it up unless I actually did it.
Then how about not bringing it up period unless you actually plan on doing it?? I don't see how her verbally acknowledging that it might happen or you trying to force her to accept a possibility that is beyond her control anyway, makes any difference.
 
#153 ·
It is remorseful but why? She had an A and it did not work out. She put you on notice and you and the one who had to change. She does not have any other alternatives.

She put you on 90 probation to prove yourself worthy of her.

She would have left you 10 months ago if OM wanted her. This was not mutual, he would not commit hence your probation. OM did not pursue her so she took you off of probation early.

Now OM is in jail and you are the only option at the moment.

You need to resolve the truth of things. In the end, this is your decision and you should so what is best for you.
.
 
#149 ·
I think it sounds remorseful. She did not lay any blame on you. Character flaw? That just a matter of semantics. She doesn't want it to be a character flaw as that would indicate it was a permanent flaw.

This sounds as good as anything I have seen here so far. You have to decide if you can work on it with out defeating yourself and see if, in time you can be successful.

Have you read MMSLP yet? Much of the stuff you have posted would make any person second guess their commitment to you. You still need to read the book in order to have a real male female relationship with any woman. You don't want your own behavior to be at cross purposes with what you are trying to achieve.

At least go read the reviews f the book at The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books
 
#154 ·
Have you read MMSLP yet? Much of the stuff you have posted would make any person second guess their commitment to you.
i got it couple days ago and will begin reading it today


But you sound like the spouse that is stuck.

IMHO I think you still love your wife and would indeed miss her if you separated or divorced.
yes indeed, thats my main problem HM...am stuck in between staying or going very badly....and I dont know how to sway one way or another. Sometimes I find that I can stay and work it thru, because we still love each other, she is remorseful and because it will keep the family intact since we both depend so much on each other to parent the kids. BUT sometimes I feel so betrayed by both the emotional and sexual aspects of her affair that is not something I would ever thought I would tolerate and it would be a deal breaker....thats my main problem and I have found very little that helps in finding the determining factor into that big decision....is this normal, is this just part of this effing ugly process?
why is it worse now 10 months later than it seemed to be the first few months? will it get worse before it gets better or is a decision required before anything gets any better?
 
#151 ·
CBT

Your wife sounds remorseful.

But you sound like the spouse that is stuck.

I have a suggestion for you....

Since you are still married, still living at home why not act like you are married.

Chap is right. Be the leader.

Not talking to her or the kids while you are away does not serve any purpose.

You can still be married, bang your wife every night, still be a family while you decide if you can forgive your wife and reconcile the marriage.

And if you choose divorce well guess what? It does not matter what your wife wants or not. It is your choice.

It is a consequence she will have to face.

So throwing divorce in her face on a daily or weekly basis until she admits it is indeed a choice gets neither of you further along in your post affair decision making process.

Drop it.

Focus on you. Get some me time in with your friends or family.

IMHO I think you still love your wife and would indeed miss her if you separated or divorced.

Now give her the darn book and make her start working on the "why" of her affair.

And no matter if you do R or D you need to encourage her to do the right thing everyday in life.

Because you will be a coparent with her for a very long time.

HM
 
#152 ·
If you decide to R, I would still hang on to any evidence of her affair for a while. A few years anyway.

She sounds remorseful in that text, but that's Today. Once someone cheats they're more likely to cheat again.

If things ever go back to "normal" in the marriage again, just remember, they were "normal" the first that she cheated also...
 
#155 ·
This process is normal.

And 10 months out is nothing.

You need to reach a place in your mind if you can forgive infidelity.

To some it is a deal breaker. To others it is not. That is your first decision.

You need to chew on that fact as long as it takes. Can you forgive your wife's infidelity and be able to reconcile the marriage. That is true reconciliation. It takes years my friend.

Or is your wife's infidelity a deal breaker. You can forgive her but decide you can no longer be married to her. Divorce.

Or you cannot forgive her and you need to divorce her. Coparent relationship only.

It is good if your wife is remorseful. Have you ever told her you forgive her?

HM
 
#157 ·
To some it is a deal breaker. To others it is not. That is your first decision.
thats the thing, one moment it is a deal breaker, others is not....how does one find out for certain? I dont want to make a decision based on transient irrational thoughts... for example, its when am angry that I tend to feel strongly about it being a deal breaker...so is it the anger causing me to think is a deal breaker or the other way around??
have you just got to chew on your thoughts for a lot longer to know for sure?

You also are having a very typical reaction because of how you handled the A at first.
i know it....i should have put my needs forth also, but honestly I didnt because I did not feel like this back then....i guess being paralyzed from the shocking discovery does some things to you. I was always clear with her that she should go if she wanted to be with him and I would handle it (before she knew he was going to prison)....but I also told her I would go for R if she wanted to give it a try....maybe that was a mistake. I regret not telling her that it was SHE who was on probation.....

I feel like perhaps I should have D papers drawn up ready to go and put her on her on probation?
 
#162 ·
I agree that too much is on her terms.

But I do not agree with drawing up divorce papers.

Because his wife will feel more desperate to save the marriage.

And that can make her go crazy.

I suggest while CBT works on himself he encourages his wife to do the same and for her to work on the "why".

I do not think "threatening" her with divorce will have any positive outcome at this time.

I do agree that his WW should disclose to family what has transpired.

Their familys support can help as long as it is positive.

HM
 
#167 ·
yes i given up on having her admit that D is on the table....am not going there again with all her crying and what not....it wasnt about her admitting to divorce really...what was pissing me off was the fact she would not agree to something with me....but as many have said, is my choice and thats all that matters....

as far as her family, well her parents dont give crap anymore...she got into a big fight with her mom cause her mom called her a **** or something so since then they dont talk about the affair anymore and her parents just said is between us and not their business...so am not going there again if they dont care
however she never admitted to them that the POSOM was a felon...which kinda bothers me of course.

i guess for now she will have to live with the fact that D still a possibility whether she likes it or not, and that I will take as much time as needed before I decide when D is off the table and am fully healed
 
#170 ·
In her mind she knows divorce is on the table. Uttering it however makes it too real. Its like she is in denial of being in denial. She knows what she has done. She knows how she has hurt you. She just isn't giving up. An admirable quality I think. Thus the passion she is putting in the crying and begging. She is like an athlete that is behind in the score but fights hard refusing to give up.
 
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