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hard time dealing with limbo

83K views 247 replies 53 participants last post by  Just Joe 
#1 ·
10 months into Dday, R is going ok she is doing the right things but I am so stuck on limbo...sometimes want to stay other times want to file for D, varies thru the day.....
this just sucks, how do others deal with this? anything helps.....
 
#172 ·
CantBelieveThis: I suspect that one outstanding problem is that your wife may know what the affair did to you, but she doesn't really know. You have got to lay it out for her in a non-accusatory non-confrontational manner.

She knew what she was doing. For you it was a bombshell. She had plenty of opportunity to stop or change direction. You never had any such chance. The result was presented to you on a stinking platter.

Tell her how you were hurt. Don't be afraid to tell her that she got you right in the balls. It not only takes time for something like that to heal, one never feels quite comfortable ever again.

She not only has to take responsibility for what SHE did, she has to understand how what SHE did affected YOU. I don't think she quite gets it yet.

Tell her that if you'd been one of those strong neanderthal males, her butt would have been flying out the door so fast she'd get airsick. Remind her that she chose the felon. Remind her that she came crawling back to you, not as a winner, but as a total loser.

And now the important part. Her job is not just to own what she did, her job is to make you feel that she was worth the pain it still causes you. You don't ever want to even suspect anything about her again. And no, promises don't count. Actions do.

Until she takes part of your pain on herself, divorce will always be on the table.

For your part, talk to her, but don't verbally beat up on her. She's a person too and needs to feel that she can once again be your partner and not your slave.

Good luck! I think that in time you will understand that she made a mistake that many others have made. A reconciliation can happen and it can succeed. But both of you have to work at it.
 
#175 ·
Not even close. cantthinkstraight's wife never got it, never, she didn't own her choices, apologized beyond a few fake tears very early on, didn't work on rebuilding the marriage as OP's wife did/does (acording his own words), wasn't empathetic nor patient at all, couldn't cope with cantthink's rollercoaster and was defiant, angry instead becasue he didn't just shut up and got over it already. Nothing of what OP wrote here resembles cantthinkstraight's wife's behavior and mindset.
The only thing remotely similar is her "aparent" desperation when OP treatens divorce and in cantthinkit's case it was proven her desperation was indeed aparent (=fake), not surprising given the way she dealt with the aftermath, wich culminated with her getting a new phone, refusing transparence and restarting contact with her POSOM.
OP states his wife has been, still is 10 months after DDay, doing all the right things, trying to help him heal and somehow trying to compensate him for her wrongdoings by being a mix of stepford wife and porn star... yet she cries in desperation when OP tells her he's weighting the divorce anyway. Does she drop her hands becasue "it's not working"? Nope. For what I've read she doesn't behave as a game player, treatens to stop trying, to take him to the cleaners nor any other manipulative tactic... she just refuses to accept the divorce as a possibility and ask for more time to keep trying to make up for her wrongdoings.
OP'S wife is, unless OP tells us otherwise totaly remorseful IMHO. It happens that remorse doesn't grant forgiveness, even less reconciliation. OP is not in limbo becasue of his wife post DDay actions or inactions but becasue ten months after DDay he still can't cope. He doesn't have to thou.
 
#180 ·
just caught her in a stupid white lie of omission, geez....something she had no reason to keep from me at all, yet she decided to and even hide it....what is it with some people they dont ***1n listen or dont learn??? or are they just plain stupid in some ways??? I mean is not like she doesnt know that I can catch up with her stuff and that I have access to everything and then some....

whatever, sorry just venting....dont even feel like confronting her with it...so frustrating, maybe I can handle a cheater once....maybe, but sure as hell I cant tolerate an idiot....
 
#181 ·
The tone of your posts indicate that you are moving toward a D. Why are you waiting? Guilt? Fear? I have seen most of the "likes" on your thread, and you tend to like the posts that advise you to move on. Well?

It will be okay if you do. You seem to need a push. Accept the fact that your marriage fell apart, and you need to move on. It is fine. Most of us get to that point after cheating. Embrace your decision, and move forward.
 
#190 ·
Don't say anything until she brings something regarding your relationship. The simply say you know she has not been honest about somethings lately and she is losing ground. Don't make a bidvdeal out of it. Just let her know you have no reason to trust her.

No anger, no arguing just tell her her toxic friends will end up sinking her.

As far as your overall situation, ten months isn't long for reconcilliation. Whether or not you stay in it, you have to take control and be fine which ever way you go.

Google ptsd counseling.
 
#191 ·
As far as your overall situation, ten months isn't long for reconcilliation. Whether or not you stay in it, you have to take control and be fine which ever way you go.
i know, i have to give it at least a year and I promised myself that and for the kids that I would wait at least that long before I made any long term decision....after all is only a couple months away...

our anniversary is coming up in a week, ...am thinking of telling her I do not plan to celebrate it at all....and that I dont want anything from her and she shouldnt expect anything either....
 
#194 ·


It is possible to read too much into words in a text message. But could you explain how you read this?

1) Before all of this happened would your wife make a self denigrating statement like this? I don't mean just in relation to sexual behavior but all issues of integrity. In other words, is she careless with self description? Does she say things that suggest low self-esteem?

2) She says she felt that she was acting promiscuously. In retrospect she is not proud of that. If you go to MC, you might ask her if that feeling was both good and bad. Did she feel ashamed but also excited by being bad girl?

The obvious truth is that she did enjoy illicit sex. For you as her legitimate husband to fill this need can be difficult because your role as a lover is to be respectful. If you can meet her need for sexual excitement, perhaps you can make her love you more.

How exactly you do that I cannot say. She may have some kinky desires. Now she is probably afraid to tell you about them for fear that you will judge her. If you can get her to open up perhaps this will strengthen your relationship.

It maybe that you have be a leader in some way. If you can make your sex life better, it is not an entirely unpleasant challenge. Or what do you think?

3) When she wrote that "even you will agree", does she meant that you will agree that she admitted to you that she spoke about her self realization?

4) With regards to divorce being a possibility, well this obvious for all marriages. What your wife does not want on the table is the idea that your marriage is serious trouble and that you are giving up. Stating that your marriage is not in trouble would be like an affirmation of your vows.

Perhaps instead of threatening divorce you could recast this in a positive light. Set up some nice moment. Take your wife out to dinner or cook a meal together if you do that. Go for an ice cream or whatever. Tell her that one year from now you want to renew your vows in front a small gathering of friends and family.

In this year that you aim for this she is to tell you no lies. For your part you will work in your heart to forgive her. Say that in this year the two of you should bust your butts to do a good job. That includes in the bedroom. Working out to stay fit. Doing things together, etc.
 
#195 ·
CBT,

Part of your issue is you are at the one year mark of the A. You said you a re 10 months out and she has a two month A.

If you WW had true remorse, she would do anything including D to help you heal. Everything is for her and not for you.

It is normal to feel like you do at this time.

Work on yourself.
 
#196 ·
ping....bump...whichever....am alive

still here....been reading a lot of the other great treads out there and learning a lot....doing a bit better, W still working hard but unfortunately am still stuck in limbo...a dangerous place to be based on all the reading i have done.....triggering a lot also because she starting cheating on me about this time last year :(

i asked her yesterday that I wanted to do separation while still living together and she went nuts....cried a lot as usual told me she cant handle that, she cant live w/o me, she would do anything i ask, etc, etc....so i backed off

i feel so broken still i can hardly get my daily job done, everything feels immensely difficult to do, havent hit the weights in a couple weeks and hate it when i dont take care of myself....

really p1sses me off her parents dont give crap about what she has done, i had a lot more respect for them before this.....
 
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#199 ·
is the anger and resentment that are issue i think.....i mean maybe because when DD I never left, never filed for D, never kicked her out, never separated....so basically did nothing....should
I expect the anger and resent to stick around until I do something drastic?

and I mean really her parents not giving crap really bothered me.....they been married for almost 40 years I thought they would have regarded fidelity very highly
 
#206 · (Edited)
is the anger and resentment that are issue i think.....i mean maybe because when DD I never left, never filed for D, never kicked her out, never separated....so basically did nothing....should I expect the anger and resent to stick around until I do something drastic?
Men can be troubled for decades if it seems that their wife “got away with it.”

See this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/183641-crime-punishment-your-views.html

Here is what I posted on that thread:

Cheating sex for the first time must feel delicious. It is the loss of a second virginity. Hence cheaters cannot unfvck their AP's.
One of the problems with R is that it sometime appears that the WS hasn’t suffered at all. Let’s say there is a family function where things are going well. The BS looks at their happy WS and suddenly becomes resentful.

They are still married doing what they would be doing if the WS hadn’t strayed. At that moment it appears that the WS has paid no price whatsoever. The BS triggers and lashes out at the WS. Now they are both miserable and the good time they were having is destroyed.

In my opinion this situation could be better dealt with by getting a divorce and working on your relationship instead of your marriage. Then when the BS looks at the happy WS they know that a price was paid. It would be like looking at someone who was an army sergeant who was busted to corporal because they messed up.

Marriage just like a top secret clearance is a privilege, not a right. You have to earn top secret clearance in the government. They trust you not to tell secrets. If you tell secrets you lose your clearance and become an average citizen.

When you get married one of the main things you promise is to not have sex with someone other than your spouse. If you break this trust you should lose your marriage certification.

There is no stigma today whatsoever for unmarried people to live together and have kids. What I will never understand is why you have to be married to work on your relationship and R. Never married people live together and work on their relationship until they feel that have reached the marriage level. Divorce and living together is just the reverse because you discovered the relationship wasn’t at the marriage level.

One punishment is to divorce and live together. At that point she is only with you because she wants to be. She will have a new chastity to protect.
 
#201 ·
Read up on that book that's been recommended.

I have a friend who had a car accident. Not his fault. It was an expensive repair. The repair work and even paint is guaranteed for as long as he owned the car. He talks about his wounded car quite a bit.

I asked him, would you ever buy a car that's been in an accident. He said, 'no of course not'. I responded, 'well, you're driving one'. He thought about that for a while.

He chose to keep it, years later he's still not over the damage. Probably will never be...
 
#203 ·
Your wife has poor self esteem. She was drawn to a BS artist whose idea of explaining his criminal behavior was to blame it on drugs. Your wife may have had the affair in part because she was not living up to her own expectations.

Do you think she was disappointed in herself and what she has accomplished in her life?

Her failure to tell you about the conversation with the toxic friend is good example of her lack of confidence. She was probably afraid that you would be angry about the conversation, regardless of whether she came clean. But from her perspective she was just a girlfriend helping a girlfriend. If she helped that wayward continue on her affair, that would have been a very serious transgression, don't you think?

One way that you might gain some peace of mind is to write a letter of apology to your wife. In this letter write no criticisms of her at all. Do not mention the affair at all, just write about things in your behavior that cause you dissatisfaction in yourself.

In this letter do not make any pledges or promises about the future. This letter will be a big surprize to your wife. If she really working on herself, she will see your self criticism as an example of what she has to do.

Can't Believe This,

You could easily have decided to find solace in drink or a revenge affair. Instead you have stuck to venting on TAM. You should give yourself credit for being a strong person. Whether or not you decided to divorce is your decision but you are thinking it over carefully and rightly so, since it affects so many.

I suspect that you will come closer to a decision if you find yourself unable to have sex with your wife. If you find yourself repulsed by her. If your affection recedes to be replaced by disgust and indifference, then you may be done with your marriage.

If you find comfort in intimacy, then maybe you will come to see her infidelity as a failure that is far outweighed by her positives.

When she wanted all that cosmetic surgery did you wonder why she had such a poor self image? Did you criticise her breasts or belly?

The affair was also a kind of mental operation to change self image. I think you will be happier together if she likes herself better. She needs to forgive herself so that she has self respect. That will be good for your children, too. They need a mother who is stronger.

Mrs John Adams is a former WW who might have something interesting to say. You could PM her and ask her to read your thread.
 
#210 ·
Mrs John Adams is a former WW who might have something interesting to say. You could PM her and ask her to read your thread.
Yes absolutely! Maybe even more to the point is JohnAdams himself. For him something was missing in Mrs JA's sincere expressions of sorrow and remorse for many years until they discovered a resource enabling her to really find the right words.
 
#205 ·
Everytime you talk about leaving/separation she starts crying and does/says everything she's said all over again?
Aren't you tired of that? It's how she manipulates you! She has learned the script by heart and once you say something that ruins her comfy life....she goes back to square one.
She knows that when she does all this ...that's your soft spot!

If you plan separation, JUST DO IT!! If you say something make sure you follow through!
Let her cry...after all..if she won't endure it then she'll be the first to D you and you'll know she wasn't worth it anyway.
 
#208 · (Edited)
Everytime you talk about leaving/separation she starts crying and does/says everything she's said all over again?
Aren't you tired of that? It's how she manipulates you! She has learned the script by heart and once you say something that ruins her comfy life....she goes back to square one.
She knows that when she does all this ...that's your soft spot!
:iagree:

She is like a child that has a tantrum until she gets what she wants. Do what is best for you. She will respect you more and your marriage will be better if you end up together.

I feel so broken still I can hardly get my daily job done, everything feels immensely difficult to do.
Your wife hasn’t noticed this? If an in house separation will help you then do it. Your wife obviously cares only about herself. This isn’t surprising since narcissistic people are more likely to have affairs.
 
#211 · (Edited)
Essentially, you are being held inside the marriage for ransom by the government. Supposedly, Florida law takes infidelity into account when issuing alimony, but that is a huge gamble. Injustice isn't a strong enough word.

Some people can't get over physical infidelity, no matter what the WS does.

If you decide to get out, try to move to another state or see if the law is going to change, supposedly lifetime alimony is on the block again in Florida.

If none of that is an option, this is one example where "I" could justify going outside the relationship. She already destroyed the marriage, its just a binding government contract at this point.
 
#215 ·
You don't have the MAN enough in you to let her go and show her the door!
Like you said, you are codependent and this prevents you from seeing things clearly. There's this battle within you, between your head and heart.

The gateway in London would make you see things more clearly!

p.s. Are you sure she'll be not doing anything inappropriate during your stay away?
 
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#216 ·
You need to make her get tested again for STD's and have her Dr. explain the report to you. I am a parole officer and A large % of convicts/felons have hepatitis, from drug use, sexual immoral behavior, blood swapping during fighting or dirty needles from tattoos while in prison. Look at her report for elevated liver enzymes. This STD destroys your liver. Its been long enough for some STD's LIKE HIV to also start showing up in her blood stream.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#219 ·
CBT:

I've followed your thread. did you take a extended leave in London or elsewhere? I thought that was quite a good idea.

you've been honest in using the term 'codependent' in describing how you feel about your wife. Yes - that is an issue having a lot more to do with you than her. you need to address that. get some IC with an expert professional and try to put those tendencies behind you, regadless of whether you stay with your wife or divorce her. I think codependence has a lot more to do with addiction than it does with love.

As for your wife, i don't get the sense she is a particularly mean person. no doubt she has some redeeming qualities. As WS go, there are a lot of BS on this board dealing with much lower creatures than she is. But honestly, please consider this - there are much better women out there than her. when I say better I mean exactly that - better people. higher character, more integrity, a better sense of self, more self control...and on and on. some of these women are available. I'm not telling you to act on anything right now - but do you really think you ended up with such a special person? Was she truly such a great catch for you, or do you deserve to be married to a better human being, or at least to seek that out?? something to ponder - if for no other reason it might help you loosen your codependence noose.
 
#220 ·
CBT:

I've followed your thread. did you take a extended leave in London or elsewhere? I thought that was quite a good idea.
i did not, it was postponed till July....plus due to work reasons my plans for the "extended" stay are scrapped, so am back to the drawing board.
am a work-at-home dad and the kids depend a lot on me to run them around for their sports and stuff while my wife is on her 12-hr shifts....so inevitably any absence on my part does put a strain on the whole family....so me being away for a month or two would really not do well for them at all....so am rethinking this whole "run away" thing now all over again....

sighhhh....nothing new, thats all I do with this darn thing, just think things over and over again and do nothing...least i can come here and vent :soapbox:
 
#224 ·
Legal system is out of control. No contract is beyond being called null and void these days. Especially if "cupcake" can shed a few tears for the judge.

You need to feel like you are doing something, its not much, but what else can you do right now? Divorce laws have saddled you with a cheating harlot that you will have to pay to make go away.

She has already proven that she can't keep her legs closed for bad boy thugs. Those are a dime a dozen. Chances are that if you can't find a avenue of escape now, she will provide one later.

Just make sure you don't draw one up on a whim, have someone who has had them stand up in court look it over if possible.

Good luck. Just reading about your situation makes me rage, living it has to be hell.
 
#226 ·
Just spent some time researching Florida divorce laws. What a grab bag of sh*t. For a state that supposedly takes infidelity in account for alimony and child custody, its full of a bunch of mights, maybes, and judges discretion.

Thanks to your wife's infidelity you get to look forward to:
1. Split assets division 50/50
2. Split child custody 50/50, with the you pay child support option. Yay!
3. Alimony. Oh boy!

If its not feasible to get out of the state (its likely not), maybe try a trial separation that turns permanent. Did your attorney see any way out of this for you?
 
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