Desperate for advice

Precious · 07-16-2008, 01:56 PM

I'm new at this and I'm not sure where to begin. I discovered four months ago that my husband was in the beginning stages of an affair. I found text messages and phone calls on the phone bill (hundreds in a five week period of time). I confronted him and he said that nothing physical had happened yet. He knew that what he was doing was unacceptable in our marriage. He told me that he loves me but he is not in love with me. He said that he did not want a divorce. Two weeks after I found the text messages and he was going to cut all contact with this person I found emails where he was telling her how beautiful she was, he missed her and her beautiful smile, he wanted her so bad it hurt. This has been devastating he has been married twice before me and he has NEVER done anything like this, he has always been the one getting hurt. This just isn't his personality. I felt that things weren't right between us and would try to talk about it. He said he just didn't have to have sex. He was forty and he can just do without it now. I have tried everything to get his attention, texting and emailing during the day, notes, lingerie, gifts and etc. He has never refused sex but he will not initiate it. He will not show affection in public. He never compliments me on ANYTHING. When I bring it up he agrees he doesn't do these things and he should but it doesn't change. He vows that he loves me and this is where he wants to be. Please help!

827Aug · 07-16-2008, 08:47 PM

I really don't know what advice I can offer, but it sounds as though you've really been a supportive wife. My husband, too, got wierd when he turned 40. His behavior started out much like your husbands and just got worse. He's now 43 and moved out 3 months ago--he may as well just live on another planet. He says he still loves me but not in love with me. Perhaps you should try couple's counseling; we should have gone before our problem got soooo bad.

Hang in there!

draconis · 07-16-2008, 09:25 PM

It seems to me that he is telling you what you want to hear, and what you need to hear for him to stay with you. There is no reason he should be keeping this up or treating you this bad. His emotional affair is causing the rift in your marriage. He needs to make a clear choice.

draconis

cao428 · 07-17-2008, 02:55 AM

Hi Precious,

Maybe you shouldn't be trying so hard and make him think about the fact he might lose you?

I have been doing much research on men and how they view their wives and how these affairs happen. What I have been reading is that the more we are wonderful, loving and nurturing, and do everything for our mates, sometimes the more we push them away because we are too available. Is it because man loves the conquest, the challenge to make him feel good about himself? At least this seems to be a part of it.

deconis, am I off on this? Maybe it depends on the type of man.

Maybe too much like mother...I am exploring this for my own marriage. Have I been too nice?

Precious · 07-17-2008, 11:01 AM

We have gone to counseling. He is very open and affectionat while we are there. I've discussed separation and it wouldn't be difficult as we own two houses, he just says that if we're going to work it out we need to stay together. I interprete (sp?) that as if I leave he would be ok with that and wouldn't put anymore effort into our saving our marriage. I'm not certain but I feel that he should have to win me back (even though I'm hopelessly in love with him). I think I just want to prove to myself that he will or will not go out of his way to fight for me. Will he miss me? Will he need me? Cao428, your right in six years of marriage he has never heard the word no from me. What ever he wants it happens. He has never went out of his way to surprise me. If we go out I plan it. If we go on a trip I do it. I surprise him with event tickets and weekend trips at least once a year. He is a wonderful father and provider for our home. He takes care of the house and vehicles. He just doesn't put any effort into the marriage relationship and this has become very important to me. I had decided to just live with it and accept that it just wasn't his nature but then I find that all the thing I want and desire he is doing for someone else. It really has become a problem with me. I have memorized emails that he sent to her and things that he said to her and I can not get it out of my head. I have never been a jealous person and before I found out what was going on the two of us actually had a conversation once about this person being "hot". He actually looked me in the face and told me she was hot! Which at the time didn't mean anything to me because I just thought it's ok for people to look. I never dreamed he was beginning to have a relationship with her. Now, four months after discovering this, I'm getting angry and I feel myself withdrawing from my marriage. I love him more than anything but I want him to hurt. I want HIM to have to fight for our marriage but deep down I know he won't. I know that if we seperate now it will be over.