Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

hard time dealing with limbo

83K views 247 replies 53 participants last post by  Just Joe 
#1 ·
10 months into Dday, R is going ok she is doing the right things but I am so stuck on limbo...sometimes want to stay other times want to file for D, varies thru the day.....
this just sucks, how do others deal with this? anything helps.....
 
#2 ·
sometimes i feel like staying because she totally regrets it and very remorseful....cries a lot, begs me to stay and to keep our family together and I dont want to tear the family apart either (3 kids) but other times I just feel so wronged and that i dont have what it takes to overcome the betrayal (2 months EA/PA).....have read books, gone to IC/MC....and those things help but like they arent strong enough to overcome these feelings....is 10 months way too soon for me to expect more??
 
#176 ·
I SO know how you feel... I CANNOT and probably WILL NOT forgive... Not everyone can forgive - It has been 7 months since I found out and I am way too suspicious and believe it is still going on... While before he was the one threatening to leave, screaming divorce NOW - 7 MONTHS LATER - It is me... Well, I am not screaming but I cannot forgive the betrayal and I want out... I cannot look at him, be in the same room with him, spend time with him or sleep in the same bed. And I do not fell like I have to - not even for the kids.
So I say - give it all the time you feel you need to see IF you can get over the betrayal. But no one says you have to, and no one says you have to stay - not even for the kids.
 
#3 ·
It would be unusual not to be conflicted. The key is to work on you first. Get yourself in a position that you are doing what you want versus reacting.

It is very difficult for a BH because you are isolated, embarrassed and hurt.

I always advise strong actions so you can regain some confidence and control. You need to feel better about you.
 
#10 ·
You do not move out. She does. You did not hurt the kids, she did. You do not have to file D, at the very least you should see an attorney.

Disclosure also helps, don't do it alone. You need people to talk to.

Who was the affair with and the reason why she has given you? That can matter too.
 
#5 ·
The only thing that helped me is I started to get really positives things out of my wife and my marriage.

There is a certain degree of forgiveness that you need and a long with the postive things that I focused on I was able to keep my old lady around.

In my case there was enough wrong to be passed around that is why it was easier to forgive. It maybe that you were so wronged that you need to tell your old lady she needs to be more submissive to your needs if she wants to stick around...IDK maybe it was a wrong that was so undiserving it might be time to just get the hell out...only you know for sure and only you know how much grace you have in you to forgive.


One thing is for sure is its way to early...in my case i set a time limit of one year and if i felt differently after that one year then I would have bailed...but Mrs.the-guy has been doing some real heavy lifting to stick around for awhile.
 
#9 ·
i really dont know if I can ask her to do much more, I feel she is doing a lot, if there is more I can ask of her then i dont know what that is.....we go out together a lot, she is constantly loving me, tons of sex, we talk a lot, she comforts me plenty (though she breaks down rather quickly if I get in a negative mood about the whole thing)

only you know for sure and only you know how much grace you have in you to forgive.

how do i find this out for sure? I have read plenty that the swing in emotions are normal so I dont want to base a lifelong decision on swinging emotions and regret it later.
 
#12 ·
i really dont know if I can ask her to do much more, I feel she is doing a lot, if there is more I can ask of her then i dont know what that is.....we go out together a lot, she is constantly loving me, tons of sex, we talk a lot, she comforts me plenty (though she breaks down rather quickly if I get in a negative mood about the whole thing)

only you know for sure and only you know how much grace you have in you to forgive.

how do i find this out for sure? I have read plenty that the swing in emotions are normal so I dont want to base a lifelong decision on swinging emotions and regret it later.
What do you talk about? Everything appears to be great, you're getting it all but somewhere do you think it feels slightly off?

You get into a negative mood, she breaks down, so I guess you can't continue to be negative because that makes you look like some kind of unfeeling a**h*le, so you let it go even though you really haven't worked through your anger.

Your wife appears to be in R (her version at least) while you still describe it as limbo, very telling.

From what you say (and this is only my opinion) She doing and saying all the right things to keep you in check but you're really not feeling it.
 
#13 ·
it was only a 2 month affair with someone she met while in nursing school, some loser who is now in jail....typical BS she didnt feel i was paying attention to her and was taking her for granted, blah blah....and I wasnt to be honest...i was too focused on work and stuff, but as we all know thats dam no excuse for an affair, she knows this fully and admits it since day one (I caught her)....

i just feel weird making her leave now after 10 months together and her working so hard....plus the impact to the kids, i need her to take care of the kids, i cant do it alone with my work....when i mention separation she totally breaks down, starts begging, throws herself to my feet, etc ,etc i would feel bad making her leave now.....i have left for a week at a time like 3 times already on business trips and i do come back feeling better and I miss her....
 
#14 ·
for example one thing is when I try to tell her that for what she has done I could easily divorce her and leave...but then she tells me thats the easy way out and that strong couples and in love as we are stick it out and work thru things....then am like WTF?? you were going to dump our marriage for some effing loser!!!
then she tells me that she knows how wrong she was and how thats the worst thing she has ever done in her life and that i shouldnt fix a wrong with another wrong.....so in the end i feel like i failed to make my point across....that she violated our marriage vows completely and for that alone its my choice to leave if I want to and she cant blame me for that.....
 
#16 ·
Actually she took the easy way out. What would have happened if it was not a loser? Would she be gone? What happens the next time there is an issue in your M as there always will be.

She has shown that she does not stick and work through things, instead she went outside the M.

Why is you finding someone who loves you wrong? She brought someone now in jail into your life and the life of your children. What happens when he gets out? What happens if he wants to see your wife?
 
#15 ·
Everyone struggles with R in their own way. There's nothing easy about being betrayed by the one person on earth you thought would never betray you. It's a shock and the triggers can go on for years. Or decades (in my case). However, many people R successfully.

I'm not really qualified to talk about successful R since mine failed after 30 years and now I tend to be really cynical. But there are R success stories here. Listen to them.
 
#18 ·
Why is leaving a wrong? Lot's of people D. It is a very normal reaction to an A.

It took a few days after you found out? Why so long? If she loved you it would have been immediate. I would not believe that she did not plan to leave you given it was not right away.

She is still only looking out for herself. This is what is best for her.

What do you go back and forth about regarding the A.

He may want NC now but 3-5 years in jail is a long time and an easy lay goes a long way when you get out.
 
#19 ·
she says if I divorce i would break up the family, will be so hard on the kids, etc, etc....and that she doesnt want to lose me, she has always loved me but that she thought i had changed and was taking her for grantet and didnt want her anymore.

she took a few days because she says she wasnt sure if I was going to change, she said I had stopped caring for so long she was doubtful I was going to change and she needed some time to see that (yea right, she was in the fog thats all)

the only thing I go back and forth is that I still love her and love my family together.....but then i go back to how could someone betray me like this, so hard to cope with.....
 
#22 ·
What is she doing to affair proof the marriage in the future?

She points fingers at the problematic marriage, but what is she doing in addressing her own issue. She didn't grow up wanting to be an adultorer. She admits she made unhealth choices...why make these choices when there were healthier options?

She wanted to do this...why...and how will she prevent it from happening again.

Hell my old lady went straight for 5 years once....then went back to the SOS.
 
#34 ·
i know she is very remorseful, i have no doubts on this living with her everyday....but she is worried that I might leave because I told her "it was your choice to cheat behind my back, so I can choose to leave the marriage whenever i want in the future because of your infidelity" so this has her worried that i am thinking of leaving her and what that will mean to the family and her life...am the bread winner 4 times over, she cant make it on her own...but she is also a very good mother, kids love her and with my job they are closer to her than me.

She has told me point blank she is terrified of being divorced and on her own and she knows how stupid she was not thinking about that when she cheated, she tells me she was so dumb for wanting to leave me because I didnt pay attention to her and her worse mistake was not opening up to me about this fully, and how stupid of her it was not to think thru all the life consequences....she has told me she never stopped loving me, but was so mad i was ignoring her that she lost her boundaries and told this guy she wasnt happily married and her mistake was sharing her frustrations with him and exposing herself like that made her weak......

so her fear of being alone is making her do all she can not to lose me, and hence giving me sort of a guilt trip for wanting to divorce...i have called her out on this and she says she isnt trying to give me a guilt trip, just wants us to work on it longer and she has also told me to tell her anything i want her to do and she will do it, she is open to anything I want her to do.....

here is the deal, am not a manipulative guy...I dont want to force her to do anything.....i dont want someone with me because am forcing them to out of fear....I have told her I only want her with me for one thing, love....not the kids or the house or the way of life....and she tells me it is love why she is here....

like i said on my earlier posts she is doing a lot, has read books, we have gone to MC (not too helpful....need better counselor)
she is constantly spending every free second wanting to be with me, etc.....am the one that feels ambivalent, and swinging back between staying or leaving.....i just hate to make a decision to leave and regret it later because I didnt wait long enough....
 
#36 ·
just today she asked me if I was happy and i told her no, no one is happy after being cheated....then she broke down crying a lot...i asked her why she was crying.....she said "I was a fool thinking i was doing the right things and making you happier, am davastated you are not happy and its because of me, i ruined us and have forever tainted our marriage"

i didnt rub it on, not my type to do that, but I did tell her it will be a while before am totally happy....I told her that sharing time with her does bring happiness but in general am sad and depressed still.....she begged me again to stay, asked me to tell her anything i want her to do, she told me sometimes she doesnt know what to do and feels like she doesnt know how much she is helping or not helping.....
 
#84 ·
she did forever taint your marriage. You may not ever be able to love her the way you did before, even if you guys stay together for the rest of your lives. you might be able to 'love her enough' though, however one defines that.

What would be so bad about you living somewhere else for 6-8 months? Unless you have family nearby it would amount to additional expenses, but it might be worth it. it might be easier for you to get your thoughts together on what you really want to do if you're not around her as much. doesn't mean you wouldn't spend time with your kids of course, just not spending nearly as much time with her. as you ponder what happened, realize that there are plently of married that are out and about working, doing things and meeting people and they DO NOT CHEAT on their husbands. You need time to think about all this, time away from her, I think.
 
#52 ·
i cant stand the thought of another man parenting my kids, and neither of having to see her with another man since i can never totally detach from her, so effing torn
Same boat, kids 3 and 6. Look at it this way: you cant control her, only yourself. If she wants to make dumb decisions, let her. Deep down she knows they are wrong. She needs to find bottom on her own. Dont let her take you both down.

As far as it goes: the person you knew is gone. Non existent. Satan has her and so if you see her with someone else look at her as a complete stranger to you. Because she is.

And as far as the kids go: look at it like school. They are away from you and your control much of the time. Now when you have them is your chance and responsibility to raise them correct. Take every advantage of doing so. Kids will see things much simpler than us and believe me they can see thru someone's bullcrap soon enough.

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#55 ·
She wanted to have the affair. Her unhappiness with you was the justification. Her telling the OM was her way of connecting with him.

For her to cheat, you had to be bad and the M had to be bad.

Her email to her friend was her justifying to herself what she was doing.

So she is telling you that in two days all of a sudden you changed and all was good.

OM turned her down and now is not even an option.
 
#60 ·
So she is telling you that in two days all of a sudden you changed and all was good.
i havent explained everything in the right detail,

it took her two days after dday to decide to give our marriage a chance at all, the deal then was we were going to try it for 90-days to see if I really changed....I made my changes (which were easy enough, just payed more attention to her) and her and OM broke it off NC....

In about 2 weeks she told me she wanted in full into the marriage recovery, no 90 day deadline anymore, this is when she started feeling remorseful

In about a month is when we found out OM was going to jail....this made her very upset for she saw the terrible mistake she made and became even more remorseful (she saw her true f up in bright light)
 
#62 ·
CantBelieveThis,

My limbo was similar. I had a decent relationship post D-day. 8 months to think about it until I decided to end it.

I agree with most of the previous posts. It seems that the important thing now is you. Here is another angle to think about. Why are you asking these questions now? Are you finally coming to terms with life after a D? Are you realizing that a D will give you a new chance to find a better woman?

I did the same thing. It seems we come to a realization that it was unfair, you didn't deserve a cheating wife, and that you want to start fresh with a person whom you can trust.

What are your closest family/friends saying to you? Can they offer you a fair assessment of your situation?

The D is a way to move into a new direction. It would be interesting to see if she actually would still work on herself and be fair to you knowing that she caused it. A sh!t test of sorts. The D would also allow you time to re-establish yourself as an individual. It helps you focus on things other than the betrayal. It helps you find new interests, people, and evaluate yourself without the deep hurt.

If she is still there in a year or two, you could always start over. If not, you will know that there are other things are more worthwhile for you.

Odds are you will meet somebody else, and enjoy a new type of person in your life.
 
#68 ·
Why are you asking these questions now? Are you finally coming to terms with life after a D? Are you realizing that a D will give you a new chance to find a better woman?
because like i have said, my feelings are all over about staying or leaving....that simple, nothing to do with realizing anything about life after D, i am fine living on my own...is the kids i desire to have their bio mother and father together...oh, and I love her still, but can let her go, will hurt bad, but i could

What are your closest family/friends saying to you? Can they offer you a fair assessment of your situation?
my best friend says to stay married, he just went thru a divorce (non-infidelity related) and he advice is best to stay for the kids and plus will be financially wrecked as well from the D

her parents have said nothing, they took attitude of not taking any sides and they simply said is our problem to work out between us...my parents dont know, too old and frail for that
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top