My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for almost 3... and we have a son who is 9 that I am inclined to try and make it work for.
I have been really sick lately - was hospitalized for 10 days and had been home for 2 when I walked into my bathroom to find a used condom on the floor after my husband had come home from baseball. At first he stared me down like I was responsible for it and then finally he admitted to me that he "stopped on the way home and got a blow job from a hooker" - he swears it is the first time, and that it will never happen again but needless to say, I am not overly inclined to believe him. He says his reason was because he felt like I wasnt attracted to him anymore, that I hadnt touched him for a month (in that month I was sick at home for 5 days before I ended up in the hospital for another 10) and was in no kind of physical shape to be intimate. I agree our sex life has lost some of its passion and frequency and I take on some responsability for that and was in the process of trying to figure out why... He says he is sorry and that he screwed up but he justifys it instead of just admitting its wrong... he tries to make me responsible for his choice to go to a street prostitute. That makes me doubt his sincerity.
I love my husband and we have been thru so much together but the truth of the matter is that he doesnt always treat me very well and it occasionally interferes with our sex life... if I wasnt concerened about my son, my first instinct is to leave but our little boy has some emotional issues and it would devestate him if we left. I dont know what to do or where to turn to to get help with this... what is the next step to take, how can I know for sure that he hasnt done it before (I have thought he might be because of how controlling he is with me, how accusatory he has been with me) and that it wont happen again??? I get that sex is important in a relationship but i cant get the image out of my head, nor can I ignore the fact that he made me feel like it will happen again if all of his needs dont get met when he needs them to be met... he actually said to me "what else should I have done"???? Is he really sorry or just sorry he got caught.... Im so confused. This just happened 3 days ago.
I know how difficult it is to try to make the decision what to do after you find out your spouse has been cheating on you. My first suggestion would be to not have ANY intimate contact with your husband until you have both been checked for STD's, especially if he has been with a prostitute, and if you do not know for sure if this is the first time this has happened. And I find it ridiculous that he would use the loss of passion if your love life as an excuse. That does tend to happen as you get older and have children, and if he felt that strongly about it then he should have talked to you, or done something to make you feel romantic and special. The only one who can decide what to do now is you. I would say, however, that you should not stay together only for your son. It is commendable that you want to provide a stable home for him, however, he should also be raised by parents who are happy and fulfilled. Children are smart, and he will eventually figure things out as he gets older if things continue the way they do. Good luck to you, and I am sorry for the hurt you feel. I know how devastating it is knowing the man you love has decided to cheat on you.
He says his reason was because he felt like I wasnt attracted to him anymore, that I hadnt touched him for a month (in that month I was sick at home for 5 days before I ended up in the hospital for another 10) and was in no kind of physical shape to be intimate.
Wow! He felt that way after an ENTIRE month! While you were sick! Ok, that's just wrong on sooooo many levels, pokergirl.
I mean, your were sick enough to be hospitalized, and all he was worried about was that he wasn't getting a blowjob during that time?
I don't mean to get you down, but that is beyond selfish.
I'm sorry I don't have any advise for you. But do take care of yourself during this time. It's going to be a rough road ahead.
Really? He got a blow job on the way home and he used a condom for a blow job? That sounds like overkill, if anyone has either been with or been a prostitute, can we have some input here as to whether a condom is used with a blow job? Also, why would he bring it home? Why would he leave it in the middle of the floor?
Yes, I have been with hookers before and responsible, professional ones do use condoms for blowjobs. Why or how it ended up on the floor is anyone's guess.
No doubt I am going to get hammered for this but I will say that I think that going to a prostitute, for a man or a woman, is a practical solution that is designed to cause minimum damage to the family whilst dealing with a genuine need.
Obviously it would be better if you didn't do it, but some of us have a relentless drive, for which I know of no acceptable medical solution, and this is the least risky solution. Trying to ignore it leaves you at risk of a real affair, with emotional attachments. With an escort there is no emotional connection (I think of it as assisted masturbation) so your husband will feel like he has not actually been 'unfaithful'.
Also, contrary to popular belief, not all prostitution is exploitative. No doubt 99% of prostitutes would rather not do it, but you could probably say the same for plumbers. If you choose carefully you can visit professional, independent escorts who are not trafficked or controlled by a pimp. If you are polite and respectful with them then there is no exploitation in my mind.
There it is. I am sorry your husband did this and it must hurt, but I believe it is a better option than having a 'real' affair. If my wife had an uncontrollable drive that I could not satisfy I would prefer she hired a disinterested professional escort than risked having an affair by ignoring it.
Someone who is so needy that they absolutely need affection or sex from one person or another and cannot weather an illness or separation from an 'external' source is emotionally and spiritually devoid.
That is your personal opinion, but at least you recognise affection can be different from sex.
Have you ever masturbated?
That is sex, without affection - unless you suffer from a Narcissistic personality dysfunction complex.
Your husband DIDN'T screw around - he jerked himself off - but YOU punish yourself, by imagining he was thinking of another woman.
He tried his best to stop YOU from feeling inadequate, and now you want to beat him up over it?
Maybe the "hooker" angle is just a red herring... maybe there's other woman in the picture. Only a total idiot would get home with a used condom from a hooker and have it fall off in the bathroom. But if there was someone in your house and something happening in your bedroom, it makes a lost condom in the bathroom more likely.
If you have no advice to help pokergir, then stop posting. She started this thread get help with HER situation, not so you can repramand other posters for trying to help. Homemake is simply comparing her situation with pokergirls so it can be applied, and used to help her situation.
If you dont agree with the way Homemaker is trying to help, then just politely say I disagree. Then you can move on to providing advice to Pokergirl.. Since this is her thread after all. This is not a place for you to attack other people for trying to help.
Thanks for all the posts and advice. For those who are curious, I am still with my husband, trying to make things work but its not really working out. He feels that I dont have the right any longer to be upset about it or to mention it - which I dont very often, I would prefer to just move past it and get it out of my head rather than beat the matter to death. That being said, now that some time has passed and I have withdrawn a bit from the situation I can sincerely say that there is no real remorse from him. I have my answer in regards to whether or not he is really sorry or just sorry he got caught. It didnt even cross my mind that it could have been a woman he knows day to day - even catching him that way I still believed what he told me in regards to what happenned.... what kind of moron does that make me I dont think that our marriage is salvagable at this point. I cant fix it by myself and I have lost my patience in regards to the controlling and selfish crap I have dealt with and continue to deal with in my relationship with him. As for my son, I think he can pick up on my feelings no matter how hard I try to behave like nothing is different. Unfortuneatly or fortunately depending on your perspective I guess, I have changed. I will never interfere with my sons relationship with his Dad but I can no longer let him be a witness to our unhealthy marriage and have him grow up thinking thats the way things are suposed to be. I owe him more than that and I owe me more than that. I just have to make sure before I go that everything is as stable for my son as they can be given the situation. I've tried - its been a few months now and I just dont think I have it in me. My hsband is not a bad man, just a self-centered one - he only thinks of things in regards to how they relate to him - he always has if Im being honest with myself. I just thought that eventually he would grow out of that. Anyways, I do appreciate the support and comments.
I had experiences giving blow job with a condom on. He bought a strawberry flavor condom so it tasted fine and free from disease.
It's a way of protected sex. Why ppl are making a big suspect about it? Posted via Mobile Device
First, get yourself and your husband checked for any infections.
What you need to do is talk. Discuss your feelings openly and don't let it get it out of hands. Stay calm and remember you want to sort this problem out.
Can you still trust him? Is it possible to stay in this marriage after what he had done?
Try to answer these questions and if you think this marriage you are in is worth it to you then try to make a plan to sort things out.
This blog is full with useful info about to save a marriage and cheating. I know it helped me and made me stronger and i had more self confidence after i had been cheated on.
Now i'm in a happy relationship and I am glad I could trust him again. Hope you have the same luck.
So lets say it was really the first time. He had to be nervous.. he had to be careful, he had to think " this isnt right and if i get caught i am dead" -
When something goes on for a long time.. you get careless, you start blowing your cover and leaving little gaps in your story...
So my question is this...
If this was his first time... why did he leave the condom in a place you were going to see it?
Might not be the first time.. or he really is just dumb as a sack of bricks. If i was going to do this, I would bleach the place down, get rid of fingerprints even LOL. but um... that didnt happen here.
Better to confess to a lesser crime than get caught for a bigger one i guess.
I concur with twotime. I mean he supposedly "stopped on the way home and got a blow job from a hooker" right? You would think he would have hit up a gas station or something to ditch the evidence. Maybe I've seen to many movies but doesn't this sort of thing usually take place in a parking lot or in an alley or something where there are garbage cans?
I just find it kind of odd that you found it in your bathroom and not the car... You might want to look at the bank records to see if large amounts of money have been taken out, that might give you an idea of whether or not this has happened before and it might show you how much this "BJ" on the way home cost.